so another date with chris today shocker lol ah its like constant all the time contact i'm not sure if it annoys me yet i mean, its just like the reverse of what i had with matt, you know? maybe this is what it's supposed to be maybe it will just take some getting used to gr my mom is being obnoxious shes all like i hate drivng you i'm just like sorry i don't have my liscense? its really really not my fault so i think me and chris can only chill 4 a few hours which sucks unless he's good at scheming lol i hate parents just one more obstacle to get around ah nothing to say i wish the gym was open now then i could atleast work out i have creative writing camp next week that's kind of a drag as much as i love writing, its not rly a summer thing i want to go to gymnastics wah wah boo hoo i already knew no one cares about my opinion umm nothing else at all have a good day i guess who knows, maybe i will too?

I am a puppet on a string i bend, i fold, i twist and turn until I'm too tangled up in everyone else's wishes you forget i ever had dreams of my own i refuse to choose, i just play along call me? okay but it doesn't mean anything don't let me fool you I'm just coloring in the lines i hate the phone those long awkward drawn out silences intensify in the airwaves but your request is my command just a few more minutes hang on, I'm getting to it i don't know if i want this, so i won't let myself think that way, i can't be disappointed when i realize nothing is ever as good as it seems we went out again last night his hands, his fingers all over mine i can't breathe, my world's spinning it's happening too easy i must be making some crazy mistake i wish that people would just tell you exactly what they want i hate all this guessing it's really exhausting me

today is taking forever i miss the gym its crazy but i want to go workout for hours and hours to break those limits to better myself even when my hands tear open, when the bruises loose their shine i still want to be there so bad its killing me chris is there too, which is always fun i'll see him today at the wedding tho that should be cool i've never been inside a church before or to an indoor wedding i can sort of imagine getting married for myself but i can't really imagine worrying about things liek floweres and chaos and caterers i figure my mom will do that she's good at caring about that kind of thing anywho, i've really got nothing to do i already watched a few ours of tv i even wrote a few pages of one of my books grr i hate wasted time i wish i had a car then i would drive all the way to florida and back and see if i could make it before anyone noticed chris has a car that's convenient god i'm such a bitch lol i say i want a nice guy and when one comes to me i'm already worrying about the unimportant details ahhhhhhh! okay enough venting again, i've really got nothing worthy of discussion i'm too caught up in my fogged up bubble

oh god, what have i done? what the hell am i getting myself into? it's completely insane my mind is like a battlefield, bullets whizzing by in every direction what the fuck is wrong with me? i have no idea what i want anymore one second i'm so convinced, a new bf, a new start, a new mistake to make it's so so freaking easy i could have it all without even wishing this round is mine but at the same time, it scares me shitless i mean, its such a power, a vibe i could really hurt someone here good or evil, create or destroy? idontknowidontknowidontknow i hate this wanting this wanting to be violated, to be touched and kisssed hurt and maimed and scarred and bruised its fucking insane i love the way his tongue tastes in my mouth we've got that same instant chemistry i know for certain i could make it happen but i also could back off i also could turn around, not give in let myself get rejected maybe then it wouldn't hurt as bad i'm going into this thinking all good things come to an end all those pieces that have to come together to make things work? they never break off exactly the same way there's always that overflow and missing fragments a little piece of my life intertwined with someone elses thats what freaks me out the most i don't want memories that fade like photographs i don't want hopes and dreams and fairy queens all i want is perfection nothing more, nothing less anything else is just settling i'm so tired of underachieving i work my ass off at gymnastics i want to be good so bad its slowly killing me i'm always in so much pain my legs, my hips, every freaking bone in my body find your breaking point, and then push past it thats what i do with everything i need some answers i need a friend, a true one, who won't turn against me i need supporters cheering in the stands i need a guy to make me feel special, wanted, beautiful I NEED that's really all there is to it i'll see him tomorrow he asked me to call tonight but i didn't i got busy i guess another melted excuse tastes just like the coloring off an M&M but its more than that of course its always more than that its just that chris is a great guy like nice down to earth, solid kinda kid and i know for 100% certain that we will hti it off i can think of all the things we still have to talk about all the bases that need to be covered andi an see him not only listening, but emphathising understanding and thats really what i can't deal with right now i don't want anyone but me to see inside this twisted mind i can't let him know i'm really damaged goods you never get just what you see folks not with me not with me its all an act, a makeup i smear across the empty planes of my face and so far, its thickness has proved faultless thats why my smile seems so crooked in the moonlight It's not really mine at all

woo hot date tonite! Chris from gym texted me earlier like lets go see a movie and go for food haha sounds like a date to me its crazy how easy it is i say i want him and then bam here we go again i don't even have to strike a pose i'm already in the perfect reflection it's so insane when it comes to guys, i've got it all it just comes way too easy if you want you shall recieve its so quick, so instantaneous but the crazy part is that when i get my wishes i sometimes wonder if they were ever mine at all? Matt finally fucking called today all i can say is wow i have never met a bigger dickhead in my life he gets on the phone like hey ive got nothing to say im like ur the one hu wanted to talk dumbass then we have this one sided convo about nothing for like 20 minutes and next thing i know we're talking about cops and how fucking retarded my friends and i are i was absolutely in shock i'm like umm hello ur the one who turned us in? he's just like yea well you deserved it for being stupid ass hole god fucking dammit i swear, i should sell his ipod on ebay it wouldn't even make a dent in the amount of revenge i deserve for the shit he put me through i hate love its all an illusion close your eyes kids, open your mind if you pretend hard enough, if you force it, it will come its so unfair love just leaves you bruised used and broken never ever again but now i've got a new boy to experiment with i'm not nervous but i should be aren't first dates like supposedly a big deal? but to me its like nothing ill let our evening float right by i'm gonna make this a mission i want to prove that i can make someone head over heels for me without lifting a finger in yo face matt you can't leave me down for long

this poison in my blood it keeps on building all backed up, burning through those delicate arteries and veins they can't take the pressure no one can these expectations weigh a ton no one even gives me a chance anymore its like theres not even anything left to prove i don't want to talk to him i don't want to talk to anyone i feel like being alone with my thoughts and these words i like the taste of blood like mercury gliding over my teeth as they tie their knots to strangle me it feels like something the more i step into the sun, the more i step out of the light i hate conversations about nothing the way a new dresser looks, little taunting chants why are you wearing those bracelets? what's with the outfit? Why are you so weird? My mouth spits out answers its all automatic, i've lost my grip on the steering wheel i've got my eyes closed and i'm just praying for a crash maybe all i need is a head on collsion i want this perfection sosobad i want it seeping through my skin and bones bleeding on the carpet i want it to ruin me, claim me as its own but somehow i struggle i can't become numb, let the waves crash over its strange, because never in a million years would you think its so much easier to swim than surrender

there's really nothing anyone anyone at all could possibly do to hurt me i'm so torn, so bruised everything feels just like scratches now no one can seem to break the surface i don't know why i get so down like this why theres nights my world's judt pulled under drowning in the eye of a storm while i'm stuck watching safe up here they try to talk i hate dinner my sister's a brat i could fucking strangle her my mom and dad think they own like i should be all eternally greatful i mean im like thanks but im not going down on one knee my friend j and i scored random hook ups down at the beach we're such quality whores i love the taste of someone else tracing their name in my mouth whose smile i've never even seen it gives me chills, but in a good way there will always be boys like that for me and j we've got it all in the palm of our hand i think that will probably be my life when i'm older skanky bars and skanky guys sex drugs 'n rock and roll how fucking adorably cliche matt is supposedly gonna call soon oh joy he's so fucking retarded he doesn't even know what he did wrong he just texts me sweet dreams every night its not his fault i guess he had no way of knowning that every morning i wake up screaming i hope he breaks up with me, beacause we're not dating not even close i told him he had to do one amazing thing for me just one and nope way too difficult i don't need that shit clearly, i can get enough ass on my own oh the police called me today haha apparently they can trace ur cell numbers? theyre like hey call us back we hav questions for you regarding wen u and ur friends were lost in the woods and we helped u out we werent lost fucktards we didnt need anyone we're all big girls i can assure you we would have made it out alive watever i just so dont want ot deal with it i deleted the text and voicemail isn't that just a fancy way of saying i dont give a fuck about what happens to me? i can't imagine leaving this house intact two years is a long ass time but i really don't want to quit fighting just yet

these days eem to stretch for ever the hours, they blend before my very eyes quickly enveloping mornings, noons, nights it just seems so unreal I am not even here i'm just a quiet observer although sometimes ill start to forget start to want and fear and love but then someone always reminds me and i have to choke those emotions back down i want my phone back i want those connections i want to see if he's even sorry so then i can atleast make an educated choice on whether or not to forgive him fuck me fuck me in the backseat i should so be over it all by now these plain jane games are not my scene but i hate this suspene so much its fucking crushing me, breaking and grinding my bones and i'm so so powerless i got yelled at work today i'm not involved i hate kids i swear, i was never that disobedient god my kid's are gonna be the fucking shit i cantwaitcantwaitcantwait but i guess ill just have to hold on a little longer and pray to god i don't just blow away

finally, im allowed back on the computer grounding=over lesson learned? let's see I learned i hate drunk people i learned police fucking suck I learned my friend's older sister is even bitchier than i thought I learned I'm really good at bullshitting appology letters I learned that even TV gets boring after a few hours I learned I can read an 800 page book in three days I learned that fb is a warehouse for evil and I learned i don't trust anyone but me so yea, don't worry mom there'll be no more run ins with the law as far as i'm concerned lol but yea most of all, i missed the music on the internet this is probably really weird but i write down the names of artists i hear on tv shows and basically stalk them down until i can get their music for free cool hobby right? lol half the time, they're either terrible or impossible to find, but sometimes you get lucky like goot is a pretty good band that randomly had a song on the real world and is nice and gives away music on purevolume so woot! in other news, my summer's goin pretty lame just basically trapped inside atleast next week we'll go to the beach not that that's the time of my life or anything, but you know its better than home i guess hmm nothing else really to say it's weird, i haven't gone on here in forever, and still there's nothing its almost as if no time passed at all probably because other than when matt fucks it up, my life is so plain and boring two more years till college then i can live without the rents and die the bottom of my hair purple get a tattoo pierce the rest of my ear, all the way up and ofcourse go to concerts and party all night long ahhh y is two years such a long time? do you think if i close my eyes it'll happen faster?

It's officially over done done done only a few hours into summer and already i have no idea what to do with myself lol im going to stop writing now becuase ive just realized ive got nothing to say