we've got the dremaers disease we're down on our knees we're begging for more we're dying to please we twist and we turn we burn and we cry we love and we learn we hurt and we die there's blue skies in the summer there's black stars in my eyes i'm falling so far we're all swimming in lies i'm in love with these facts you're pulling me back we've drawn out our knives they're under attatck pronouns grow weary true meaning grows cold i'm a smart kid with a smile and i'll do as i'm told i like you, i like me it's breezy, it's free we're straining the water cuse meant to be technicolor vision unbearable sights head on colision are we doing alright?

You know the song guardian angel by redjumpsuit apparatus? That adorable little ballad about a perfect true love? I remember i cried the first tiem i really heard it i recall shaking, clenching my fists, swallowing saltysweet tears because it was everything i ever wanted it's amazing how events and people can change you because back then, i still had matt back then, in some insane way, i believed in love and not just in moments love as in forever but now, just a few months later i can listen to those incredible lyrics and pretend not to care in the slightest that no one will ever ever ever feel that way about me in a nother lifetime that might have disappointed me but right now, it just reaffirms the numbness i'm learning to be alright with just myself i can accept that atleast in terms of me, there is no such thing as love for ever it's not that i don't have the memories though not that i can't create new ones in the course of my lifetime, my almost 17 years i have loved and been loved a thousand times over i loved matt that time we went running i know that's the best kiss i'll ever have i loved chris for a moment a few nights ago when he promised me he'd take me on a road trip if he won the lottery and most of all i've loved myself all those times i meet those challenges head on when i could stand on top of the owrld and say yes i finally did it when happy was trickling inside my teeth so i'm not a cynic i do believe in love, even for me just not permanent love only in the isolated memories because that way you can edit them, wash them off, replace the parts you don't like it makes you hate people less really, try it if you focus on only the good everyone deserves forgiveness even if they're still not bothering to ask no one ever says everything they mean please don't walk away, please tell me you'll stay How could nayone possibly walk away from that?

there's so many things i'm fearful of i keep on trying to outrun them, but i trip and fall everysingle fucking time i'm scared of the impact i'll make that no one will ever remember me it's so tempting to quit lights out, shows over there's no one left for me to say goodbye to anyway i've run out of hope, my suns gone down it hurts so bad this is not the way life's supposed to be i'm only 16 i haven't lived long enough to have this many demons there's so many pieces i can't be too careful there all in the sea and im drowning to save them my friends, my family, to everyone i've ever loved in a moment did you love me back? did i mean anything at all or was i just some girl passing in and out quick as a flash, slick as a whispers i wish you the best of luck they call me neive you know because i see the good in people i want to save everyone i'm keeping them all alive in my heart i'm losing body heat how much can i sacrifice before i just give out? befpre my body decides there's nothing here worth fighting over? i don't know the answer but I'll just pretend that doesn't scare me at all

I'm always in the middle I can never comitt, one way or the other I'm losing religion, but i've held tight to faith is that a strong enough rope to save me? or will it only be a noose? They say memories do eventually fade like photographs i can't weait for that to happen i just want to forget, want my mind erased then maybe i wouldn't be so ashamed of some of the heartless little things that seemed so simple at the time I wish I could actually take everyone I've ever hurt and formaly appoligize I hate hate it's just irrational it makes me flinch, my teeth grinding in when I start to really think about it, i find I've gone half crazy with all those little chants trailong over the scars of the what once was no one looks me in the eye anymore maybe they're afraid of what they'll say or maybe they're smarter than that maybe they just know they won't be able to see naything at all i always wonder if i'll just die without meaning anything to anyone if they'll even miss me, or just make me perfect i think i'd hate that the most I'd WANT them to talk about my vices it's not like death changes life only the other way around i keep on wondering, but it's starting to scare me cuz i'll never even know if it turns out i'm all wrong can't hold this feeling, keep it quiet any longer i need to figure it out, pinpoint the exact moment where I screwed everything up and then just throw it all away oh dear, I'm sliding in a few more minutes and i might be pulled under for good lucky catch there wouldn't want anyone to get hurt again

invincible and invisible seems like such different words but really, for me atleast, they're kind of the same To be invincible, you can;t let yourself feel hurt washes over, pain trails away and so far I've found the best way to be unfeeling is simply by allowing yourself to just disappear we only hurt what we can see if I hide hard enough i'm forver safe from all those monsters singing in my sleep

reality tv is so entertaining i love i love money on vh1 it's like road rules challenges except better cuz all the cast memebers are basically hookers woot! i have no life lol destiny got sent home which made me sad :( i actually respected her by the end of rock of love cuz she was all like "of course I don't love Brett, I haven't known him long enough" and I'm like, yess there are sane people out there but anywho Megan's a bitch i hope she goes next even though she was on rock of love 2 which is by far the least trashy of love show on vh1 *end reality tv rant* i don't know why i just watch tv all the time theres really nothing to justify it if i looked hard enough i'm sure i could find something better to do maybe I'm just lazy even though wasting so much time is kind of messing with my head i just read through nintenboy1026's journal as in the whole thing that sounds stalkerish but whatever i swear I'm not creepy just really bored i thought it was interesting how he has a friend on her with an account too for me, that would be an impossibilty i could never ever let anyone who knows me read this they'd think i'm insane i write such weird ass shit in here sometimes it doesn't even seem like me writing like i can't believe it when i read it over ah well out of things to talk about i hate how i think i have so much to say turns out i'm almost always wrong

It's so cold in my house I'm all huddled up, blowing on fingers but still i feel it seeping seeping beneath my skin, scaring the bone i'm so lucky in my sheltered blanket there's no real war here just the petty arguments over nothing, nothing at all I wish I could help someone someone whose dodging landmines whose had to leave it all and start over but i'm stuck here in this state, this house doing nothing but writing in my journal all day maybe someday, when I'm not so afraid i'll be able to write some quality piece that will be so poignant it'll shatter you to pieces i swear to god this book could sink the sun but it was you i was thinking of it's been really lonely this weekend not a single friend phone call its like i only exist in fractions when we're apart no one ever thinks of me but with the rest, i'm the brightest color in the room maybe it's better like this it helps me focus I can pretend I'm perfect here there's no one close enough to stop me I watch tv because it's mindless i spend hours decoding songs because the words aren't mine every thing i do has rhyme and reason everysinglelittlething i keep lists in my head of rules, schedules allowances, indulgences tiny tallies to keep my brain on track so i don't completely get pulled under by the shadows i lost a poetry contest must have been that i'm too dark don't want to scare the kiddies, now do we? keep them innocent as long as possible smile through our lies as we swear this world is good i think i'm out of thinks maybe tomorrow then maybe tomorrow i'lll figure this shit out

So I got out of watching the rest of oceans 13 thank god as a general rule, i believe no movies should be more than an hour and a half like even awesome ones but when you've missed the entire first half of an action movie due to folding laundry and have no idea whats going on even like 5 minutes is wayyy tooo long oh well, atleast my mom seemed to agree and set me free :) hence here i am on songmeanings as i have no other hobbies today was a pretty good day my mom took me shopping at the mall i got some clothes i didn't need yay then i got a pedi whoch was also unecesary oh small rich towns gotta love my sheltered upbringing oh and then i randomly ran into linds at a restaurant she was there with her fam and so ofcourse she caught me up on all the intoxicating exciting drama fest that is her life and i asked questions and nodded alot because i think it's kind of funny when i can walk away and be the only one to realize i haven't shared a single thing about myself if it had been another friend, as in one of my good ones, i probably would have talked about chris i mean, it's not like my summers been THAT lame thanks to him that is :) we hung out last with a bunch of other gymnastics ppl saw suessical the musical at a high school cuz someone from gym was in it lol idk, it was weird i guess me and chris and the rest of the crew just kind of joked about it the whole time but he kept holding my hand or putting his arm around me it was nice better than matt even because, really, he's given me no reason at all to hate hime yet in a weird way, i kind of like the pda it's cute how he doesn't mind what gina and eric and everyone else form the gym think of us i like cuddling with him the fact he's so much shorter is starting to bother me alot less maybe looks don't matter as much when you get to know the person and anyways, i'm really not the kind of girl who needs to hear she's beautiful just for future reference, of course chris apparently has always had his eye on me self esteem boost right thur :) but yea that's enough lovely rambling i've kind of noticed that like 90% of the girls who write in journals on here just kind of gush about how in love they are idk, it gets you thinking there's no way that many people are actually in love so whats the ratio? pretenders to actuality call me cynical, but i'm thinking it's probably less than 50 to 1 i mean, we've only got high school we don't even know the real world yet how can we claim to truly become that much a part of another person just as clueless? This is random, but my friend's older sis got dumped by her bf recently thay had been dating four years four years! that's insane to just get up and walk away from i can't imagine going from 1000 to 0 in that one fell swoop I think I'd just fall flat on my face I mean, it was hard to get back up from matt and that was only lust and love in moments i can't imagine years can't picture really believing in forever that's why with chris, i stick to the physical it's always nice to have someone on call but in the end, you've got to be your own best friend you can't expect for anyone to be your savior except of course yourself

So here it is. I'm typing up my notebook. i'm at such a crossroads. THIS is my climatic moment. I want to affect change. i want someone to read this and think. Just for a second. About a maybe, a new way to percieve. So Let's go. Don't panic, there simply is no need-Andrew McMahon Forward:This is an excerpt from one of my books. the title is having hope. Maybe some of it will rub off on me? There's something about summer that makes days pass by almost effortlessly. it's like you lose that structure, sense of time, everyone seems so focused on during the school year. I always miss the breaks, find myself questioning the calendar. Is it really thursday already? Where did last week go? Maybe it has something to do with the weather, the warmth discouraging hurry. Or maybe time just works like that when we've got nothing worthwhile of savoring moments for. Mary heads to the pool with her friends almost everyday, probably more for the boys than anything else. This fact should probably concern me, but somehow it doesn't. it just makes me remember being 15, that powerful age of thinking you know everything. And then later on realizing just how wrong you were. She reminds me of myself back then, but she'd take offense if I told her this. I sigh and flash through old memories in my head of my bikini clad high school friends and getting tipsy on daddy's bourbon. Crazy how that was only 30 years ago. Somehow, it seems like 30 lifetimes. I knock on Teresa's door and enter the room without waiting for a response. it is not until I am already inside that I recall Mary's admonishment from yesterday, "there's no pint in knocking if you're just going to comer in anyway". It's a fair point i suppose, but Teresa doesn't even seem to notice my intrusion;her eyes stay focused on her book. For a moment I watch her, admiring her concentration. 13 has been hard for Teresa, and she's spent most of it alone. Everyday while Mary is off having fun, Teresa sits in her room reading for hours at a time. Her hand suddenly reaches toward the bedside table, picking up a chocolate bar I hadn't even noticed before. "Teresa," I say, probably more sharply than necesary. Her eyes flick up and the book falters in her hand. "Mom. You startled me," she says, regaining her composure. "Teresa," I say again, "why are you eating that candy bar now? It's almost tiem for lunch! You're going to spoil your appetite. Now put that thing away!" If it were Mary, there would have been a fight. But Teresa merely nods and tosses it into the garbage. "I'm sorry, mom," she says. I might be imagining but I could almost swear I see her wince as she does, as if it hurts her to submit so easily.

So I'm officially at that point of the day where i start to feel the boredom seeping in the meaning fall away and the old scars start to peel bringing back the old skin of yesteryear that time when I was happy I remember feeling full so unlike this sedation where everyday I'd smile cuz I was still alive The reason I take and twist these words is really just because without them i'd be blind I can't talk because then no one listens My image is so simple and soilid I'm just the girl with the pretty brown eyes the perfect gymnast body the kind of girl you love and leave except unlike others i never cry I write a poem like that in creative writing school how if i could, I'd mutilate my body just so the world could see without explaination that i deserve to be taken seriously i'm not what it seems there is no face value I'm disappearing in these visions i could really use a friend right now every time i touch myself it feels like a sin I'm terrified of mirrors I despise any imperfections I want to be perfect Not in mind, that's too much to ask In a weird way I like these fucked up thoughts coursing through my veins just perfect in the sense that i would be untouchable I don't want to feel anywhere I only want to breathe in lightening I was thinking i should type up my notebook some of poems on here I feel like I'd have to stay up all night and do it just radiating sleeplessness go to bed, my mom would yell well, they can make me do that they can make me lye down, stay still but they can never make me sleep