It's such a good feeling when your stars finally explode when the strenght comes flodding down in waves so your so aware, so conscious of what you're really worth no one ever warns you, though, about the biggest danger of flying it's not the fear of falling, not of getting lost in the clouds but just that once your firmly tied to the air you'll hate being anywhere else it's strange, but i find simplicity rather suffocating I like having tasks and goals places to be on time for when i just stay in bed until 9, even though i've been up for hours it makes me feel like crying that no one has any use for me at all inside that very moment i can't wait to hike the appalacian trail i want that gravel under my toes i want all those miles and miles behind me i want that objective, that predetermined ending point that way it won't come as a shock when i have to say goodbye my routine is trailing at my heels i'm nervous, i'm scared or i'm not but i should be it's so inevitable i find myself wishing this vacation would just hurry up and end let me have my letdown let me embrace it with sure strung dignity instead of going down fighting tooth and nail this music's far too queer and loud for this time and night play me a song, a song to sing one i can really sink my teeth into, swirl around in my tongue i memorize because it gives me something to think about that way, i know the rest of the world is still okay even when i'm shaking violently

It's kind of strange when you can read through someone's journal in like 15 minutes It's like you ahve all these days and memories and messages combined and if you scroll through it fast it looks like you have a lot but when you sit down and read, real reading, not just skim it doesn't take nearly as long as you thought it would huh how reliable does that make your opinions and judgements then? Can you start to like someone based on only 15 minutes they have given you? 15 minutes out of months and months of writing and time passing? in a weird way i think you can because it's not like they gave you any random 15 minutes they gave you the ones they deemed most important it't the choices, the selections you can reflect on the fact that these were the passages written and posted out of anything else that could have been I wonder how long my journal takes to read probably a while considering the stories and because i'm a writer, meaning this is the way i define myself maybe one day i'll actually take the time, years from now, to read the whole thing through that way i can see how many of those minutes could have been better spent elsewhere and how many i'm so happy i have to call my own Anyway, enough ranting I haven't been on in so long because of the beach i kind of imagine that people track me down when they're bored on here, google serenity23 to find my journal, get disappointed when i'm not the latest link Is that ridiculously weird? To imagine people actually caring about my journal? That I'm letting down thousands of adoring fans when i neglect it? haha i know i'm not if i'm really lucky, i've got maybe 2 or 3 people who think this is anything special maybe someday it will be worth something though maybe someday Even though it's been so long, i don't feel like i missed much the beach was fun my friend jess came for a few days her not bf was there getting stoned fun not but yea she's awesome I'm glad i can call her one of my besties

In a weird way i kind of like the pain the physical hurt i mean, the one twisting down my spine it makes me feel...stronger accomplished somehow like this is living proof i truly have tried my hardest i love what i do even if it can't come naturally i love the deep calluses on my hands even though they might be ugly they make me different, they define me all these little physical flaws they remind me of how much i've enabled my body to accomplish i should be so proud of myself this sport has taught me so much i know i talk about it far too often, but it's so true i wouldn't be half as strong without all the battles i've had to win to get to where i am I had the strangest dream last night about him i don't quite recall the circumstance, but for some reason i was really upset and you know what he told me? that i should be happy for what i have huh i heard crash into me on the radio too another sign i know it's not a get back together thing that part of my life is most definitely over but i think that and the dream, well i think someone up there is just trying to tell me that i can fix things if i try hard enough i've got the determination, the drive all i need is a little motivation I'm going to the beach tomorrow, so I'm basically out of comission for a week no friends, no computer but thats okay, i don't mind i think everybody should take some time to be alone it's amazing all the things you discover about yourself when you're not influenced by those around you i told chris to call or text since i'm not going to see him for a week he gave me a big hug goodbye no cheek kiss i don't know what to think, so i just won't if he calls, he calls if not, whatever i'll live i'm smart enough now to know that no other person is worth compromising yourself over you learn from mistakes that way next time, even if you make the same choice you know just what you're getting into i keep imagining what it would feel like to be invincible i'm not so sure I want it anymore it must get so distant at times when you're so sure you should feel hurt, but just can't i think i'd like the choice so i could turn it back on for a second if i ever started forgetting who i am how hard i worked to get all these scars If i could live my life over again, there's so much i would change but since that seems an impossibility at the moment, i guess i've got to be content reworking the future alright, fine be a better person simple enough hey, as long as you care enough to try you've got to be doing something right

day out day in it's the same, cycle same routine she yells and fights, picking the scabs till finally i'm falling back through the tears i hate crying especially in front of people especially in front of her but i can't help it i have no control over my body anymore i can't make it twist and turn as well as i used to make it risk injusry, push through the pain my brain freezes up i'm so fucking human i hate that so much but whenever she brings up gymnastics in any sense tears are the only response i have i guess it just shows the emotion, the pashion how i've become it, made this sport my everything there's no words left to describe what it means to me that's why i cry because that's my only hope of making her understand it bothers me how fake they are my mom pretends to care only when it's convenient i hate her undeserved compliments so much don't tell me my tap swings look great don't tell me how i hate competing how the hell do you know? you're never there you're not the one smahing into these barriers it's just so hard for me my progress is so slow i have no way of proving just how much i deserve this otherwise it wouldn't bother me nearly as much that no one gives a flying fuck i wish i could be nocturnal sleep when everyone else was awake and stay up alone in the darkness that way i wouldn't have to deal with anyone my mom always compares me to people especially people i really can't stand shallow little bitches who care about nothing who wouldn't know dedication if it bit them in the face my little sister is clearly the favored child she's the one who gets the i love yous the nice little greetings i'm just the extra i'm the fuck up here Why can't different ever be beautiful in this world? I'm not allowed to have my hair dyed blue for school i need to make a good impression on my teachers how ridiculous i don't want to be liked by anyone who'd judge me by my hair color but again, it doesn't matter what i think this is school we're talking about here that means i'm swimming with my head below the surface breathing only water, since i'm not allowed up for air that must be why my lungs feel so funny why sometimes, at the begining of the day i already feel like i'm going to collapse

I think i've swallowed so much pride these days that it's all just sitting, turning in the bottom of my stomach i've just given up free will i have to to get what i want if you refuse to make choices, someoine else makes them for you always, no exceptions everyone just gives up, gets tired in waiting no one has fgaith in me they can't see how hard i'm working no one sees the tears i cry, even tho i could swear they're out loud i'm invisible, but somehow i'm still not invincible cuz if i were there's no way i'd be hurting this much i never want to stop nevereverever i want it in my blood i want to fuck up my body so bad i can't walk when i'm thirty i want it to criipple me, kille me i want the momentum to smash me into walls i felt weightless for a second there maybe the wait was that free will i was talking about maybe that means it was worth it ah my eyes itch again i keep on scratching, rubbing it in i bet my makeups all down my face i really don't care at all

ah i'm on such a music high right now just made a killer mix cd for chris it's so upbeat i almost can't stand it! yay! tomorrow is his grad party which i am obviously attending lol as his not gir friend i guess? idk, whatever i'm just glad i get to be there it's kind of weird how i just started wishing we were actually dating not cuz i like him so much or anything like that it's just that he's interesting in like such a not stereotypical this is how high school is supposed to be way more in an edgy party scene getting high all the time way my parents would killlll me if they knew lol good thing they're only interested in what's on the surface that's why i've become such an awesome liar they make it too easy in other news tho they said i could go to gym 4 days a week if i prove first i can keep my grades up fine it's a deal doubt they'll stick to their end of the bargain but watevs it's nice that they try i'll give them the bennifit of playing the game through to the end my life is sooooooo boring i hate being stuck home all day the only time i went out was with my fam for dinner and some power shopping yay jealous? i was talking tonight about what i want to do after college they laughed when i said i want to just go travel the world what about money? Health insurance? a car? whatever, hush hush leave me to my fantasies is that really too much to ask? i'm getting tired now i can't keep my eyes opnme that's weird it kind of just hit me like poof, there goes the spunk hm i hate being human it makes me feel sos disgusting sometimes i wish we weren't all so vulnerable how can this skin protect me if it scars so easily?

I WISH I COULD JUST FQALL ASLEEP FOR LIKE A MILLION YEARS AND WAKE UP ONLY WHEN EVERYHTING WENT BACK TO OKAY i hate hurting i'm so so sorry for all these mistakes they're marked on my face, you can see all the scratches why does everyone still seem to think i'm so beautiful i'm not beautiful, i'm only pretty that's why these boys keep using me i'm the girl with the body, i'm the whore but really i'm only easy because i just don't care i think i think if i let people hurt me, they'll eventually learn something from it like maybe in a few years they'll look back and be ashamed of treating me like shit it's sop cruel, but i want to give other people those horrible memories to hold onto I WANT to give someone regrets even if it means creating new ones of my pown how fucked up is that? At night, i never dream of anything important i wish you could see dead people in dreams i wish wishing counted for something i want these tears gone i want them to find me ina puddle and wonder someone hold me, please i need a hero i need a friend i hope someday i'll change someone make them a better person i'm so tired of the little lies, fake reassurances i tell myself it's okay what i do, to let everyone have a little piece i've got plenty to spare, i don't need it all i just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be before we were old enough to know how to really hate

I thought i had so much to say but now it's all gone my eyes keep itching i hate my hands i hate my face stop touching it's not my body give it away i'm on this world, but not of it i read that in a book i think it's my new motto i want out of this skin i want to stop feeling these little aches and pains i just can't stand it stay away everyone i'm seriously wanrning you i'm totally completely out of control please don't hold me accountable for anything i do or say im typing so fast my hands are flying this is writing this pure power emotion i don't even think its all in my handds my eyes won't stop itching shut up shut upp please body, please i don't want to feel oh my goodness, oh my soul i just might keep scratching until i get past the bone i wonder what comes after nothingness?

I make so many promises i tell so many lies i bleed through my nostrils i breath through my eyes I don't have to find you I've got songs in my head i've got black thoughts to fool you so you'll know i'm not dead everybody needs someone but for me, not the case i'll take you, i'll break you wear your heart on my face Got that pashion inside you let's spike up that dance bruised hips and chapped lips pretend it's all chance Lost myself in a showdown You see sparks in my eyes but i see just pupils no truth and no lies it's haunting me hunting me it's deep in my core And baby, don't worry i can't bleed anymore

what does fire sound like? it seems i can't remember or maybe i just never knew i know what stars are though those big balls of fire i wish upon one every night i remember but it doesn't make a difference it's a long fall to nothing but does it even hurt if you never hit the bottm? When i was little i saw tangles of mirrors i know they were glass, but they looked like fate like if i pressed hard enough, i'd just float clean through its only a memory, but it makes me sound crazy don't worry, you can all sleep sound words and recollections don't match your gun power but honestly, it's the best i've got unless of course you count the radiating burn i always associate smells with time like i'll be walking and out of nowhere i'm back in last year or at camp, in europe, at disney world wherever i can't seem to recall if they're encouraging crazy thinking these days does it matter that i forget? or does it mean i've just forgotten i'm forgetting?