I bang my head along to the beats i form my army, my own little world i feel most comfortable with headphones in my ears because it means i don't i have to speak i wonder if people see se me standing there alone and feel sorry for me or do they just see nobody home and accept it I have to do it though, it's my version of love It's music or screaming for help and in htis world no one cares about anyone else it's just as well I like being my own private island sometimes

Somtimes i feel like a stranger in my family we're talking but it feels like i'm silent my words taste so shallow e,pty i don't want to sit and talk, stay fro a while i just want to run, get back up stairs back to hiding, back to writing i scream to music at the top of my lungs i love lyrics, colliding and crashing i never want anything to hold onto someone get the damn phone it's taking over my head Sometimes i think i made it all up that this is only a story i'm telling myself that really, i'm another person in an alternate universe just following along on the edges of normal can anyone tell i'm strange when they look in my eyes because if i look in the mirror, i start to see it it creeps up on me at first, like a hidden shadowy light but suddenly, spark turns to fire and for a second a start to wonder if maybe i really am beautiful afterall i need to get my focus together stop being so stubborn it's just two more years, two more wasted years or atlkeast that's what i tell myself when i can't fall asleep i know i'm indebted to my parents forever i know i'll probably have to make room for my sister in the nexrt part of my life but honestly, it genuinely hurts me how different wew seem how can they not see the world in the terrible way i do? how can they not see the statues crumbling how can they see more sky than cloud it hurts so bad because i can't escape it reality just is there's no shaking a life story there's no waking up, recovering i wish i could get that thank god i't not real feeling even just a little please help me pretend?

I feel like i should od an update has it reall only been a week since i last posted? why does it feel like so much longer? The weekends almost over I just finished an english paper yay I'm tired, but not in a sleepy kind of way just a bored barely breathing way like a life without living I went to a party on saturday night it was actually fun i didn't do anything stupid and i didn't get caught so that's always a plus oh and the new girl at school who my friends and i adopted is having a kick ass sweet 16 soon so more partying to come ugh, why do i have nothing to write about that makes no sense at all there used to be days where i could squeezer out 2 or 3 entries now i can't even manage to make one out of a week wow this is frustrating is my life really that boring?

Monday's are the hardest They're always so abrupt Immediately, 3 less hours of sleep Immediately, back to the grind I wish i needed a break, but i honestly don't anymore I'm strangely okay with these 18 hour days with this fast paced rush it gives me less time to procrastinate more time to get down and focus I hate when I act like a bitch in front of people i hate when other girls hit my hot button just mention the rebeccas and i'm one of them just piss me off the timiest bit, just call one of them nice, and i'm off on a ride I can't keep quiet, can't swallow it down these feelings, this payback, just have to explode all the ways the hurt me, all the scars and used up places, they have to fight back no one realizes this isn't me, i don't have that same motivation it's just i need to help others grasp just how horrible people can be, of course me included Maybe if i was prettier, maybe if i never had days where i felt so crap, then maybe i wouldn't feel like i had to be so cruel to compensate I doubt it though, why would just that little bit make a difference? "If she gets nowhere in life, atleast she knows she's pretty" I'm the girl in straw dog I'm thinking i can fly, and i might but no ones bleeding for me anyhow

Wanting I want to walk 4,000 miles across the east cost Until my feet bleed only holy water And not bright red flashes of pain I want to feel the wind in my hair Learn how to keep it tied in my lips So instead of talk, I sing I want to test my body, discover its barriers Break it in, find all it’s worth Only to keep pushing harder I want to feel numb and alive Allow nature to fill me, replenish me Claim me back as its own I want to feel supernatural Like a creature of light and color Escaping the tethers of earthly pain I want to learn how to think in riddles Distract myself from all that is present Take a holiday from real I want to feel the distance behind me The tangible accomplishment, the taste of pride Sliding over and under my tongue But most of all, I want to stop wanting Stop wishing, stop dreaming, stop hoping And start walking towards the first day of my life

I just got a whole bunch of cds to upload from the library. Yay! Easily the best way ever to steal music illegally lol. Anyway, i haven't been on here in so long because i've been insanely busy with both schools and gym and family and whatnot yesterday i actually fell asleep at my friends house i mean who does that? it was only like 10:40 too but we were both pretty exahausted i think there should be some kind of in between for summer and the school year i vote we try starting at not like 7:30 waking up at 5:40 everyday is really taking its toll grr oh well i got to sleep in today, which was excellent so now i should be able to make it through the day even if i have to spend it with my extended family :( sigh i just read an english textbook about the start of american literature and actually found it interesting for a while what the hell is wrong with me? ugh i'm so weird lol well this entry is kind of stupid diary of the tyoical teenage girl is so i'm going to stop now before you lose all respect for my writing goodbye

it's always so busy, this life i've got no time to myself every second of mine is bustle hurry, run but it's okay, i don't mine it makes me feel like i'm actually getting stuff done the weeks fly by into weekends homework, music, school, gymnastics i let it consume me, eat me alive i don't fight it, because we're not winning we're just going out in style big old dreams float through my airwaves they seem more real now, more reachable two more years and i'm out two more crazy intoxicating life changing years i hate when people think no one understands them we all bleed the same blood, cry the same tears we all have roots that break and bend and lend to pain that's why i write in here instead of complaining Did you know the english language is declining? It'a a huge epidemic in a strange way i'm kind of scared society will just collapse on it's own fortress because we've all forgotten how to think creatively

whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there it's not like i have a choice i embrace it, face it head on you have to when you're like me otherwise you end up wishing so much you lose all touch on the ground pain in its human form it breaks me down screams that aren't even mine accusations i never meant to let loose words can lose their meaning if you let them what if that happens to me? what if i find that one day none of these entries make any sense? where does that leave me? it's not like i've got a back up plan i think maybe then i'd just walk hours and hours miles and miles lose track of time all together it gets lonely though so so lonely I think i can understand why so many people go insane you have to form a new world inside your head to compensate for the lacking one we've got right in front of us i wish i could sail across the sun trace my way through the constelations would anyone miss me? i know i know i'd miss them back all the same

Well this looked like fun. Thanks seewa 1. Name a quote from the song you're listening to: "cuz i still believe in destiny"-sorry it's on shuffle, that's some lame shit my sis downloaded from a disney movie 2. When were you born? nov 26th 3. Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating? haha of course. Actually i'd say the majority of people i've kissed were practically strangers... 4. What are you seriously wearing? I'm seriously wearing my pjs 5. When is the last time you saw the person you like/liked? Friday. But just for the record the person happens to like me back, so i'm not pathetic. Go me! 6. Ever kissed anyone on your top friends? Myspace is for rapists! 7. Describe the last time you were injured? Hmm I don't know. I'm always in pain from gym, does that count? 8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? During summer yes, on school nights hell no 9. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back? Maybe my 8th grade camp bf cuz he was really innocent and adorable, plus his mom was brittish(!) but only if he's gottten more experienced lol 10. On your "lazy days" what would you be doing? tv, read, songmeanings. Oh wait that's everyday! grrrr 11. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with? S, because she's incredibly amusing 12. Most recent movie you have watched in theaters? The house Bunny 13. Who was the last person to slap your butt? Umm I'll go with chris, but it was more of an affectionate grab 14. Favorite toy as a child? American girl dolls omfg we have them all now 15. Do you own a pair of Converse? yes! like 5 actually, i looooovvvveeee converse

I've got a killer vibe I feel weakly invincible my body's breaking down on me i feel so thirsty nothing happens when i drink my skin is betraying me i wish i could force it into perfection, submission How can i become flawless with all these mistakes written all throughout my blood? I wish there was an alternate universe a place i could go to escape my body and bring back pieces of that aura so i don't think about my carrier as much and anyone would see if they tried to look at my face was a layer of florecent lavender