and i still don't understand how or why you hate yourself. what is there to hate? good to know i'm not alone, i guess. you know, i saw the two of them sitting there. and i did wonder how many were broken... but of course, i told myself neither was, and that being suspicious of your best friend is not really a great plan. do i believe it? when i said it i did. oh, i did. but now, when i try to rationalize it... yes and no. not that you lost her. never that. never. but that your memories of her will never be tainted by teenage fights. that there will be no point where you lose all trust in her. that you will never be able to hate her. that she cannot do to you what mine has done to me. i dunno. i dunno. it doesn't matter if i did something wrong or not. the point is, i shouldn't have said it. but what's done is done. i can't take it back-- even though i probably would. no, definitely would. because then i wouldn't have hurt you; i wouldn't have had my suspicions confirmed; i wouldn't have caused that. * * * * * * * * back from the race. 3.6 miles, 40:29. YAY

another bottled-up rant, bring it on. go ahead. i tried the first time and failed. made it worse, in fact. so this time different person, different situation but i've learned from my mistakes. i'm gonna keep my ass out of it if it kills me. "if it makes you happy it can't be that bad" right? right. shit, who am i kidding? maybe i'd better join the crowd. promises are made to be broken.

i meant to tell you this. cuz i finally realized it- maybe i never was in your position. maybe i never did know your reason. but you hated him. [even if you "don't" now, you did then] and that was reason enough for me to hate him too. but now i've started to get to know him for myself started to like him, goddamit and... i just don't see it he can be an ass sometimes, yeah but not on purpose unless he really doesn't like you and hes a lot deeper than you think. what was it he said when you guys were going back and forth the closer you get the more they push you away i've realized it now the more i need you to be there the less i want to be so dependent [though i'm not sure if i'm being selfish or if it's because you have enough on your mind already] and then if something happens that i feel guilty for i isolate myself and drown myself on a guilttrip. and there's another thing to tell you i called them all first because i didn't want to talk to you i didn't want to face what i'd said, how i felt and i didn't want you to have to deal with me some friend I am. some damn friend.

how do you think i feel? goddamn promises. i'm being such a baby today. i wanted to keel over and die this morning. for no reason. i almost started crying. for no reason. i'm having another episode i just need a stronger dose... anyway. i'm pretty much isolating myself. not much i wanna do right now but be alone. and i've been thinking about him so much lately... face it, girl, he's gone. he's changed and so have you. and besides, you were miserable at the end. you just want to feel needed...

about tuesday night. and of course, i'm isolating myself. i didn't mean it the way it came out. [but now i'm just making excuses and making it worse.] so i'll leave it at i'm sorry. and that next time i'll keep my mouth shut.

so i'm back from new york. it was fun. even though i almost died.. almost got hit by a car running a red light. no Gerard at MT though. i would have taken a picture of me macking with a wax Gerard... ah well. today was fun. beach. yay! k, i can't believe he doesn't swim. Charlie + Isabella =

i know. i just might shoot myself. [[so you can't when i tell you]] anyway. just got back from bowling. it was fun. yay for bumpers. two strikes and three spares. * * * * * * * * good feeling's gone. "we have an open-door policy in this house and that's how it's going to stay." bitch. i can't even shut my bedroom door. it's MY damn door. "we're not SPYING on you..." well what do you call reading my diary, monitoring my every move, controlling everything i do? ah, for fuck's sake. she's coming to NYC with us. i just might die. Chloe, Kel, keep me fom strangling her, will you?

well. this was quite possibly the most thoroughly awful day in my life. do they have to be awful to me? "punch me in the face. last offer." like thats gonna make it better. two wrongs don't make a right. [but three rights make a left] anyway. one more day of finals. then friday is the last day of school. then k's. then the weekend. then monday i might get my hair cut. then tuesday- NYC. can't. wait. she has her fairytale, when will i get mine? do i even want a fairytale? do i deserve it?

i've been rather neglecting my SM here... i think i missed it. well, G is gone. graduated and gone. i'll never see him again... i think once that really hits home next year i just might cry. i did cry, yesterday, but not because of him. because of mom, or course... she always knows how to make me feel like shit. half the time i don't even do anything wrong. i lay on my floor and cried. oh, and yesterday was the show. a white for my first class. Dante's sticky lead. he likes the left better than the right and wouldn't change. Katie's saddle slipped 90 degrees and off she went... blue on the course. good pony... then a [short] trail ride, hose the pony down, and head home. S was gonna call i guess but didn't, so we didn't go to the beach, and then mum and me had our spaz. that was my day.... yeah. and now it's sunday and i have nothing to do. should be studying for finals, but don't really feel like it. and my legs don't hurt anymore, haha! if it stops raining i might go out today, and then i'll do a couple laps Tuesday, and then Thursday we race again. 46th place, yeaaaaah. i can do better than that.

i wanna see some fireworks. i wanna live the Disney movies i've always hated 'cuz they never told the truth and everyone always lived happily ever after. i want a picture-perfect sunset. i want never to be jealous of another girl again. i want to be able to get anyone i choose. i want to not have to wait. i want to travel the world. i want to make a difference. to someone. to anyone. things i want, but can't have... things i have, but don't want. and once again i think of me, not of them. not of what they need more than what i want. i don't even know who they are. what is wrong with me today? i don't even know where that all came from. it might be better if i just stopped thinking...