i am the happiest girl alive. well, for now anyway. i finally asked him to semi... and if he was actually going, he would have said yes. as is he's going to his aunt's. which sucks for me. but... i'm still happy that he'd have said yes. it's a step. *happy dance* =] i do feel bad for "Joe" though... he'll get over it though. and "Francesca" (lol) will get her chance. i wish both of us luck. yay!!

i have no idea what to do. "Joe" and "Bob". "Bob" and "Joe". and me. I like "Bob". "Joe" likes me. "Bob"-"Joe"-"Bob"-"Joe". ugh. less than a week to make a decision. and then a few days to act. [[or not.]] "Joe" hovers. i never really noticed how annoying that was. i do the same thing to people i like- constantly position myself near them, even if i'm not facing them. but i'm almost sure that "Bob" was hovering the other night as well.. stuck in the middle. I want to ask "Bob" to semi. But I don't want to hurt "Joe" by asking "Bob". god, what a mess. this time i was thrown into it rather than making it myself... and T, i hope i'm not the one you're referring to. i don't want anything to happen that would shatter our possey any further. and as to today's issue, i'm going to keep my mouth shut this time. keep myself out of trouble. let's try that for once. see how it goes.

that might be more damage than i can handle to cause. it might be okay if it were spread out, but to one person? i don't think i can do that. as i see it though, better 60% than 100. and 100% is the damage he'll get if i wait. i didn't ask for this! why? because i'm too good at hiding Bad Carmen. [[Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants reference. yay.]] Bad Carmen only comes out around the girls. and guys that i really hate. not him... Good Carmen, yes. Slightly Naughty Carmen, yes. but Bad Carmen, no. he doesn't know me well enough to like me that way. i've got to set him straight somehow...

semi is two weeks away. whee. one catch though- i have a sinking feeling that one of the guys i know likes me. you know, in that way. and while that's flattering, it's not a good thing. the guy that shouldn't like me seems like he does. the one that i like seems like he thinks i'm an idiot. aren't people wonderful? and while we're all counting, i'd just like to throw it out there that i have none thus far, none that are personally and purposefully inflicted. * * * * * * * * why does hearing the happy stories make me so damn depressed? and i found out a few days ago, i am completely and totally over him. i brought up something we had talked about while we were together. i remembered that it had been then but there were no twinges of "i shouldn't have said that" or "god i miss it", and it was actually funnier now that it was back then. so i'm good. completely and totally good. and yesterday would have been our one year. but i don't care. i'm glad it's over. a year from asking and nine months from ending, i am totally over it. yay. =]

i don't know who sings that song but that's pretty much how i feel right now. i wish i could bring myself to delete all my old entries and start over, because everything i post just gets me in trouble. i think that i've been more miserable this weekend than i've been in a long time. i need to just stop talking. everything i say is wrong. and even if it's true when i say it, the truth is gone five minutes later. that makes me fickle and a liar, doesn't it? i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. just don't let me say anything ever again, ok? if i try to talk just tell me to shut up. nothing i say is important anyway. i bet i'll cry myself to sleep tonight. and then tomorrow everything will be better. and this entry will be yet another lie to add to the list. i'm my own worst enemy i've given up i'm sick of feeling is there nothing you can say? take this all away i'm suffocating tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

lost ANOTHER entry due to lack of subject. grr. deleted my last entry. it caused more trouble than the catharsis was worth. and T and K, please don't tell D i'm here. i don't need him knowing- i don't trust him the way you guys do. and you, well, you completely missed the point, i think. no one ever picks up on what they're supposed to in my posts. am i really that vague?

everyone always gets sick when i'm supposed to do something with them. is it my luck? or is it an excuse they all use to get out of it? well, nevermind. i'm just wallowing. i promised her i wouldn't look for it. it's getting progressively harder not to... i've been replaced by a blog and another friend. i guess i had it coming. they basically planned it at my house- and no one invited me. guess i had good reason to feel miserable that night. forget it. the only reason i let myself wallow is so someone will notice. i'm never happy unless i'm the center of attention... and you don't know how much this is hurting me... i'm far too attached. so proud of being an individual, but i'm really not. far too dependent. and sometimes i wonder if it would be easier on me to just stop talking to her, but i know i never could...

should i tell her? ..that he's Will's parallel? ..that I changed my mind, and I'm going to do it no matter what they all say? ..that I can't honestly say I fully trust her anymore? (that hurts to admit, don't get me wrong; but her reactions to everything that's been going on are so different than they once would have been.) ..that she's changed so much I hardly know her anymore? (or is it just my perspective that's changed? ..that it hurts to see that this is what it takes to make her happy? ..that i still haven't forgiven us for what we did to her. (which makes the current situation all the more ironic.) that last she knows, but won't accept. maybe she doesn't have to, but it doesn't change how it is. i've been wishing so much lately that things could just go back to how they were. it feels like so long ago...

we already know who Sara and Kate's parallels are. well, today i found Will's. gorgeous gold-brown eyes... reddish-brown hair... funniest kid ever... fits the character description. maybe not 100%, but close enough. Sara isn't completely perfect either. and i didn't notice this till i got home, but Sara and Will met each other through their parents. Their parallels met the same way. Scary, isn't it? And knowing what we know about Kate and Will... A sign, perhaps?

why is everyone cutting? why can't people just suck it up and get over it? life may suck for you, but it does for everyone else too. i know i'm one to talk, considering i've tried. but i never actually did it. does that make me stronger for not giving in? or does it make me weaker, in that i don't have the willpower to do it? granted, i channel my anger at others, not into myself. is that safer? less destructive? i can't handle all this. I'm turning into Holden Caulfield. but i already know i can't save everyone. but i can't stop trying.... is it worth it? am i worth it? ...do they deserve to be saved?