Scariest thing happened today. HK almost had a panic attack. CC [been a while since i mentioned him] like hugged her and she started shaking... at first i thought she was crying. but she wasn't... she was shaking, holding her throat... it was freaky. but she said she's okay... guess i'll have to take her word for it. the question now is, do i still trust her?

why do i always get so worked up about this stuff? why am i so bitter? and why can't i make him understand... is it because I don't understand?

that they're never aware of how cute they're being? "=[ but u had 2 go as i was typing that... i didnt get to say goodbye :(" last night he said that, after i left. i didn't see it til today. he still looks at me funny. like, not bad funny. but i dunno.. funny. but yeah.... i guess today was a good day.

i have Dangerous Summer stuck in my head. they're amazing. it's been a long day. went to Kel and Tay's sball game after school. one of their teammates got hurt wicked bad. ambulance and everything. stretcher, backboard... i was scared to death. i hope she's okay....ihopeshe'sokay.... then got in a fight with Nate. me and Kel, fighting him separately, but at the same time about the same thing. i'm almost sorry for it. but... i'm making excuses again. i told myself- promised myself- i was going to stop doing that. but what he said after... " :( im sry, u both think im an ass" how could you say that? howcouldyousaythat? i could never think you're an ass. yes, i get mad at you once in a while... but i get mad at everyone. i'm sorry i can be such a bitch. imisshim. when i'm with him, he doesn't talk, so he may as well not be there. but whenever i'm alone, i just want him with me... it's still so hard to believe that he is actually my bf. but the other night we were talking and i asked him what he would say if that guy from tokio hotel- th one that looks like a girl- asked him out and he says "i can't tell you, my gf might hear" he has no idea how happy that made me. livinforthelittlethings. xo.

you'd think that by now i'd have learned my lesson about keeping my mouth shut.... screw that. here we go again. but for once, i am gonna leave names out, and no amount of pressing is gonna get them out of me. is that enough "lesson" for you? [forme?] anyway. i know stuff is tough, been there done that over and over again. but hey, shit happens. and i know i am not the model of accepting what comes. but sometimes it seems that they exxagerate just a lil... but who am i to talk? it's just me making my problems more important than theirs. once again my selfishness shows up. there are people out there, some that i know and they know very well, that have way bigger problems than they do, than i do. and yet, we all continue to complain... ahwell. like i said, shit happens... i just gotta learn to deal with it.

now that our little "group" here is 6 people or so, expect me to get steadily vaguer... sorry in advance. but anyway. everyone's off at the school orchestra concert. ohwell... i didn't feel like going. even though my bf's in the orchestra and i prolly should have gone... ooops. i'm gonna see if me and the rent's can go get ice cream.. even if it is freezeyourassoff cold here. and it must still be raining... skirt+tights+flats+rain+puddles+goddamncold=notsofun. but diners=bliss, so it's all good. luv.

well. that changes things a little... we're all hanging on by what little we can. mostly by promises we've made. promises we wish we could break, but never would. but anyway.... shout outs to Rachel, didn't know you were here, dearie.

one of these days, i'm going with her. i wanna meet this chick. i kinda want to give him what-for too.. but i shouldn't blame him. after all, this might help in the long run. still. she hates it already... at least, thats the impression i get. come on, why won't you split them with me? it'll be fun... a little keepsake. swear i won't do anything with it... aaaanyway. peace out, cub scout.

feelin a bit better. having great times after school... BROOM CLOSET!!! [don'tevenask] but yeah. he said i have never scared him or freaked him out, and not be bothered by him worrying about me. as long as i let him know i'm okay he'll feel okay. awwww. but apparently i did scare her... i scared me a bit too. it's not like i'm trying to see these things. they just come into my mind and i can't shove them away. it's so scary to see it all in the third person... i think maybe i have issues? you're not the only one who needs therapy, let me tell you that. but anyway. oh. yeah. i was talking to him the other night. and i was feeling so crappy... i gave him a quote of my last entry. and he was all like worried... he's a saint to put up with me. i don't know how he does it. but. what matters is he's there for me. nomatterwhat. it does still slightly bother me that it took a mention of suicide to get him to talk, though... ohwell. whatever. i think i had something else to say. but i can't remember what. hmm... i'll think of it later, i'm sure...

i don't feel so great. tomorrow's gonna suck. i've just been fighting with everyone lately. Tay, Eric, i probably fought with Chloe, i've been kinda pissed at Nate... i don't wanna go to school tomorrow. i'm... scared. ashamed. done with the excuses. i've felt like shit for the past few days. i... i had suicide thoughts this morning. because i was so mad at myself for being so mad at everyone else. what loss would one little bitch be? sure, they'd all miss me. but they'd get over it. but of course i can think of thinking, but never to the point where i would actually plan it. i'm not that brave, i'm not that decisive. i'm just so done with this. iwantout. out of this vicious cycle, out of this town, out of this perspective. but not out of this life. [[notyet]] i wrote a few stanzas today. i'll come up with more to go with them later. "no more tears, no more pain" said the wind to the rain and the oceans, ashamed felt that they were to blame. wind-rain-oceans... they all stand for something. granted, oceans are not the best metaphor.. they're deep and cool and greenish-blue, not quite the right representation. perhaps clouds. no, that's too pretty. or blank slates...that might fit. i’m tired of the excuses that I’ve made the the things that i've been hiding start to fade these words can never mean what I would say i just don’t know how to make it through the day that just says how i feel right now. i make so many excuses to myself. i'm sick of it. absolutely sick of it. i'm sick of me. how can i go around saying that these people need to change, when i am so much worse than they are? how can i ever live up to what i want to be?