he seemed so happy it was over... and then i found this out [slightly edited for clarity]: "he didn't want you to feel bad. this we [my friend and him] have talked about. he wasn't glad to get rid of u, no, he's just doing his best not to take it hard because he knew you thought it was best" i don't even want to know the implications of that. i don't want to feel worse than i already do. i figured something out, though. i originally asked him out because he was such a comfort to me. as time went by and he gradually stopped talking to me, that level of comfort drastically dropped until i couldn't talk to him at all. and that's when i ended it. ...and now he talks to me again. i'm enjoying being single again, i really am. but i miss that comfort of three months ago... that's what i really miss. not the time i lost. the familiarity. the only bad thing about being single is JB... i have a sinking feeling he likes me. especially after wednesday.. he was going so out of his way on the bus to make sure i noticed him. [hi. hi. hi. repeated until i finally said it back. and then he shut up, more or less.] he is an ass. and he looks like a rat. if there is one person i like less than him, though, it's DF. somebody get him to leave me alone.

pssssh. at least they're not telling me i'm beautiful. and as for you, i don't think you really want to talk to me anyways. if that's true please tell me before i try to be friends with you again. i want my three months back. i want to erase the last three months and start over from the beginning- and not ask him out in the first place. how was i supposed to know i'd end it and end up feeling just as bothered after as during? all the unanswered questions still floating around... what was i thinking. what was i thinking.

so i did it. i broke up with him yesterday afternoon. he took it really well. he says he's happy with it- guess it was good for both of us. so i am officially single again. and happier. three months, one week, and three days. longer than i thought. in other news, i have a huge ugly bruise on my leg.... "the jungle gym happened" it hurts. it's still swollen and it's quite colorful. ahhh, fun...

Zaraiya took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or oppos..."

Click here to read the rest of the results. scary how accurate.

i feel like a mess all over again. he didn't talk to me like at all today. i'm starting to wonder if i'm not the only one having doubts... it will be the breakup rebellion. tay's the only one who's safe... i just don't know what i want. do i want to (i'm miserable) stay, or (i'll regret it) leave? do i want to be single again (and thus alone)? i'm not liking any of these thoughts. but something has to change... i don't want to end up deciding to leave even if that's what's best... i don't want to follow in her footsteps. and it would be too soon, anyway... two in a row would start a chain. i just don't know... i think personalities pass both ways. RIPWill+Kate. and C, i'm sorry. i still feel guilty that it was him that had the guts... and that now you're going through all this. i guess i felt like i had the right to telling.

I'm writing to you again. I know you've been kinda miserable lately. If you need to talk I'm here. And I hope I'm not running you off further by saying that- I mean it. I count you a really good friend. I hope you think the same of me... Love you always, dear, no matter how awkward or alone you think you are.

if i died tomorrow you wouldn't even miss me. you'd probably be glad you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. and you know, i don't half blame you, because everything i do is just so illogical. and i am so fucking irresponsible, i can't do anything right, and sometimes i put me before you when i forget that the world revolves around you. i bet i was an accident. i hope i was adopted. i don't know how he could love you. what's so great about you?

I started writing you a letter here, then thought the better of it. Just know that however this turns out I will be behind you and support you 100%. Luv you, Reptar.

i need someone to talk to. i am ridiculoisly stressed out. should be working on a project. but of course, i am here. it'll help now, but i will regret this at ten tonight when i am scrambling to finish that damn project. i... i don't even know. i feel like there's something i should say to him. because he never talks. and lately... i dunno. i'm just getting a weird vibe. i hate to say this. but. that doesn't change anything. i miss being single. because lately... i'm feeling single again. like seriously. and i miss being able to act single. and not having to think "i shouldn't do this. i have a boyfriend." as awful as it is to say that, i'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise. from now on i'm going to have a policy of truth with myself. i need to stop suffocating thoughts i don't like... maybe the little bitch i hear really is me. but anyway. K, T, C, E- don't worry 'bout me, 'bout us. you all know i could never do it. but do i need him for who he is or for who he is to me?

so on the bus this afternoon i was talking to Amanda... I told her why I never officially went out with J. I really don't want to repeat it. I'm not proud of it. It's not something you want to hear yourself say... But it felt good to finally say it. Just to get it out there. To finally admit it... The second half I didn't tell her. And I don't plan to tell anyone... Maybe I'll send it to PostSecret. Been thinking about that for a while. But now that that's out in the open... Maybe I'll be able to not be angry anymore. Maybe I'll be able to bring myself to talk to him... Not that I actually will want to. But it will be an option. I never missed him and I never will. However... I realized today that I do miss Base a bit. Not as a crush- never as that. But as a friend. I miss actually being able to talk to him. As thick as he is, he's a cool guy. Maybe I'll try to build up a friendship with him again... Or maybe not. I dunno. Still some thinking to do. 'Bout a lot of things. xoxo. much love.