having a shitty day. she hates me now. not my fault. i told the truth. if she had actually tried, she wouldn't be redoing it, now would she? damn, who am i kidding? i'm already blaming myself. i'm saying it wasn't me as much to convince myself as to convince you. and his eyes still get me... i saw who he used to be today. he really came through... damn i miss him. a lot. more than i ever thought i would. time heals almost everything. and as i told Paige, a little forgiveness goes a long way. fuck it. i can't. i won't. dammit, never again. not him. not now. not ever... i need to stay uninvolved in that one respect. uninvolved. i can't do it. i won't let myself. no. no. i'm putting myself back on my diet. and this time i'm gonna stay... no looking at the menu. oh, and it doesn't help that i'm totally periing. i feel like crap.

i am now obsessed with Keane =] they're amazing. i've been listening to Under The Iron Sea like nonstop. it's sooo good. also obsessed with North by Something Corporate. gorgeous =] anywayy... today was ok, i guess. it just felt so long. i keep thinking it's wednesday... but yeah. been taking a lot of pictures. so i'm happy =]

today was worse. who called it? he was being a total bitch. worse today than ever before. it was funny before, but now it's crossed the line. can you just shut up? thanks. leave me alone. just the random, shitty comments. "wanna work together?" no. "you're just not the person i thought you were." well, whoop de doo. what kind of person did you think i was, eh? you don't even KNOW me. you can't say what kind of person i am! fuckin LAY OFF! i can't stand him now. die, bitch, die. although, by tomorrow it'll be funny again. or not... wait and see.

it's been a long day. and tomorrow's gonna be worse, cuz i have to make her stay after to work on this project since i'm going away this weekend. which may or may not suck, depending on how cold it is. chances are i'll be freezing my ass off. but i'll be home... down by the ocean was where i first came up with his song. now i've finished it... so i have to go back and recite it where i started it, i guess. close the circle, truly move on... but yeah. i dunno, i can still see the old him just below the surface. but i can't- won't - fall in again. nor the other one either. gone. nor will i sink to the level of the third. now he's just annoying. loud and obnoxious. i turned the volume on my headset all the way up today to drown him and his friends out... and then my computer made a funny noise and i jumped. but whatever, he's not too hard to ignore. but he needs to watch his language. i almost yelled at him for calling his friend a f**. i do swear, i'm not perfect. but i am strongly opposed to that word in particular. won't say it, even quoting. but meh... don't really care. he's prolly an ass anyway. and besides. i don't need anyone nearly as much as i think i do. "no boyfriend, no problems", right? no feelings for anyone, even fewer problems. woot.

we started Trainspotting last night. got about halfway through before i had to get picked up. it's a damn good movie. i'd sleep with Renton, no question. and this morning i finished the second book of Midnighters. bittersweet... it always makes me so happy when the semi-obvious romantic entanglements straighten themselves out, but at the same time, it's kinda sad 'cause i can't relate... ah well. and panda's wrong, no way in hell will he ask out a short soph he barely knows. it's not gonna happen. but eh, what do you expect.

going to DT at LS tomorrow night. Kinda excited. Knut der Eisbaer... aww. anyway. can't breathe, my nose is so stuffed up. getting hit on by a junior... it's quite entertaining, i must say. not much else new... life's actually ok for once. =] aside from not being able to see Trainspotting. ah well.

i deleted [almost] all my old bookmarks to people's SM's. it's really depressing. it's just so final... but i know they're never coming back. what's the point of keeping the link and the hope they won't leave? me and k left of the old crowd. and i, of course. =] but still... it's rather lonely. i dunno if i can make myself keep posting. too many memories. but i don't wanna leave either... i'll have to think about it. mya, rip.

everyone's leaving. the old crowd is gone... soon, it'll be just me, myself and I here. sad. and I'm never here either... people move on. as we get older, we've gotten much more secretive, less trusting. more likely to turn and run, or turn and stab each other in the back. is this what being a teenager is all about?

i guess i do cast well, huh? well whatever the story is with them, it keeps me from having to make a decision about him. good enough, i guess. my keys are sticking. but anyway. they came today and took the tree away and took two more down. now i'm looking for guitar music and packing for camp. yeah. it's a hoot. but i have to ask... if you did run away, would you let me know? granted i'd find out soon enough on my own. would you let me come? not that there's really hell to avoid right now, since i'm leaving on Sunday for six or so days. [kinda excited about that...] but it might be fun... and besides, where would you go? there, here, it's all the same. no place to go. nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape whatever you ran from. small towns are like that. and btw, Hobby Lobby online looks like Michaels or anything else... is it really that bizarre there? i wasn't picturing retail-chain craft stores, more of a side-of-the-road, sketchy place... oh, and of course, now that i'm not working anymore, i've been considering CB more as not that bad... but of course, i won't see him until next summer. if at all. and by then.. well. who can say? ah, whatever. i'm just not cut out for this guy thing. going for a run now. yay.

hahaaa. today was interesring. 1. two of my girls tried to name me charlie. ahaha. u ready for this, kel? i told them "anything but charlie!" they asked me why... i told them i wouldn't tell- it's inappropriate and i'm not going to corrupt little kids. [granted they're not that little, but whatevs.] so C [one of the girls] asked me: "How's Charlie?" i nearly died. it was so funny. 2. i'm a sketch [hence the title] 'cause one of my kids is pretty cute for a twelve or thirteen year old. creepy, i know. haha. 3. CB has moved up a bit. considering i had 19 girls last week offering me ten cents if i asked him out, i've been a little wary of him. M tried to hook me up with him too. she thinks he's cute- and she's MARRIED. but i'd now rank him as considerable b/c he's really good with the kids and he seems really nice. maybe not a great speller (twinckle twinckle little star- smooth.), but nice. 4. ZP-- a twelve year old-- asked me for my number. he wanted to find out what the story was with charlie. i told him a) as an intern i'm not allowed, and b) not impressed. twas quite funny. and tonight i'm going running. =] should be a good day.