Zaraiya's Journal

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  • just this once... please...

    by Zaraiya on December 18, 2008
    i had hopes this time. i was so proud of myself for keeping it a secret. i was so convinced i would actually do it. but i don't think i will after all. it's just not a good idea. what with them and all. what with her hating them all. what with me not wanting to choose a side. 'cause honey, as much as i love you, i do think sometimes you overreact. i do think that, i'll be honest. but at the same time, i almost think you deserve to overreact. i'm making this decision more for her than for me. ...this is a change, right? thinking of others before myself is good, right? if putting them first is good, why does it make me feel so bad? i think i'm seeing a pattern here. as soon as i get my hopes up, as soon as i decide there's something going for me, as soon as i decide there's a chance- something comes up that turns the whole thing on its head. i think there's one person right now that thinks this may end well. the rest, well... "you'd be adorable together! but it would never work." "he'll side with his mom in a minute!" "i've known for two months..." [and i wasn't the one who told you.. and you won't say who it was. but i have a feeling i know.] i dunno. i swear, i'm going to go be a hermit. then i wouldn't have to deal with this. why can't things ever work out? please, just this once, let it work. i always knew i would back out. i always knew. so why did i get myself into it in the first place? and this catharsis would help more if there was another me that could answer these questions, rather than just the me that asks and doesn't know and doesn't want to hear it.
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  • just wondering...

    by Zaraiya on November 25, 2008

    if you're always invisible so you can screen who you want to talk to...

     

    ...does that mean you don't want to talk to me?

    and i have been wondering lately if...

    well, i'm not going to go into it.

    it's just a question i've been asking myself lately.

    the answer is no, if that matters at all.

     

    although, a related question-

    is he just a result of being left out of the loop?

    an inside source, if you will.

     

    or do i just always wonder if i'm going to end up using them? 

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  • ...

    by Zaraiya on November 22, 2008

    are you kidding me?

    i lost an entire entry because i didn't enter a subject.

    wtf.

    aaanyway...

    i reread some of my older entries.

    i'd forgotten about the.. messes... i got myself into last year.

    it's kinda funny in restrospect.

    the current mess will be just as funny in a few months. 

    the question is whether i will be laughing with or at, eh?

    can't wait for tonight, can't wait for tomorrow, can't wait for Friday.

    Can't wait for January.

    Let's skip Christmas and Thanksgiving anf go straight to New Year's.

    I want to be done with waiting <3

     

    and PS to Imogen-

    your email almost made me cry.

    i had no idea i meant that much to you.

    love you too =]

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  • mutual off-limit-ness.

    by Zaraiya on November 13, 2008

    how apropos.

    well, at least possibly mutual, she thinks.

    meh.

    well, even if he doesn't, i'm holding up my side of the pact.
    unless, by that point, i've moved on.

    which isn't unlikely.

    * * * * * * * * 

    ugh.

    my mother is a bitch.

    i can't wait till i move out.

    and the stupidest things, too... 

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  • and yet...

    by Zaraiya on November 07, 2008

    the more you want to get over him, the worse it gets.

    ick.

    he's so off-limits...

    she thought i should have asked him to the dance.
    she thinks i should ask him out.

    i think none of the above.

    and no names necessary, right?
    those who need to know do.

    and she's cool with it, but still...

    i hate my life sometimes.

    so frustrating.

    can't wait to make a fool of myself.
    [like i do every time.]

    1 Comment

  • fwaa.

    by Zaraiya on November 05, 2008

    ugh.

    it's getting so bad.

    it's kinda hard not to though...

    and why's it double-spaced now?

    gr. just shoot me now.

    i wish u had "pulled the trigger" this afternoon on the bus...

    then i'd be able to play dead and avoid this whole mess.

    "and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you" 

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  • o.m.g.

    by Zaraiya on November 02, 2008

    i hate the new sm.

     

    i'm gonna cry.

     

    this sucks. 

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  • October 30, 2008

    by Zaraiya on October 30, 2008
    ugh. such bad kitty. i told her bout *fwaaaa* and after school somebody got random yellow stuff on my mom's cowboy hat i borrowed (it was halloween dress up day at school) and took the strings off it and stole my lizard pin thing. so pissed about the hat. but its my karma for telling her, and for *fwaaa*... and don't ask about the *fwaaa*, you won't get an explanation beyond a nose. a rather large nose. a kinda cute, rather large nose. buut anyway. im prolly being too specific even with that.
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  • October 27, 2008

    by Zaraiya on October 27, 2008
    school is overrated. it's falling into such a pattern. all i want to do is sleep all the time. even music tech is gonna get old. specially since i'm so self-concious of my music now. i'm better than some, but i'll never be really good... i wish i could bring myself to skip class someday. but i know i would have to be super-pissed to do it... or high or something. to do something that stupid... meh. and being left out of the loop just makes me feel like crap. you never tell me anything anymore. not that i tell you anything either... i can't read it, and i bet you don't read this either. it's been this way since you left. and...
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  • October 24, 2008

    by Zaraiya on October 24, 2008
    she doesn't hate me anymore. allright.. that was fast. and my melodies SUCK. i heard Josh's today- MS played it for the whole class- and mine totally suck compared to that. i'm never gonna be able to write that good. damn. and i am in love. with a guy my teacher apparently went to college with. MS looks like he's out of college. but this guy could walk around and fit in at my high school... damn. he's hott. a cross between Gerard Way and GH. yum. and he plays killer piano and he can siiing.. i'm in love. mm. thats pretty much it... party tomorrow, homecoming next week. woot. but dammit i miss GH...
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