i need to talk to my boyfriend. i need some reassurance. oh, but wait, he's not there. and even if he was, he wouldn't have anything to say. so why do i need him so much?

yes. let's. let's get the hell out of here.

weeelll. the 'rents are fighting. i think they still are.. mom ignored dad all last night. dinner was awful. no one said anything, and what little conversation there was was soooo awkward. i don't even know what happened. at school today... hm. depressing note convos with C, what else is new? i can't even explain why i'm so upset. i don't even know. long story short, i think nate is still worried. and really, i'm hardly surprised. i'm a mess. what i am surprised about is that he can deal with me being a mess. aside from being worried about me it doesn't affect him a bit. anyway. we talked about the Holocaust today in german. herr joyce had slides- like real, old-fashioned slides. we're talking 1972 German Olympics here- of pictures he took at concentration camps in Germany. one of them was just a field... it looked so pretty and peaceful. not like what you'd expect a concentration camp to look like. then he said that this was the camp where they'd send people from other camps when they were old or sick or couldn't work anymore. there was nothing provided for the people sent there. no food, no clean water, no place to sleep... just an open field. just a place to die. there were long grassy bumps scattered throughout the field- mass graves. 2500 people, all buried in one long trench and then all covered up. hidden. forgotten. there were pictures of kids from our school, just standing there, crying. pictures of a sculpture outside a partially reconstructed camp, a museum of sorts. the sculpture just screamed pain- you could see twisted bodies, barbed wire, people reaching for each other- but it was just a piece of metal. nothing more, nothing less. i am highly critical of art, not that i have much right to be, but i am- never in my life have i seen anything as moving as that sculpture. never. there were pictures of the inside of one of the reconstucted camp buildings. pictures taken during the Holocaust, pictures of hundreds of people crammed into one little building. pictures of people who were going to die. pictures of the crematorium at the camp. there weren't even that many pictures. just enough to make me want to cry. i almost did. that empty field...it's haunting. picture it. a beautiful, empty field... now fill it with the sick, the hurt, the dying. soldiers. small children. guards. it's raining, no shelter. people screaming in pain. people weeping because their loved ones have died and been haphazardly placed in a mass grave. the cruel laughter of a guard. a gunshot or two. chaos, disorder. just an empty field.... i am going on that exchange. i am paying my respects to people far braver and stronger than me. people that didn't deserve to die. people who should be remembered. "Den Toten zur Ehr. Den Lebenden zur Mahnung." To the dead in honor. To the living, a warning. PS to jacklyn07- after that most depressing entry of mine, something happy. been following your journal off and on for a little while, glad things worked out. :)

possibly the worst thing that could have happened... possibly the best. all i could say was "don't leave me"... i can be so selfish. ...take the "can be" out of that. i am so selfish.

both those long entries definitely deserve a reply. - - - - - - - - first, to Tay- You have never been a burden and never will be. And while it's all well and good to show a strong face and never let anything get you down, it's ok to cry. It reminds people that you're only human. That they're only human. You have never let me down and I don't think you ever will. People aren't perfect- you can't hope to always be everything you wish you were. But Tay, as long as you're being yourself, that's all that matters. And never let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are happy. You are YOU- and no one can EVER change that. We love you for who you are- tears and all. Let 'em flow, girl, and let you shine. xo - - - - - - - - second, to Chloe, cuz i know this will be longer. i don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry we make you feel so awful about this. It's just that we- Eric and I- don't know what to do. We're completely at a loss. It doesn't help to push you to stop, but letting you keep going hurts everyone. So doing nothing is not an option, but neither is doing something. And walking out is worse than either. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to make you see how much you mean to me. I don't know how to make you see that you are beautiful and that I admire you for going through all the shit you've gone through and somehow staying alive. I can't say I admire you for this, but in a rather sick way, I do because it's something I would never have the courage or conviction to do. I don't know how to get you out of here okay without losing you in the process. I would do anything for you. You know that. Just tell me and I will do it... I just need to know how I can help because trying to figure it out on my own has been a losing battle. And I don't know how much longer I can fight. Love you forever. Sisters. - - - - - - - -

i'm an angry person. i never meant to be scary. i'm sorry. i just don't know how to explain myself. i just don't know what to say anymore. self-induced solitary confinement is far better than dealing with people.

dance tonite, Nathan's not going, i just had a really depressing convo with him and a depressinger one with E before that, i feel like shit. storyofmylife.

i'm becoming someone i don't want to be. she said all her friends "fucked her over." and apparently i have. without even realizing it. i'm no better than all those girls i already despised. now i'm one of them. somuchforme.

blah. that's what my email always says... lonely :( ah well... so vaca week is over, practically... monday: shopping with Chloe. bought a fedora :) Chloe slept over. we stayed up until like midnight... and mom told me later she couldn't sleep that night and had been in the next room "reading." reading my ass. she was prolly listening in on our convo... tuesday: was supposed to go skiing.. hung out with Chloe instead. wednesday: nothing remarkable. stayed home, i think... thursday: Nate's birthday. went shopping again, with mom this time. got an FOB poster.

i bought My Heart Will Always Be The B-Side To My Tongue last nite. i