Sunday me and my cousin were just chillin, drinkin and listening to music and i was telling here how i felt about the whole "me and him" thing...she said "love is taking risks and you look fucking miserable without him so go for it and if it doesnt work...then you drop it" I thought about it...my whole drinking rampage was becasue i missed him and i knew i was the reason we werent together. im stilled worried that im holding him back but he keeps swearing that im not...so im going to go with the flow on t his one. besides...i need to stop preaching this "dont be scared" shit when i myself am afraid. No im not scared of death...it seems as though im scared of life.....odd realization...and i almost feel shameful... "I think your most alive in expiriencing death and pain" "does death turn you on??" "why not...life hurts more" -From "The Doors" movie

from my point of view(which doesnt really matter) its a sense of true feeling...which is another thing that puzzles me about society today...so many ppl can just pull a poem out of their ass and they dont even know what it means...and not to mention the fact that half of them will be published within the next 10 years...grrr another thing....acting I DONT GET IT...okay so you put on a mask and get paid for it...yes its a profession but not a form of art...anyone can act as though their someone else...we lern how ot do this in HIGH SCHOOL eh... that is all... im a PROFESSIONAL asshole

meow meow meow quack

okay...heres what me and derrick are doing when we turn 18 (2 fuckin years...jesus)...we're going to get a shitty ass van and use it for transportation to get across the country...we're going to be as close to "hobo" as we can...eat and sleep like them...etc. we want to capture their way of life...if you think about it...their more evolved then most of us...they live off what they absolutly NEED (and sometimes dont even have that) and completly ignore what they want. we plan to write poetry on it and make a documentary....its hard to explain why we're doing this...but i see it as a new type of philosophy waiting to be unchained...these ppl have said "fuck society" they are truly themselves....so we figure we'll hit all the major cities...spend between 1-3 nights there and then move on....it will probably take about 8-10months....you all rpobably think im stoopid...but im just not explaining it right...or maybe im just crazy cant fucking wait

its like...i know im scared but ill never admit it to myself... scared of everything real what am i going to do after high school...ive completly blown off every class except english, history and my electives becasue i like those ones...ive built my life on music and art...my band broke up...cant say i ever expected much out of it though....i have to do something art/music related with my life...i cant live any other way...and it seems like im fucked and im going to have to anyway. Its not like i need a decadent life...i could live in a fucking box and eat top roman for my entire life...but its the fact that my life will be meaningless...my poetry will nevr be read and the childhood im trying to escape will forever huant me because i have nothing better to do i dont want to be a fucking cat lady.

fuck

which means death. I see it this way...lets just say someone is handing out LSD and one person is like "well...i dont want to die!" (ahahaha)...if you were destined to die that night...you will anyways...it doesnt matter what you do or say...you could be really over cuatious and never try anything...youll probably die from some random toaster falling accident(trust me...that shit happens) What im trying to say is...you shouldnt be scared of something dangerous...give it a try...you'll either die if its your time...or live and have an awsome story to tell.

a monument to consumerism... this is the world of high school...we're brainwashed and pre packed to conform. Ill never be able to learn this way...school is a fucking distraction...and you would think thta your parents want "whats best for you" but they dont...they know what WOULD HAVE been good for them when they were our age...but no parent actually knows their child...so how could they know what to do with them? Not to mention the fact that they dont listen...they just wait for their turn to talk and say "your too young...blah" then...(if ppl have parents like mine) they kick your ass for being respectfully opinionated...its as if my dad wants me to be politically stupid. I think they're scared...scared that we'll end up like them...but putting us in cages isnt going to help anything...ever... fuck...i ramble entirely too much.