everyones perception of "good" is different...so who is anyone to say what is and what isnt??...but what is the actual menaing of "good"? Technically there should be one...but because its a state of perception then it cant be law...but "good" is what we have built our laws on....and also how the laws of "good" have changed..which makes it opinion...hopw unjust is it that a man is judged on someone elses opinion???? hmmm yes well...thats enough typing for now....

So i asked Oz out again yesterday. Odd feeling...one part of me was shaking uncontrolably with fear of what could come of all this...the other part was too wrapped up in his eyes and everything about him...euphoric.... so the feelings clashed but that doesnt really matter does it? the point is im taking this step with him...horribly unsure...but we'll just have to see where it goes...and im beginning to be okay with that... i want to hold him and kiss him...too bad we never have time alone! Well im glad im fortunate enough to have a man that understands me(which is alot to ask considering) everything about him puts me in a state of rapture...my soul pushes against his chest...and as my soul is screaming he makes it all okay...makes it all go away for alittle while... i love him

the more i realize that none of this is real...the more bewildered i get....how is it that no one else can see this?? i see it...its perfectly clear...this is all imaginary..the desk is hard becasue we were told it was....the sky is blue and untouchable because thats what we were told to believe...all of it....what if someone wasnt told these things? could they bend anything to their will because they had no prior council on how the world is? think about it...if all you had was your imagination...no conforming parents or teachers...straight from birth....could you MAKE the world as YOU see it? How does no one else realize this? its so damn obvious...it explains the miracles...the insane...religious extremes...take miracles for instance....if someone TRULY believes in miracles can one actually occur?...how many people that dont believe in miracles get one? NONE Or insane ppl...how do we know if their insane...they could jsut see the world in a different way...like how i was explaing it above...or religious extremists...they "see" god because they truly believe in him...so therefore they seem him in whatever light they portray him as...thats why god is different for everyone. I like Dosteovsky's question..."why is 2x2, 4?...common man says...it IS this way....where as those who question say...why?" why is it? why couldnt it be...7 or something? these things were made up by MAN and therefore are something of the imagination that everyone just followed....what if no one did? he would be just another insane man... hmm...i wish i could go to college for philosphy....i would like to study existentilism more...hmmm well...i ahve alot in my head regarding philosphy and how i see things...maybe i should right a book HAHAHAHHAAA...like anyone would read it

I want to take the risk...i really do...but for the first time...i seem to want control...which is weird because im the type that pushes away control...and i dont have control over my mind anymore...IDK im so close to just running up to him and kissing him...i want to feel him against me...our hearts beating at the same furious passionate speed...i want to look him in his beautiful fiery brown eyes...listen to his voice...deep, calming and somewhat surealistic... I dont know....he tells me its okay...that i wont hurt him...and a part of me is like...okay...then lets do it...but the other part is saying ....No..be smart about this...but love isnt smart at all...in fact its the stoopidest, most dangerous thing a person could do...but i love loving him....i know he would never hurt me...i know that loving him doesnt have a price...but what about me? hes the thing i cherish most and i would do anything for his life to be pain free...but what about the pain i could cause?? Its a risk...like alot of things....and i am a risk taker...when it comes to things that could harm me...i would drink until i blacked out...take half a bottle of pills just to see what being numb felt like(not what i expected...cuz i still couldnt get him off my mind...i just couldnt move(sorry i didnt tell you that Oz...i didnt want to scare you)) but when it comes to the possibility of hurting him...my heart feels like cement in my chest...i started crying at the snow for that reason ...i felt sooooo stoopid and weak...then i cried when i got home too...IDK whats gotten into me Oscar, if your reading this...i love you so much...i dont know what to do....please help me(i dont know how you could...so that doesnt really make any sense) This hurts soooo much and i miss you...IDK what to do...what to say...my mind is a fucking battlefield i just dont understand how something so good could hurt so much

okay so here it is... Blues bass...like REAL blues bass....then right at the mid-ending of a bend...slap the string so it makes kinda of like a dull spring noise...IDK im going to try it though... you know what a kool bass line?? "Dont Push" by Sublime....fun to play...most there songs are...but theres a really kick back bass solo on this track and i really like playing it... FUCK i hate being grounded...i want to play my baby!! lol

....i swear...the worst pain you could ever have is the pain you give to yourself....

i feel so bad...yesterday me, Derrick, and Gaermo pulled Oz aside...although it needed to be said...no one likes to be told their flaws by a group of ppl....i care about him so much and seeing that look on his face just about killed me.... Oz...if your reading this...im soooo sorry for all ive put you through....and with every inch of my soul i love you....and i always will no matter what happens...im soo sorry...i wish i could put how i feel in better words...IDK Maybe he wrote about it in his journal....im going to go see........ Goddamn Swan...Goddamn.

so...as ive said...im doing this whole self reflection thing(i hate putting it that way...)...but yesterday i started feeling this odd feeling...kinda of like a deppression but heavier and more curious... do i even know what i want?? its like...i have theperfect idea...but then i start thinking and it changes all the time...im so stoopid. Its like...i had love....right there in my arms and i pushed it away....although im confident in the reasons why i did it....i still feel it...what am i so god damn afraid of? I just cant seem to shake it...i hate it...i act like im fine....like im a rock...nothing bothers me...."go with the flow".....but its so HARD..... everything is dying on the outside of me...im worried the inside will die too...pushing these thoughts out never seem to work anymore...i know its time to face these things...and its so hard to facce them alone...but i know its better off this way...and something i have to do.... it just sux sometimes... and i do have people to confide in...i do and im so thankful, believe me...but you can never tell someone everything...ya know? so im trying to do better in school...cuz hte only way to beat the system is to get through it...im trying to deal with the problems in my "family" as if they dont bother me(cuz i know they wnt change...so dwelling only takes up space :(....) then i have Oscar....the most confusing thing ive ever had to deal with ever....i love him...but im not with him....i need to be alone...then i want someone there....MY GOD its driving me CRAZY.....and we're in a band together(which im glad for and cant wait to see where it goes) i jsut dont have enough time to sort through everything...as soon as i get through something...something else comes along I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im just not sure what to do anymore....and not knowing..being lost and confused scares me more then anything in the world. and thats exactly what i am right now..lost, confused, and afraid. and ill keep telling him everything is alright...

yeah...theres this guy named...Oscar....hes on this site...yeah...this is my equivalent of "bugging" him i suppose.....yes... god damn im lame ^_^

so im sitting here.... nothing really real...nothing really fake. But it doesnt really matter anyway. For the first part i tried so hard...but the key is to not try at all and let the answer come to you....sit back in your mind and let it softly take over. Get completly submissed in its intricite beauty and terror.... i have no idea whats going on...but my senses are so in tune i can feel you breath across the world....one word you utter shouts into my soul and i envelope it and rip it apart until i am satisfied with what it could be...then i spit it back out...changed. Ive never actually looked upon the world so....aware before....i dont miss a thing now...every hint..every whisper...every look within the eyes of the mind...i see it...i feel it...i taste it.... Although i look lost...walking...staring into space...but that doesnt matter...for i am wrapped in the worlds blanket of blind courtesy.... what a grand odd feeling this is too me.