“I just want to touch the sky” -Emily (my 4 year old sister) Somehow that statement made an impact on me…her brain is still hers…no boundries or limits…how I want to be…it amazes me how someone so little can hold the key to life in her hands so innocently…while people like me, who spend our entire lives trying to fully get it…am so far away. I hope she stays that way….but its kind of hard to with her parents… Hmm…just thoughts… I have found that I want to be nothing like the people I admire…and maybe that’s why I admire them…they are what I am not…and sometimes I cant stand them…but THEIR talents and personality are THEIRS and I admire them….for one reason or another…I don’t want to be like them…but the confidence is what I want to obtain…confidence in the world (to trust…etc.) and confidence in me.

i just wrote a hella long entry and it didnt enter it!!!!! i hate that... oh well guess ill try it again. i erased some of my previous entries because they arent me anymore...ive changed and grown so much as a person and i still am got a new book yesterday on existentialism...Kierkegaard...its awsome..im already on page 33!!! although many aspects in my life are...pretty bad right now..i as a person am doing pretty dandy (haha dandy)....i feel confident in the fact that im doing what i need to do and for the first time...im doing it right...goiing somewhere other then in circles :) I know i have my whole life to fill with philosophical theories and ill probably ripp myself apart like 30 times...but i can wait...this journey(although sometimes very painful) is everything i could ever ask for...and im glad i have the balls(well...not real balls...come on now 0_o) to do it. and witht hat being said...if Derrick doesnt feel im on his level...thats okay because i have a level of my own and im comfotable in it...and im not going to try to speed up what im doing for "his level" ( not even sure what that is) im content....on shakey ground...but content And as always i wish for..... Freedom of the mind & Truth in the world (ill explain another time...i want to read my book!)

if anyone (other then Oz. lol) reads my pathetic little journal....you should go read this chicks...although she likes falloutboy (gag) i really like her journals(the 5 or so i read)..not sure why... anyways..here is here name thing "RosesAtSunset" SHA-POW!!!!!

i really hope we get to work on music soon. I love the band im in...me and Oz's music chemistry(and our other chemistry aswell :) ) is fuckin' perfect. Im glad because hes not a limited person or musician and is always willing to try new thrings. hahaha i just read his journal...thanks for the compliments if your reading this Oz. i too think youre an amazing musician...not just because of skills and quickness but because of your unique signature and ideas you have....thinking outside the box. lol hopefully soon! im gonna have him over like...sat AND sun. as soon as i can. lol MUSIC UP THE ASS!!!! ^_^

The world itself has...a poetry...it speaks.... And helping people...just to see their faces, is the best thing in the world. I want to make a difference to people...the ones who think "life sux" ...because no matter how hard it is...its beautiful because its the only honest and real thing you dont have to worry about. Life will never lie to you.

so i talked to Derrick about how i feel about him blowing me off all of a sudden...and of course...he pulled another excuse out of his ass i used to admire him....he was this awsome...philosophical...educated guy...and now he seems to have a mask for every situation... but i guess theres nothing i can do because he wasnt listening to me.... a big part of me is very upset...but life is beautiful and the sun is shinning...and im not going go let the twisted side kill that i want to shake Derrick and yell "do you think im that stoopid? why wont you be real with me? iwas real with you..." but that wont do anything...it just goes to show that nothing is what it seems and maybe you shouldnt put your trust and faith into some people... i wish he could read this because i couldnt quite get my words out at break...but then again..what good would it do... BUT...aside from that...i feel the wind with all its beauty flow thru my spirit...giving me peace...the world is truely beautiful....and ive been ignoring it for so long... im going to go outside and look at it

vicadin SUX on an empty stomache and 4hrs of sleep.... i feel fucking horrible...i feel like i have no control of my arms an legs (like muscle relaxer statis) and i feel like throwing up...BAD TIMES AND i have choir tonight...bitch bitch BITCH ahahahaa....im calling my choir thing "it" when i talk about it with my friends so that Oz. doesnt know what im talking about...just to fuck with him alittle...lol...this is why...you see...Gaermo said Oz should come cuz ill be in my dress and shit and i was NOOOOOO!!! id be embarresssed as fuck...but gaermo said hes going to try to get him to go because ill be embarressed...so im trying not to mention it cuz i think gaermo forgot....also Oz doesnt know what im talking about and its kinda funny lol AND by the time he reads it my choir thing will probably be over....aahahahha...good times ^_^

fuck... Oz. ....you make me crazy....your journal entry sent me into this state of mind...IDK how to put into words....i cant stop smiling...euphoria isnt even a big enough world...its like...my entire body is smiling..... its teh same with me....i wake up...stumble out of bed(on the days that i sleep lol) and immediatly your on my mind....in the shower, when im doing my makeup...walking to the bus...then when i go to my class and read your letter and anticipate the bell ringing just so i can see you again...feel you...then i wait and wait for VP...the last period of the day is the worst...when im not with you...your with me in my mind...then i get home and think about you(especially when we cant talk on the phone)...then right before bed...i think about you more then anyother time...everything about you....it calms me and puts me to sleep...then the cycle repeats itself everyday...baby, i never thought i would feel this way....but its the greatest feeling ive ever felt... there just arent enough words... i want to just kiss you and kiss you again in VP...i might...lol My god baby...you have my heart pumping in your hands...pumping FOR you...I love you...

ahahaha britney spears shaved her fucking head!!! NOW people should realize what money, fame, and silicone can do to the brain Our fuckin music scene is a facist, over run, greedy network of spies, slaves, and slimfast junkies... An yet everyone will still buy their shit and wear their clothes...makes me sick... "i love that song"...eh yeah sure you do...cuz you do know they didnt even write their own shit...its prepacked emotions ...life and lies in a goddamn bottle...on sale today! just give your soul goddamn pop culture

its weird...thru this whole "self" thing ive come to look at people differently....like my dad...i never even want to be around him anymore...cuz i know hes just a scared little boy who likes to show off to give him the comfort of being liked by people...he tries to act so strong and tough...but hes weak and hypocritical.. fuck...that sounds harsh. then theres Derrick...i used to almost look up to him in a way...we had so many simalarities and now...IDK...he almost seems fake to me...(which is the most confusing thing to me...) like...he spends alot of time reading like i do...and says hes doing almost the same thing as me...but theres no changes...like...hes not looking at himself at all....and hes almost avoiding me sometimes because i think he knows whats happening and knows that i can see it...IDK it kinda sux that i dont see people the same way i used too...but im glad because i see the truth... so i have my dad, derrick and sarah pretty much figured out ( to the extent that i can...im not god lol)...i like to study people...and now im moving on to gaermo and oz. i know alot with gaermo already...but oz....IDK why hes so hard to figure out...like...i know alot...but i also know theres more...maybe its because i know hes my boyfriend and i dont want to......trespass on his privacy...IDK im alittle confused...but fuck it (hahha i said butt fuck)