lol yeah... man...i have music ideas up the ass!!!!! its crazy!!! oh- and Oz...regarding your entry titled "thoughts" ...its good to think of those things sometimes....just dont get lost in them like i do. ^_^

first...with Oz...everything about him...oh my god i love him. I never thought i would ever truely open myself to this...and thats the thing...i didnt do it...he did...he opened my eyes and "saved my soul" from the depths of this wall i had made...im so lucky to have found him...when he holds me close i dont want to leave...i want to stay in this beautiful world hes created... god...words will never be enough to describe this... ah yes...then the other shit that fills my head...(yay...?) my mother...how am i supposed to get over her not being in my life if she just keeps popping in and out of it to tease me again and again....she asked to see me on Mon...i said i couldnt....and i havent heard from her since...maybe i should have said yes...but everytime i do it turns to shit...i thought i didnt care anymore...i really did...but i guess i still have that stoopid problem of locking certain things up for awhile....then they resurface 10x worse....damn...and i thought i had learned my lesson. so was i just being paranoid and untrusting...or...smart when i said no? and of course..philosophy....the questions i had in teh beginning have gotten deeper and deeper with each answer...im in so deep right now...i feel insane...trapped in a room...a small suffocating room...with nothing but questions surrounding me. and i cant even word them right to say them outloud....thats not very helpful. lol whats been getting me latly is how people act... take my dad...he "studies" the toltecs (aztec philosophers that believe in the preservation of your energy and self...and that you contribute it to a "higher being" as in..."we are all one")...now in that mind set(which i have studied) because you are all one being...one energy...yelling, hitting, and doing things that are harmful to your body...hurts everyones energy...so in that mind set....you preserve your anger, fear...etc. because it is harmful to all....my dad is always sayiong how much he believes in it...and what does he do all the time? yell, hit, and inject toxic things into himself...doesnt really fit. so what i want to know is how thte mind process works...i dont doubt that he believes it...but he doesnt act on it...so ....why? cuz everyone is different...and i want to figure out what and why they are. eh...not like it really matters...im just curious.

till the bell rings.... i just have to say how much im thankful for you Oz...if i didnt have you in my life...I dont even know where id be...you are my hope and my strength when i want to give up... so thank you.

damn....my baby is the best man ever....i fucking love him. to know that to him makes me feel really confident in that moment....OMG...and what he does to me...jeezus...its insane...he doesnt even have to do that much for me to be weak at the knees and turned on to such a high level...its sooo crazy...i mean, trust me...i totally have my share of nervousness and such about that situation...things can either go really good...or really awkward...but i figure we'll just get completly rapt in eachother and it will go however its supposed to go... hmmm...thinking about it gives me chills.... damn....got called into the office...bitch.

my dad sux. no need to explain...ill just get angry. i seriously need to stop getting my hopes up about him. I suck

its been so good with Oz latly...like...a different good....i love him so much...he has tought me so much....hes shown me that i dont have to hide form the things i love and that everything will eventually be okay...at first i was scared about my wall shattering...but im so glad i let him in. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cant even explain it....and i cant wait to take that next step with him...its funny....the last time i did that it totally didnt work out and ever sense that ive been sooo scared about it...like.."what if that happens again?"...but when i think about me and Oz...that goes away...and thats how i know i completly trust him. i love him so much...i honestly feel that hes the one im supposed to be with in my life...i cant see myself with anyone else....i never thought i would feel this way.... No matter whta happens, it will be okay because i have my baby by my side

I love my baby so much. I wish we had more time to express ourselves...but parents and school get in the way...but i suppose when its meant to happen it will...but its driving me crazy trying to contain myself. Today he gave me a letter that reminded me to look at the beautiful things aswell as what else is going on...i really appreciate that. Although there is alot going on in my mind...i cant let it swallow me and sometimes i need to be reminded. Man...there is sooo much going on right now...between my dads actions and me trying to understand the reasons rather hten being hurt by it(because i know he has a reason for his somewhat insanity....and it saddens me that he wont open up to me...or maybe he doesnt even know the reason all the way...hmmmm)...my stepmom(who makes EVERTHING worse because she has absolutly no compassion...but i cant really blame her....shes never really needed it)....trying to teach my brother that ppl do care and the world isnt always as bad as it is at home...then cooking and cleaning and parenting my sister....then the real stuff starts...the stuff inside of my mind...there are no words to explain it...there really isnt...its crazy in there...hmmm then theres Derrick...the ever confusing man...i worry somethimes thta he trys to be something else.....i know hes trying to find himself...but sometimes his compassion seem like an act....im not saying he needs to have compassion up the ass...but he does need to be honest about who he is...hes one of my closest friends and i just want to make sure hes happy. then theres Oz...ive been somewhat looking into him....but the problem is when i ask him deeper questions...he gives me a surface answer...IDK...i suppose thats okay...i just want to see more of what he hides from everyone...it seems as though he has this...concrete exterior...a smooth surface...always the same pace...same direction...same emotion...calm...and there isnt anything wrong with that (in fact i kind of admire it at times)...i jsut want to find whats under it....maybe it jsut hasnt been looked at in a long time...even by himself... Hmmm....i want to go outside.....

hmmm...its amazing how the alcohol is having such and effect on my stomache...bleh so...got back with Oz...again...lol On Saturday we went to the park....there was this...energy....unlike that Thurs.( which was grand aswell...but this was different...)...its was beyond physical...WAY beyond....its like....we werent even people anymore...just souls...melting beautifully into one being.... IDK...kissing him puts me at peace....like...it takes me away from all of the bullshit...and laying with him after was probably the most content moment in my life...so tranquil. Hmmm....this is going to be embarresssing to say cuz i know Oz is probably reading...but...eh...whatever... I want him to touch me where he hasnt before....i want to feel his hands on me....because i trust him...and i want to share that closeness...IDK...im too embarressed to say more on this subject. ...moving on. ....someone asked me to cheat on Oz. yesterday :(...i said "fuck you" ...but this feeling of sadness is still there...not sure why...i would NEVER cheat on OZ...NEVER...but the thought that its all possible hurts...i cant believe that asshole. i wanted to fucking kill him....as of course...im generally emapathetic towards others...but this?...Oh hell no...if that guy talks to me again...ill fuckin do...something. i want to kiss my baby...just a quick kiss on the lips...like that day in the park when we were laying in the grass...i loved that sooooo much.

damn it...i cant remember your yahoo s/n and i really want to talk to you. its like 8am and im still up from last night...not so drunk anymore though...but im afraid that if i sleep ill have a mean ass hangover...so NO SLEEP lol I miss Oz. Its crazy....for some reason today hes in my head alot (well..he always is...but you know what i mean) I wish i could talk to him... :(

Im perfefctly aware of my flaws and im working on them...but shit like this cant be rushed... He talked to Sarina...she told me he wants to help me trust people more I asked her how he planned to do so She said he planned to somewhat blow me off....like...abandon me and then be like...See? im back...what have you learned? i was so angry i wanted to cry Everything i trust turns to shit I decided to talk to him...actually mroe like yell I did He looked unsure...almost hurt...he had a look in his eyes ive never seen before that he actually cared for that moment then he looked away... We talked..and walked...i think we have it pretty much sorted through He says he wants to help me trust I said if he wants me to trust then trust in return... He said he does Not sure if i believe him...but only time will tell Not sure what im feelin' ....bitterly confused I know it all came from the right place in his heart...and hes just confused and wont admit it I understand...i do it too.