Spank

For me this song is about someone who is disassociating from the world, they're having trouble coping mentally so they're just pushing away the emotions they don't want to deal with.

"Oh no, this isn't real" -- backing away from reality "Probably better not to try to wake up 'Cause it feeds it, yeah, keeps it alive" -- better to numb yourself than "wake up" it just makes the negative emotions stronger

I don't remember the first time But I think I'll survive Probably better not to try to wake up because it feeds it 'gain keeps it alive

There're specific things That I have to do Day to day just to keep it at bay You wouldn't believe if you knew

(TOM: Oh no, this isn't real x2)

He doesn't know the secret He is the best part This is going to take me Right back to the start If I can keep it If it set in mind Wait until it sets Come try a second time

I don't remember the first time, But I think I'll survive Probably better not to try to wake up because it feeds it 'gain keeps it alive

(TOM: Oh no, this isn't real) (ALISSA: Yeah)

He doesn't know the secret He is the best part This is going to take me Right back to the start If I can keep it If it set in mind Wait until it sets Come try it a second time

I can feel it move Up into my head It is in the room Panic in my head I feel it coming on Taking over you Oh please not tonight There's nothing I can do

This is bigger than me This is in my fear This is pitiful I just disappear Swears are falling from me Swallow up inside ? would make this subside

I can barely handle I can pass the time Staring through the curtains Up into the sky Where there is no Depth perception Keep preoccupied Self deception Nobody recognizes It doesn't have a name My brother is infected He's acting just the same Screaming like a siren Up and down the hall He just wants to stop it He wants to end it all

I am just a child I am nothing more Than the basic functions I am running from I could run a mile My distortion Everything is Disproportioned

? All is back again Everything is closer More is just the same And I can hear it It's rewind? I will just forget this 'Til next time

I don't remember the first time But I think I'll survive Probably better not to try again 'Cause it feeds it, yeah, keeps it alive

There're specific things that I have to do Day to day just to keep it at bay You wouldn't believe if you knew

(Oh no, this isn't real)

(Oh no, this isn't real) Here a little secret Here's the best part This is gonna take me Right back to the start If I can keep it If it's set in mind Wait until it settles Come join a second time

I don't remember the first time But I think I'll survive Probably better not to try to wake up 'Cause it feeds it, yeah, keeps it alive

(Oh no, (no) this isn't real) (Hmm)

Here's a little secret Here's the best part This is gonna take me Right back to the start If I can keep it If it's set in mind Wait until it settles Come join a second time

I can feel it move Up into my head It is in the room Panicking in bed I feel it coming on Taking over you Oh, please, not tonight There's nothing I can do

This is bigger than me This is in my fear This is pedophilia I just disappear Swears are falling from me Swallowed up inside Sailed it as if it Would make this subside

I can barely handle I can pass the time Staring through the curtains Up into the sky Where there is no Depth perception Keep preoccupied Self deception

Nobody recognizes It doesn't have a name My brother is infected He's acting just the same Screaming like a siren Up and down the hall He just wants to stop it He wants to end it all

I am just a child I am nothing more Than the basic functions I am running from I could run a mile My distortion Everything is Disproportioned

Suddenly a break All is back again Everything is closer More or less the same And I can hear it It's real and wild I will just forget this 'Til next time

-This is one of my favorite songs and I feel like what I hear is exactly what I would write if I were writing a song about withdrawal, therefore, I'm putting down the lyrics as I hear them, pertaining to opiate withdrawal:

I don't remember the first time but I think I survived Probably better not to try to wake up Cuz it feeds again Keeps it alive

There are specific things That I have to do Day to day, just to keep it at bay You wouldn't believe if you knew

(oh, no, this isn't real)

Here's a little secret Here's the best part This is gonna take me, right back to the start If I can cure it If its set in mind Wait until it settles Come down a second time

I don't remember the first time but I think I survived Probably better not to try to wake up Cuz it feeds again Keeps it alive

(oh, no, this isn't real)

Here's a little secret Here's the best part This is gonna take me Right back to the start If I can cure it If its set in mind Wait until it settles Come down a second time

I can feel it loom Up into my head It is in the room I'm panicking in bed I feel it coming on Taking overview Oh please, not tonight There's nothing I can do

This is bigger than me This is in my fear This is pitiful I just disappear Swears falling from me Swallowed up inside Sell my senses if it Would make this subside

I can barely handle I can pass the time Staring through the curtains Up into the sky Where there is no depth perception Keep me occupied Self-deception

Nobody recognizes It doesn't have a name My brother is infected He's acting just the same Screaming like a siren Up and down the halls He just wants to stop it He wants to end it all

I am just a child I am nothing more Than the basic functions I am running from I could run a mile My distortion Everything is Disproportioned

I think this song is about getting spanked.

Maybe I'm going too dark or too literal (from the pedophilia line), but I'm interpreting it as a family ripped apart by incest and molestation. The family and society denies/ignores it, the brother/abuser is guilty and hates himself but does it anyway, and the narrator is left hopeless and just trying to survive until the next time...

Sort of a joykill, haha. But could be wrong.

I was listening to it with Amazon's lyrics scrolling and the second half just struck me in the gut, even though I've listened to this song for years without catching the lyrics. Reminds me of "May Flowers" by Cursive.

This is insanely long and drawn out, you've been warned. Blame my insomnia.

A girl whose severe body dysmorphia is causing the gradual decay of her relationship.

Bear with me...as someone going through it herself, it's difficult to hold onto a relationship through the storm of shit in your own brain. It's near impossible to enjoy being close to someone, whether that's sexually or platonically, when you're always fighting the voice in your head that says you're physically repulsive. When you flinch if they touch the wrong spot. When you work so hard to block it out only to have one incidental view of your reflection bring it right back to front and center. When a stray glance is twisted into a scrutinizing stare. When you can't let them look at you too long or too hard or too fully. Cover up, where's the blanket, turn around, turn the light off, turn the music up, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.

It's exhausting for the other person. It's not fair.

Throw in an eating disorder and you have a permanent threesome partner along for every ride.

"I don't remember the first time,"

needing to be heavily intoxicated to cross that line.

"There's specific things That I have to do Day to day just to keep it at bay You wouldn't believe if you knew"

The routine of a disorder. The rules. Alternatively the things she does and tells herself to try to get through the thoughts. The constant battle to control it so she can be good for them and actually enjoy what should be easy.

"He doesn't know the secret Here is the best part This is going to take me Right back to the start"

Seemingly safe gestures aren't safe. Good intentions aren't enough. Just looking deep into her eyes or having arms wrapped around her waist at the wrong spot or the wrong time could be enough to set her off. All of a sudden unable to stop feeling uncomfortable. Lots of pulling away and putting on the brakes and starting over...

"If I can keep it If it set in mind Wait until it sets Come try it a second time"

The inner pep talk she gives herself every time that happens. A promise that it'll be better next time, she'll feel better, she'll work on it, it's not you, give me a little time, next time, next time.

"I can feel it move Up into my head It is in the room Panic in the bed

I feel it coming on Taking over you Oh, please not tonight There's nothing I can do"

Recognizing the signs, knowing what's happening, knowing it's her own mind, but still being helpless to stop it. Frustration and anger and tension filling the room, changing the atmosphere in less than a minute.

"This is bigger than me This is in my fear This is pitiful I just disappear

Swears are falling from me Swallow up inside ? Won't make this subside"

Trying to explain herself, why it's so hard, why it can't be fixed by another person, even someone she loves. It's become a part of her. It probably won't ever truly be gone. Hating herself for it. Feeling like the other person deserves more, deserves normal. Wanting to be alone so she doesn't have to think about it anymore, or burden anyone else when she inevitably does.

"I can barely handle I can pass the time Staring through the curtains Up into the sky

Where there is no depth perception Keep preoccupied self-deception"

Disassociating, like someone mentioned in a previous comment. Isolating. Disconnecting. Avoiding more potential disappointment and resentment and sadness by refusing to face the problem head on. Running from the anxiety. Distracting from self-reflection. Hiding from the mirror of another persons' eyes. Wishing for solace from the constant thoughts and patterns. Escaping to a temporary moment of peace.

"Nobody recognizes It doesn't have a name My brother is infected He's acting just the same

Screaming like a siren Up and down the hall He just wants to stop it He wants to end it all"

These things are intangible, ambiguous, and so they go untended and untamed until they ruin you. You're trapped in your own mind while the world still rushes all around you, expecting you to keep up, to hold your end. This is the raw, painful crying in the middle of the night, the desparate praying for something to change. the same praying that turns into begging, but instead of begging for a change, you're begging for an end.

"I am just a child I am nothing more Than the basic functions I am running from

I could run a mile My distortion Everything is Disproportioned"

So far you could say this is all grasping at straws and filling in the blanks. But these lines are such a clear description of living with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia that I can't see it any other way.

"All is back again Everything is closer More is just the same And I can hear it It's rewind I will just forget this 'Til next time"

I'm not sure if these lyrics are even correct, but the general vibe I get from them is resignment. Giving in. It's a pretty depressing way to end the song, but honestly, that's usually how this kind of story goes. You freak out, you ignore, you move on, you wait for it to happen again.