This is insanely long and drawn out, you've been warned. Blame my insomnia.
A girl whose severe body dysmorphia is causing the gradual decay of her relationship.
Bear with me...as someone going through it herself, it's difficult to hold onto a relationship through the storm of shit in your own brain. It's near impossible to enjoy being close to someone, whether that's sexually or platonically, when you're always fighting the voice in your head that says you're physically repulsive. When you flinch if they touch the wrong spot. When you work so hard to block it out only to have one incidental view of your reflection bring it right back to front and center. When a stray glance is twisted into a scrutinizing stare. When you can't let them look at you too long or too hard or too fully. Cover up, where's the blanket, turn around, turn the light off, turn the music up, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.
It's exhausting for the other person. It's not fair.
Throw in an eating disorder and you have a permanent threesome partner along for every ride.
"I don't remember the first time,"
needing to be heavily intoxicated to cross that line.
"There's specific things
That I have to do
Day to day just to keep it at bay
You wouldn't believe if you knew"
The routine of a disorder. The rules. Alternatively the things she does and tells herself to try to get through the thoughts. The constant battle to control it so she can be good for them and actually enjoy what should be easy.
"He doesn't know the secret
Here is the best part
This is going to take me
Right back to the start"
Seemingly safe gestures aren't safe. Good intentions aren't enough. Just looking deep into her eyes or having arms wrapped around her waist at the wrong spot or the wrong time could be enough to set her off. All of a sudden unable to stop feeling uncomfortable. Lots of pulling away and putting on the brakes and starting over...
"If I can keep it
If it set in mind
Wait until it sets
Come try it a second time"
The inner pep talk she gives herself every time that happens. A promise that it'll be better next time, she'll feel better, she'll work on it, it's not you, give me a little time, next time, next time.
"I can feel it move
Up into my head
It is in the room
Panic in the bed
I feel it coming on
Taking over you
Oh, please not tonight
There's nothing I can do"
Recognizing the signs, knowing what's happening, knowing it's her own mind, but still being helpless to stop it. Frustration and anger and tension filling the room, changing the atmosphere in less than a minute.
"This is bigger than me
This is in my fear
This is pitiful
I just disappear
Swears are falling from me
Swallow up inside
?
Won't make this subside"
Trying to explain herself, why it's so hard, why it can't be fixed by another person, even someone she loves. It's become a part of her. It probably won't ever truly be gone. Hating herself for it. Feeling like the other person deserves more, deserves normal. Wanting to be alone so she doesn't have to think about it anymore, or burden anyone else when she inevitably does.
"I can barely handle
I can pass the time
Staring through the curtains
Up into the sky
Where there is no
depth perception
Keep preoccupied
self-deception"
Disassociating, like someone mentioned in a previous comment. Isolating. Disconnecting. Avoiding more potential disappointment and resentment and sadness by refusing to face the problem head on. Running from the anxiety. Distracting from self-reflection. Hiding from the mirror of another persons' eyes. Wishing for solace from the constant thoughts and patterns. Escaping to a temporary moment of peace.
"Nobody recognizes
It doesn't have a name
My brother is infected
He's acting just the same
Screaming like a siren
Up and down the hall
He just wants to stop it
He wants to end it all"
These things are intangible, ambiguous, and so they go untended and untamed until they ruin you. You're trapped in your own mind while the world still rushes all around you, expecting you to keep up, to hold your end. This is the raw, painful crying in the middle of the night, the desparate praying for something to change. the same praying that turns into begging, but instead of begging for a change, you're begging for an end.
"I am just a child
I am nothing more
Than the basic functions
I am running from
I could run a mile
My distortion
Everything is
Disproportioned"
So far you could say this is all grasping at straws and filling in the blanks. But these lines are such a clear description of living with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia that I can't see it any other way.
"All is back again
Everything is closer
More is just the same
And I can hear it
It's rewind
I will just forget this
'Til next time"
I'm not sure if these lyrics are even correct, but the general vibe I get from them is resignment. Giving in. It's a pretty depressing way to end the song, but honestly, that's usually how this kind of story goes. You freak out, you ignore, you move on, you wait for it to happen again.
This is insanely long and drawn out, you've been warned. Blame my insomnia.
A girl whose severe body dysmorphia is causing the gradual decay of her relationship.
Bear with me...as someone going through it herself, it's difficult to hold onto a relationship through the storm of shit in your own brain. It's near impossible to enjoy being close to someone, whether that's sexually or platonically, when you're always fighting the voice in your head that says you're physically repulsive. When you flinch if they touch the wrong spot. When you work so hard to block it out only to have one incidental view of your reflection bring it right back to front and center. When a stray glance is twisted into a scrutinizing stare. When you can't let them look at you too long or too hard or too fully. Cover up, where's the blanket, turn around, turn the light off, turn the music up, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.
It's exhausting for the other person. It's not fair.
Throw in an eating disorder and you have a permanent threesome partner along for every ride.
"I don't remember the first time,"
needing to be heavily intoxicated to cross that line.
"There's specific things That I have to do Day to day just to keep it at bay You wouldn't believe if you knew"
The routine of a disorder. The rules. Alternatively the things she does and tells herself to try to get through the thoughts. The constant battle to control it so she can be good for them and actually enjoy what should be easy.
"He doesn't know the secret Here is the best part This is going to take me Right back to the start"
Seemingly safe gestures aren't safe. Good intentions aren't enough. Just looking deep into her eyes or having arms wrapped around her waist at the wrong spot or the wrong time could be enough to set her off. All of a sudden unable to stop feeling uncomfortable. Lots of pulling away and putting on the brakes and starting over...
"If I can keep it If it set in mind Wait until it sets Come try it a second time"
The inner pep talk she gives herself every time that happens. A promise that it'll be better next time, she'll feel better, she'll work on it, it's not you, give me a little time, next time, next time.
"I can feel it move Up into my head It is in the room Panic in the bed
I feel it coming on Taking over you Oh, please not tonight There's nothing I can do"
Recognizing the signs, knowing what's happening, knowing it's her own mind, but still being helpless to stop it. Frustration and anger and tension filling the room, changing the atmosphere in less than a minute.
"This is bigger than me This is in my fear This is pitiful I just disappear
Swears are falling from me Swallow up inside ? Won't make this subside"
Trying to explain herself, why it's so hard, why it can't be fixed by another person, even someone she loves. It's become a part of her. It probably won't ever truly be gone. Hating herself for it. Feeling like the other person deserves more, deserves normal. Wanting to be alone so she doesn't have to think about it anymore, or burden anyone else when she inevitably does.
"I can barely handle I can pass the time Staring through the curtains Up into the sky
Where there is no depth perception Keep preoccupied self-deception"
Disassociating, like someone mentioned in a previous comment. Isolating. Disconnecting. Avoiding more potential disappointment and resentment and sadness by refusing to face the problem head on. Running from the anxiety. Distracting from self-reflection. Hiding from the mirror of another persons' eyes. Wishing for solace from the constant thoughts and patterns. Escaping to a temporary moment of peace.
"Nobody recognizes It doesn't have a name My brother is infected He's acting just the same
Screaming like a siren Up and down the hall He just wants to stop it He wants to end it all"
These things are intangible, ambiguous, and so they go untended and untamed until they ruin you. You're trapped in your own mind while the world still rushes all around you, expecting you to keep up, to hold your end. This is the raw, painful crying in the middle of the night, the desparate praying for something to change. the same praying that turns into begging, but instead of begging for a change, you're begging for an end.
"I am just a child I am nothing more Than the basic functions I am running from
I could run a mile My distortion Everything is Disproportioned"
So far you could say this is all grasping at straws and filling in the blanks. But these lines are such a clear description of living with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia that I can't see it any other way.
"All is back again Everything is closer More is just the same And I can hear it It's rewind I will just forget this 'Til next time"
I'm not sure if these lyrics are even correct, but the general vibe I get from them is resignment. Giving in. It's a pretty depressing way to end the song, but honestly, that's usually how this kind of story goes. You freak out, you ignore, you move on, you wait for it to happen again.