Is it the last day of June already? Jeez! Soon it'll be July! Soon i'll be old :( i dunno. I just feel a bit weird about being an official adult. I'm not good at anything so the next few years are gonna be weird. I guess i'm looking forward to doing some stuff by myself. I mean, mum can get real cranky. For one, today she ate three bananas. She's kinda ill. I had a period where i would eat nothing but bananas. I loved them! And she was moaning at me that i gotta eat other stuff and that i'm eating too many bananas due to the potassium. Then she goes and does that and i'm like "well, you better watch your potassium huh" and she's all like "mleh mleh, at least i'm not stupid and i eat and mleh mleh" yet who was glad not so long ago that it'd been 5 hours before she ate breakfast? I do not understand her and she doesn't help that i don't. Oh well. I'm tired. Slept ok though. It was weird. I woke up yesterday and my legs just looked really nice! Now really, i'm only a fan of my knobbly knees lol but they just looked awesome! The look dreadful today though but i just though i'd bring it up as i'm running out of subjects. Guess i'll go now.

Hailstones?! In June??!!!! Yep, it was so. Yesterday's weather was so awesome!!!! It was raining, thunder and lightning -- i'm sure if my window would have been open i'd have been fizzled for sure! Speaking of fizzled, i'm alive!!! I survived the heatwave! It was so fucking hot it was stupid. I guess you deserve an update on my situation huh? Or if you prefer your sanity look away now :) Well, at this moment, right now, i love him to death! Yesterday i was looking at his picture and it just felt like a warm blanket of feelings was gently placed over me. I just do. I love you! I can only say it here. I can't say it to him. I kinda almost did once and i felt so bad saying it. I felt embarrassed and stupid. I guess he just knows me well :) Though he doesn't know why i cry myself to sleep every night... It's upsetting. I never want to let him go. I don't actually mean let him go though, if you're wondering; he's too far away to hold :'( i mean i don't want to say goodnight. I don't wanna stop talking to him. Ever. I love talking to him. I really do. Saying this now he'll probably say something that'll make me sad and it'll be the end of the world but we'll sort it out. I still have some questions that i need to ask him. I only think of them after i say goodnight to him, as i have the whole morning to myself and i just... think. He just makes things so much easier. He brightens up everything :) Ok i'm done now lol. I'll probably update properly before bed a bit later so ta-ta for now!

Booooooooooooorrrrreeeeddddd.

I really could have done with coming here yesterday. But it wasn't working. So what i do instead?? I think! Stupid. Grrr... I thought about a few things. One being some friends i've lost along the way. You know, people that just go... *poof*... I would name them all but they might read this and come after me :D some i miss, some i wish i could miss. Some i loved dearly :( It's strange how any stranger can make such a large impact on your life, then they just go. Whether you lost contact or you had an argument or you broke up or whatever. It really puts into perspective who you do have and love. Not that they don't already mean the world to me. We're supposed to be having a heatwave. Well i'm ok for a minute so it must be safe. Well if you don't hear from me again you know that there definitely was a heatwave and i was an unlucky fizzler. So far this morning's been ok. Yesterday was a disaster though. I even went back to sleep! My head was not on this planet, i was somewhere way else. And i only cried yesterday, i didn't sob like i said i would. I don't like crying anymore. I should only cry when something happens. Now i feel like i'm holding my breath because of all this and i don't think there's any need to as things like this don't usually work for me. But I feel guilty for feeling like i do, for hoping that i could still have a chance in this. And I don't want to make him feel unhappy with anything. Maybe i'm just letting it all out now so if it does happen i won't cry then? I don't know. Of course i'll cry if it happens. It'll be the one of the worst days of my life! But what could i do or say about it? There would be nothing TO say. Anything said would feel like a nail in my coffin, and i've felt a few of those! But i dunno... Gotta wait and see. "It's time to call your emotions round and drink tea with the ones you like least. Surely you can agree on something" - Scott Matthews

I wish i could go back to sleep. I'm so tired it hurts. But if i did i wouldn't wake up till this evening. I only woke up once, maybe? Got me six hours, not bad :) There've been some funny memories while i'm tired. Hmm, i remember once i tried to text my unbiological big bro before i slept. It was about footy, his team lost i think, can't remember if they did or not. And apparently his club were gonna be sold and blah blah. There's me trying to text him and i'm just the living dead, can't believe i'm still holding my phone. Next thing i know i woke up 15 minutes later, phone still in my hand with a half-finished text and i started again. After a while i just looked at it. It looked... weird. So i saved it and went back to sleep. When i looked the next morning, the message i almost sent him was: "So. i heard you've almost selling back me" Where the fuck did that come from lol. And another one. With my old phone i used to set a silent alarm so i was up at a certain time of morning as all our timeclocks were ruined. This time i forgot to turn the sound off... Suddenly in the middle of the morning, Taio Cruz filled the entire flat and i freaked out. But guess what i did? I didn't just get frightened and turn the phone off, or even apologise. Nope. I shot up like The Undertaker, flew out of bed and started throwing my brother's clothes across the room searching for the noise. I was dead sure it was under the trousers! I was so damn out of it lol. It's good to just remember silly stuff now and again. Keeps you sane :)

'I wanna say i love you sooo bad but i know i can't. I may never even say it, because i can't. It doesn't stop me from wanting to though. I really am so sorry for feeling like i do. I just wish you'd have told me why so much sooner. It could've saved all this. You probably think i'm overreacting and being all dramatic and saying things i don't know about but i wouldn't lie about how i feel. You know i couldn't lie to you. But i feel now i can't even talk to you about this properly because of the position i'm in. There's so much i wanna say but i can't do it, and i won't. Well, until you get it out of me like you always seem to :) Forgive my "moment" i'm having, you know i'm not like this, but i just wanna say how special and awesome you are and how i lucky i am to have you as my friend. Stay safe hun :') Anyways...... I have an annoying question i must ask before my scheduled sob till i'm asleep for the third night running: What or who the fuck is 'Little' Wayne? To me, he is Lil'. Yes before you insult me, i know lil is little. But i don't know why us Brits call Jason Derulo "Derillo". Is he a member of the armadillo family or something?! That's why i'm so ticked off with 'Little'. If it's not what it says it is, it's not it!!! Get it!!!!! LIL' Wayne. Thank you. Goodnight.

I just read my last entry again. I sound rather ladylike huh? Ah heck, i've always had that problem. Never mind. It's just quiet right now. Just as the silence waits to be broken, this morning is sure to explode... I'm tired lol. I really should nap but if i do i'm worried i won't sleep later. Although i wake up like 4 times during the night. I think i sub-consciously -- or whatever the word is -- wake myself up so i don't sleep over. I love waking up in the morning and i love a little natter with my official talk to-er for an hour or so .< but i'm getting round to eating it earlier, coz then i won't get worried about not having my dinner. I'm getting there! I haven't put any lyrics here lately. Nothing i have has summed up how i've felt. But i should have something soon! Exciting times XD

Finally had my haircut today! Yaaaay. I'm happy with it. In a couple of weeks i'm going shopping with mum to find something nice to wear for what she's planning for my birthday. Yikes. I probably look like i should be clothes-sensible but i'm just a crappy tatty jeans and trainers gal :) should be interesting. Even though she told me, whatever it is we're doing, is closed on my birthday so we'll be doing it the day after. Fair enough i guess lol. I've never had anything planned for my birthday before so i'm a little excited but more scared than anything, i know what my mother's like! As long as wherever it is we go there are no snobby a-holes around. Can't bear them. The ones that think their shit doesn't stink anyway. I'll cause a stir, i don't mind. Just seeing their faces make my day haha. Sometimes when i get glared at by stuck-up she-males i let out a loud burp lol. Their faces!!! Makes my day :D I have nothing against any women, just the women here i don't like, is all. It's like i shouldn't even be on the planet sometimes, the way they look at me. Oh well, can't please everyone! Haha.

I don't seem to be good at anything anymore. I can't even play the piano like i used to. I'm like the walking dead, i just can't do anything. I can't even fall in love right... You know, only two people in my life know how i feel about everything. And they're so far away. The irony. Hah. I try and be myself more when i talk to them. They umderstand why i am the way i am. No one else would. No one here anyway. People have told and still tell me i'm pretty, i'm beautiful and i'll break a lot of hearts. But it's not true. I'm not pretty, and the only heart that breaks is mine. From one girl to another, how would it feel if you were only asked out by guys in their 40s and 50s? I almost dated a 30-year-old once, but it was stopped by my mum and her cousin. That's the problem when you look older than you are. It all really started kicking off when i was about 13. Even my mate i'm sure was trying to get to me before he realised (remembered lol) i was only 15 at the time. It's so easy for him to tell me how i should feel, living his life of luxury. I have no one who feels the same way i do. I just hope something changes in my life soon. I'd give anything for things to be different...

:'(