you'd erased our history
nowhere could i find it
didn't think i'd mind it
but now i can't recall our memories

collect impressions, time, and date
for divination of our fate
details keep me sane
but cloudy distancing obscures
the memory of feverpitch
and no signposts remain

correspondence ghosts
with no trace of the respondent
i'm despondent

if i'd known you'd sever that tie
i would have saved all of that too
a Talking Book of me and you
safely in my head
never read
by prying, jealous eyes

(still enticed by how you scream
pierce me with each cry
i presume you speak to me
i don't always know why)

the lace card is more fragile
perhaps a bit archaic
but just as innovative
and holds the same intent

but only one destroys itself
in making the attempt

Signals crossed,
Signals lost
Forever inscrutable
Somewhat unsuitable
Impractical expectations
Tactical exhumations

Fated immutable
Disillusion mutual

but i already do...

i still loved you then,

and love you now too

enough to know i should let you go

but i've one last request as i do

please think fondly sometimes of your lonely calypso

and know she wants happiness for you

my psyche desired a pursuit from you

i realized that's something you won't ever do

(at least not in the way that I want you to)

twice offered,  twice bitten, i knew it was over

before it had ever begun, we were through:

something you told me in myriad ways

something you already knew

---------

i know there is love because i'm not completely desolated; i am not inconsolable. there is an empty dull ache and a heavy sadness but i am also happy for you. she is wonderful and beautiful and sweet and kind and full of love. she can only be good for you. as i've said before,

you + me = negative empathic feedback loop.

bad timing, indeed

approached you first for comfort

in a time of need

but you offered none

told me you were gone

nattered on about the same two knives who always cut you


you seem not to want me unless you can't have me

now i'm here: you disappear

now that i'm free you no longer want me

or never really did


i've been calling your name

but i'm weary of games

i don't have the will to keep score anymore

desire must have fled, or it's all in my head

or i no longer feel what you're sending


you seem not to care

so tell me why, then,

should i offer my heart to be broken again?

it's on lockdown

for the forseeable future


thus rejected, i stopped looking

but something came looking for me



grief makes people do terrible things

emerging from a fugue state

overwhelming, inundate


obviously i've been out of my mind:

still inexcusable, no less unkind

i'm not vindictive by nature

but i had a pretty good teacher


i knew just what i did

i dared

the worst part is:  i didn't care

although i know i should

and didn't turn away affection offered

though i never would have proffered first

and resisted only weakly


pass judgment if you'd like

but first, try being human

live my hell experience

before you judge in spite

and contemplate your own exploits if you'd condemn me privately


can't fall off your high horse

if you never take a risk

but that's a jump i just can't see you taking

another leap you won't be making


anyone who takes me now

has only my body

and not my heart

that was yours but you tossed it out

now it's no one's

right now it's fit for nothing anyway


but my soul belongs to me

and you have no right to condemn it

it's not your place to condemn it

but call me a whore if that makes you feel better

and maybe first you should look in the mirror

A funny story: (also true)

I tried to draw some love for you

Not realizing

I would be the one drawn in the process.

The mistake of a 13 year novice

The lesson here: (it's pretty clear)

Unless you can ensure

the impartiality of your heart,

Don't meddle in the affairs of men

Especially not in matters of love

Unless they have specifically asked

for you to be of service

songs still have power, you know they do

it's how I fell in love with you

a clear-eyed mind would know it's true

don't play dumb

Virgin of Amnesia

though I see right through your ruse

-- intentionally vague to keep me confused --

it still is quite effective.

really wish I were your muse

but they could be for her, or no one

here comes my invective:

all you said meant everything

with or without a banner

the trouble was knowing your subject

it’s unclear from your manner

it serves your purpose

to keep me uncertain

dare I think it's me?

if I don't know, the fault is mine

add another to the list

of many who have hurt you

a hypocrite’s laughable claim:

no drug can keep you down,

yet you sleep through everything

and forget all the proof you'd ever need

do you recall a thing I’ve said to you?

can't you see the way I look at you?

can't you feel what I think at you?

If not, then maybe what you say is true

speak to me as no one can

entice me with your craft

then push me to see if I’ll react

love isn't safe but we both know pain

it’s proof you can make me feel something

easy to blame me for how you feel

if you ever remembered, you'd know it was real

hide from me, lie to me, I can't steal

what doesn't want to walk away

I’m not a very good thief

Lady Lamb wrote a blue book for you

"I'm undone forever for knowing you," or

"I wish we'd never met":

only one of those is true

she burned it. wasted effort.

you wouldn't read it if I sent it to you

or you would misinterpret

I’m no biondetta--that's for sure

but jealousy makes me ugly

regret makes me old and weary

draw me close, push me away

take care,  don't reveal what would make you stay

complain how another one got away

continue to drive me mad

I never saw you take that stand

I might have gone with you if you had

but still you won't, and sing the song

of how some temptress broke your heart

when it's you that does the breaking

set yourself free? good for you.

I’m still here, suffering for you

fool that I am, trapped in time

the knitting needle through my eye

says "hello" and "f**k you"

pretend to cut you loose

but really, I’ll never be free of you

ever the martyr, I think of

all the pain I must have saved you

when we both know you'll find a way

to keep yourself unhappy

no matter what I do

as far as you go,

as long as you stay,

I’ll still pine for you

going mad for you

"I wish you

had never known me

or that you had killed me

before you went."

-- but we both know that's a lie too

dangerous to know? maybe so.

does that mean me or you?

-----

and what about your marigold hair?

I’ve noticed she only seems to care

when I get close to you.

I "draw" things, I do

my wishes come true

but seldom the way I want them to

does she know unknowable things?

does she cry whenever you sing?

can she speak to you in dreams?

if so, then better keep her

you'll get bored with me anyway

and we've probably run out of things to say

but there’s no shortage of what I feel

for me, at least, that still is real

though I chide you I’m still your fool

why else would I look for signs of you

where none exist, or have been long erased

clinging to shreds of memory

rewoven the way I’d like them to be

nowhere near the truth

or if it is, I’d have no way to know

you, in black, in shadowed light

perhaps the most arresting sight

I’ve looked upon, ever, but definitely that night

you wouldn’t know, you wouldn’t look at me

if you had, you would easily

know what power you have over me

trying to hide but still aware

that everyone else could see

transfixed, breathless, holding back tears

you awaken emotions that I fear

but at the end of the night

you have no interest in closing the deal

or going home with me

because I will not tempt you

with promises I can’t keep

others do, and take from you

what I want but never get

because I won't lie to you

and once I’m able to speak I’ll find

you'll have no thought for me

I’m older every day

and much too far away

you'll have so many from which to choose

I won't even cross your mind

the time and place for us? here and now

but there are certain obstacles

once surmounted, opportunity's past

you're a memory to torment me forever

a ghost to prey upon imagination

knowing you never

loving you ever

(this is why I think I need sedation)

because of the site relaunch.

It's probably better that way, as you seem to have moved on.  If I had any goddamned sense, I would too.

Some things will always be yours, though. YHF and Kaputt will always, always make me think of you. And Rainwater Cassette Exchange.  There are many others as well, but those are at the top of the list right now.

No energy to dig any deeper right now.  I'm anesthetized.