So I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been trying to be good, trying to be mindful, trying not to bother you, trying not to be a messy complication in your life

Trying also, unnaturally, to force my attraction to you to be more mental and less physical because for some reason that seems less transgressive to me

But watching you dripping with sweat along with the rest of us in that strange fishbowl-aquarium-terrarium and observing the way you hold your guitar and how your body moves when you sing,

I was reminded of what I had put away

And I wanted to wrap my arms around you and feel your heat

Even though I was already staggering under the oppressive weight of stillness and the tension in the air

(some pleasant, some unpleasant)

and the unbearable closeness of the room

And I wanted you to be too much to handle, to take me down with the lightest of touches, to fall with you into the grass

Or at least talk to me

I suppose there is always time

But last night felt like nothing else mattered

So it was probably for the best that you kept yourself busy

but you woke me up, sleeping in the underworld and didn't even know it, because i was dreaming that i had already escaped

Thank you so much. I cried a lot and wrote a lot and processed a bunch of emotions I hadn't addressed yet, or even really know what to do with. I've been working on, umm, awakening kali, if you will forgive such a florid sidestepping

becoming the one who cuts the thread is harder though

(Also, guess what? Big surprise, I'm drunk and high, so this is all probably ridiculous)

But I am very much looking forward to tomorrow and hearing how it's changed.  

which is why I can't sleep at 3am

i miss you

i used to think that binary stars were sort of a romantic metaphor for two people who are strongly attracted to each other but, for various reasons, neither of them does much about it overtly

but then i watched an artist's representation of what actually happens to binary stars, and although it was beautiful and fascinating, it made me sad

it's actually a decent metaphor for a relationship, but not really the outcome i'm looking for


at least we would get a few million years together before things became unpleasant

but to a star, that really isn't a very long time






***

"This artist's impression shows how hot, brilliant and high-mass stars evolve. New work using ESO telescopes has shown that most such stars are in pairs. These stars are up to one million times brighter than the Sun, and evolve about one thousand times more quickly. As the stars evolve they expand slowly. The more massive brighter star expands first, until the outer layers start to strongly feel the gravitational pull of the companion, deforming the star into a teardrop shape. The companion then starts to suck material from the primary star. When the primary has been stripped from its entire hydrogen rich envelope it shrinks. At this point the secondary star is now rotating very fast and has an oblate shape. The hot compact star continues to fuse heavier and heavier elements in its centre until it explodes as a supernova. During the explosion a neutron star is born which probably escapes. The secondary is left behind alone. It swells up and becomes a red supergiant with a radius a few times larger than the orbit of the Earth around the Sun. Eventually the second star also explodes as a supernova."

(watch the video)

without me

Taken down

Crushed

Ground into dust

Clawing through sadness

No strength to feel lust

I despise feeling numb

No penalty's worse

I'll trot out that cliche 

and climb into this hearse

Take me somewhere

So I don't have to care

I no longer come on command

I might see the door

I could maybe forget

If my body'd obey my hand

The force of the vortex 

Threatens to drown

It's a shame this shell goes to waste

I wish you were free

But you're not

It's too bad

'cause I just want to give you a taste

I fucking miss you so much.

The holidays just bring it out in me and I can't control myself.

But yeah...I miss you more than anything. 

At least you "got" me. This one never did.

...ever

or inanity, whatever

i promised myself i wouldn't do this anymore

sorry.

initiated by request
extended as a courtesy
to one who would not give to me
the same consideration

maybe up and running now
but i am out of practice
my signal flickers weakly
damped by inebriation

amplify, relay

reattempt the broadcast
swamped by noise and static
i wonder if it's breaking through
(exhausted desperation)

opiate-lazy, drugged sluggishly
body doesn't move, mind isn't free
lost the key to that realm
forgot the way in
drowning in sugar and too much gin

orpheus trumps morpheus
the beacon awakens
the body remembers
the mind become frail needs training
 


but i think i can remember if i
listen for the signals

destitute of spirit

waveforms raining