now the last vow is broken
now the last wall is breached
now the fences have crumbled
now I'm in your reach

I laid it out
I spoke to you
the truth I'd never given you:

direct hit
end run around our game
impact:
how do we act without the frame?

invoking distant lives,
I gave myself away

not knowing what you'd say or mean

and now I'm still left in-between

ever since i met you
i wanted the world to hear you
the price, i thought, was that you never would be fully mine
this klaxon cried "look here and listen"
that's a definite form of devotion
i know you didn't ask me, but i took it as my mission

sometimes blessed, sometimes cursed
alternately best and worst
but now i'll take what's mine
as i remember how to shine

swallow sadness long enough and it becomes poison

all you other people without hearts seem to be doing just fine so i thought i'd join you in the land of the dead-eyed

--chillin' on the dock of mnemosyne, would i miss it instead if i dove into lethe? ondine doesn't know.

that's kinda the point

___________________

"How terrible to live where a word can never be unspoken and a gesture can never be unmade.”

born from the same pool
separated at birth
reunited, but not meant for this earth
black swan, white swan
i'd kill orion
every
single
day
to appease your pride
or to settle our score
but that's probably all i'm worth

what you knew of me then is not me now
imprints of violence changed me somehow
this shit is trite but it's all i've got
my mind is fucking shot
and that's on them
let me drown in the fucking fen
unstable ground, delusion sucks me in

do you see only what you want to see?  
what you seek, i'm afraid isn't me
but the PTSD comes with it for free
would you like some toxicity?
ms. sexton ain't got nothin' on me

solitude has turned me bitter:
too much of a cure is fatality
its sodden weight snuffed out my spark
can't even sulk and write in the dark
thought disorder
shell and mortar
explode, explode, explode
collapse and scatter these ashes
none of these bright flashes
originate from me
 

alone enough to know
nothing will fix
what's wrong with me
but death
or therapy.
an exceedingly costly remedy,
and to what end?
my sickness and i have camaraderie    
then, inevitably, antipathy
can you cleanse me?


i don't want to admit that i need to be saved
is that what you need from me?


you'd end up hating me

i'd have nothing but fever-dreamed memories,

the belief that i once meant something to someone,

and no future.

just eternity



the less complicated "solution" is not fitting, is unsatisfactory.
it holds space,
keeps me safe
from the fear i'll destroy
the last thing that matters to me

i never pretended otherwise, and i hope that you see  
that the deed was done
with the thought you'd be better without me

on the chance you could be happy


i am poison.
are you immune to me?



or would we run together like mercury?

i'm not your lover

i'm not your friend

i am something that you'll never comprehend

love u

once again, i was available

(for at least a year)

you did nothing except find yourself a girlfriend

this is an unfortunate and continuing pattern 

but don't be mad at me if you do nothing to indicate interest and then my attention drifts away for a second

because you know where it always returns.

but i miss feeling inspired and being crazy in love. not sure i will achieve that again. i got old and jaded, and i know that's death.

...and then i remember that fall is the time to let things like this go.

(two falls heal it all)

i have progressed? regressed?

from suicidal to homicidal

right now the thing that makes me smile the most is imagining all the ways i could kill her

bit of a delayed response, since it's been over a year

but everyone knows the best way to kill a vampire is to drive a stake through their tiny black hearts

i *almost* think jail time/a death sentence is worth it. poetic justice: this is what happens when you try to fuck my boyfriend. you DIE by my hand

it would send a message to all horrible people

but i guess not caring about a possible death sentence is maybe still kind of suicidal

except i'd be taking that bitch out with me when i went.

(you're welcome, world)

a different version of me would be sad that i have allowed myself to be reduced to this--but i'm in full-on revenge mode. her insult cannot go unanswered

i want people to be scared of me.

i should know better than to engage a pathological narcissist; they thrive on this kind of shit

but i can't take the high road anymore

so even though i won't actually intentionally cause her harm,

i might try to fuck with her head just a little bit.

i don't think you understand who you crossed, you stupid cunt.

you'll find out soon enough.

sweet dreams, bitch

to the other


and what i left out in my explanation


i don't want to just play computer games with you anymore
and have you chat me all day at work
or on the weekends when you are lonely

i wanted you to come visit me like you used to

i will never forgive you for deciding you loved somebody else more than me

but then also strung me along for a year

telling me you still love me so so so much
telling me i'm your best friend, ever
telling me "you're the face i want to see when i'm sad, or hurt, or sick,
or really proud of something, or when i want to have an ill-advised
adventure, or just want to relax with my best friend"
telling me you fucked up the best thing that ever happened to you
telling me you never want to create any distance between us, even if that makes you an asshole for not wanting to do it, because i'm "too important" to you
telling me you hope someday everything works out and we'll be together again because we belong together
telling me that talking to her is like talking to a ghost
telling me if you could go back in time, you would in a heartbeat
telling me, when i said i couldn't believe how happy i was then and that it seemed unreal to me now and that i wished i could go back there, "me too"
telling me, when asked if that truly is the case, what the fuck is stopping you, the reason you can't or won't is that you "couldn't handle hurting people any more than i already had--i almost left town, almost ran away from her"


which is bullshit

as if i were supposed to feel sorry for you during your supposed torment
from making a bad decision

you're just a coward.

if all these things are so, why don't you just leave her?

you're a coward, and you need to have something else lined up before you move on because you can't stand to be alone for a second

and also, you like her because she gives you permission to be an awful person, and i didn't realize by simply existing i was unintentionally pressuring you to be a better person (sorry that was such a burden! you idiot)

"i couldn't handle hurting people anymore" is just code for "her feelings are actually more important than yours" but you are either not aware of that or don't know how to articulate it

"and even though i've been telling you all this time how miserable i am, i actually do love her more than you"


even though you pretend otherwise
for reasons i still don't really understand


"and i didn't mean anything by posting those lyrics"
"i realized they could be taken the wrong way so i took them down"

(which did not occur to you until i made it clear how much it hurt me)


but how could you not? that must be a lie too.


either that, or you're just really fucking stupid
or really do lack empathy



but it means everything you have been telling me over the past year is a lie

because you "wanted to control it, but, 'love! i couldn't hold it'"
(that's a fucking terrible song by the way. i suppose it suits you now)


a very cruel lie


which is why i started taking pills so i didn't have to feel feelings anymore

after i messaged you for about an hour, trying to explain your cruelty

but you just don't fucking get it

i started with six, that seemed like a good place to start
washed it down with vodka on the rocks
took three more a little later, who knows how much later? i do not know
took four a few hours later
still drinking vodka on the rocks
i took two or three more, maybe
i think the sun came up

but taking that many pills makes you do weird things

so i set out all the cat and dog food left in the house in a place where they could reach it
i put a very large bowl of water out for them and let the tub faucet drip
i put on suicide makeup and a suicide outfit
i wanted to look pretty
i left a note that essentially said "this was accidental, but if i die, whatevs, peace out, i was sad as fuck anyway"

and it wasn't just you, it was everything

the whole world and everything in it

then i took some more pills with more vodka
and slept a long time
and woke back up and took some more pills with vodka
and thought about that scene from the bell jar
and answered a text from a friend who instinctively knew something was wrong and came over to wake me up from "a nap"
i don't know what day that even was
and then after she left three hours later i started taking more pills with vodka
and went back to sleep and took more pills any time i did wake up
i can't remember when or why i stopped
but somehow over the course of 2 days i took almost a month's worth of klonopin
evidently that is not enough to kill me.
good for me, i guess.


i do understand that a not-exactly-but-kind-of suicide attempt is a really histrionic and pathetic cry for help, but I NEEDED YOUR HELP

if you loved me as much as you say you do, why didn't you come over right away and say "please never do that again, you scared the hell out of me"

or "i would never forgive you if you disappeared that way"

or "don't you understand that i love and need you?"


but you didn't.
because you don't.
and you're a liar.

you just want my emotional support and my love that you don't deserve

you can't string me along like that for a year and use me and drain the life out of me just because you need the understanding and caring that is supposed to be part of a loving relationship that is not with a pathologically narcissistic monster

i don't just mean she thinks too highly of herself, i mean she is seriously ill and would be dangerous if she weren't so stupid and transparent to
EVERYONE BUT YOU, or those who enjoy her flattery. she can't feel human feelings, but she sure knows how to put on a good show. she thinks rules don't apply to her because she is special and a super-bad rebel or some other ridiculous shit. she uses everyone she knows purely for her own gain.
narcissists actually seek out compassionate people because they know they are easy to exploit and they can suck a lot of energy out of them. there are plenty of scientific studies about this, maybe you should read some of them.

or maybe it would ring too true and you wouldn't want to see yourself in it

she's the sort of person who, in different times, would already have been culled from the herd by the tribe elders or whatever because she's a bad seed

seriously, like THE bad seed. ever seen that movie? watch it.

you've absorbed too many parts of her, and now you're a horrible person too.



you know the only person who tried to check on me after all this?

my ex-husband.
the one i split up with twelve years ago.
THAT is a true friend.

you don't get to call me your best friend anymore.

you actually aren't my friend at all.
i was pretty fucking stupid to believe otherwise.
using me because you need things you aren't getting isn't friendship

which means the transformation is complete.
you are now a half- bottle redhead sociopathic cunt monster who needs a shower

i never thought anyone could be more frighteningly crazy than your little brother, but your darkness is much more insidious because it masquerades as innocence and vulnerability.

or maybe just neediness

i believed the innocent face you put on.
i believed in the funny, idealistic, intelligent person i could talk about politics and revolution and music and programming languages and computer games with, and identified with the tragically beautiful current of melancholy underneath

are you just a mirror of whoever you want to fuck at the time?
 

or is that person still under there?
were you ever there?
i used to think you were.
i'm not sure anymore.


maybe i was just in love with an idealized version of myself.


but it's probably for the best, because all you ever want to do is eat and sit on the couch and watch movies,

and when i think back on it objectively, that actually wasn't making me happy. it was making me unhealthy and fat and miserable

and you certainly didn't like hearing that i was tired of being a drunk fuckup, because i suppose you thought that meant you couldn't be one either                (it didn't)

and i could never have any time alone and that drove me absolutely fucking crazy and made me resent you

so i guess it makes sense that you would be easily lured away by someone who is dumber and younger than you and pretends to think you're pretty amazing, when i had been growing annoyed with you except when we were drunk or in bed

and now you put me on a pedestal and pretend you don't deserve me so you can be a martyr and justify your poor choices
(although you actually don't deserve me)



but anyway, i don't think i actually wanted to die. i just wanted to be numb, and didn't care if i happened to die getting there.


i don't feel anything now, so that's okay




except

gratitude

to the friend who listened to all of this, verified my suspiscions, made me feel better, understands me, whom i will always love with something stronger, kinder, less volatile, and more constant than romantic love

although, inappropriately, sometimes that too




please never stop singing me to sleep.
thank you for keeping me alive.
i love you always