I feel like I'm trying not to kill myself. I'm so angry. I'm never angry. But lately every little thing has been pissing me off. Brian is drifting away from me. "What did you think it would be like?" I don't know. Not like this. I want to hook up with someone. Maybe just to prove i can. Independent. I feel....nothing. angry or nothing. Which is better?

i want to go to jacksonville tomorrow. I need a ride. and friends. i'm so isolated here, but everyone else just takes so much energy. I miss Brian. I miss something i can;t get back. I don't feel fulfilled. I have no goals or prospects. yea sure there's little things I could do. Play the guitar, learn to spin poi. But it's not a life, or at least not a satisfying one. Not sure. Can't deal. I tried to get a job today. didn't work out. Even just fucking standing in forever 21 was stressful. I can't imagine working there. I can't imagine growing up.

Mark said he could give me a ride to jacksonville tomorrow. This thing with mark...i don't know. I want this adventure. I'm not done yet, i need to keep moving. do it for the story. life experience is a precious thing. go black to the sludge pile. the funny thing is i actually have documentation from seven years ago. That's when i was journaling every day. I was probably having sex with john drago exactly around then. Is that what i should really write about?

Graduation. It’s coming up so soon I’m already fast forwarding. I don’t feel this pressure for completion. It’s like it already happened and school is behind me. Sorry mom, sorry dad. Grades could have been better if I was better. But I didn’t want better. I wanted stasis. I wanted to just run this thing down to the ground. I thought someone would stop me before I took it this far. But I think maybe this ending is better. I’m still in control. I feel ready to move, to make changes. I’m okay with sadness. It’s this emptiness nothing matters black and white daydream that I’m trying to let go of. Live with meaning and purpose. Stop thinking, start doing. I want to care about my time in every moment, not just the larger picture. A new structure of organization. Measuring progress. I am my actions. Happy and healthy and strong and calm. The good is not gone. I’m still holding on but I’m not holding back. I’ve had time to recover, rewind, re-enact. But only so much can come from retracing your path. Sometimes things are just lost and we’re filled with regret. Nothing lasts forever, so take all you can get. And never stop moving or feeling alive at the end of the day your life’s yours to define. No one else cares at least not like you do. I want to believe that a part of me has carried through.

I want to get more out of my interactions with other people. Everyone else seems to vibrate at this higher frequency that takes energy to operate. I don’t know what I’m saving my energy for. Maybe for this. Maybe for something else. Am I a writer? In some sense, this proves I am. Simple, yet effective. I can do this. But more importantly, I want to do this. Not just because I can. No, there’s more passion than that. I used to think I had it all figured out. Now the more I know I know that I don’t know shit. The world works in very few absolutes. There are always conditions. I care about these subtleties. I can point them out to others. Power of explanation for a lack of motivation. I want to communicate effectively in my relationships. I want to be accountable. 21 days to create a habbit. No matter what, I will write. I will write. I will write. No matter what, I will write.

I'm in this weird transition stage

where my home is temporary

it seems as if the actions i make

will remain behind the door that closes

as i drive away to my next destination

junior year

it's been a strange past few months

i thought i had it all figured out, but that sadness came back to bite me

Dan

missing him is the harderst thing

i allow myself to react to his words, touch, taste,

but there's so many miles between his bed and the words that I'm writing

Study time

a class i haven't been to

what would you do if you were me?

I like my empty spaces open

i cant be around people when im just wanting

their eyes get to my head

so after waking up early i just drive home

and waste the day looking in the lock box

i set up the tv this weekend

it doesn't seem like much, but it's a change in scenery

it says "someone is living here"

there are no degrees

its just a couch with paint splashed on the arm

i watched so many movies and i dreamed in my bed

the blanket helps, but only a little

that first night i was truly terrified

I really thought you'd be there

impossibility and reality intertwine

english essays submited too late 

and books i never read in the first place

next semester when im more set up

another new home alone, but atleast its closer

classes that I might actually care about and

resumes written by the end of the year

"It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown"

everything felt too late

It seems like these days i just keep sinking in

behind closed eyes and the softest sheets its so easy to disappear

the time between is shrinking but it doesnt feel like it

days blend and bend and twist togehter

and my words won't bring me home

you're always at my thoughts

always a shadpw in the distance

a million miles of an open field when my legs are growing still

there's no such thing as morning or a nightitme

its all just hours

wasted all alone

how do you go on?

and keep on moving swiftly

just one call

let me drink in all your life

thats what he said i hadnt heard those word from him in a year but now it feels different that one word has so many senses, so may meanings and i do love him, always and forever i mean it now, like i did when i was 17 but it has morphed into a different kind of love like better than friendship just someone who has known you and watched you grow you have to treasure that someone there in your corner because the sign up list is not so long and the worst thing to feel these days is lonely i do love him not in the way i love dan, but it was a promise i intended to keeep remember when you told me you met your soulmate? it didnt break my heart the most visceral response was what i put forth "you were my first, that's special in its own way" i meant it i think you led me to dan i think you led me to me and for that i am so grateful, that i want to repay it give u some burst of color and help you on your way

Don't burn bridges that's one of the first things they teach you about relationships with other people but all of my bridges all my links to last year seem so charred with fire and big gaping canyons and jumping across scares the shit out of me regression the word pounds in my ears, tangling with the other one regression and alone those two words have become my summer those last two months of school, i felt so free and happy but now i just feel terrified i thought i found myself i did find myself and no matter how shitty and unmotivated and negative i feel nothing should take that away but other people my relationships i don't know what to do who can i trust? who wants my new life? my life with dan, that i believe in more than anything else i see forever with him, but that means letting go of so many pieces of my old life that don't fit in with the new ones and grace i dont like how we left it a burnt bridge im still inhaling the smoke fumes maybe im not wrong in thinking i should do something to change it dan wasnt there for the good part thats what happens with this distance you miss out on so much that cant be put into words so much you just have to be there for and my heart aches with the fear of spending this whole year without him without anyone really anyone strong anyone who wants my tears if you dont like your life, you should do something about it not just sit there and watch the sky other people ive always been so wary but im starting to think that its ok to need them to love yourself, yes, to value your alone time but also... also have someone there at the end of the day who actually cares if your crying and that means work and effort and putting yourself out there, even now when you just dont have the energy forcing yourself i hate that word its what i did for years and that scares me because i dont want to go back there to that place of detatchment i want to experience the world truthfully even if it means most days waking up and just wishing to go back to sleep this weekend i have a music festival at least i guess that's my one thing thats where i found myself thats who i am and the other people, the right ones, will they just appear? or do i have to find them? am i too young to disappear into someone else's life, even if it has all the safety of a daydream? even if that what we all do eventually? i think it might be i want to have everything i want dan in a world where nothing gets lost i want friendship and hope im at the end of my rope my teenage words again: no one understands and then theres matt who wants to reappear just when im starting to think i might need him as a friend as someone who gets me because the list of people signing up to care isn't exactly out the door and i know its my fault for receding so much but i just feel so empty and tired and i want a solution to fall from the sky

Existing I guess in this world That not much is fair Your life can crash down But time doesn’t care It passes indifferent Sunshine in your rain Be there love in your heart Or your skin soaked with pain So it’s easy to feel like You’re not running the ride That you’re holding on, frantic Barely strapped safe inside But no matter the drops Or how much you’re afraid The one thing for certain Is the strength that you’ve made So raise your head strong And hold yourself proud Collect your true colors And scream them aloud Your right to existence Is yours to protect Because if you don’t care Then how can you expect The others to see That you’re more than just feet That your heart’s filled with dreams Not the same static beat When everyone’s watching Allow them to see The true definition Of having someone to be Ignore the cruel words Look past the stares Pretend there’s no words Like normal or weird Build a wall all around you A shinning aura of gold That brings light to others And keeps your heart whole Most will condemn you Judge you on sight Their mind closed in a world Where one way is right Others will pass you Just walk right on by Too scared to ask you Who are you and why Because different is scary What we can’t understand Is one of few elements That does conquer man We’ve flown up in space Gone deep under the sea But sadly true unity Will just never be We like labels too much It helps justify How to call a man stranger And keep walking by There are so many standards And a path paved so deep And we keep our heads down And become moving feet But there’s so much to lose And so little to gain From living in boxes And not sharing our pain We need to realize that truth That you have something to say It’s where you can find me A thousand light years away But if you stretch out a little, Offer your hand If you are willing, You may understand For this box isn’t permanent, It’s just made of glass Feels solid, maybe, But it crashes so fast If you can just find the courage To make the first dent Everyone has a reason, Make your time here well spent

I made myself get out of bed mostly because if I didn’t then, at that exact moment in time, I probably never would. It’s funny the way that life works like an elevator, this constant up and down. And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you’re the one in charge, pressing the buttons, an unwelcome circumstance, and bam tower of terror, back to the first floor. For a while there, I was accelerating. I had lost all the weight, not that much in reality, maybe only ten pounds, but to me, there hadn’t been a whole lot of weight to begin with. And those ten pounds in particular, they’d always bothered me, sat on my skin like excess, excuses for why I wasn’t exactly who I wanted to be. And without them, and with you, and without the make-up and fake friends and everything else pretend, I’d felt alive with a realness and truth so safe I was sure it was permanent. But then bam, elevator buttons, tumbling hills, and oceans and oceans of tears. I’ve been here once before. It was back in high school. It’s amazing how the distance between particular years of your life can grow and extend in your imagination. Sometimes you can hide all that you used to be in this back corner box of your brain and you were so sure you’d taped it shut so it could never open again. But surprise surprise, the tears turn the cardboard into mush and all those demons slip out from the wasted material, singing in you ears those songs of sadness. Sadness. You don’t know how to change the channel, dress it up into anything less defeating. It becomes you. Your entire body curls up like a disease and your bed and your room are the only things that you know will accept you like this, as you are. Other people, the outside world, they don’t know how to handle you. You need special gloves and bubble wrap, but at the same time, the very fact that you know this makes you want to disappear. You don’t want their sympathy because if you talk about it, it only shows stronger. It shines through your skin, ripe banana bruises, and those tears, those tears, you just can’t control them. It’s so inappropriate. That’s the first word that comes to mind. If you saw this affliction on somebody else, would you really want to be their friend? Comforting. It takes so much energy. No matter what they say, it still won’t fix it. They can’t help you. You can’t help you. The only thing that can is time, and time passes by the way it always does, unaffectedly, unaware of your own crashing world. You want to tell him because you can’t contain it all. If there’s another person who knows, maybe he can help you feed the monster, scare it away. Afterall, that’s what love is. Love shines through tear drop rain, ignores words like “breakdown” and “unstable” and “absolutely terrified”. Underneath all that gunk, he still thinks your amazing. So why can’t you see that for yourself? There’s another person who might understand but talking to him means pressing the buttons and zooming backwards to your former life. You don’t want to meet him under these circumstances. “I’m worried because I care,” that was back when you actually were fine, despite all outward appearances. Now that you could actually use him, you’re no longer someone he can recognize. It would be dangerous to loop him into this, the story of your life from which he was already dismissed back five chapters ago. Bringing him back means regression. It makes it real. It makes that happiness, that ultimate goal, that pass the finish line collect the gold medal feeling from the end of the year suddenly seem unstable. But you were so sure! And you still are. There’s a part of you that can dream past this year of blankets and separation, of too much time and the word ALONE pounding drum beats in your ear. At least this time, you have a time frame, a definite promise. One year. 365 days, and not even all of them without him. It’s better than last time. But your older than last time. And your surer, and stranger, and closer to the edge than last time. Is it wrong to make the comparison? Do these two chapters belong in the same book, even? Learn from your mistakes. You thought you had. This new way that you love Dan, you have pin pointed the difference. You never felt the weight of Matt’s happiness. He held yours like an infant, singing it to sleep, and you were too caught up in your high school world and hopes for the future to even notice how delicate the contents were of the package you carried. When that ended, it took so long to rebuild. You don’t want to talk about that any more. That world of memories is a whole locked up room. That one you’re sure you swallowed the keys on.

I know that things can really get rough when you go it alone Don't go thinking you gotta be tough, and play like a stone Might be there’s nothing else in our lives, so critical As this little home sobriety the word itself felt foreign to her, alnguage she couldnt understand what did normal people do with their days? all thise hours of time stretched out in front of them/ well, i mean, she'd tried that route once, hadn't she? reality televesision ah yes! get lost inside the lives of winners forget the losers maybe it was always a contest or maybe it wasnt she sat here big clumsy fingers forcing themselves to make that sound that tap tap tap tap work getting accomplished a white piwder up your nose and your eyes feel out of focus. good thing she doesnt have to drive for a while no and if you look in the mirror, i doubt you'd know these are the kind of drugs our parents havent even heard of this is some reolutionary shit here a new age philosophy on getting fucked up psychedelics that had been the orign like all things, the orgin was good and pure expanding the mind that was the goal and it expanded and expanded like laffy taffy slithery snakes, so sweet they snap and then there's this gap between the beginning and how far we've veered down the path from normal and the kind of life your mom would want you to have for yourself you know there are how to books. zen and the art of happiness the power of now! but are you that desperate yet? or is there still a chance you have the answer somewhere inside that topsy turvy carnival ride of a brain? "fried" thats the word they use for acid headstoo much thinking, stimulation, entertainment, escape escape escape into where? blank white pages whats the format? is there a schedule? i liked the fill in the blank quizzes better you know, where you tell me who im supoosed to be and all i do is duck my head and roll follow, go with the flow i got angry at you when you tried to make me be the leader that was stupid you push me in all the right directions remember the keys: music and motion i should make an outline a pretty picture, abstract life or a collage. i can do a collage what if i decorate my room with art and hope and happiness? shift the environment so it feels like im something something besides stagnant autistic i've never typed that word before how strange ive used hundered and thousands of them, but never that one does it define me? can it be my excuse? i never wanted to draw attention to myself

I woke up early and cleaned my room and now the emptiness of the floor just reminds me I have nothing left to do summer time its supposed to be freedom i think back to last year days in a blaze, television on i didn't do much writing, but i forgave myself then i was in a different place i had just found the world, found myself, found my happiness but i still hadn't found you Now that my life is connected with yours, i feel more responsibility my actions and choices belong to both of us our future, moving forward,so someday it can be perfection and i never have to leave your side its so funny how when i was a kid, that very same word took over my world that's what i wanted more than anything, so that i could disappear now i use that word to exist, to live out loud in rainbow colors, to be in love with you motivation the methoxetimine is helping i am writing because i want a history i want words that won't wander off like memory, that time doesn't wash like sand on the shore i want this state of mind to be permanent being in love, the other half of your heart hidden safely in mine i called our story forever you said to call it perfection maybe, in a way, they mean the same thing jump to my bed last night, night sweats toss and turn, pillow burn, with body heat and bad dreams that don't make sense and aren't me then you call, finally, but in that space of half consciousness i realized something if you were to die, then i would just have to kill myself and then i went back to sleep no one understands those are teenage words, but i need them now "you seem to be living in lala land recently" she meant it as in insult, but i took it as a compliment sorry we figured out how to escape sorry our strange little island is the only place that i feel safe well if you left it up to me, everyday could be a holiday from real... and it is up to me up to us you and me against the world that first week i felt like a superhero sunshine and tires swirling at impossible speeds i was on top of the world and i could see my whole future all those mountains of time with you glistened with this strength and light i can't describe you're my everything, my world entire someone else used to say that to me, but i don't think i ever believed him with the few people who have held on tight, it feels wrong to push his friendship away but dan and me, that's my new life i cant go running to the past because im physically alone when i know in spirit your always by my side summer is a strange time for me it brings up lots of memories in this very room i experienced so much so many words i wrote, so many tears i cried you have to trust in your own beginnings see how that original spark grew into something bigger and maybe it could have gone a million different ways but the point is that it didn't i am sitting here, embodying me