once upon a time, i believed in order i lined up bottles just so on counter tops I woke up at times without a hint of daylight i ignored my body's every whim and desire i wanted only to be perfectly invisible i thought it would make me beautiful flash forward to a heartbreak, a head over heels, a sweet serenade a window tattoo, some pink purple hair, and then once again back to boring brown if you think about it, no one cares about your life but you there's the necessary tasks, sure,things like making good grades and having a few people to waste the time with but other than that, all the remaining hours are yours it is perfectly acceptable to have nothing to show for your freedom no one will ever ask for an exact account if you blend in enough, if you laugh, if you cry... it's just another way of being invisible i haven't been to the gym in ages i smoke and i eat and i eat and i don't get fat i have no idea why maybe i'm magical maybe the rules of body chemistry just don't apply i never used to care much for sleeping i thought it was a waste of time i can cut away hours now 10, sometimes even 12 the motivation to get out of bed sooner, just for the sake of moving has left me all together i am weak i am human i wanted to be so much more, but now I'm not sure if i really care what's the point of having your shit together when most things just work themselves out in the end my boyfriend walked in on me cheating can you believe that? how fucking stupid how purely ordinary and yet, i hardly even cared i knew it would work out, and it did we"re practically in love now how sickeningly adorable i wish someone would shake me but no one ever does so I'll just keep on bleeding lifeless

I am still so in love with a memory a time that has passed, a million moments faded they stick into me like stones, a little white skin drawing don't break the surface the blood never comes clean i always think im happy when really i am just not thinking i want to be a science experiment caring about my life , deciding for myself is exhausting i miss you in a way that is absolute with every breath and sigh and thought i sense the essence of you behind it you talked to me today and i felt more in love than ever we are trapped in this year, in this location i want to fast forward i want to fly away the impossibility of being with you makes me sick to my stomach i don't know what to do with me besides watch movies and hours pass and try not to think so much

i am now the girl with a a window tattoo on the back of her neck, all art and colors i am someone you would stare at waiting in line and maybe wonder if i was interesting it's funny how easy it is to change the outside pretend you are bold and defiant wear black and combat boots to show you don't care but now matter how dark you make your eyeliner when you get around those who know you you remember that inside you're still weak and scared Miami girls are all so beautiful i step out into the real world, and i see it all around me the heels, the skinny jeans, the low cut tanks straight hair,lip gloss it's really just an ideal you don't have to have the right features it just has to be close enough to the model so that you disappear but me, with my window tattoo and my long hippie skirts i stick out like a sore thumb check out that chick, all my guy friends will say definitely fuckable and i'll turn my head and see another plastic copy and pretend i wish it was me rocking those heels pushing to the front of every line making boys heads turn to stare i could probably assimilate if i wanted to i am pretty in a typical way i could dress and wear my hair the same as everyone else i could be a bitch, loud and out there but at the same time, i think part of the reason i don't is the fear that i may fail and if i gave up everything to be a miami girl and somehow i still didn't cut it i really don't know what i could do with the leftovers so for now i guess i'll stick to me even though it's hard being quiet and invisible when everything on the outside screams that you are interesting

what is it exactly i am trying to accomplish? if i sleep 12 hours a night, stop listening to music stop writing, stop thinking, stop being me in any way at all who is contained inside the shell i leave to sit and watch tv how many movies must you witness before your own experience is pointless they are actors we can't forget that in real life, they are probably also bored also fearful also lost but the roles, the stories, they seem so promising i want to escape my own life and fall into a drama why should i move? what will make me? i want an awakening, like cold ice water being poured down my spine i want meaning force fed down my throat i don't know if im lazy or scared, but there is nothing in me that wishes to try i don't believe i am better than this i don't know what i think about life in general does anyone have any good philosophies? please please comment i'm dying to know how to not waste my time

i was suprised you didn't answer i waited through the day like cold clear water a vast ocean of television screen surfaces to float me through the time i wanted to see your face when the world was dark i wanted your honesty, your representation lighting up my screen last night, those fifteen minutes made me conscious in a way i haven't been in ages there is no more lightness inside your head my body, it felt so real, so responsible lifestyle design the need to choose and create is so weighty i wanted to practice not crying jim morrison thought death was beautiful jim morrison is an idiot, you said loftily i made you smile i made you laugh for a second we were normal, back to almost okay and then back under we went, to a world that is mysterious and brooding i will always love you no matter what you want to talk about after midnight you can't break my heart anymore i am so ingrained inside of you

i promise to always be nice to you that is my start here are these little words i want to feel comfortable placing out to someone as a marker of my attachment to the world i am present and living i exist there is more than regret embracing me let go, jump in and start all over matt and i had skype sex just like old times, but not at all i was so willing and animated vibrant fucking intoxicating and he was the same i saw only flesh and heavy breathing no real love screaming out nothing more than a horny teenage boy trying to get his rocks off when he left right after, i laughed i thought i would cry, but i just laughed at the stupidity of everything at how far and desperately i would travel to get back an ounce of forgiveness strangely, i think we are better now i don't feel so ashamed my new boyfriend is such a kind person so normal, so safe, so happy it has only just occurred to me that everyone else i truly care about is miserable my best friends and i are so confused pretty girls with opportunities and pills down their throats and scars on their wrists i am some sort of haunt of this category we're only just as happy as we pretend to be and i am a champion of faking smiles

i want to make my life amazing passion, spilling over my skin smooth and bright, glowing like embers there will be excitement and purpose in every step i will wake up feeling refreshed there will be a lust for everything the world has to offer see the value in it all believe other people can touch you and make your life shimmer that not everything turns to ashes i am absolutely through with hurting people there is goodness mixed inside my skin there are lights and sounds and tastes i am missing i want to experience believe in magic have a contagious aura, let everyone in this is my resolution and it always has been i no longer want to be perfect i no longer want to disappear i have seen and felt all shades of pain but for now i wish to focus mostly on the beauty there is too much suffering in this world and my pointless tears will not wash away anything smile like you mean it and deliver strength and kindness who am i, who will i be? nobody knows how to form that definition its all just a mystery changing and growing and shrinking i will live with a ferocity and always keep this in mind

i know that i am just torturing myself that when someone says they won't out of your life and it is too painful to love you anymore you should probably just let them go and so during the day when i'm wasting my time i can forget leave behind the girl who once felt your pulse in her cheek, and set her somewhere safe, like words on a page but still, no matter how many times i think i have removed her there are always little traces suddenly, when i can't sleep and it's 7 in the morning i find a fog corner of my memory where the sun is rising and i tip toe downstairs like a little kid watching you sleep safe in my house, all tucked in before i wake you with a kiss and join your warmth in the sheets when the tears come, i always think of you, regardless i know i shouldn't have texted you i sounded desperate, alone, depressed all the reasons you left after i did i think i wanted you to chase me i wanted to push you to the very edge and shake your soul i needed you to defy everything, to move the world just to be by my side and you didn't because you are human because you still have a life outside of us one that is maybe even better i can't deny you that but sometimes the selfishness gets the best of me and i just need to reach out and feel... something not reassurance, not love, not affirmation, just something to know you are still there still alive, still breathing that your eyes are still freezing blue that the memory of me is still locked away inside them i always say sorry when i interfere i don't want to be a mess for you me and you, we were always supposed to be easy best friends, a real connection we had the rest of the world together it scares me to work this hard the way that you had to, the way that you did because you loved me forever it that was meant to be enough i think that in the end, we will get over the times we hurt each other compared to the love, it was bruises i will never forget the time you told me you dreamed that i was melissa and you were ben dubiel sobbing at my funeral you will never forget the beginning of my freshman year when i came and visited and i asked if you were over me and you hesitated long enough for me to know the real answer before you said yes you are my growing up experience you have seen me, been inside, in a way nobody else can ever imagine blood, skin, bones, sweat, cum, tears all barriers of the anatomy broken even if i have never been happy, i was always least lost with you i'm sorry i didn't see that until after i ran away there is a sick twisted part of me that still believes in our someday can you imagine? after all we've been through a house, some kids, a beautiful life in the california sun me and you doing anything i know it's so ridiculous but i hope sometimes at night when you're alone and can't sleep you will shut your eyes and hear the sound of my voice in your head telling you how much i still believe you

What if you all you need to do to change your life around is to paint your outlook in a different color get rid of the self identity, the insecurity don't view the world through eyes clouded by your own lack of experience instead, make your lens wider bolden it decide that you are not really here and everything is an illusion become the background scenery who said you always had to play main character in that never ending monologue the beauty of thinking outside your soul is the feelings are only imagined, words on a page live your life like a movie she gets up, gets dressed, makes nice conversation she isn't beautiful, but who cares? most people aren't she isn't hideous no one is staring she is smart enough she can run, dance, sing a functional human being she is wanting for nothing she even has a boyfriend, not the most attractive guy in the world, but decent looking and he cares about her, is always affectionate a kiss on the cheek, a hand on her shoulder who needs more? this is good enough halfway conscious bigger picture live your life as a science experiment and the closest thing to feeling you get isn't here

I can't think of a reason to stop, so i just keep going hours and hours, sitting in the chair staring lives that aren't mine, aren't real i want to know what happens next i want to be preoccupied what i need is someone to shake me by the shoulders and tell me I'm better than this tell me that i should get off my ass and stop wasting time but nobody does and i am in a trance, trapped, alone i could switch activities, but i don't see the point no matter how i spend these hours, everything is equally useless i can either see the world as incredible or ordinary there is no in between my precious moments come either on drugs or in dreams reality is jaded i am a girl in too tight jeans supposedly having the time of her life i wanted to be here i wanted to be present, alive who am i? who is anyone? can people who think really feel complete? i just don't understand how you can recognize the failures and weaknesses of the human condition and still find a way to give your life meaning i want something that words can't describe give me sensation, make me whole or elusive care or not care i need absolute truths, colored in moments television life lie everyone is so isolated consciousness is a curse i don't wish i was dead, but i do wish living didn't take so much energy it's the simple things that get me homework, shower, make the bed all i can seem to do is sit and sometimes even that gets too overwhelming