if the two of us met again for the first time I really hope you would like me I hope you could look into my eyes and see someone fascinating the girl who illuminates every room a radiation of rainbow color there's a lightness in my heart that has replaced all that aching a silver lining stitched in where I only saw grey i thought just because you wouldn't say it aloud anymore, that meant you didn't mean it that love just like flowers blooms and blossoms and shrivels into brown dried weakness, crush able, unrenewed but i was wrong i didn't know how to look at the world through a window i saw it too widely, too many other eyes looking over my shoulder but now, in that faded evening purple, i realize words aren't always enough that sometimes a phone call where you were so sure i'd answer at three in the morning is more than enough to let me know how you feel and though the words may carve letters in my chest may hide inside of tear drops, reflecting softly at the bottom it's ok i know better now i saved my tears this time i smiled and i laughed and i meant every word you were hurting and you called me it doesn't matter what we didn't say i always think about the last time i saw you how i collapsed into your chest, just melted and made you carry me i was a burden you already had a broken wing it wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine but you couldn't shoulder my sadness and that's why you stayed away you say you're worse but i don't know if i believe you i think you must be ok you wouldn't have called otherwise i think it would have hurt you to let me down but i hope i can see you soon all i want is an hour a conversation about the meaning of life and maybe one last kiss so i can taste the words you wont say and swallow them forever

Well, just remember you're the master of your own universe. The one thing in this world you get to control is the way you feel, so treasure it. Don't give in. You're as strong as you want to be. If you find yourself going down a path in your mind that's harmful, decide to turn around. That's exactly what I said I remember every word and how strange it was too, having words like that to give me,playing at experienced for once not the injured party, desperately begging i have never ended a conversation so close to totally satisfied most of your words reveal so little about who you are they are over thought, contrived, sentences structures pre audited in your brain but every now and then you get a spark of raw genuis, pure qualia, that speaks volumes that says what you stand for, what you care about what do you care about? it took me years to figure out how much this simple question even mattered how it becomes everything to define you, keep your fingers typing when you come home from a coke binge instead of watching tv the tears in your eyes at the perfect lyric, the chord struck exactly to resonate with your heart strings, the pulls of every lost lover and friend the memories you cross over too frequently,even while you are alive and present in knowing that you were here and a part of this period of time, this music revolution in blacklights and neon with combat boots, running with girls who call them selves pirate and are anything but scared it took 20 years, but now i see happy doesn't come right out and announce itself, poke you in the rib cage you have to search for it it hides in the corners of your eyelids, just out of vison so you have to really focus really sit and find it, let your experiences speak for themselves once upon a time, i told myself that the definition meant facing yourself in a mirror, catching your eyes off guard so you almost look like someone else then you repeat the words "I am living the life of my dreams and this is exactly what I've always wanted' and you'll know they'lleither ring true, move you to tears, make your heart expand inside your chest as it gives love and food to every mistake and regreat and leap of faith and decision it took you to get just where you're standing no more no less exactly in your space and if it isn't true, that's ok too just keep searching find out what you care about, and i mean really care in the most lasting pervasive kind of way the dream will come and it will show you all of the vibes and energies you never noticed before breathe deeply feed into them and eventually, your wish will be granted

And so tomorrow I'm sleeping with my television on I understand the fear of all that silence all the space above your bed transforms into a darkness that might as well be made of iron, you just feel so closed in and then there's all the inner noise your voice inside your head, saying all the words your mouth couldn't form all the fears from your day you tried to graze over all the echoes, all the shadows, all the sad songs on the radio thoughts that have an extra energy, a special jolt in the way they invade no matter how tired you are, closed eyes are the best you can do restless body, tossing, thrashing sheets and comforters being no comfort at all you need skin, human contact you need it to reassure you you are still awake that there is a distinction between this and the fantasy of dreaming can your reality be a nightmare? or would that imply it's something passing, over in a matter of minutes if he were here i wouldn't be so unsure if i had a whisper in my air, stubble scratching my lips then I'm sure I'd know the difference

keep the blood in your head and your feet on the ground it's all about momentum don't look at the clock, there are no more hours we have until infinity I danced and danced, energy enveloping everyone's bodies warping together hands arms legs, doesn't matter pupils dilated, smiles burning bright like laser lights flashing over sweaty skin, tingling vibration blind with eyes wide open in thick white smoke my own private island, exploding with sound i couldn't help but smile when he took my hands he was feeding me electricity bitter chemicals washed down with a fire a laugh a kiss sex on the dance floor we were young and free and filled with a fantasy two feet away from the world's most famous most of all, i recall our connection unspoken, unquantified, a nameless entity dangerous grounds a girl holding a heart that doesn't belong to her should never be so reckless i let myself fall in lust here he was, crafting a force field Brian always wanted to talk about it he never asked me for anything i can't help wondering how much I made up how much was the shimmer and shine of a bliss tinted universe? and how much was reality? do you believe in trusting strangers? in hoping with time they will become your friends? i had a hunch that keeps replaying we ran in the rain the water froze my bones just see what happens let the truth find itself

"My name is pirate mannequin, and I am anything but scared," her voice drifted down to us through the echos in the air, mixing with the metalic sound of her coin skirt clinking. We looked up in awe and just marveled at her. There she stood, posed like a flamingo, all skin and bones and short blond hair. Almost like a model, but her pose suggested a certain flexibility and virility, an excitement for the moment. "Look around," she said, gesturing a candy colored sleeve around the small tent. "This isn't like a normal store. Here we welcome trades and negotiations. Everyone leaves happy," My eyes took in all the patterns, neon and tie dye dominating every wall. Two tables filled with jewelery, pipes, and flowers cluttered the room. I ran my fingers over a necklace with a clear glass orb in the middle.The frenzy of squiggles seemed vibrantly alive, pulsing with intensity. "Incredible" I whispered. "Just two dollars, hun" she said. I handed her the money unhesitatingly. "This place is awesome!" exclaimed Grace, choosing a matching necklace for herself. "I hand make almost everything you see here. This is my passion," Pirate smiled and I felt a strange warmth ignite around me. I was inexplicably drawn, focusing in on every word. She had an electric charisma, almost like a bolt of lightening. It seemed it was only in this holiday world that one could find people so captivating. "This is my third festival this month. Next week I go to Tennessee, and then upstate after that. You guys going to any more festivals this summer? I'd love to see you again," even though she didn't know us, this strange sincerity flowed through her voice. "Wow! You're so cool!" Grace told her. "This is our first music festival," I said. "Oh wonderful! Are you having fun?" Fun didn’t even begin to cover it. It was only the second day and I already felt like a new hope for the world had sprouted up in me. I didn’t realize places like this even existed, that if you looked hard enough you could find peace in love in 21st century America. Camp Bisco was exactly how I imagined Woodstock to be, except better. Better because I was actually there, in a physical place, instead of making up stories in my head. Here was my first real life experience, a time I felt shockingly and overwhelmingly alive. It was me and my friend, two 18 year old girls, and we had no idea of the mindfuck we were about to explore. “Let me know if you girls need anything. I’d be happy to help you out,” Other customers hurried in and out, crazy flower children barefoot in the dirt. I stared at all of the people, so many faces with far away eyes. Everybody was really lost in their own bizarre world. Grace and I thanked Pirate and left the tent, half skipping down the main road. “I think I’m starting to feel it,” Grace said a little while later. I stopped and stared at the grass. The emerald hue seemed to explode off each blade, and the roots ran over and under one another. I nodded and pointed at the grass. “It’s growing,” The two of us laughed and laughed and twirled around on the open field until we were too dizzy to stand. We collapsed to the ground and the sun poured a golden light, painting my pale skin. “Let’s walk,” I said after a while, having no concept of how long we had been laying down. Other people were starting to move toward the concert venues, talking and dancing excitedly. They were all so colorful, not just in their clothing and glow sticks, but something in the air that flowed overhead. I saw an aura of sorts, the daunting lavender of a thunderstorm sky, blazing in long streams of electrical current. I wondered how many of them were tripping as well, and if perhaps this small plot of land contained a true sense of the divine. There was magic here, a carefree spell, where reality felt miles and miles behind. As we walked, I began to feel a floating sensation, as if I was walking on water. There we were, so small, lost in a big crowd with no destination. The ground slid smoothly under my feet and I imagined there was no better moment possible for anything. We were at the brink of perception and all the doors opened widely.

"Am I allowed to be a real person?" I needed a real answer,all the right words I have never felt so invisible he closed the door to protect me that kind of question was not ok he didn't want anyone to hear, to see that i was unraveling that their unkindness held a power I just couldn't get it out from under my skin I cried as the music played, eyes closed and heart open dripping everywhere, hidden in my room which wasn't really mine a house but not a home "be happy with me! be happy!" I couldn't help it my hurt soaked through all the muscle fibers and i just kept thinking how? how does this happen? how do the people you trust break your heart and not even really notice I have always been one to come up with a plan I wanted the solution before the next problem, so that this would never happened again but there didn't seem to be an easy fix you let people into your life and sometimes they turn against you a necessary risk it seemed so unavoidable I leaned into him, depending promise of forever and I hoped we could keep it as the patterns on the ceiling started to warp, and the melody of the Beatles spun like sugar in the air I made myself stop calm inner peace all the love in my heart could not be unhinged we danced like children, night fairies with wings The trees were bold and sharp, and I breathed in my childhood Florida nights with beautiful weather that's what I had come here for When you leave behind the only person who has ever truly known you you leave behind yourself As I walked to and from my classes, headphones on, feet steadily moving I had never in my life felt so invisible I was here, but not really nobody knew me as I defined myself in my head I practiced silence, even as I danced around in my high heels and make up Nobody knew I'd rather be at home and even if they did, they certainly didn't care It had been ages since i'd written, months and months of unused monologue echoing inside my head I didn't want it on paper because I was scared scared it wouldn't come out right, scared it would look different from another angle that maybe on paper, I would no longer be the victim that it would be all my fault and I could see that spelled clearly in between every word people are like planets, you need a thick skin it was true, but my skin felt like tissue paper No matter how I twisted it, I couldn't get the unkindness out of my head I didn't know how to fix this anger from nowhere, directionless and devastating No matter how much you try to live around it, pretend it isn't happening, it's so prevalent it created a heavy fog around my world and I felt my shoulders droop in surrender I didn't believe in standing up for myself nobody would listen anyway and all that yelling shattering the space between my bones well, I simply couldn't bear it All I needed was my own world I ducked inside my head for hours at a time, wishing perhaps for somebody to join me I tried so hard to melt the pain, to forgive and forgive and forgive It eroded me washed me away how do you smile when there is a toxin in your breath, infiltrating into everything? I wanted a bubble protection from betrayal, from broken trust instead I had a bedroom without a door, orders written on post it notes these were the consequences of my actions after all, I had chosen this I could have lived alone Maybe it will get better or maybe I'll just learn to shut it out that's why I'm focusing on my own world, rebuilding i need an identity i need to feel allowed to exist I always forget that I am an artist, that I will always have my words for company here are my meaningful conversations here is everything I fear the most

When the doors of perception are cleansed everything would appear to man as it is-infinite I had created a life inside of a fog that made the real world almost unbearable when i wasn't lost inside my head and i took the time to listen, i often found that other people's conversations seemed to blow right past me, to pertain only to a certain sect of individuals i was not a part of these were the drinkers of the world, the loud girls and merrymakers pretending a situation was all that it wasn't needing attention and eyes to feed and grow they needed new places with old faces to them, this counted as "doing something" they needed company to waste the time where as i much prefered to wast it alone i believed firmly in the idea of routine if you practice anything enough, engrave it into your life you can be totally in control so every summer day, as soon as my parents went to work, i sat down on the swing on the side of my house to start my day off with a purpose i loved watching the smoke woosh past me as it joined the wind, taking my fears and pains across the skyline with it as i breathed in, i felt a calm embody me, wrap it's fingers through my own and make me safe i loved this new vision, this sense of alignment i no longer resented time trapping me into the most empty corners, laughing at my as i tried to escape it's grasps and find the meaning now i thanked it instead, for the time to think and breathe, for the certain charmed quality my life held that allowed so many stolen moments like this i felt stronger, surer more grateful to be alive so that's what i did, day in and day out in hopes that i could replace all the parts of me dark and twisted with a new found chemical optimism

She was literally binging on sleep. Twelve hours, sometimes fourteen. She could get in bed and close her eyes and no matter how many times she promised, alarm calls only came as a slight interruption. She would walk in a dream state across the room and turn it off, gliding expertly through her own space in the dark. This room had been hers forever. She knew the location of everything, all the right places to step. So when she wound up back over by the light switch, debating flipping it on, or just crawling back in, she almost always chose the later. Darkness she knew how to hide in. Darkness meant you were supposed to be asleep, or at least supposed to be alone. Day time frightened her in the summer. How could anyone possibly fill all those empty hours. She watched a lot of movies. So many, in fact, that her own life started to become unreal. All her friends and family became characters, she herself the protagonist. When things made her upset, she just took a step back and the directors took over. If you don’t make your own decisions, eventually someone else will chose for you. She forced herself to say yes to all the invitations, to drag her weak and unconditioned body into someone else’s situations. It was another way of killing time, a way no one really questioned. Teenagers hang out with their friends. Mostly, they either drank or smoked weed. Drinking made her sick, but smoking-well that had sort of become her new thing. Highness in itself posed a challenge. By definition, being high made you awkward and clumsy, but it also made you calm. She liked the calm. She always felt so much more centered, like her focus of the world extended beyond her tiny life. She thought about society and normalcy and how strange it was that there really was a correct way to do absolutely everything. Washing your hands for exactly twenty seconds. Folding your shirts with the sleeves tucked under. Most people did things the fast way, hardly paying attention to their actions. But she wanted to take the time, to perfect every detail. The charmed quality her life had fascinated her. How could so many people be enslaved or abused or starving, while all the world asked of her was to not get arrested. Her responsibilities were so minimal. You’d think she could get out of bed and enjoy all the free time her beautiful life had to offer. But no. She couldn’t do it. The fact was she was lonely and bored and terrified of being lost. Lost in a generation filled with distractions upon distractions to keep anyone from truly examining the quality of their own existence. No one cared about polyphasic sleep or self actualization or even having meaningful conversations. No one except her and a bunch of wack jobs and weirdos as her parents would say. They didn’t want her to be an independent thinker. Her mom would ship her off to rehab faster than you could marijuana if she ever discovered how much fucking weed her daughter smoked on a daily basis. Over Christmas break, in a flash of bravery, she had gotten the most incredible tattoo. It was a window overlooking a lake scene, the purples and mauves of night sky recreated on the back of her neck. She had a hard time explaining the meaning behind it, just because so many people thought the concept too odd to grasp. It was meant to signify leaving through the window. Crawling quietly outside alone to that calming space and no one would even notice. Her parents didn’t know about the tattoo. She wore her hair down every day to cover it, to keep her life aligned in the manner she had become accustomed too. And honestly, although her parents would have cringed at a butterfly on her hip, or a rose on her ankle, they would have gotten over it. But a fucking half open window with an empty lake-well that was just bizarre.

maybe it was just the dark that I was afraid of maybe it had nothing to do with lack of motivation or commitment or a fear of drowning in too much time it could have just been the environment the physical lack of brightness producing a natural human response when the world is dark, we sleep there is no point in opening our eyes when shutting existence out for a while always felt so comforting but i want to be a special girl i want to be the only one awake a strange creature thriving in a secret world of her own i imagine writings, texts, hundreds and thousands of all the right words i could learn a new language i could read about movements, watch idealistic documentaries all on my own time with no one awake to break the spell and yet, i struggle getting out of bed to silence the alarm, freezing in the still air, there is nothing in me that sees the point why should i need so much time when everyone else was content? why did i have to pretend i was invincible, that all the normal human weaknesses did not thrive inside my blood no, in the night, the only thing i could truly feel was desire and that was simply for sleep

one morning she woke up believing in love and the next she woke up holding the ashes a fire once burned here, terrifying and beautiful it painted her world in the darkest crimson red orange heat wavy outlines and steam and smoke until all of a sudden she only shivered and cold and darkness swept over everything so that all the lightness seemed beyond gone, almost as though the very concept of sight was a part of her dream at first she felt desecrated, like an entire battlefield of slain men had replaced her soul she couldn't move or speak every time she tried to think, her mind froze coldness from the lost drenched her skin and bones twirled a nest in her hair and just sat she tried very hard to fight the feeling, pretending she was not shivering behind her smile wishing that the heat and passion she saw on movies and real life still belonged to her and sometimes, when she became most careless most caught up in the fabrications of her friends lives she was able to forget all about the fire forget that there had ever been a time of light and warmth and safety and that really she was a good girl and she would be alright without it but then came the nights where all her memories would swell and drone like a swarm of bees inside her brain and she cried out loud hysterical sobs just to try and fall inside but no matter how hurt she was and how much she missed the fire he remained entirely indifferent for a year this went on the girl lived a pretend life of forced smiles and mysterious sadness while the fire had let himself burn down into something that couldn't warm even the smallest most pathetic creature, not even someone as scared and desperate as the girl and then one day, the girl finally realized she had to make a decision she was just so tired of sobbing, so tired of living for something that no longer existed she had to start a new stage of her life that embraced the cold and darkness, that was free of needing something else at first it was really terrifying she had always counted on her thoughts of the past to keep her safe when she felt lonely now she could no longer allow herself to feel the dull ache of regret dwelling in her bones many times, she wanted to go back to dreaming but some self preservation instinct stopped her and through that time she learned something very important about herself :even more than she wanted the fire back to comfort her, she truly just wanted to be happy and so she dug down into the cavern of her soul and cleared away those dying soldiers to reveal a clean field of grass, fresh from a new season she planted flowers to bring color, blue violet pops of yellow, bursting from the thriving ground she organized her bedroom so everything had its place she thought more about how lucky she was to have such a loving family and less about what other people thought of her slowly but surely, she built a new life for herself, until finally all the coldness and dark was once again removed except this time, the warmth and the light were not from an outside source not from someone who could break their promises, who could burn out and disappear no, this time the fire came from inside her, and she finally had a solid place to stand on she had transformed a broken heart into a thing of love and capacity it was only now, when she could take a step back and look at all she accomplished that she realized she was very close to happy