tiredness it sits on top of my eyes like a fog, making the world seem obscure it's a feeling i could do without, but for now i need it for now it is my evidence, my substantial proof of motivation what we have here is not a normal teenage girl see this one thinks she's worth saving this one doesn't want to be forgotten maybe if i save up enough interesting facts, i can make them replace some of the hollowness in my head all the cavernous unused space allows the same concepts to swirl around, over and over, with no solutions to make them disappear for years i have been dwelling on regret and loss, allowing old stale memories to taint the freshness of a new day everyone has some sort of ultimate truth about themselves locked away inside the subconscious these are the things you can;t admit, ideas that have flickered across your mind but never stopped to land i look very hard to understand the people who have let me into their lives and because of this, i sometimes notice things i probably shouldn't i don't know my own ultimate truth, but i have seen the way the concept works i watch movies to learn about society the way we interact, our relationships strike me as something uniquely fascinating who we attach ourselves to and why and how is almost as important as who we are alone

no matter how much time passes, i just can't seem to lose the trace of you you're everywhere my memories my present infiltrating everything all my new experiences interpreted with a glimmer of your cynicism every little comment gets inside my head i forget which words were mine, are mine and which ones came from you i question everything that once locked me safe in my perfect charmed life my heart is bleeding out of control i never knew it was possible to contain this much defeat for so long you'd think it would morph somehow, evaporate into something lighter, less cumbersome the problem is i know the right answer it just comes at too high a cost we were beautiful and young and perfectly in love no matter the other facts, i have to keep repeating that one i can't let you mar my memories can't let the sting of your coolness in response to my hysteria come anymore as a surprise we will always love each other in a distant sense that requires no more than a worded commitment no matter how worked up i get, i can't seem to make you move for you, the book is closed we had a run but now we have too many miles better to just turn back we're both so locked in our own paces this can't be done together we need some me in here fuck all that shit about team work i need to get on the defensive

my heart had emptied out of my chest it had ozed through the spaces in my ribs in tiny little fractions infectious goo, human waste alive with blood and dreams it had ceased to stay grounded the weightlessness tore it apart i think lack of direction with the feeling of not want encompassing everything good there's no wonder it just melted down to something rotten so now i have this infection streaming through me and i don't know how to live around it every time i get an idea of the right thing, my motivation is overpowered wake up early, i think go to the gym or i could just sleep my life away or i could just starve myself, cheat my body into being skinny whichever hurts less whichever takes the least out of me the motivation has evaporated, along with the power i let everything happen around me you don't have to be the protagonist of your own story when things get too hard, just take a step back and watch... it's just like a movie eventually, the conflict is resolved time is ignorant of the way you feel you either figure it out or you die it's that simple so the way i have dealt with my liquid heart is by assimilating forming into the shape of a perfect miami girl there are no colors in my hair i talk only about people, about parties, about places you only wish you could get inside i sound like a stupid snob and i know it there are no ideas floating in my head worthy of discussion i don't have the time to myself to think them up every waking moment i feel like i am always in someone else's situation places where i have no control of setting, of frame of mind there has been so much smoke the past few days i hardly even believe in anything but the high i try to be the friend that i would like to have i give so much to make everyone else happy they use me and i watch others notice there is such shame associated with being a door matt i feel as though it's too late to start standing up for myself the strikes are already there i will give until i have nothing left and they'll just have to devour me whole but this is not the life i want for myself even if my dreams are crusted in the curves of my bones, i still remember how vibrant they used to be i wanted to be different happy and healthy and strong and calm i wanted colors in my hair and ideas in my head the girl that matt fell madly in love with the girl ben recognizes as someone good and pure i am sick of being a heart breaker of surrounding myself with people who have cruel intentions, who wish only to harm i want to help fill the world with lightness bring forth everything hidden inside of me make now my perfect moment i don't want to spend the whole night sleeping i need the time to value the world and the life that i have been given i am so lucky to be alive no matter what, i carry that fact with me, tight to my chest, and use it as my shield every experience is only an interpretation, every truth a perception of reality i am not my reputation i am a bead of light, like everyone else, that flickers for eighty something years, and then just as suddenly dims i am part of a collective consciousness i fear deeply for my own generation, for the excess of free time, for the endless number of distractions where will we fall in the history of man kind, in an ever changing complex societal structure culture is the human buffer to the environment it's the way we deal with messy parts of the world and wrap it up into nice tight boxes if you've ever thought about it, there really is a right way to do everything how important is it to watch your actions, to take the time and care needed to go through every motion and moment with perfection? these are the questions we battle with every day this is the subconscious, all the tiny choices that are made without true conviction most people have no idea what it is that keeps them alive the mind is a fascinating thing and i have watched mine tilt and twirl on the edge of madness i have chosen not to fall in, to walk away and find a nice stable place right at the center and maybe it's not too late for my heart maybe if i concentrate i can locate all the pieces bring them back together make myself whole again and willing to try so here is my statement piece the mess in my head translated into something concise whenever i get lost, i will re read these words and remember that we are all made of glass accepting failure is not the answer it's sad, but we are chastised so much more by out mistakes than rewarded by our successes so make the little triumphs count let the not want feeling drift into thin air no one really cares who you become nearly as much as you protect yourself treasure your desires and motivation don't put off dreams to some random magical date where you will just wake up and the world will feel whole trust me, it's not that easy it's step by step like building a puzzle i'll take every piece of me and rearrange it until finally i can look in the mirror and say i am living the life of my dreams and this is exactly what i've always wanted

don't be so afraid of failure that it's not even worth it to try you never know how the words will come out until they are so far down the page it seems insincere to delete them i write because: i used to have reasons i used to have big dreams made of crisp sky molecules and paper mache things change time shoves you to places you never thought you'd go like the end of your freshman year for instance where it's 6:30 in the morning and the only thing you've done a shitload of is coke i can't study anymore my brain feels numb from lack of caring go to sleep it says wake up and fix things when its light outside no wait i need to focus on this on something important to me doesn't that sound like the right thing to do?

For once, the lack of sleep is natural i have never felt so drugged while sober i am switching to a polyphasic sleep schedule called SPAMAYL 20 min naps, atleast 40 min apart surprisingly im not exhausted and i haven't even fucked it up yet the extra time to myself tonight has been strange how many things can you possibly fill your life with until you've had your share? i watched a lot of music videos surfed the web, read a book is this better use of my time than sleeping? i'd like to think so its just another way of pushing my body proving i am extraordinary that i can survive and excel with a method that is rejected by the norm my tiny ways of escaping construct here all alone in the night i am sure i got into a fight with brian today he yelled at me and it popped my bubble i felt scared and naked i wanted everything to go away it was because i don't stand up for myself i let everyone walk all over me with the biggest smile on my face i care, but i have to pretend i don't i have no energy to fight i'd rather have friends who use me than no friends at all

the desk is clean and the halls are quiet if you didn't know you never would have guessed i don't look like the kind of girl who would i am quiet and shy i blend into walls in corners sometimes i amaze myself with how well i disappear but the truth is, if i had my way I'd have kept the colors in my hair it just ended up not working out something about a metamorphosis i am now playing a part i no longer fit i have never believed in excess i am always calculated, i think ahead there are times when enough is enough enough sleep, enough food, enough crying alone in your bed it amazes me that there are people in this world who seem to know no boundaries they just consume no thought involved not every action has to be painstaking 100 dollars of chemicals keeping me wide awake i didn't need it i didn't even really want it but it was there and it was offered so i took it that's what i used to think i would always do given the opportunity, i should have gone overboard but i didn't realize the way that all the ups and downs change you when i was tripping, it wasn't introspective it was weird and obscure and for the longest time i just had no idea what i truly wanted we wandered for hours, a band of magical nymphs casting waves to shake lakes and winds to sweep away everything fleeting moments everchanging time will go on no matter how you push or resist it i did neither i floated on my back until it carried me to the shore maybe its weakness maybe its just the cost of over analyzing to a point where i have nothing more to say on reality towards the end though, i had a moment millisecond clarity just one complete thought happy and healthy and strong and calm the perfect balance these were the things i needed to collect in order to feel okay this year has turned my body into a wasteland once upon a time, i was strong and motivated now i can't remember the last time i could run i am weak and i feel it my stomach knows it it won't let me eat it fears that everything i don't need will spread like a virus to the rest of me i have lost 5 pounds of strictly muscle mass there is a need to recondition to convince myself that throwing up is NOT normal that recovering a few pieces of my old life might make my new one a little easier "you ruined everything"he told me once i laughed at that what a lofty statement like one single person could possibly carry that much blame like i was willing to tote it around on my shoulders until it crushed me and i had to go running back i didn't ruin everything i didn't even ruin part of it my memories are all separate, isolated incidents as time has passed, the screaming has silenced its the love and laughter my mind has embellished upon most i miss you i always will i hope you'll tell me if things get not okay keep going keep trying and eventually time will take us to the shores of everything we ever worked for

you wrote me a story about dying i had nothing to say in return to be honest, i haven't been writing much most of it has been about you or nothing I'm not sure if there's a clear topic distinction when my bloodstream surges and electricity pulses through the ends of my fingers, i know my words on the page will stick shine black against an illumination we were real and beautiful and young and now I'm trying to start over i am in love again but it's not carefree i am cautious i question i prepare myself inside my head for the inevitable eventually, he will leave and maybe then you will come back or you will find someone else or we will both wander lost feeding on philosophies until we're both so lonely we just have to let it be i never imagined someone would call me intoxicating the me i created in my head matched the girl who laughed in front of you and i don't think this is true of anyone else maybe this summer I'll see you again and i know if i do just like last time my heart will break and my eyes will pour and everything in me will mesh until my head and your chest are one and the same and it will be fascinating at least until you leave then i'm not so sure how it will be me cleaning up all the wreckage of the aftermath would i throw away everything i have for you? you keep asking me to i'm not sure why i thought that ship had sailed on but regardless of you i have some self improvement to do so that maybe i can walk into a room and be perceived as intoxicating without the whole mess of falling in love

So who's to say you can't wake up one morning and decide to change your life around and i mean really change it one hundred percent commitment like putting your foot down, taking a stand and saying "hey i'm not fucking happy here and this isn't hwo i want to be" it's incredibly hard to let people down just by surrounding yourself with people, you create all these assumptions maybe things you didn't even know you were maybe things you never thought you could stop being in any group, you become your singular identity for instance, i am always the sweetest girl i don't argue i never have strong opinions i always seem to want what makes the most people happy but sometimes, all i want is to fucking scream and tell them all how much better i deserve even though no one will listen i'm terrified of being alone i need someone to take care of me always i need a guiding figure in my life and that's why i have brian math like that should scare me but it doesnt i have laready had my heart shattered so now i know im capable of recovery i allow myself to envision a life of stasis here i am inside his arms i make him promise because i think it's amusing matt said he wouldn't leave either and now look how far away he's gotten i know it's unlikely that brian will stay but that doesn't matter now i've learned to view time as an un-graspable entity the only certainty is the present memory lies, the future evades we are here and now and that's all there is too it we have had other moments we will have other moments so whenever i feel like i'm dropping i just close my eyes and wait

I feel like i spend too much time waiting for other people for exciting things to happen it's like i'm uncomfortable out in the open on a couch in the lobby, exposed everyone can pass and see me all alone that girl with no friends i do have friends or at least i think i do but the silences are so strained i can't connect don't know what to talk about so i guess i'd rather be alone? boyfriend is incredible im afraid he'll get sick of me and then i'll have no one

i wished for no one, swinging on playgrounds rubber, sand, too hot metal childhood relived, except so much bigger i wanted to be there i wasn't missing out somewhere else