strangers on the internet can't give me the answers no matter how much i write, how much i plead and beg the decision is already burning inside of me i want to be in boston i want to be where you are but what i'm willing to give for that is so questionable and you you trapped inside the box of no emotion is it comfortable in there? is it safe? because this light and this room and every window in the world just looks perfect for leaving i have cried enough tears to drown an ocean i am made for you i just know you are my happiness you are my world entire and i miss you so much that miss isn;t even the word i need you every time we talk i break im so sure i want out of here, out of this mirror, out of this make believe life i have cleverly crafted i can't fool myself my whole heart is missing please come back stroke my hair and make me smile give me something i might just fall to pieces

so much ecstasy in my system little pills, green ones, white ones being alive with purpose connected to something it felt like ten minutes there's no way that i passed through 4 hours of time

my life, the correct way has so much predictability this is not a coincidence years of practice have taught me to engineer it this way i do it because if everything should suddenly fall apart i'll always have a routine to hide inside while i put it back together i dream about cocaine and car crashes these should be my nightmares i watch movies about addicts and all i think is how? how does one get to that breaking point? where is that specific thread of fate to cut so that moving forward no longer matters i went to sleep last night looking harder to see the value i wanted passion i only got a warm body maybe safety is more important still haven't talked to matt still not in love with living still not afraid still not secure i want to be on the fucking edge of happiness give me peaks give me downfalls i reject the ordinary i don't want to be happy i'd rather be experienced

so let's say that the mind is made of memory think of it like building blocks, little pieces you can actually manipulate say that everything builds on one another some fracture here at the beginning makes a weak base for the end but eventually you get this building block tower and then you start another story and another until eventually you get this memory city think new york skyline, everything huge and toppling onto one another it's overwhelming you look up and can't see the top like being trapped inside a cube only the space inside is your life and all the walls of mistakes and memories are too tall to get out of so since you can't escape you explore you start on the closest lowest floors the easiest places think disney world, think swing sets and sand boxes the places seem bright, like they might have been happy but it's so small and far removed you can hardly remember it was good you guess but not pulling or intoxicating enough to hold you forever you need more a stronger sensation so you scavenge climb over all the debris, the torn up floor boards dilapidated stairways and finally you are in a place of intensity where once you felt safe but now the rush is over and the ruins are such an insult you hate that it's over you won't accept that it's gone you pull at the lose threads, as if you will rip out something whole and new it's so frustrating, but you just can't give up the tears erode you you become your grief, wear it proudly like a fur coat it's cruel and ugly, but you cherish it you need to otherwise your torso feels so empty and shivering has never shaken you more eventually through, you start to wonder if maybe you could start something new rebuild on a different level start a new floor or maybe even a whole new building and this one could be beautiful maybe even fantastical you start to get excited for the first time in a while it's nice, almost familiar until you see how flat the ground is there's so much work to do maybe you should just try to salvage the old place after all, it was once so beautiful you look at the ugly walls now, but that trace is still there there was magic here, an incredible purity you feel it in your heart, in your skin, in your fucking hairline you need this to stay who said you couldn't have both so that's what you decide to do you start building anew and it's slow but you have an old haunt to go to when you get too scared and this new place, it's looking better and better everyday and the old is starting to look even more worn down maybe you should just bulldoze over it convince your heart to re-record but wait this is not about buildings this is not about walls or floors, or blocks this is about falling in love about keeping memories separate about learning to create enough space in your heart for more than one simple story here is the moment here is now you can keep the old connection as long as you'd like treasure it have a level to aspire to but remember the flaws nothing was perfect but all in all, it was pretty amazing i will always love you matt, just the way you were but now is my new day and i'm sincerely trying to focus on rebuilding

you know what i want? perfect realistic scenario: we have an amazing summer go to the beach sing on picnic tables remember what it's like to feel intoxicated with something good and pure i'm not talking the drugs those aren't reality you are not something i need to escape from every moment with my head held into your chest have always been my strongest i love you i need you i always have and when we talk like it's last year, i feel better like who i used to be not this miami fake bitch not this used up empty heart so i'll try my best bring you back with me and for a few days, after all my begging you finally say okay you let yourself fall you breathe me in and i watch you smile we are incredible i'm safe so safe so strong and then and then you tell me your life blew up you say don't text or call until i contact you but that was on friday and im so worried and hurt that you won't answer did i do something? do i deserve this? everytime i call i know im ruining it so i wont but its getting harder too long apart and just when we were making such good progress so i guess i'll wait no one else cares i'll wake up every morning with fingers crossed and dream of you before i sleep i hope you're okay i'm sorry if it's all my fault i only wanted both of us to be happy

i'm done i've said that before, but this time i mean it or atleast i hope i do i really fucking hope so because i dont know how many more missed calls i can take when you need only the tiniest drop of affection to make you feel completely safe everything inside me sort of melts and sinks when i can't even make you feel anything past tense is an incredible thing she loves makes me feel weightless she loved and thats just it- i can't get the memories out of my head when you call your best friend and he's always busy its probably a sign he wants you to drift away so give him what he wants love from a distance let him hold it inside himself and contaminate it with random sluts and other toxins that's only his half he didn't take yours you still have that love curled up somewhere safe inside your being that you water and care for everyday with tears and thoughts of used to be i bet he doesn't even remember anymore i bet you're the only keeper so what about this, a new resolution your new boyfriend is so wonderful he holds you when you cry he pets your head until you feel better all the things that matt used to do key words: used to as in: no longer as in:completely irrelevant you need a new safe place because yours has been burned down, and it's clearly plain stupid to go sit in a pile of ashes while it's raining and expect to stay dry brian will save you he sees that you are wonderful and beautiful just because matt broke his promise doesn't mean everybody will there have to be some truth tellers amongst all the liars and you're so fucking lucky you know you are he's such a sweet heart everything genuine you wish you could be and yet you fuck it up you cheat, you lie, you flirt but honestly, when i said i really cared today, i swear to god i meant it goodbye matt i can't give you anymore of me without anything in return i love you, and i might forever, but someday when you need it the most when you remember to feel, when you're in my place it just might have been forgotten so for now i'll just give my best shot at happy and you do whatever the fuck it is that makes you so unbroken

memories i used to believe that was all we were made of your best moments, mostly used up its like the way a post it note starts to dry out the stickiness losens and losens until its eventually just a useless piece of paper and you have to throw it out i always try to go back in my head recall sensations long past i read old love letters and cry as if that will help bring back last year, as though sadness and regret parallel love even though i never feel better after, always just more tired there are so many mixed views on which moments to live in should i think ahead, or fall into my past is living every moment presently effective, or just plain ignorant? so i'll go for that i hold my new boyfriend like he's the key to my happiness like i could recreate matt, have that same heart collide connection take what you have and turn it into something you were missing so i guess that's what i'll do

Count down to midnight and im so far away a phone call would probably go unanswered so is there even a point in trying? i can't help myself i know its destructive maybe if i only aspire for the impossible at least i'll know the outcomes too much tv and not enough sleep i wish i had an off switch i wish every time i closed my eyes i could make myself unconscious when the present makes me empty i fill my head with memories not good enough i know but its the best i've got i feel so dissatisfied for no reason i need some sleep i need some love or happiness i dont know so ill just drift away into my shallow beautiful sunshine

Somebody once told me that the you in your head and the you in the world are essentially identical. No matter how blaring the differences seem, its completely irrelevant. If you walk around with a smile and tell everyone you're happy, it makes it so. The less you allow your consciousness to dwell on the inside, the better actor you become. And since no one can see into your head, no matter how many different ways you try to explain it, thoughts become secondary to actions. You are who they say you are. You can't be the big man on campus unless everyone agrees you are the big man on campus. This goes for everything. You can't be the sweetest, prettiest, most interesting girl no matter how much you lie in your head. Reality and truth is a shared perception. And finally, instead of fighting, i decided to just dive in. When I was younger, I wanted only to be invisible. I noticed something very important about the way people work: flaws stand out much more than excellence. If I woke up early, did all my homework, dressed in the outfits from magazines, i could simply fade away. The me in my head dismissed the world, like it was a place i was only visiting. I didn't know how to be any sort of self, so i hid instead of trying. For years I lived my life like a science experiment, denying wants and fears. I was as close to perfect as humanly possible. And still I wasn't happy Falling in love is the connection that dragged me out of my head. Suddenly, someone thought i was better than ordinary. That the person i hid for fear of being strange was present. I existed. I was here and alive and for the first time i loved it. I made friends. I started fights. The schedules, the bizarre sleep hours slowly drifted away. i found myself normalizing. Falling into the patterns of gossip and unkindness of everyone around me. When i hurt inside, i dismissed it. Being alone was terrifying, because that was when i thought the most. When love left, i felt simply useless. Long gone were the pieces of me striving to be invisible. I had felt something beautiful and it had led to a train wreck. I became submissive. I followed. I assumed my wants and desires were definitively wrong. I had messed up so bad existing the first time, all my confidence collected and ran away. That was when i started writing. When the me in my head and the me in the world seemed like total strangers. There are horrible names that come with being a plaything. Slut and whore weighed me down in a way i still can't grasp years later. I felt hollow and weak. I was bored and helpless. I needed somebody to save me again. I returned to love with an attitude of gratefulness. The need was understood. You were almost doing me a favor. I don't know how we got so lost and twisted. We were young I guess. Maybe it was too much hope. We lost control and again the spiral shifted downward. This time it didn't hurt as much. I had braced myself for the fall.

tonight is an adderall night i can already tell my day is halfway over and i slept through almost all of it last night i was so bored my cheeks hurt from fake smiling i have no interest in branching out if you can't help me, don't tell me your name save it for someone different we had a rave in my room before we went out just two lines of molly is enough to make you dance all that height distances between you and the floor, you and each other wider wider wider until it all becomes a big glow in the dark blur such a teaser too short an escape so impossible to go from there to jungle juice and loser frat boys but we tried because staying in is lame and we had our fingers crossed that tonight would be incredible and it wasn't and i tried not to care but somehow it always gets me