Im watching a film of my own life, completely immersed in I can feel it running through me and forms into beautiful thoughts and words on a webpage, but now I can't feel it anymore. I can't express what is no longer there. 

When I was deep into my depression I was truly felt my soul was raw and bare, and dark. I foraged through the underground crawl of the forest, walked across the moonlit path across a stone paved bridge and gazed at the fine rippling lines of the water, thinking how beautiful it would be to die. But now I am no longer thinking those things, I'm happy be born anew, but why do I miss it. why do i miss being sad and expressive. I cry when I hear beautiful songs of artists who have passed away, especially this song 

Nujabes - Aruarian Dance

Aww, i don't know what else to say. I seem to be attracted to people with depression, or people with depression will openly tell me that to me. I'm not very good at cheering people  up but I can be there to support and listen to them. I just feel sad when people I care about are sad. I was just thinking about my ex today, and how it seem like he didn't appreciate me but liked to keep me around. I was comparing my ex to my current interest. I feel unappreciated when they don't talk to me. I need to back off, but i have no one again, just one. the one im interested in, but he is seeing my flaws and may now want me anymore. I feel like crying when i actually confessed my feelings, and he said maybe were not meant to be, so im back to being alone. and setting my walls higher than before. I hate what love does.

my gamer friend is gone, he deleted me off skype. im upset about that too.

the wind will carry you to another day another place, away from here, away from pain and attachments. you will not remember me, i will be too far away from you. our conversations will dry up and shrivel likes leaves in the fall. once beautiful conversations will become nothing more, dissolving into the mush of life. and you will live your life forgetting the past.

 a new job, and a new romantic interest.

[I didn't mean to abandon you my love, but why is it with each passing day I forget the things we had. Knowing the old me I wouldn;t want to forget. I loved you so deeply, you had my soul, now I just look at you like an old fond memory, and I hate that feeling. I still feel for you, even though it didn't work out, I never thought it would end.]

The new romantic interest in my life, is pretty amazing. He fills my void, and holds me tenderly. I just don't want my heart broken again.

it's over now. the things that had to end. i hope he is ok. i hope he doesn't hurt himself. i still love him. it's very hard to break up with someone you still love. i don't know. im hurting. i feel like the pain will come in waves, and eventually come through like a tsunami. right now im swallowing the pain, taking it slowly. hasnt really hit me hard. probably will the more i think about it. during. all those times we were together. the two years we were together. nothing is as painful as this . i hate being human. i hate feeling so much pain. somebody save me.

so i got a friend stalking my journal now. i'm quite upset about because now i can't be myself. i showed him a screenshot of one of my post, with a funny comment attached to it. he went out of his way to google the name of the person who made the comment, and i hid my name. but he went on a mad hunt to find my journal. i'm  quite upset that i can't use this space anymore. I might have to make a new account, and journal.

When i mention things that make me upset about his behaviour, he tells me "you know this about me"... it doesn't excuse you for poor behaviour.

sometimes i feel like he has a crush on me, and if he is reading this. I hope he knows i don't see him as more than a friend. Kinda harsh, but i've told him in the past that i don't see him as more than a friend. I don't like the way he nags for my attention. 

I can see it as how i can nag my boyfriend for attention. because a girl needs love right? he is not doing that right now. giving me the attention i want from him. he doesn't tell me he misses me or loves me, it' s a big thing for me.

I sometimes work. i worked this weekend. it was tiring, and im pretty sure i gained a kilo or two. 

everything is pretty sucky. i feel lonely. 

I want to say so much, but when it actually comes to typing I am stuck. Funny that. I will try to type like a reasonable person. 

So some backstory on my life at the moment. 22, unemployed for 9 months, in a long distance relationship of almost 2 years.

I've been on the website for more than 4 years now, it's nice to see some familar faces also new friendly ones. I would hope this website becomes more chatty, but then again I'm not one to chat, as I'm afraid of what people think of me, and if someone's starts hating on my comment, it makes me really upset. I guess it's a fear, though no one has really done that to me. Can't explain it, Anxiety? Maybe?.

This year i want to be more happier, happier with myself, happier that I lost 11 kgs and never patted myself for it. Still see myself as how i think others see me, judging every imperfection on my skin, and calling myself ugly, (because i am covered in hedious scab scars). when i should be saying not perfect.

Ramble ramble. At the point in time, i'm ok, but thinking things over. The reasons why my boyfriend and I don't get along is because of my personal clingy issues, and his lack of effort towards communicating with me. I'm thinking of moving to where he lives in Melbourne, but I don't know if that would be a good idea. Pros would be I get to see him often, stablising our relationship, it's a nice place to live, a fresh start, away from family life which sometimes depresses me. Cons are, that I will be lonely, I have no source of income besides benefits, living in melbourne is expensive, especially by yourself and you know no one.

Only reason I want to go there is for him, but I am so close to my family I will be heartbroken if I move, plus my mum is not healthy (2nd stroke) so who know when that will happen again, and I'm afraid she'll become worse than how she is right now. I have a fear that I will lose my parents, and regret not spending time with them. So many fears, fearing things I should not be scared of. 

The things between us (me and him) make me second guess our relationship. He doesn't want to see me, even if i offer up to come see him this month. Flights are about $100 more or less. He is working as well which makes it hard for me to see him because sometimes he will work night shift or dayshift, and which ever day they will call him, and he works of a monthly roster, that he hasn't shared with me. It's just so difficult, he doesn't want to talk everyday whereas i do, i haven't heard his voice in 3days. and he doesn't care to talk, because hearing me, knowing i exist breaks his heart because i am not actually with him. I asked several friends and they said there was nothing much left, but i still believe that is something there for us. I still love him. 

I also said that he bragged, and he told me that I nag too much, and make noises when i want attention. ooh that hurt, because i now think it's true. I am just a big attention seeker, loathe myself :(

this sounds like one of those relationships that should just end, but it's very hard. as he is my first. first boyfriend, first kiss, first time having sex. it seems like a lot to throw away. I feel pretty stupid, but I am those things to him too. we would be throwing away our relationship if we gave up. anyone wanting to try a ldr should be aware of how hard it is, there is a chance that one person would want to give in, because the distance is too much. 

I am comfortable with the way things are, seeing each other every three months, for three days is ok for me, as long as I get to talk to him everyday. But he is not ok with it, because he needs me to actually be there, and to hug him and hold him, and to do stuff together. I would really love that too. He is very sad right now, and distancing himself from me. Kinda hurts. I feel much better writing this all down.

Im making him a care package, dont know when to send it, because he is not being nice to me right now, but i still care about him, and want to cheer him up.

I hope you all have a nice night.

why wont you let me leave

you're so cruel to me, more cruel than the last one

if you want to end it, please end it now, so i can move on, and look for someone who actually cares.

I want to kill myself, but you're not worth killing myself for. i want to avoid you. i want to hate you and not talk to you. 

goodbye boyfriend, goodbye heartless, good bye blind to others feelings. i don't believe were meant to be. you fail to communicate. by not saying things that bothered you, and telling me it all one go, we aren't even together.

you keep sending me one worded responses, and send me to a place were i cry all the time. i don;t even want to tell you why im feeling terrible. you are not good to me, or are you. im just insane now. im going to try and avoid everyone, because everything is making me upset. loose screw.

if i die, im happy. maybe he will care.

i didn't come here for weeks thinking i would find a comment attached to my previous post and i did. i don't want hurt anyone. i treat this journal, as a place where i can let go off all the things bottling inside me. that's why i say sorry for offending you, if i do.

So life right now is not so good. It's been 6 months since i wasn't a student anymore, haven't become a worker. now i am just a nobody. My boyfriend hasn't been treating me good. I think he hates being with me. And i cry from the loneliness. oh the pain is giving me a recurring headache. I don't know where it came from, I don't usually get headaches but lately one has settled on my forehead, and comes more often than not. My heart definitely hurts, feels like it's being gently pushed in from all sides, it's not a sharp pain, but a pressure in my chest. 

If i died right now i honestly  would not care. I just hope the ones who love me forget about me when it happens. I think i have found my meaning of life. It is to live for others, nothing else. To comfort others, to help others, to do pointless things like play games all day. Oh so depressive.

ps. i feel like i'm getting dumber by the day, i haven't excerised my brain is so long

so they' re crickets in my house at night, they dont bother me so much, but they jump on things and make a noise. they aren't really crickets, they like the hoppers from a bugs life, brown colour, and dont make a cricket sound. anyway one of them was jumping on a plastic shopping bag on the ground, then jump on the laptop case, i had to turn my head, and see wtf was that noise.

my modem randomly disconnected at 12:00 when i was looking at creepy reddit stuff, and my internet wasn't working, i got real scared. I had one drink tonight, as i was checking my modem, all i could crouching down, was this really fast tapping noise, like fapping speed, but with tapping against the wall. it was really soft though and a sharp sound, so i doubt it was fapping. i could hear an opera child singing for a brief moment, like 2 secs, and i could also hear the sound of a car pulling into our driveway for a moment, but then it was gone. and now my dad is home. so it wasn't him. it was probably all in my head, so this is why i title this journal alcohol makes me scared. because usually i wouldn't be. 

*hugs*

question for you. is it acceptable for your boyfriend/girlfriend, to lift up and carry one of his friends who is a girl?

*shakes head in sadness*

*drunken text maybe, apologies in advance

i always have to reload before i can type anything. does anyone else get that.

i hate waiting for people who dont care

i feel like leaving everything behind; do guys not know what goes through a girls mind, if i dont text you it doesnt mean everything is ok. i means i want you to text me. did you forget me. you;re so mean. why does the girl have to text the guy first when he is to a party. im stuck here playing wow. i hate everything. ignoring the fact that im acting like my 17 yearold self from the past, except with a boyfriend now, that doesnt show he cares. i dont think he does.

why are we still together.