Terrible tabitha where are you? longitude lattitude, i long for you

Terrible Tabitha where are you? seeking your affection has left me blue

The curves of your face, the emotion of your body 

Please shed some love on the withered soul that aches...

Aches for your love.

Fluttering feelings at 3am

Endless searching, restless wandering 

MIA

Fear in my blood, fear in my sweat, fear in my tears. Follow me to my bed, await for me when I wake up. Never leaving my side, like a friend I never wanted. 

Pizza come pizza go. I'll be running late for work if it doesn't show. I'm a pleaser, please please me. Pizza please, if it pleases you I'll buy it at the sake of my own inconvienience. Please pizza, please hurry up. Or I'll be late for work. At my own pizza job seperate from this pizza place I'm ordering at. If I don't make sense, it's because I'm mad. Mad as in crazy, not mad as in angry or sad.

How many more days must I suffer, through endless day cycles where I'm always awake and never asleep. The morning stirs me greatly. With the birdsong and the ocean of car noise. The night keeps me up, with whispers and the shroud of drowsiness never takes me. Away to land of dreams and blissful ignorance. To another life, another world. How I miss it. I've been rejected, I cannot enter anymore. In times of need I seek a higher being to lead me, to save me. But no one will come. I am not worthy.

If my master demands a sacrifice i will willingly oblige. Either be all good or all evil, and you will be rewarded from the God of your choosing. The Devil is on my side it seems. 

It's a scary place to be, like the voice inside your head is demonic, taunting and mocking you. One day it will be fine, and i wont need anyone to drown out the sounds of my demons, for now I write, and sigh in solitude.

So I had a go at finding some friends online to talk to, but it doesn't feel right. It's so hard to make friends, next time I'll know what to do. Don't write 26f, write 26 blah blah because I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want a friend I'm so lonely I just want to cry. Darling doesn't realise how overbearing I can become, using him as the sole human interaction I have. No i refrain from messaging him too much which is why I need to make friends. or find some other way of escaping the loneliness. I'm so sleepy. I didn't sleep much.

So you know that video of a seal slapping its belly hilariously, that is me when I come home from a late night at work, and slap my bloated belly heheh. I am a seal. Good god I love cute animals. 

It's the expression draining from my face. The groans escaping my lips. Retreating to my safe haven once more. This place is my santuary. I've grown weary. There are parasitic tendencies in this maternal treeline. It is destiny. My mother drains me, as her mother did, and as her mother did. Our mothers live very long yet dependent lives. Burdened with sickness at the third quarter point of life. I'm at the one third stage yet I feel as old as they do. Lacking funds and self sufficiency, I'm becoming one with the treeline. It's a curse in this family. What would you have me do to break free from this curse?

Darling, life is not all bad. I suppose. How can one complain when one has access to internet, fresh water, and food. No life is not bad. My spirit is about as vibrant as pond scum. It is good. Be one with the filth, and nature. Eternally stagnant.