The twinkle of wind chimes.

A giant pool splash.

The icy clink in a cold drink.

The solitary bliss of a shower.

Tearing the tape off a package.

The rustling of leaves in a lonesome hike.

The gentle thuds of another's heartbeat.

Turning a page.

The grace of stillettos walking on a fancy flooring.

The sound of stillness.

Swim, long boys, swim. Your statuesque bodies titilate my senses. Your pectorals glisten in the sun, as you simulate waves that move me. Jump boldly, and emerge from the blunderous attempts at replicating your rival's grace. Laugh hysterically and infectiously. Magical beings you become. Frolicking. In the water, you claim dominion. Deliciously delectable and salty on my palate. I look on with hunger. The bitter aftertaste in my mouth. I swallow pool water accidentally. It is so agreeably disgusting. But I stay, so I can perverse a little longer.

Endless refreshments of words.

Its seems that the idle key of my keyboard constantly resfreshes the page. Erasing what ever train of poetic thought I had. How irritable. But not as irritable as I am. I am who is to become a bride. But undesirable to my darling. He has grown tired of me, unattracted to my body, but remains attracted to my mind and mannerisms. This love is complicated. Love is no fairy tail. When he takes me, I am but a vessel to his unsatiated lust. His phone aids him to maintain his vigour. I feel I am disgusting to my darling. His browses idly through his phone for new and more attractive women. Is it pain I feel? Is it jealously? Am I the docile becoming of a domestic wife. Only so eager to please her husband. I worry of our fate. I do not claim that he does not love me. He loves me wholeheartedly. But his lust, his alter ego, finds me repulsive. I lay there as a moaning heap before you as you climax. Bent over me panting, as you regain your senses. Returning to the sensible darling that I love, and adore, and agreed to marry. 

You kiss my forehead affectionately. I wrap my sweaty paws around you as a motion of affection. I am at your disposal.

"Are you okay" you ask.

"I am fine" I say, feeling the trickle of you slowly seep from me. 

The pain. Glorious and lingering. Itching and numbing. I feel it creeping, seeping through me. Why must fickle words affect me? am I so tied to this world? When can I be free? Free of the dread that haunts me. Free of the burdens that burn me. Until the day I lay still, that is when I shall be free. Free myself I must. I must sever ties in order to be free. Ties of parentage. Ties of homelife that I've grown familiar to for the last 26 years. It is time for change. A change in this wind. The air has grown stale and mouldy. Like the room I sit in. Mould grows near me where I sleep, as cobwebs droop from its corners. This room is a reflection of my mind, of my current state. I am nothing but a collection of emotions, that sit festering in this embodiment of gluttony.

I watch you tremble, your body aches to be free. You writhe in your restraits. I have bound you so tightly, there is escaping tonight. Tonight you are mine, rightfully taken. Rightfully mine. Your supple flesh is pink and tender. Ripe under the cold moonlight. You are the angel I longed so much for. Why do you make such abhorrent noises? Why do you curse and stain your lovely innocence? Darling you are safe with me. Please show me the pleasant smile I love. Show me the wickedness of your charm. Tonight will be the longest night of our lives. I'll bide my time in making you submit to your feelings. Your lust. Your primal needs will overcome your prideful manners. Every inch of you will not go untouched. You stop trembling now. Your voice stops protesting. Perhaps you are tired, or perhaps you have given in to me.

More like stale. is this me, am i stale, i feel life is stale, my relationship is stable, but at times i feel bored? i guess this is normal, job is also stale, it's like ash in my mouth now, just suck up and do it. I should have taken a longer holiday, I don't like to deal with people. its plesantly safe yet boring in my hidey hole. 

I had a fight with someone at a gig. someone at work made me cry. i guess that is the two major negative things that happened recently that i can remember. I realise what affects me most is how people perceive me, and if they dislike me. Oh, why cant i realise it doesnt even matter.  i wish i wish.

good news.

my boyfriend is so good to me, i feel blessed. i still have happy times with my family even though it seems normal or negative all the time.i still have my health. and my nice cat.and um, income i guess...

song of the day

Invaders must die - the prodigy

I don't know why I'm typing here. It's 1.30am and I can't sleep. Too many thoughts ticking away. The coffee I had before I started my shift is preventing me from sleeping, I'm sensitive to coffee after 5pm, but i just take it because I'm a zombie at work. I really don't want to be there. So many depressive thoughts, so much guilt I feel. Guilt that I feel that I am the shy girl, disgust or some sort of jealousy when I see someone getting along so well with other coworkers and is so well liked, but she is so stupid, I feel she talks to me as if I'm stupid. I don't know why I hate the girl, I think I accept this. I accept my hate for her, she hasn't done anything to me, I just hate her for being who she is. I just accept that now. It's not fair at all to her, I am being nice to her, maybe she senses that my feelings aren't true. but it feels nice to admit that. I'm sorry that you are a victim to my hatred, you have done nothing wrong, it's a feeling within me, I've seen it before. it's not a strong hate, I just don't like you at all, but you are so loved by everyone, maybe that's why I hate you.

But who cares really, I don't care what people think of me, the ones who truly know me are the ones I truly care about. That is all that matters, the people within my bubble, they are all I love, they are all that matter. 

I just had this awful dream, where my perspective was from a girl who was raped, about to murdered, but then escaped to some hostel where she meets other young people (maybe homeless) who have no where else to go to. The guy who raped her wanders around looking for her, he claims to be her father, and that is she disobedient and has mental problems. He goes around knocking doors looking for her. A few days go by when she hears him at the door, and hides crouched behind the couch begging them not to believe him, and then she tells them he had raped her, and planned to kill her, but she managed to get away. The setting where the rape took place is in the countryside, in an abandoned delapdidated house. When the guy comes round the hostel looking for her, the hostel guys believe her and 3 of their buffest guys start beating up the rapist guy. The rapist guy has a small blade from a switch blade in his hand and uses it against one of the guys on top of him. He gets the blade to slice the guys neck, everyone is shocked, and there is blood everywhere. The rapist guy uses this moment as his chance to escape. Meanwhile people are trying to give medical attention to the guy who had this neck cut. The girl who had been raped is now shaking and crying.

Viewing this from her perspective was quite horrifying, I truly felt scared for my life, especially that moment trying to run away from him initially. He said something along the lines of "you can run all you want but you won't get far. You're going to die" so I ran away pushing through the debris of the broken house, and debris surrounding the area, running along the grass but keeping close to the road, it was night fortunately. I ended up in a hostel (don't remember how I got there). I make friends at the hostel, but for some reason don't open up to them about the fact that some guy is trying to kill me, perhaps too scared or too shaken. 

It felt more like watching a movie, than being the actual person since I had little control of my actions. The feeling I had while dreaming this was like watching a Rob Zombie film, extremely unpleasant to watch other people suffering. 

I was glad to be woken up at this time of 4am, because I didn't want to keep dreaming about that. I was woken by my dad, who is leaving for his 2 week holiday. I'm pretty tired now, just wanted to write about this before I forget. Hopefully I'll dream of something better now.

I'm looking at my pretty lava lamp, talking to my boyfriend. falling deeper into sleep state. sleepy so sleepy. i  shared my journal with someone else i hope i don't regret it. I can only think of customers and my bf's soothing voice. No more suffering. very blissful. my coworkers said' that i look sick. I may be sick in the mind. my dad called my sickness 'lazy sickness'. I'm just tired all the time, I woke up nauseous. it seems to happen daily, im not pregnant, because i am on my period. I don't know what it is, I think it might be the birth control pills. 

i want to leave work, like how many other people have left. I really should. i dont want to be around love birds, and bitching people. 

song which describes what i feel right now. 

i have a crush on my coworker. it's so hard, because i have had dreams about him, i don't know why i dream about him so much. Last night I dreamt about work. I was strangling one of my coworkers, and he was just chilling there with his family at my workplace (it;s like a restaurant) but it me happy that he was there.

my boyfriend and i, have now broken up, but still remain friends.

he drove me home from work, for the first time tonight, and i was just so giddy. I'm so embarassed, i cant even talk to him properly. he makes my heart jump. I'm very bad to have a crush on my coworker for so long, and my boyfriend and i broke up a few days ago.

in his car, he mentioned to me that he heard that my boyfriend and i broke up even though i didn't tell him directly, i told my other coworkers.

he asked me what happened, i told him that my bf wanted to be friends with me. He told me he moved on from relationships pretty quickly and that his last relationship lasted for 4 years. I think he likes me, and i like him, but i don't want to rush into a new relationship. 

It's best to take the advice from my first bf. you should half the time (of you previous relationship) out of a relationship, which would make it 5 months before im ready to start datiing someone else.

I still care for cameron, i hold him dear to my heart. and i would say the same for oliver. i still care for them. no more relationships please. they make me go crazy.