here's to the girl that got away, she was amazing, still is amazing however we were just not meant to be, so its time to move on, get out there, and make shit happen. I love her i really do, but alas it cannot be, so heres to her happiness, to mine, to finding someone thats worth the effort four score and twenty days till my heart mends, and till that day i will make no changes to myself aside from this haircut, and i will be who i am, and they will love me to the bitter fucking end.

so things with the other girl didnt really work out, it just sorta sat there being boring and all, but then things got interesting, i started hanging out with this girl ive been working with for about a year and a half now, its good she's really kool, and well tonight we went on our first actual date, and yeh you guessed it im actually fucking happy for once like OMFG i never thought it possible. The depression and all that jazz can take a back seat ive found someone who is just as crazy and weird as me never thought id be so happy

so life is well interesting these days, i really really like this girl but some people keep telling me to go for it, some keep telling me to give up. i have no idea what to do, i think im just gonna see what happens friday night with the pub crawl and go from there, i really do like her. fuck, depression well shits hitting hard, im like craving cutting, craving isnt the right word but it fits, life just seems to be spiralling out of control it fucking sucks, my parents are doing my head in again, i just want to drink and drink myself to sleep and never wake up. Uni is fucking hard, im like dying everyday, things are ok ive met ppl that are awesome, but for fuck sake im so fucking over living, smoking drinking, cutting thats all my life is right now, i fucking hate it i thought things were gonna be better gonna be more awesome, fuck ive met some awesome ppl and ive gotten hell close with heaps of others, i just need love, my parents are fucking cunts, my life fucking sucks, my friends make me who i am, im fying inside and they cant see, i hate being so good at hiding it, fuck all i need, all i want is for this to be over, to not have to worry about finding a girl to not have to worry about someone liking me, to not have to worry about anything. it fucking sucks, i hate life, i hate being single, i hate being unloved, my life, bah its not even a life, it fucking sucks fuck this shit im just gonna cut and sleep, my blood should soothe the pain

so im in remission, things are going ok with that, i have hair, its growing ok, im at uni fulltime, things are interestingly different im meeting some people, and having fun, but then im like dying inside, there are days when i just still feel like giving up, i thought these meds were supposed to fix everything, but the fuck it hasnt, i just wish fuck i just wish things were easy again, wish they were how they used to be so many years ago, fuck it all, i just want to know the truth am i me or am i just pretending?

so i have both good news and bad news, i am headed towards remission, one more treatment and i should be cancer free, my hair has started growing back, and everything is looking up in the department. on the bad side, im feeling weaker and weaker, i want to cut alot, i havent done it yet, but maybe i need to increase my dosage of prozac or something, every second minute that goes by im thinking about cutting, or drinking or cutting and drinking. its fucking horrible, i thought i was getting better i cant slip now, i cant be that bad not now, not just before starting something new, something that could make me happy forever.

my arms are shaking as i write this, this is the first time this feeling has come over me, this feeling that i havent felt in so very long, the feeling that i need to cut, i shouldnt want to do this, i shouldnt need anything like this but i almost miss the pain, im confiding in this journal because i know help is on the way, no matter where i go, there is someone here thats always going to be here, choking on this smoke, choking on the fires in my face, my whole body, is shuddering, almost in anticipation, but is it giving up if i cave in? if i return to my resolve as soon as i wake up? i just dont, cant think of a reason not to, i dont want to, but i feel if i dont fuck if i dont, i dont even know, and then if i do, have i failed?, have i failed my search to stay cut free till my hair comes back? do i dont i? thats the question, right here, right now, i will make this decision, whether i can live with myself afterwards is a very interesting question

i wrote some massively long piece to update this with but i just cant seem to find it >

fucking shit this is bullshit, im fucking wretching in my own misery right now, i hate everything so much, my hands shake at the very thought of moving i fucking hate this, im dying inside and noone realises, i sit with a smile on my face when all ive got left is a dagger through my chest. my heart cracks at the slightest movement, im fucking dying, all i want is for my life to end, i bleed with every move i make and i love it, but i hate it at the same time. fuck i hate this i wanna bleed out, but im not allowed to give up fuck

so things are gonna be ok again. im allowed to drink now, apparently if everything goes right, ill be cancer free in march next year. i worked my arse off this morning, i did 3 hours of hard labour helping my granddad clear about 5 tonnes of garden cuttings etc. it was grueling work, it fucking sucked to be honest. but i helped him out which is a good thing, im in so much pain. my mood well i dont even know anymore, my head is sorta fucked still. somedays i wanna cut so badly, somedays i feel nothing, somedays i cry myself to sleep, and then somedays i dont sleep. id like to fucking fix this, my meds should help, hopefully, i hate feeling this shit everyday. guess everyone who looks at me thats changed can say "brand new me, same shitty you" and they'd be right, i havent changed in a long time, its fairly shit.