i came to a realisation in the past couple of days, my empathy has been fucked by my impending mortality i cant understand why it's happened. I just woke up one morning and i realised what we are, i realised where we'll stay and even though i'd much prefer things to be different in a good way, its not happening, my life, my heart, my mind are ending rather soon, i need to leave my life in a state that im ok with, i need to tell jamie i need to fill him in on everything when he isnt drunk, when he isnt drinking which is hard, when i wish things were simpler, when i didnt have so much to say, when i didnt have some impending doom looming overhead, i cant understand how long the world has longed to get rid of me, i dont know why the world wants me dead, but im ok with it, my life is coming to an end and im ok wiht that, it will be unfortunate for those who are left behind but i cant think about them when im contemplating my mortality. Waiting for that day, is almost making me happy, when i'll finally be free from this pain free from this sickness, when i no longer have to suffer everyday to get up, when i dont have to hide my feelings regardless of who knows what, i still hide my thoughts, my feelings, because it's still the hardest part of life, to be truthful to those around you. When it comes time, and i know this is morbid but i'd like only 3 people there with me, I'd like Bec, Crawfy, and Lulu there with me when i pass away, when i leave this world, i want the people that represent my entire life, Crawfy my growth into manhood, my brother, the man who helped me learn how to live life while i could, Lulu my struggle through depression, making it through this is the hardest journey ive experienced, she helped me stay alive long enough to find her. Bec what can i say about her, she means the world to me, id do anything for her, id die for her if i needed to, anything i can to help her makes my life worth living whilst im still alive, i know its selfish of me to ask the people that are the closest to me to be there when i die but i have to see them off in my own special way, i know i should be thinking positively but alas things are jsut not that easy, when you realise your impending mortality life just becomes a lot clearer, things seem more important like spending time with your best friends, i love them to bits but i hate them as well, they make me who i am, but sometimes i wonder if i grew up differently in a different place would i still be this fucked up? would i still hate everything about myself? would i still be a cutter? would i still be me? When i look back like this i realise i wouldnt change a thing, my experiences in this life have made things interesting, made me who i9 am, however fucked up i am, i like it, for the only time in my life i wouldnt change anything, from tom to chris to jimi and jamie, to Bec, the one girl that even though she crushed me changed me for the better, i gained my closest friend and im glad it happened that way, my life however longer fleeting, i wouldnt change it, life is hard, life for me is harder then most, but i will live on, in the memories of people that changed me and the people i have changed, i am sorry im leaving people behind but they understand there sint something i can change. I love you all, anyone that has read this all the way through, or just started because they could, everyone that i showed this to, and everyone i gave this to, my life is on display here, i am me, I was me, my concept of reality has been fucked by my impending mortality

Last night, last night marked the first night of complete freedom for pretty much all of my friends, it marked the beginning of months of free time, it was meant to be a day to celebrate, a day to enjoy, and during the day i did, i had fun it was better then the monotony of life, however it plummeted, i reached a point where my entire being was giving up, my mind, my body, my soul, my heart, i just wanted to give up, to let go of everything, to escape from it all and end the pain, to let the darkness take me, i was within inches from taking my life, yet again trying to escape from it all, i never thought id feel this badly so soon after last time, i never thought id let it take hold of me this much, i wanted to die so bad that i cut, i cut until i was a bloody mess, i changed my shirt, i hid the stains, i called that number that he told me to call, they told me go to the ER, i dropped them off, it hurt me so much that she didnt say anything after i told her, it hurt me that she didnt offer to come with me, she just walked away, i died inside at the moment, content with my fate, i stopped on my way there and cut, again and again and again until my sides were smeared with blood, i got light headed as i headed through traffic, i didnt even want to make it out alive, they detained me, an armed guard forcing me to stay, the possiblity of not being able to leave for a week, i didnt, i couldnt words cant describe how i was feeling and am still feeling, i told the doctor what he needed to hear to let me out fo there, i know it was wrong and it was a lie but i needed to come home to see if maybe just maybe i was worth fighting for, but no, i found out, im not, im just to sit here and die, while the most important person in my life does nothing and ignores it, when she doesnt even respond after i apologise for dumping it on her, when i cry out for help, nothing, im i dont even know, my side's weeping, it hurts to move, i cant control my thoughts, i just want to die again, i want to cut until there's nothing left but a pool of bloody clothes, i cant give up, i wont give up, but i want to give up, i need to give up

what do you do when soemthing you've worked so hard to build comes crashing again and again and you keep working things out and you think finally you're almost back to normal where you want to be and then it crashes down again. Im dying, ive come to terms with that, what i cant come to terms with is the fact that im now clinically insane, yeh i said it, apparently my mental state of mind is pretty fucked up, not normal fucked up like i thought, no im clinically insane im now living without metal cutlery in the house, and im on a suicide watch almost everyday because apparently im a risk to myself, well i know that, my scars prove that. but im ok with being a cutter, im ok with suicidal thoughts, im not okay with the fact that im going to have to tell ppl, that im clinically crazy that by the book im so fucked up that they are thinking about locking me up in a padded cell yep padded cell just like the movies, why? because i will hurt myself, because i want to hurt myself, because i want to die, because i need to die, im so over this feeling of worthless and hopelessness, its draining and fucks with my head and i feel terrible

i had good news, very good news, i thought maybe things werent going to shit, maybe id be ok, then the phone rang, today... apparently he fucked it up, apparently he made a mistake and he was sorry, sometimes sorry isnt fucking good enough not when it means my sense of hope is shattered when every thought of a future is dashed and pulled from under you. its not ok, its never going to be ok, i just fuck. I HATE YOU, you ruined everything for me, you ruined whatever i thought i could have, you can die in a whole, fuck this

should i just give up? on all of this? on life, on everything?

So yesterday i graduated high school, officially i no longer have to go to skool ever again. I should be excited shouldnt i? not with exams looming, george running a muck, and the girl i love still undecided FML. I have been somber and clean and smoke free for almost 7 months now, its hard, really hard, but im dealing with it, i feel healthier, im able to do lots of work on sundays im not hungover anymore sure these are massive pluses, but sometimes its really hard wtching other people drink and not joining them, i guess im staying alive longer then i would if i did drink. but what do you do? when your time is running out? haha two papa roach references in one journal i msut be thinking really hard today, guess its the nerves of having my jap oral this morning i went ok, i freaked out too much and forgot some key info >

there was a time when i thought id never feel that pain, from a friend so close just stabbing into my back, with this insane feeling that i thought of all ppl, not form you, but i guess i was confused and stupid to think a friend so close wouldnt hurt me the most, i try and stay strong my heart is ripped from beneath me its funny how i cant even cry, when it hurts me most of all, that knife in my back is like a thousand fists to the face, i cant deal with this not anymore why the fuck did i think i could hold on so long, my hearts torn asunder and my eyes are dry, my veins filled with anguish and my tongue is on fire. Im in hell already why postpone it any longer? go fuck yourself im not made to deal with this anymore

I don't really know why i write here anymore but I know it helps i dont know how or why it just seems to, so yesterday was interesting to say the least. I went to the hospital like i have been for a long time, went and had a PET scan, hoping beyond hope that something's changed for the better, im so sick of bad news. He told me no significant change but not to give up hope, it doesn't mean its a bad thing or a good thing, as far as im concerned it means shit could hit the fan, very very soon, i dont know if i can do it, i cant live with this, this hole in my heart this pain in my head, FUCK. It's so close to the end, i told her how i feel, it comes down to her now, im dying inside both physically and emotionally, i love her so much, ive already given so much for her, id give everything if it means just for one more day i could be with her, just for one day, just once just incase, just incase i dont make it through this

so a few things have happened, it was bad news, i dont even wanna put it up here its so bad, i spent all day sunday passed out in bed, unmoving, not feeling anything, it was horrible i felt broken and cold and weak. and since about last friday ive had random blood noses and shit and i thought nothing of it, but then my gums started bleeding last nite and today, i think this isnt a good thing, it fucking sucks, i feel so weak so tired all the time. i dont know if i can physically make myself get through it, its the weirdest thing, i dont want to give up, but after feeling like that for one day its fucking intense i just i dont even know what to say, maybe i wont make it to the end of the year, its fucking draining, but i wont give up, i will push as hard as i can, and no matter what i will do my best to keep my promise

i was happy for a while there, things were ok, until well today was good, but then i got home and well that was were things went tits up. i had an amazing time today, it was fun sure i was unwillingly jealous at some points but who am i to say who she can and cant talk to, i love her more then anything so i have to accept its her decision, i just cant help it if it hurts me so much to be so close and not kiss her, when that feeling is there that i shuld lean in and i dont, fucking hell im a dickhead. Then i get home and guess whose waiting for me, not a raging mother or a raging father no, my oncologist. He's in the living room. he sat me down and told me that even though he gave me good news yesterday this was still a possiblity, i was like wtf happened? he told me fuck i cant even write it here not until she hears it, i swore on my life that i wuld tell her eveything first, and im going to stick to that it hurts so much she hasn't responded in like 2 hours im really fucking scared so scared in fact im tempted to call her up and get raged at completely but i almost have to do it. I have fucked up i know i timed telling her i had something to tell her terribly, i tried to stop myself but it kept popping in my head tell her you love her dont hold anything back from her. i fucking hate it i love her so much and i may have just fucked things up for good.