So recently i have done a few things, im happier for a start, my hair isnt falling out as much, ive bought two more tickets, im going to no sleep til, and im going to see fucking LINKIN PARK!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO KEEN, IM GONNA BE THERE AT 5pm FOR doors at 7ish lol i have to bea t the front IM SO KEEN

So im sitting here in this house all alone and it hits me, ive fucked everything worthwhile up, sure ppl will say im still alive and everything, and all that, but i honestly have, every relationship ive had either ive done soemthing that fucks it up, or i do something subconsciously that fucks it i mean for christ sake am i not meant to be happy? i mean of all my like i get george our loverly friend george who atm is making my life miserable im not aloud to do anything no fried food, no drinking, excersise everyday but yeh thats not a bad thing but its a fucking hard adjustment and its killing me, i woke up this morning to more hair on my pillow, its not falling out in clumps though its just hinning like a bitch, pretty soon ill have no choice but to shave ti all off completely. im afraid of that day, when i finally have to face this shit and tell everyone absolutely everything about george. its not a nice feeling then i suddenly get a flash about blades again, i swore i stopped that stopped for good and then it flashes in my head and my sides ache and i feel like i wanna but i dont but i do >< fuck im losing control again of everything i finally get it back after my heart is broken and now im losing it all again fuck tis a bad bad time in my head and its not changing and this music probs isnt helping but ive waited so long for this, i guess its ironic that songs telling the guy that someday soon the weight of the world will give him the strength to "go" i feel like going right now

when the world fucking plummets and the darkness comes for you again, when shit happens around you that just ruins everything, when you realise that no matter how much you care, when it doesnt suit some people they will just leave you, when you need them most when you think its not worth it anymore when you thought you could trust someone with anything and then they just throw it back in your face, when you cared when no one else did, when you thought hey even though it wasnt meant to be maybe we could be true to what we promised but no, when im dying inside and the person taht said they'd always be there for me isnt, well it sucks. Today a guy in my years mum died, and there was a service for her and him and his entire family, i don't know the guy to well but i still went to pay my respects because I know how hard it is to lose someone, to lose someone that was part of your life from the very beginning, part of who you are. As i sat there and listened and paid my respects i remembered dan, and how there wasnt a service for him, how no one lit candles for him, i remembered how shit i felt that day, and i took off the ring that he left me, and i clentched it and i held it tight, i havent let go of it since i left skool, and i dont intend to take it off 2morro if they ask me to, or ever again, i offered it to no im not gonna fucking go there im to depressed to be sappy or think about what could have should have been. And now i sit here with a pit inside facing reality i never was good enuff thats why i got the cancer, thats why i fucked up the only relationship that meant anything to, thats why i sit here in the dark writing here because its the only thing stopping me from shredding my sides and leaving this hell, i sit here trying to think of reasons to stay, trying beyond hope to figure out a way to get through 2nite, i know if i make it through its just going 2 be harder, i ahve to tell them about the news that i have only told 3 ppl, i have to tell them if i make it through im going to tell them but i dont think i can im not strong enough, its not worth it anyway im over all of this, the bullshit the lies the fakes, i try and just get through it all but i cant, every day since ive found out, my hair's slowly been coming out, its started i had it cut 2day to make it look ok but soon it mite all jsut fall out, im in need of help right now but the person id normally turn to i cant contact and then no one else knows what im going through, im over this shit im jsut over it, my face will bleed, my sides will burn im gonna die here tonight and its not my turn

so i had something great something fantastic and because i feel head over heels for the girl ive been madly in love with for about a year now, i fucked it up, i fucked it so majorly i doubt she'll even want 2 be my friend ever again. why the fuck didnt i just stay true 2 who i am? why did i have to do everything her ex didnt do and it still pushed her away. i guess its true what they say, you never know what you've got until its gone. i fucking wish i could take it all back take back my mistakes take back everything that changed what we had, i wish i wasnt such a fool, i wish i wasnt such a hopeless romantic, i wish just for once i could truly be happy with someone and that someone to be her, i dont want anyone else i never will want anyone else as much as i want her and yes i know things probably will never be the same and yes i know ive probably got no hope in hell of ever being what she wants again, but i dont care i love her more then anything in this entire universe more than life itself, ive tried not thinking about it, ive tried forgetting about her, it just doesnt happen, my mind is always on her, and im not sick of it, i never will be sick of it, sure it hurts like hell knowing that she may never be with me again even as just a friend but i have to hope that one day someday she can forgive me and we can have what we had before again, that we can have a life together, that for one tiny instant in the universe, we can be happy together, and we can just know that regardless of the rest of the world we can just be, you and me. I just wish i wasnt such a dickhead i wish i didnt fuck up immensely i wish, oh how i wish that life just once for all of time would throw me a bone and let me start this all again. let me try what i know is meant to be, i know i still love you and i always will and i know that you still love me, im just to big a fuck up to truly be what you deserve, you deserve so much better than me, so much more than i can give, all i can give you is my heart and my love, and everything that is me, even just to be just friends again. I cant even think anymore im balling my eyes out who knew you'd be the one to do this to me more then once in a lifetime, i hope i just hope that we can be something again. and i know she wont read this unless i link it to her and i doubt she will read this even if i do, i just have to say it. I Love You Bec and i dont care who knows

i dont know maybe its just paranoia in fact i know its paranoia i still dont understand why im thinking it but its concerning, sometimes we text non stop then she just doesnt reply for hours on end i dont know if im doing something wrong or if im just being crazy but its weird. i trust her and i love her and i know she loves me but its just aargh fucking paranoia fucking depression fucking GEORGE, on the upside there is one thing i can say to GEORGE i couldnt say before you sir are gonna die mother fucker two more times and you're gone forever well fingers crossed

so its not like things are bad i just dunno guess its just the C word getting me down again, i have an amazing girlfriend and she makes me smile everytime i see her, everytime i get a message from her i light up, its amazing how she can make me feel so perfect in just a moment, i love her more then life itself i would die for her and i know she isnt going to read this but I love you Rebecca you mean everything to me

I havent posted for a while but im going to eventually when i have time, right now im enjoying life with my girlfriend my friends and life is ok atm my girlfriend just always seems to bring a smile to my face, i love her so much and she means the world to me

I have it

i havent been on here for a long time, i havent rly had any news to share, life has been well life. things have been good and bad but i havent really felt like filling ppl in. the anniversary of Dan's death was on the 15th and i wasnt in a good place, so that day was shit, i thought about going to visit him, to tell him that i was still here and that i would never forget him. emotionally i think im going ok, physically is another story. A lump has been forming in my eye and it just appeared suddenly, i had no idea what it was up until today, i was hoping beyond hope that it wasnt that word, the one thing that every says is the end. i told ppl about the lump but i never said anything about it possibly being cancer. i hate that word, i rly do, i only told my bffl that it was happening i know ppl will think wtf im not ur best friend but its not like that, she's the one person ive shared everything with, absolutely everything, she knows me better than anyone, and im so thankful that i have her in my life, i dont know where i wuld be without her. i know the results but im not ready 2 tell anyone.....

in waves and waves, my feelings change, my heart and soul remains the same, what am i to do? why does my mind make me feel this? why do i suffer through? why can I not make a decision? why can't i face the truth? why can't i just say what i feel? why does the world expect me to be the one to heal? the one to heal all of your problems. I listen to you but no one listens to me. I'm drowning in misery