sometimes i envy girls who havent had boyfriends. i sometimes wish i that i didnt. i mean i love my boyfriend but when things go wrong i think about how stupid it all is. in a year he will graduate and i wont. he will go to college and i wont. we will inevitably break up and i definitely dont want to marry him so what really is the point of being in a relationship with him ? why put myself through hard times with someone that in the end wont ever matter to me again ? why waste myself on him ? i wish i could take everything ever back. i want my first kiss back, my first more intimate moment back, my virginity. i'll probably regret this all when im older. i wish my life was a book. i wanna read the ending, and especially rewrite so many moments. and i wanna know why you lied. if you needed a day without me then i would have totally understood. i wish you would communicate with me instead of leaving me in the dark so that i end up crying myself to sleep. i really am so confused. i was so unaware that i did anything so bad that it warranted just ignoring me completely. like i get that high school and shit is all a test run for real life but real life is so far away (and yes i know its not i think about my future constantly i know i only have two years until college i have everything all lined up i look at the big picture im not delusional) but really all this stupid effort and pain isnt worth it. being lonely would be better than going through this stupid relationship crap. but im so dependent on him. and its so dumb to be attached to a person that isnt in my real future but i cant help it. and when i think about breaking up with him i literally stop breathing. its so irrational to be so in love with him. but everything about his good side is so enticing and so easy to just love. he brings me in and fills me up. i feel like hes apart of me. i just dont understand what this all is. life is dumb. just really it is dumb. but he will always be my baby.

went to the city for the weekend with ryry. spent the day walking around and goofing off and getting lost. bought my first piece with him (: dinner with my sister and then crashed at her apartment. slept together for the first time. i woke up many times just to look at him. hes ahmazing. im so fully completely in love. hes my everything.

RIP Andy, forever loved.

we say i love you now. i told him how i had been waiting to say it for two months. i was happy i waited and that he said it first. and that he really means it. we will be together forever there is no doubt in either of our minds. we are so happy together. we are a perfect couple. i love him so much.

to sex or not to sex ? that is the question...

my world is perfect again.

my lungs have exploded. i cant breath. he cant resuscitate me.

i cant breath. the thought of being without him has both my lungs collapsing. i dont understand how one minute he seems so happy and the next hes so unhappy. im so confused and apparently so is he.

i am in love with him and i wanna scream it at the top of my lungs. i want to tell him over and over again how much i love him. but i know hes not ready yet and that could only push him away make him more nervous to mess up and want to leave. but i love him. when i have to leave him at night it makes me start to cry. its like walking away from my other half. my love for him courses through my veins. i am so in love with him. i cant stop thinking it i cant stop saying it i cant stop typing it. i am in love more than anything. i am in love and i dont want to stop being in love i dont want to stop thinking it or stop saying it or stop typing it. i could type it forever. i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim its a beautiful rhythm. ilovehimilovehimiloveimilovehimilovehimlovehimlovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim.

theres trouble in paradise. hes feeling confused. the last few days felt weird to him. he doesnt want to break up he wants to work through this he wants everything to be perfect. i am so in love with him. my insides have shriveled up at the thought of him feeling that way. i feel dead.