i am not done with my life
i can see the end it smiles back to me
i havent finished what i've come for
let me live without your dire shadow stalking my footsteps
i havent, no, i havent finished yet

cause your words are coming on like a train coming on fast so im gonna scream, scream my last words into the air so im im gonna scream so im ready ready ready so let me fall away le go im ready yeah im ready to scream and kiss the night away yeah im ready to scream so let me let me make my last speech but with rapid speed cause your coming fast your coming fast to hit me

the headlights blind the world around
i count the seconds left to stand
i cant hear any sound but the rush rush rush
of the black phantom
that rushes steadily
sliceing the air
defying my worst dream
yeah i count the seconds left that i have to breathe
1 2 3
and my world turns around

i shatter i shatter i break i fall to the ground so fragile so dont break me cause im shattered she looks alone her face, yeah they would scream yeah i can see it in her eyes yeah she would scream but shes got nothing left no more trys

so finally
i stand here broken, accepting defeat
i resound everything that has come onto me
with 3 words
i wasn't ready
i wasn't ready
i wasn't ready
do you hear me?
i wasn't, i wasn't, i wasn't ready

i wasn't ready...

i have tried to re-evaluate my life and my choices i am making.

so far i have reached.. well.. no conclusions.

but i guess then i will just have to keep thinking :D

i am just 16..i have my whole life ahead of me. and today, none of any of this will matter in the spectrum of my life. of the universe. i am just one small bug... i have to just take what i have and make the best of it. and make good decisions and not the easy ones. hmm. well i would definitly be happy to take the art career path, the only problem with that is the fact that i really would not like to live in the city. my dream place to live would be by a beach or up in the mountains or out in the country... but i suppose that i could take a couple years and have an apartment somewhere in new york and study art. the thing is that if i live in a not city place, my art will never have a chance to be recognized, or sucseed at all...which is something that is not particulary terrible to me... but i dont want to wake up 1000 years old and realise i have wasted my life fucking around doing nothing. and also, i am afraid that if i live somewhere...with less people around (senic?) i am almost sure that i would become completely anti-social and be alone and lonley my entire life. WHICH WOULD SUCK. alot...i am no paris hilton but neither am i a cat lady. haha

and i want christian to call. he hasnt called all day. and i hate it when that happens.. 

i feel so disgusting... i hate myself and my body and my face and my skin everything is wrong and im so gross and i just hate it because i feel so lazy and fat but i am always so tired and exhausted and i have really bad headaches and i cant ever eat right... i feel like such a fat ass and i hate it...ug i just am so big i hate it. and those are my stupid unnecessary complaints.   

FUCK THIS FUCKING WEBSITE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

i have these words that keep poping up, in my head. they keep coming up and answering every last tought i have

confusion....confusing

deluding

sanity, crazy

live

me

you

see

DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M HAPPY WITH MYSELF FOR THAT?????? DO YOU??????? DO YOU THINK I'M SATISFIED WITH THAT??? DO YOU THINK I CAN LIVE WITH THAT????

i think that it is somehow significant that i keep coming back to this time in my life. and the times when i was little. it is just this thought that relentlessly never leaves my brain, always interrupting and deluding, and its confusing, i think thats why im "crazy" its these things that wont leave.....

maybe its because i never solved them...i never found an end...or not an end...but a solution...you know?? i dont know? its seems like the answer is so simple but so hard

it was slightly odd that the phone call happened to end at the time it did, she felt in a way that it had somehow meant something.. it was not just a mistake, error, miscalculation, it had somehow called out to her..it had somehow expressed...something....it just was not a normal end to a call. and, thinking about the conversation that had just been, conversated, she saw the representation of the lack of feelings she recieved, possibly, the lack of feelings recieved was why she couldn't answer the question...she couldnt answer the only question that was aimed at her, and that the phone had decided to die on the certain moment that it did was a representation that he actually did not want to know the answer to the question, and he would have rather have been asked more questions, but not knowing exactly what to say, had taken an easy responce, after having answered her question. so he didnt really want to know the answer to "how about you" he wanted to say more about himself. this was fine, completley fine, to talk about youself is a joy that some people just cannot control, cannot sufficiently restrict themselves to not say too much about themselves. and this is something she understood, and she believed truthfully that this did not make a person bad just normal, and he was more normal then he fears, he is his worst fear. she knew this, but it was something she would never say, one of the many things she would never say, because she knew she would never be able to explain why her gut told he that the phone call ended signifying something, because of something. no, she could never explain and she never will try. but what she did know was that it was not okay that he though he knew everything, it was actually laughable that he though he knew all about her. he didnt know half... and again...he gut told her that he didnt really care... that possibly he thinks he cared but really he was in love with the aspect of there relationship that included talking about himself...

but nothing will matter for very long. ONE MORE YEAR AND IM GONE BABY GONE IM SO GONE.

im sorry but i cant have all these influences influenceing me all the time i gotta find out who i am . he is a good guy but not a great guy. its cool whatever ill deal. it will make me stronger anyways. ill just enjoy this shit while i have it then im so gone.

im bored... i wrote these

The ground tells all 

the branches spindle
the branches spindle
upwards they look pretty
they look pretty with the sky
and thats where i cry
and thats where i cry
and the birds sing
the birds look like they dont know
anything
there so oblivious its pretty
they can sing
i am
alone in this great hole
alone with no soul
and i
am trying trying trying to shake
to shake the feelings
to shake it off
i am trying so hard
i am trying so hard
i am trying but every last effort
trows itself off the side of the railing
and the ground tells all
with ever splattered lie and sin
but i wont let myself fall
i wont let myself fall
and i will pull myself
back to reality
back to where
i am supposed to be
i wont die
i wont cry.
i wont let myself fall
and look pretty against the great sky
i wont fall and for the last seconds
look pretty against the sky
and i wont fly like the brids
for the last seconds
no i wont i wont die
i am fine

 four walls

leave with or without me,
cause i cant stand
what i see now
and its
not you

its just surronding ever corner, quickly sucking away
the needed air, the air i have to breathe, i can taste and smell it
its forming, irregulariy, sucking every last breathe and pulling the ground from under me, and these four walls are so simple but so complex
because they stand and fall with every breath. and i cant see and i cant see and i cant see any more then what these four walls can show me and with nothing to see i am nothing to be, i am a matter of what other people give me i am
what you want me to be
i am you?
i am me.

and i cant see, i cant see, i cant see what i wanted to be, i cant see the person i wanted to achieve, i cant see me in the furture, i have absoultly no capacity, no destination, no anticipation, no desperation, i am so nothing i am so nothing.
 
these-
four walls
four walls
four walls

they dont know me,
they dont see me,
but i can see,
(they stand so sturdy-take me with you)
how they are haunting me.

my dads aunt died yesturday. it is sad. i feel bad for him and for that side of my family. its sadsadsadsad. i am selfish and i hate myself. and i hate myself for saying i hate myself because someone might pity me if i say i hate myself. and i hate myself for saying that because somone might think i'm only saying that so people pity me. and i hate myself for thinking people would pity me because nobody would. and i hate myself for really wanting people to pity me. and i hate myself because i dont really know if i want people to pity me because i dont deserve pity. and i hate myself because when you want/recieve pity your pathetic. and i hate myself for talking about hating myself insetead of my dad and his aunt

i didnt know her, if i ever met her i cant remember. i am never sad when people die...i've never known anybody close that has died...my great grandma i wasn't even sad for, i was sad for my mom and my grandma because i knew they were so sad. i remember seeing my mom being sad and crying. i dont remember seeing my grandma sad but know i realise that was probably because she was still in wisconsin when she died and so i would have never seen her mourning. i wasnt sad at all. even though i knew i would never see her again i still wasnt sad. it just never happened. i just accepted it. and stopped thinking about it. and when mary lou died i did the same thing. i still remember seeing both of them in there caskets. mary lou did not look like herself at all. my mom said if she looked more like herself she might have been more sad...more "hard" for her. hard to deal with hard to think of her in her grave with maggots crawling through her body and eating her from the inside out. i remember mary lou, she was really sweet and when we went to her house she always had various stuffed toys on the steps of her starway. some of them played music and some of them moved. i think i remember making them all go at once before. i can see her face but parts of it are blurry....i can see the general outline of her head and her light blondish(?) thin hair... and her nose and her chin...her nose was  pointed(?) slightly and her chin. i hope im not being stupid and saying the wrong thing. i remember she was a sweet lady. she was very sweet. and i can remember her voice... my grandma did her taxes for her because it was hard for her...she was old. she was older then my grandma. i remember her door and her starway, of her house. she worked at carson's.. she and my grandma were shopping buddies. they both loved carson's. i dont think i was scared of mary lou.

thats all i remember

i remember my great grandma loved pepermints. i remember that we used to always go to the crakle barrel and when we bought things in the little store we always got her pepermints. i remember she loved max. she loved him loved him loved him. i remember thinking she lived max more then me. i think when i saw her happy with max i didnt care. i remember that she made ornaments, they were stuffed little figures of characters in stories of movies, mostly the original disney ones. and she made so many that my grandma's whole christmas tree was filled up with them. and even though it was a fake tree it was the most beautiful tree i'd ever seen. it was amazing. i remember seeing her make some ornaments. i remember that she sometimes had trouble getting out of my grandpas car. i think i was scared to talk to her. but i still loved her. i know that my mom and my grandma love her very much.

i hope im sad when other people die. i think i will be, i just didnt know them well enough to be sad. i remember both of them in there caskets, i was scared to see my great grandma. there was a line during church and people could go see her one last time before they closed it. i was scared and they said i didnt have to go...i think... but i made myself... i just felt like it was the thing i had to do. i dont think liz or ali went. or they might have followed me. i dont know, i just remember getting up and going. i dont remember the rest... but i remember her in her casket. i was surprised...because she didnt look like herself. neither did mary lou...they looked like wax meuseum figures...like soemone made them to look like them... but they didnt.... and there eyes were closed and it was weird..... it was too weird...