i have these words that keep poping up, in my head. they keep coming up and answering every last tought i have

confusion....confusing

deluding

sanity, crazy

live

me

you

see

DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M HAPPY WITH MYSELF FOR THAT?????? DO YOU??????? DO YOU THINK I'M SATISFIED WITH THAT??? DO YOU THINK I CAN LIVE WITH THAT????

i think that it is somehow significant that i keep coming back to this time in my life. and the times when i was little. it is just this thought that relentlessly never leaves my brain, always interrupting and deluding, and its confusing, i think thats why im "crazy" its these things that wont leave.....

maybe its because i never solved them...i never found an end...or not an end...but a solution...you know?? i dont know? its seems like the answer is so simple but so hard

it was slightly odd that the phone call happened to end at the time it did, she felt in a way that it had somehow meant something.. it was not just a mistake, error, miscalculation, it had somehow called out to her..it had somehow expressed...something....it just was not a normal end to a call. and, thinking about the conversation that had just been, conversated, she saw the representation of the lack of feelings she recieved, possibly, the lack of feelings recieved was why she couldn't answer the question...she couldnt answer the only question that was aimed at her, and that the phone had decided to die on the certain moment that it did was a representation that he actually did not want to know the answer to the question, and he would have rather have been asked more questions, but not knowing exactly what to say, had taken an easy responce, after having answered her question. so he didnt really want to know the answer to "how about you" he wanted to say more about himself. this was fine, completley fine, to talk about youself is a joy that some people just cannot control, cannot sufficiently restrict themselves to not say too much about themselves. and this is something she understood, and she believed truthfully that this did not make a person bad just normal, and he was more normal then he fears, he is his worst fear. she knew this, but it was something she would never say, one of the many things she would never say, because she knew she would never be able to explain why her gut told he that the phone call ended signifying something, because of something. no, she could never explain and she never will try. but what she did know was that it was not okay that he though he knew everything, it was actually laughable that he though he knew all about her. he didnt know half... and again...he gut told her that he didnt really care... that possibly he thinks he cared but really he was in love with the aspect of there relationship that included talking about himself...

but nothing will matter for very long. ONE MORE YEAR AND IM GONE BABY GONE IM SO GONE.

im sorry but i cant have all these influences influenceing me all the time i gotta find out who i am . he is a good guy but not a great guy. its cool whatever ill deal. it will make me stronger anyways. ill just enjoy this shit while i have it then im so gone.

im bored... i wrote these

The ground tells all 

the branches spindle
the branches spindle
upwards they look pretty
they look pretty with the sky
and thats where i cry
and thats where i cry
and the birds sing
the birds look like they dont know
anything
there so oblivious its pretty
they can sing
i am
alone in this great hole
alone with no soul
and i
am trying trying trying to shake
to shake the feelings
to shake it off
i am trying so hard
i am trying so hard
i am trying but every last effort
trows itself off the side of the railing
and the ground tells all
with ever splattered lie and sin
but i wont let myself fall
i wont let myself fall
and i will pull myself
back to reality
back to where
i am supposed to be
i wont die
i wont cry.
i wont let myself fall
and look pretty against the great sky
i wont fall and for the last seconds
look pretty against the sky
and i wont fly like the brids
for the last seconds
no i wont i wont die
i am fine

 four walls

leave with or without me,
cause i cant stand
what i see now
and its
not you

its just surronding ever corner, quickly sucking away
the needed air, the air i have to breathe, i can taste and smell it
its forming, irregulariy, sucking every last breathe and pulling the ground from under me, and these four walls are so simple but so complex
because they stand and fall with every breath. and i cant see and i cant see and i cant see any more then what these four walls can show me and with nothing to see i am nothing to be, i am a matter of what other people give me i am
what you want me to be
i am you?
i am me.

and i cant see, i cant see, i cant see what i wanted to be, i cant see the person i wanted to achieve, i cant see me in the furture, i have absoultly no capacity, no destination, no anticipation, no desperation, i am so nothing i am so nothing.
 
these-
four walls
four walls
four walls

they dont know me,
they dont see me,
but i can see,
(they stand so sturdy-take me with you)
how they are haunting me.

my dads aunt died yesturday. it is sad. i feel bad for him and for that side of my family. its sadsadsadsad. i am selfish and i hate myself. and i hate myself for saying i hate myself because someone might pity me if i say i hate myself. and i hate myself for saying that because somone might think i'm only saying that so people pity me. and i hate myself for thinking people would pity me because nobody would. and i hate myself for really wanting people to pity me. and i hate myself because i dont really know if i want people to pity me because i dont deserve pity. and i hate myself because when you want/recieve pity your pathetic. and i hate myself for talking about hating myself insetead of my dad and his aunt

i didnt know her, if i ever met her i cant remember. i am never sad when people die...i've never known anybody close that has died...my great grandma i wasn't even sad for, i was sad for my mom and my grandma because i knew they were so sad. i remember seeing my mom being sad and crying. i dont remember seeing my grandma sad but know i realise that was probably because she was still in wisconsin when she died and so i would have never seen her mourning. i wasnt sad at all. even though i knew i would never see her again i still wasnt sad. it just never happened. i just accepted it. and stopped thinking about it. and when mary lou died i did the same thing. i still remember seeing both of them in there caskets. mary lou did not look like herself at all. my mom said if she looked more like herself she might have been more sad...more "hard" for her. hard to deal with hard to think of her in her grave with maggots crawling through her body and eating her from the inside out. i remember mary lou, she was really sweet and when we went to her house she always had various stuffed toys on the steps of her starway. some of them played music and some of them moved. i think i remember making them all go at once before. i can see her face but parts of it are blurry....i can see the general outline of her head and her light blondish(?) thin hair... and her nose and her chin...her nose was  pointed(?) slightly and her chin. i hope im not being stupid and saying the wrong thing. i remember she was a sweet lady. she was very sweet. and i can remember her voice... my grandma did her taxes for her because it was hard for her...she was old. she was older then my grandma. i remember her door and her starway, of her house. she worked at carson's.. she and my grandma were shopping buddies. they both loved carson's. i dont think i was scared of mary lou.

thats all i remember

i remember my great grandma loved pepermints. i remember that we used to always go to the crakle barrel and when we bought things in the little store we always got her pepermints. i remember she loved max. she loved him loved him loved him. i remember thinking she lived max more then me. i think when i saw her happy with max i didnt care. i remember that she made ornaments, they were stuffed little figures of characters in stories of movies, mostly the original disney ones. and she made so many that my grandma's whole christmas tree was filled up with them. and even though it was a fake tree it was the most beautiful tree i'd ever seen. it was amazing. i remember seeing her make some ornaments. i remember that she sometimes had trouble getting out of my grandpas car. i think i was scared to talk to her. but i still loved her. i know that my mom and my grandma love her very much.

i hope im sad when other people die. i think i will be, i just didnt know them well enough to be sad. i remember both of them in there caskets, i was scared to see my great grandma. there was a line during church and people could go see her one last time before they closed it. i was scared and they said i didnt have to go...i think... but i made myself... i just felt like it was the thing i had to do. i dont think liz or ali went. or they might have followed me. i dont know, i just remember getting up and going. i dont remember the rest... but i remember her in her casket. i was surprised...because she didnt look like herself. neither did mary lou...they looked like wax meuseum figures...like soemone made them to look like them... but they didnt.... and there eyes were closed and it was weird..... it was too weird...

okay okay i need to stop this. i've gone on for too long. and i need to be normal again. so i've decided that this place. here this is the only place where i can let it out. im not going to act so weird anymore. i will change myself because its better for me and other people.

plus, i have absolutley no reason to be crazy.

but i cant really help myself. so this will be like my outlet...like where i can let it out you know? my laughing place like in the book.

and he  needs me to be happy, so no more depressed shit. even if i feel it. im not gonna show it. not anymore. put on a happy face and smile. because noone likes an unhappy person. they arent fun to be around...

plus no matter how hard i try to explain nobody understands..

oh say what you want blame what you want
promises come to quick
and easy
like me?
doesnt matter
because some day you'll forget all about me
ABOUT ALL THE SHIT
someday you'll lie
to some new qirl
new girl to trick
and try some new hit
so dont speak, no dont speak
about IT

you make them bear all
you make them stand tall
but then you break them
but soon they fall
collapse, crash,
and you dash
the other way
i just wanna say
thanks

i try to remember
why i like you
and i cant seem to tell
i try to find
some good thing about you
but nothing comes to mind
im sorry but your stupid
you've never opened your eyes
and when i ask you why you love me
all you tell is
lies
lies
lies

go on go on
hit on my best friend
friends forever till the end
ha thats fine
im not sad
you'll get hurt worse ever
because in her eyes guys are just a fad
and to be honest
i like your best friend too
i'd probably be with him
had i not been with you
somday you'll realise
that youve lost what you need
things matter more when there gone
but dood im not coming back
so so long

i try to remember
why i like you
and i cant seem to tell
i try to find
some good thing about you
but nothing comes to mind
im sorry but your stupid
you've never opened your eyes
and when i ask you why you love me
all you tell is
lies
lies
lies

somday you'll realise
that youve lost what you need
things matter more when there gone
but dood im not coming back
so so long

ha that really happened to me. my boyfriend was like totally into my best friend while we were going out...hmm it must have been THREE months into our relationship. very nice. cant trust fucking anybody. seriously. i guess im over it. i should have broken up with him though. and ditched connie. ha why i let myself get so stepped over i just dont know. and i liked his best friend alot . but loyal fucking me totally stopped right when we started going out. haaa fuckkkk. whateverr.

talked to christian. his dad took him to a councler today.

i dont feel like saying anything right now. maybe i will later.

the voices in the night
call my name
i fall into shame
onto the ground
but terrified
then suddenly not a sound
carries its way
and the night turns into day
as i stare into the light
no less comforted then before
the eerie sight
of the falling of the night
doesn't reassure me sane
i fear the absent air
for noone stands there
but theres a feeling of despair
creeping up my spine
twisting up inside
and the shine
reaches my eyes
and i fall down on the floor
and while i lay unconcious
i will dream about the noxious
toxic blotches
desturbing my right of choosing
which way i will be abusing
and deluding me
internally disturbing me and
casuing my mental sore
as i lay unconcious on the floor
and suddenly thrust to reality
i see eyes are sorefully gazing at me
as if through a glass
they are real but somehow not
and i deepen in confusion
throughts erupt in unkept delusion
and i make a desicion
to arise from the floor
but somehow unwilling
i am not allowed my bidding
and find myself unable
and that my limbs are quite unstable
and somehow more confusion
ballons inside gallore
after recalculating
i am shocked but understanding
why i am this statue
lying on the floor
and there i stay wondering
while above the voices thundering
up over my covering
here i stay silently
not making any puncture
in the world that was once my home
and this is how i will stay
enternally
neverending
never fluctuating or bending
straining
but never reaching the door
there i stay
lying on the floor