christian came over yeturday

it was okay i guess nobody would leave us alone. i just wanted to talk to him....and maybe cuddle or something...i kinda need it but whatever.

through the still
come quick
the waves
are crashing over me
i'm sick
will paranoia
i cant see
but i am fine
i am fine

so the world is spinning
sleep comes easy
it doenst matter because when i wake up
there will be no residue of my disturbing
calamity

god help me
god save me
god reach out your hands
and come to me

lights and sounds are lies!
the world is darkness
my eyes are a riot!
my eyes are a riot!
my eyes are a riot!

i'm fine
i'm fine
i'm fine
(my eyes are a riot)
i'll be better in time
(my eyes are a riot)
(my eyes are a riot)

nothing happened really... i got really really dizzy and i was fighting the confusion part

so yeah

i guess i'm okay

was for alex. i love him and i don't wanna see him grow up and face this evil fucking world. but it has to happen.... i love that cutie so much... he's like my little angel really... sometimes i think he's an angel that God sent me. actually i know he is

sucks. 

umm 

yesturday something really weird happened to me

i'm kinda freaked out but i dunno.

so i was talking to christian and everything was fine. we were joking around and happy and normal. Then like out of nowhere i couldn't really remember what we were talking about and i guess i was like talking to myself... i really didn't know what was going on...it was like my thoughts were really confused and cloudy and i was scared... i think i started hyperventilating because i couldn't catch my breath and my head felt dizzy and my hand felt numb. ah it freaked me out but all of this happened while i was still on the phone with him... i just...i just don't know what happened but this whole thing is scaring me and i just want everything to be more clear. and then i started crying and i just kept thinking..stop just stop your fine... but nothing came out right i was so confused... but christian helped, he helped me calm down and he was really sweet so i'm glad i was on the phone with him. he just told me just told me to take an advil and go to sleep and he helped me through the whole thing. i really love him so much... but i hope he doesn't think i'm making it up because i swear to god i'm NOT. i dont want this to happen i want it to go away and i don't want attention on me or for me.... i dont wanna be selfish and i just want this to go away. and i'm scared its gonna happen again it was so scary and confusing and i just really cannot explain.

i dont wanna be crazy...i really dont.  

just so in-content is that even a word? is that the write word anyways just i'm never happy i try and be positive and i try and try and try but i cant nothing works out ever ever ever and god i just wish i could let myself and everyone be happy 

BUT I CANT I CANT EVER EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT SO WHY AM I EVEN HERE??  

ahhh thats lame i forgot to write the subject and it deleted everything i wrote. ug that pisses me off. i don't wanna fricking write it all again. 

okay well my day was pretty blah.

yeah just fucking forget it. i dont wanna write it again and it sounds fucking stupid anyways. so what fucking ever everything i say sounds fucking stupid and my fucking profanity doesn't really fucking help but whatever thats how my thoughts are anyways just fucking stupid god why am i so stupidd????????? i'll just read and be like what the hell. and some people need to just shut the fuck up and mind there own fucking business and stop acting like my fucking mom because i definitely don't need two. 

say to myself
today's gonna suck
i wake up every morning
with a strain on my heart
and a pain in my head
all the things i did
comes back to me
when i get out of bed
i see your face
the first thing i see
and everything comes back to me

and i'll remember
what happened yesturday
and i'll try to forget
whats gonna happen today

you know i love you
but i just cant keep going through
everything everyday
things just cant keep happening this way
i need to surrender
its bad for us both
i cant always be the defender
theres no more hope

i wake up every morning
with a strain on my heart
and a pain in my head
all the things i did
comes back to me
when i get out of bed
i see your face
the first thing i see
and everything comes back to me

it was a long time ago
but i'm not completely healed
no i havent forgot
you broke through my shield
and now my wounds
are open to the air
and it stings, oh it stings

i trusted you
i gave you something i cant take back
and you threw it on the ground
you destroyed it...me
you destroyed me

how could you?
how could you?
how could you hurt me like that?

and i still cry
when i think of it
i hope she knows
how much she meant
in the moment 
im so sorry i'm not perfect

i thought i meant more than that
i thought i meant more than that
if you cared
i wouldn't have to share you

i thought you were the answer
i thought you were the answer
why aren't you the answer?
please give me an answer

what did i do?
what did i do?
what did i do?
what did i do wrong?

i want
i want
i want
i want to be strong.

but something about you
breaks me down
tears me apart
throws me around
leave me alone
i am done with this disection
this experimental selection

what am i to you?

i went to a movie with christian last night.. it was actually really fun.. it made me happy.. i hope things actually stay like this though. he said he changed.... 

you liked her didn't you?
cause i'm not so cool
im quite a show
but you already know
dont play with me
hypocrisy
you did it all
now you wanna blame me?
thats funny.
i gave you everything
and you took it all
and in return nothing back
nothing to cushion my fall
when i met you i never would have though
that love would suck so bad
i never would have gave it a try
had i known it would leave me so sad
and it hurt
every word
every thing
every time
it happened again
it ripped me out of my world
and tore me apart
and sent me back in
stitched and brused
i was okay
but used.