janguary's Journal

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  • gah. im so sick of subjects

    by janguary on November 20, 2008
    i feel really sick. maybe i am sick. maybe its because i haven't really eaten much today... i'm still so tired. i took 2 advils and i cant even remember why...oh yeah, because i thought for some reason it would wake me up. well it didnt. whatever. 
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  • today

    by janguary on November 19, 2008

    i was exausted again. i wonder when this is ever gonna end. but weirdly i was tired but not, like i felt like i had just drunk 10g of coffee or something. i felt really shaky and kinda dizzy and just weird. christian wasn't at school. i am kinda suspicious of whats going on with him latley. last night he said he went to a concert and i know that because i talked to some people who saw him there, but he was supposed to call me around 9 and he never did that. yeah he doesnt have a cell but he could use somebody else's...he usually does that anyways. and today he wasn't at school and his sister was.... so i know she could have given him a ride so i hope he doesnt pull that one on me. and i just fucking called him and noone answered... what the fuck. am i being played? because "i dont like being played" as someone has said to me before. hahahah goooood times. not. really. but seriously i hope i'm not...am i? ahh

    i wrote this in my study hall again. its in me and christian's notebook but i will probably rip in out. just so i dont freak him out.  i spent lunch by myself in the library....its actually a relief not to have to talk to people.

    i miss you and i wish you were here i hate everybody and i hate this day and i dont feel good and i wanna go home and i'm worried because i hope nothing happened to you bad. and this day feels like a week i'm so unconscious today but enough to feel like shit haha thank you very much it is so hard to force myself to do things today unbelievably hard people dont know hard work at all they dont they dont understand and nobody understands me especially myself im done im done with forcing myself i cant i cant anymore i really need you today i wish you were here im so tired and i feel so weird like a nervous feeling like impatient and all twitchy but im not thinking anything im just shaky and i have this weird feeling its like light but not in a good way its bad and uncomfortable and im sorry im sorry but i cant force myself to do anything anymore right now i just cant im sorry im sorry im not good really i am im so lost im sorry im like this but is it in my head? or is it real i cant tell i cant ever tell im kindof aware but not really not really i wish i could think clearer i think i would be smart i wish i could be smart i want to but i cant ever ever i cant ever be smart and you cant say i am because your not me you dont understand how fucking primitive my thoughts are, thought processing so dont fucking say im smart dont say it dont say it  dont say anything i know what i am i do im aware i can compare myself to what i should be and im failing im failing  so miserably at life and everything im so wrong everything is wrong and im in this cloud and i need to get out i want to be out again but i cant get out i was scared of this and it happened again i knew it would i knewit would happen its karma for doing the wrong thing making the wrong choice god is like how the puritians though of his he wants tho throw us in the fire we are bugs we are in hell now im sorry really sorry i did all that wrong iam sorry everything is so unconnected why dont i connect together? like i should? its not fair yes it is because its motherfucking karma

     yeah i dont know why the limited use of periods but whatever.

    I DONT WANNA GET SCREWED WITH.

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  • i am

    by janguary on November 19, 2008
    so tired. im so exausted. my mood is so black.. i can barley type. im so tired... i really need sleep. i tryed calling connie back in spite of this. but she didnt answer... actually i find myself more relieved then annoyed when she doesnt pick up latley. i feel like our friendship is slipping away, becoming a part of my past, a part of the old me. i dont know if we are still going to be friends for very long. yeah i love her, but she is going down a weird path and i am not sure if i want to follow. i make my own decisions now. just i used to completely worship her. i was so envious of how she was. i modeled myself to be just like her, and know i just find her more pathetic then inspirational. i feel so bad for her though, with her mental issues and her problems with her mom, but i kinda really really feel bad for her mom....i dunno. i am still good friends with mal, and i hope that we will continue to be friends because i feel like she's a good one to have. yeah i can relate to connie more, and we have our super weird sister like connection, but she really doesnt do anything good for me. her morals are distorted and she really has absolutley no direction. and because of her (but not blaming her) i am kinda weird...but thats also just me. if i never would have met her i still would be so shy and "socially-retarded" as my friends put it... the fact is that i had no social skills, i didn't know how to "talk" to people. i didnt know how to engage in conversation, i didn't know how to respond, i didn't know how to not sound mean... i was so lost... really for much of my elementary school years were spent alone or feeling like i didn't belong, just feeling "not right" in my little group. i felt more right alone, or hanging out with the different kids...misfits...weirdos... i got along with them so well and i always defended them if they were being made fun of, not to be a hero, just for being fair. which was in my opinion the most important thing. when i met connie i completely dropped everything...everything that i stood for at such a small age. i...for the first time..i talked about people behind there backs, i tryed to draw attention to myself (in negitive attention drawing ways) ii was a different me. what happened?... i am so loyal to who i am with that it is almost scary...i now realise that posibly the way i was acting was putting my loyalty to connie before my high standards of right and wrong. to me it came down to...areyou going to lose the only friend you have? or are you going to change yourself? and i chose the wrong thing. i wish icould go back in time.
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  • so

    by janguary on November 18, 2008

    i feel really blah.

    i was really mad today. i wrote this in my study hall.

    and a sick wave of rage washed over me, through me, blurring my sight and internally putting a smoky veil of anger and clouding my thoughts, taking over my thoughts. I am the hulk.I am changed. I am powerful and strong. and i am not willing to lose it now. the pound, pound, pound of pain thundering, rupturing, held inside my head is the beat of my own war drum. Exciting and hypnotising me in it's strange steady rythem. i am focused for the first time in a long time. and i am ready.

    (I am Strong)

     i capitalized the S in strong because doing so i had given myself a new identity. because i had never felt the way i had, i was a different person, and this person wants power and isn't overcome by her emotions, which is a flaw of mine. one of many. Emily is never strong. she is pushed around by everyone and takes everything to heart. she cares too much too. she is selfish and she lives in here own world. and she doesnt see like others do. she is lazy and she never makes a dent in anything or anybody. she hasn't experianced half of life because she is too scared or too stupid. I need to be Strong. I have too.

    now i am drained. i don't feel anything. i have no energy to do anything. i just sit here. i am tired of trying, but litterally, i am so tired. and my headaches are coming back and they hurt really bad. and i am so confused sometimes. and am starting to get scared and paniciy all the time. like something will set me off and everything will slow down...and my thoughts are really jumbled and when i try to talk some things come out that i was supposed to think not say.. and i just don't feel in control. its the weirdest thing but in a way it is interesting.

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  • lsdija/lskfj

    by janguary on November 18, 2008

    i want someone to understand how i feel. can someone explain this shit to me?

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  • sometimes i get so twisted up in everything that i just wanna let go and fall where i fall.

    by janguary on November 18, 2008

    i find some things so difficult that shouldn't be... why am i constantly wondering what's wrong with me? why am i never content with my life? why am i never content with myself?

     

    the truth is, you should have helped me. you should have said she's crazy. i knew you wanted to give up on me. you dont understand me. you were...disgusted.... i saw the look in your eyes... i saw it. dont try to say you dont feel the way you do because i SAW it. you can't hide how you feel about me. i don't blame you. i'm just saying dont FUCKING DENY IT.

    that was the worst feeling ever...ever...that i've ever felt. to have the ONE person you are always trying to impress...the ONE person that you look up to the most....be disgusted just by the sight of you........

    I FELT SO FUCKING PATHETIC. DO YOU THINK THAT I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF?? I'M NOT. I HOPE YOUR HAPPY ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IT'S WHAT YOU WANTED..I FELT LIKE A COMPLETE FUCK UP AND A WASTE OF SPACE. BUT WORSE...I WAS EMBARESSED...I WAS A BUG.... I WAS COMPLETELY EXPOSED AND YOU RUBBED IT IN MY FACE

    DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M HAPPY WITH MYSELF FOR THAT?????? DO YOU??????? DO YOU THINK I'M SATISFIED WITH THAT??? DO YOU THINK I CAN LIVE WITH THAT????

    BECAUSE I WISH I COULD BUT I CAN'T AND I NEVER WILL

    so why can't i give up on you? why can't i acept the fact that you will NEVER understand me. EVER. i take all the shit you've ever said to be and i keep it. and it sucks me dry everyday. i know you probably forgot it all but the fact that at some point in time you actually felt like that kills me....

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  • so

    by janguary on November 17, 2008

    i am so embarresed about all that... i just couldn't help it... i'm okay now...i'm happy.. the feeling went away again. i feel good about everything and i played with alex for a long time today and it made me so happy to see him laugh. actually, he's here right now. i'm afraid i am kind of ignoring him right this second but there is only so much.."emily, emily, so...i..yeah..like...i want this for christmas...but maybe i'll ask for it...next year...if i remember..." he's so adorable when he talks he draws out his sentences and he often gets distracted and forgets what he's talking about/the point. Now he's stealing my chapstick. haha. he said he's going to take it to smell it when he wants too. What a funny kid...carrying a chapstick around to smell? rather then...umm....actually un-chap your lips... :D

    There's one thing that i know i am blessed and so grateful about and thats having alex for a little brother... i would do anything for him. I owe him...he makes me happy when i feel like the feeling is non-existant. if anything ever happened to him the world would be pointless to live in... He makes everyone so happy...he pretty much keeps our family together... we owe him so much.. thats why i think he's an angel.. that god sent him as our angel to take care of us... because as we teach him and love him and help him grow he is helping us remember the simple things... Little kids are good in that way, because we all should be able to be happy about simple things... i am a prime example of someone who should take that advice....and i wish i could...

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  • yeah

    by janguary on November 16, 2008

    so she said i was crazy and i was trying to be emo and get attention hahahahahahaha i guess i fucking am your right you were right the whole time so why didnt you try to help me????? thats all i wanna know? why didnt you???? but I DONT WANT ANY OF THAT I JUST AM THATS WHAT I AM so WHY DONT YOU WANT TO HELP ME?????????? i feel like screaming it i just want to expload i want to expload and leave leave everyone to have a better life without me

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  • lcja'olds

    by janguary on November 16, 2008

    um im only posting that stuff because i want to record it to see if i remember writing it...or how i felt. im not trying to gain anyone's pity i do not need it. its kinda an experiment. to see if i'm sane. haha. does it really matter if i am?

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  • i

    by janguary on November 16, 2008

    I DONT WANNA BE THE PERSON THAT I AM

    I WANT TO HAVE FUCKING CONTROL. I DON'T WANNA SOUND SO FUCKING PATHETIC AND WEAK. I WANT TO SIT HERE EVERY DAY AND WALLOW IN MY FUCKING PITY. I WANT TO HAVE A LIFE. I WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T MY FAULT

    BUT I KNOW IY IS I KNOW I KLNOW BUT I TRY I TRY AND I TRY SO HARD BUT EVERYTHING COMES BACK ALL THE FEELINGS COME BACK

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

    i just want this to stop i wanna get out of this so much i just wanna i dunno just im sorry im really sorry just please  i dont know ahh i dont know

    i just dont wanna be like this you know? i want to be normal and happy. sorry if someone reads this do you think i'm crazy? i dont know if i'm crazy or exagerating but i dont wanna exagerate i reaalllyyy want this to go away. ah i hope i'm not exageratingg i dont wanna attract attention and i dont wanna be selfish i hate myself for saying this stuff right now i dont want anyone ever to feel bad for me so if you are please stop i'm justim just so pathetic just tell me one thing though am i crazy??? i have a good life really i do and i'm grateful for everything i am so lucky so whats wrong with me???? is this all in my head because i dont know.... i'm so stupid i hate it...and im reading this and it sounds crazy sorry im sorry

    im just so sorry for being here and wasting your time i dont deserve anything anyone please i want to be alone by myself and out of everyone's life i really do i dont want anyyonnes help i just want to be alone

    i wish i really wish i was strong im trying so hard but i am so confused i dont even know how to explain it..................... just suck it up suck it up ah stop talking about yourself talk about something important stop fucking talking about yourself and your stupid nonexistant problems because ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD STOP LIVING IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD EMILY THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HERE AND THEY NEED YOU TOO YOU JUST NEED THEM AND YOU NEED ME AND YOU NEED TO STOP BEING A BABY AND GET A FUCKING GRIP okay okay okay im coming back ill try not to leave again iiiiiiiiiiiiiii hate myself

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