janguary's Journal

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  • xxxxx

    by janguary on October 04, 2009
    i like you colin, that worries and scares me. i'm scared to be known, will you accept me? my faults?
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  • the future

    by janguary on October 04, 2009
    sonic power predicts the future while our souls are in the dumpster holy electric night where does my spirit lie? i see ancient slumbering faces mouthes agape still wondering eternally why they didn't escape dream deserts, i walk through frozen fire one foot in front of the other till the time before is the time now and the difference is lost like unwound clocks the golden pool the withering mirage feeds my eyes but my body dies dancing, crying, screaming and i fall softly half-dreaming the ground is back my feet are tired my hands filled with sand the world is drier than the air and i lay sprawled barely there milky noises haunting figures feed my partched lips with healing, dancing, finger-tips into the dark forgotten twist and bend furthermore into sunken black sheets where friends and enimies lay in defeat the blackest sun will never cease blackening, silencing, where the golden angels lie trapped under the starless sky the pool pandora came to try egniting all that dries withering desolate cries release the pure golden faces from the clutches and the cages down with the gluttonous prince his fingers locked his gateways blocked but the sword from within slices through his dirty grin the harp is strung the opened gate across the fence to my escape
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  • you gave in to the moment

    by janguary on October 04, 2009
    he holds you like he's so sure like every moment beneath you is unreal, dust HE CRIPPLES YOU AND THERE'S DANGER IN HIS TOUCH but every day wasn't real till he made his mark on you the fight, the fight the... you wear white he reads you he needs you and the time's gone you gave in to the moment the warm water flows down the drain you gave in to the facade you've gone bad but his silver wings... you thought he carried you! but his oval eyes you knew you knew you knew it's a window YOU saw THROUGH his tears were distant unexsistant...
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  • new stuff

    by janguary on October 04, 2009
    baby's got to have a talk right here and now and with our hands interlocked clutching like the devil's man there we stand, hand in hand eyes locked searching for reprimand please, understand baby now you look away into the mist of yesturday when are's army came to slay the faces of tommorow-land yet here we still stand hand in hand searching eachother's eyes for reprimand for tommorow's time is a distand land to distant to comprehend but at the throne of our next sunken man who'll guide us through the empty years and pretend our eyes are dry not tear-ed and show us how to take commands as we drone hand in hand to the everlasting walk of sand to busy to comprehend but baby, i understand baby don't fear this land baby we'll go hand in hand
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  • haven't been on in a year

    by janguary on October 04, 2009
    i've been trying and trying to axcess this site, it's been a year since i've been on. i've been looking over all of these entries and it's very interesting to see how i've progressed and changed. it's strange, actually, to be reading my thoughts from last year. when your an adoscelent you change SO astronomically from year to year. i think that that rapid formation of your brain is the cause of mine and others "insne" feelings. though i'm sure not everyone has those feelings. to finish whatever of a story that was, me and christian aren't together... we had a terrible drawn out ending to what i hadn't realized was a complete mistake of a relationship. i'm not over it, last year i tramatized myself, and i let down everyone around me. the reasons why i was going crazy were because i was so isolated, so isolated, i diminished whatever good contact i had with anyone except christian. and it led to my breaking point. i don't know how i'll except this failure
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  • i havent

    by janguary on December 05, 2008

    been on in a long time

    i think im getting better but maybe this is just my good phase. idk. it sucks because nobody understands... not even connie... i dunno. right now i am okay and i can think and i think i can manage. but later.... i really just dont know. it gets worse and worse and fucking worse. what is wrong with me???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

    and i even see weird stuff sometimes scary things like bloddy scenes i dunno, just for a second...and i wake up sometimes and i hear people saying my name.

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  • i wasn't ready

    by janguary on November 29, 2008

    i am not done with my life
    i can see the end it smiles back to me
    i havent finished what i've come for
    let me live without your dire shadow stalking my footsteps
    i havent, no, i havent finished yet

    cause your words are coming on like a train coming on fast so im gonna scream, scream my last words into the air so im im gonna scream so im ready ready ready so let me fall away le go im ready yeah im ready to scream and kiss the night away yeah im ready to scream so let me let me make my last speech but with rapid speed cause your coming fast your coming fast to hit me

    the headlights blind the world around
    i count the seconds left to stand
    i cant hear any sound but the rush rush rush
    of the black phantom
    that rushes steadily
    sliceing the air
    defying my worst dream
    yeah i count the seconds left that i have to breathe
    1 2 3
    and my world turns around

    i shatter i shatter i break i fall to the ground so fragile so dont break me cause im shattered she looks alone her face, yeah they would scream yeah i can see it in her eyes yeah she would scream but shes got nothing left no more trys

    so finally
    i stand here broken, accepting defeat
    i resound everything that has come onto me
    with 3 words
    i wasn't ready
    i wasn't ready
    i wasn't ready
    do you hear me?
    i wasn't, i wasn't, i wasn't ready

    i wasn't ready...

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  • kj;adfkj;nzdlf

    by janguary on November 29, 2008


    i have tried to re-evaluate my life and my choices i am making.

    so far i have reached.. well.. no conclusions.

    but i guess then i will just have to keep thinking :D

    i am just 16..i have my whole life ahead of me. and today, none of any of this will matter in the spectrum of my life. of the universe. i am just one small bug... i have to just take what i have and make the best of it. and make good decisions and not the easy ones. hmm. well i would definitly be happy to take the art career path, the only problem with that is the fact that i really would not like to live in the city. my dream place to live would be by a beach or up in the mountains or out in the country... but i suppose that i could take a couple years and have an apartment somewhere in new york and study art. the thing is that if i live in a not city place, my art will never have a chance to be recognized, or sucseed at all...which is something that is not particulary terrible to me... but i dont want to wake up 1000 years old and realise i have wasted my life fucking around doing nothing. and also, i am afraid that if i live somewhere...with less people around (senic?) i am almost sure that i would become completely anti-social and be alone and lonley my entire life. WHICH WOULD SUCK. alot...i am no paris hilton but neither am i a cat lady. haha

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  • im really tired

    by janguary on November 25, 2008

    and i want christian to call. he hasnt called all day. and i hate it when that happens.. 

    i feel so disgusting... i hate myself and my body and my face and my skin everything is wrong and im so gross and i just hate it because i feel so lazy and fat but i am always so tired and exhausted and i have really bad headaches and i cant ever eat right... i feel like such a fat ass and i hate it...ug i just am so big i hate it. and those are my stupid unnecessary complaints.   

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  • writing has become my stress reliever

    by janguary on November 24, 2008

    FUCK THIS FUCKING WEBSITE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

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