i look at this journal as a sort of a scrapbook. when i started writing in it i was a different person than i am today. this will be my last entry. the events i wrote about are from a different time of my life. and im done with that. i've changed and i'm changing. i don't want to go back there. there were good times and there were horride times. i don't regret it. the times of this journal were some of the experiances you dont forget. ive cried more tears over him than it was worth. but hes gone. and im finnaly happy over that. maybe i'll start another journal in the fall. to mark the times like i did with this journal. maybe i won't need to record my thoughts like i used to anymore. it doesn't matter. anyway, this is goodbye for good. peace.

so i havent been writing in my journal as much as i used to. i dont really have much to write about anymore. alot of the things that used to bother me ive just taken up an indifferent outlook on. whatever. ive been listening to bayside alot more lately. they're awesome. like seriously, if you havent heard much of their music go listen to them now. i havnet been dissappointed with one song i've heard by them. i went swimming with will at this like tennis club thing. i felt odd being there in general. taylor....hmm. dont get me started. i confronted him finnaly today. it was a huge step for me. i just bluntly asked if there was a future between us. and he said that he wasnt too sure about dating cus he had been cheated on so many times. and then he went on this kindof rant about how he had to worry about how he was a bad person and all this shit. i just told him all i could to convince him that he's amazing. and then he was just like "is there any way we could meet up at like the movies or something"? not sure whats going on there. but ill post if i find out. hmm have i even posted about me and taylor making out at the movies? yeah that happened. i cant remember. oh well. im going to washington dc on friday. thats fun. world finals. i get to stay at a dorm...or at least i think thats the plan. world finals are really one of the funnest things to go to. pin trading is amazing. can't wait. i would be more excited but i really hate leaving my friends. not to mention the constant time i'll have to spend with my father might just be unbearable. god. not real sure about things.

"You leave me speechless when you talk to me, you leave me breathless when you look at me. With you, it feels like I am finally home. You stole my heart before I could say no. You are the reason I smile everyday." haha that is really cute im sorry i kinda had to say that...lol people have been really strange. i dont know whats wrong with everyone. eh im done with all this. i mean ive been lying to myself the majority of the times ive ever said that, and its not that i think this time its any different. whatever. im just gonna be more straighforward with people and if they cant handle that then they are gonna have to deal with it. i would say im done with taylor but thats not true. hes all i can think about. i pretty much am obsessive about checking my phone by now because if i were to miss a text message he sent me i would be a mess. me being a mess? HE'S a mess. about everything, he will not stop talking about how one day im going to leave him and he's going to fade away and he wont be able to do anything about it. ive tried to explain that things will probably be quite the opposite of that; he'll get tired of dealing with my overobsessive shit and leave me behind. fucking stupid shit. stop acting like you know what the hell is gonna happen to you and how its gonna suck. stop worrying and live your life. try not to screw things up for the rest of us who actually care about you. maybe you should take a look around and see that people do. maybe your life wouldnt suck so much if you could see that. and dont talk about how you dont have anyone. IM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE. realize it. by now you should have. so if you have, stop leading me on. either move on or commit. GOD fucking cunts. that went from a sensible entry to an angry one really quickly.

well i suppose ill post another entry considering that last one was a bit of a rant. thats pretty much the purpose of this journal anyway, to rant about things i cant rant about to my friends. schools ending for the year in two weeks. in a way i want it to be over. schools hard, theres a lot of drama, teachers are retards, you cant sleep in, or smoke, or use your phone, at least not without being sneaky. but then again at school you get to see your friends and you get to find out what people are up to, and stuff like whos going out, whos cheating on eachother, shit like that. and summer just sucks in general. at least the past summers. but maybe this one will be different just like this year has been. i hope so. i hope ill get to hangout all the time and go on vacations and that i wont have to deal with my family or babysit my mom while shes drunk or any of that shit i dread. i got tori to do most of my social studies book report project for me which is a great lift off my shoulders because i have a huge semester science project due thursday thats worth like half my grade. and im not close to being done. im gonna have to work everyday in homebase to get it done and thats a huge sacrific. im gonna have to fuck off taylor and christian for this project. god. and next week on the last two days of school we have finals, which means we have final reveiws like everyday next week that arent really that bad but whatever. then i think we have a band concert coming up but hell, i dont even know. all of this school crap paired with this whole taylor situation is a lot to worry about. brandon is being a dick. he likes me. its a hassle. i honestly wish he didnt. hes giving me shit about smoking, but i hardly ever even smoke. and now i think im sick. my throat hurts and im coughing.

fuck mannn last night i went to the movies with taylor. it was nice to say the least. mmm. yeah we...made out? it wasnt really making out cus like it was just like open mouthed kissing but whatever. it was fucking epic. so we met at the theater and like it was great, no awkwardness or anything. then we went into the movie theater thing and this old couple were like "ohh i thought we were gonna be the only ones here" and i was like "oh, yeah" cus idk i was trying to be polite for some reason. idk thats not important. i had told my mom i was going with tori and taylor cus well she doesnt like taylor blah blah blah. we saw 21. it was ok. i didnt really get it cus i dont know how to play blackjack but whatever. i was wearing kindof short shorts. they were from pac sun, go figure. so yeah we were in the theater and we were talking throughout the whole movie. and like he was saying something and i was like "well thats mean" [in a joking way] and he was like "aww im sorry do you want me to kiss it and make it better?" and i was like yeahh. so he did. the first two times that happened though, it was on the cheak. then later i was like talking about chapstick and i asked him if i could have some of his and he was like nope and i was like rawr and he was like do you want me to kiss it and make it better? [again] and i was like sure. so he kissed me on the lips! it was yeah closed mouthed. well it was the first kiss hes even given me i was excited. hmm then later we were like hugging and shit and we had our arms around eachother and we were talking about how we loved eachother more than the other and he kissed me and this time it was open mouthed. eventually we lifted up the arm rest thing cus it was uncomfortable and he was holding me in his arms and it was beautiful and he had his hands on my thighs. and my stomach but he didnt feel me up or anything. and later we were making out and he kissed my neck and my face. god it was perfect. i didnt want it to end. then i looked at my phone and tori had texted me and she was like "your mom called my mom! she knows your with taylor". i was like fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. and i got really scared. but taylor was all like its ok ill cover for you. and all this stuff and he was kissing me and we were just all over eachother and i layed down, leaning my head against taylor. and he kissed me first on the neck, then the lips, then the forehead. and i just layed there with my eyes closed. then he got worried about me falling asleep so we sat up. like 5 minutes passed and who else but my fucking mother walks in. god. taylor was like dude, your moms here. so i straightened up and got up and he asked it he should walk me out and i was like no..and left. fuck. it was beautiful before that though. my mom was so fucking pissed. she was like crying and shit on the way home cus i lied to her. and went with taylor who she doesnt trust. at all. and shes all like "rawr dont have sex". wtf? god. so idk really if im gonna be able to like go anywhere again or what. and i dont know if taylors going to ask me out. but i hope he does and i hope thats not it for us. i really hope we have a future and all that shit. and i smoke now. cigarettes. i havent written in a while.

k so i read over my some of my recent entries sorry about all those.... anyways i need to summarize some stuff and so yeah...dont bother reading this monday: kids went...IDK. ??? home, and later dinner banquet. tuesday: bb game wendesday: rw. willls. cicis. park. utica square. home thursday: okc. brandons. swimming ect. friday: talent show, s/f game, los cabos, laser quest, movie

ive decided i hate everyone why wont my life end?

todays the social. gag me. i dont even want to go. uhhh but im going anyway just because i dont have anything better to do and all my friends are forcing me to. my mom is making me sick because she is making a huge deal over that fact that this is my first school dance or whatever the hell shes talking about....i dont even know. and my dress makes me look like im 6 and i think it might be a little to formal for the occasion. same about the shoes. and im really short so the dress goes down a bit past my knees which is just bad. so yeah ill write laterrr im gonna walk to walgreens

ehh i want to rant but i dont want to rant at the same time whatever. it kinda sucks cus everyday my situation seems to get worse. i want to be done with all of it. i dont want to care. but i cant stop. and logically, i cant stop now. ive said all this before. whats the significance today?

stupid immature cunt i feels so weird and moody lately. its like im all pissed off, then sad, then happy. and its just constantly changing. its...strange. taylor was being immature today. and we had intermurals. and...oh taylor wanted to invite me on his little pot smoking binge but didnt have my number. gee thanks. taylor is convinced that kelsos going to break up with him. about time in my opinion. whatever. ive fought and fought for this and i need things to work out, you know? im done with things just fading out. gah do i even know what i want? no.