happy 420 guys even though im not having any fun. oh well. soo this weekend was nice. friday i stayed home with my mother. it was okay. yesterday i went to an om meeting in the am it was sooo fucking boring. but i got to talk to laura about things which was nice. she broke up with rob on...thursday i think. from talking to her, it was because he was smoking pot too much. and i talked to will and he was at the riverwalk on friday night and robb and all his friends were smoking pot. hmm. yeah. anyway later on saturday i went to the mall with tori and bought a dress for the social. its the same one as jackies except hers is blue and black while mine is pink and black. yeahh. oh well. it was good just hanging out with tori. then later tori went home and i met up with will and we shopped at the mall for awhile. i bought a shirt at pacsun but im gonna take it back cus idk it doesnt fit right and its too expensive for it not to fight right. lol. then i went out to eat at the cheesecake factory with will and his mom. there were alott of people coming back from prom or whatever there. that was cool...? i guess. idk. then i got home and my mom was like spazzing out and realized she hadnt had her meds in 5 days. she took my phone away. blah blah blah whatever. and today haze is buying $200 worth of pot and him, taylor, robb, and everyone else over there is gonna be high all week. oh and kelso thinks me and her and taylor are all going to the social together. hahahaha. wtf? why the hell would i go to the social with her and her boyfriend. awkward much? what am i supposed to do? like sit there and watch them makeout? ummm no thanks im good. and jackie is going to the social with robb instead of her bf jon. wtf is wrong with these kids? i guess me and will and tori are going to the social together. yupp. fun. god. but kelso is seriously thinking of breaking up with taylor. so thats good i suppose. school is technically almost over and i cant believe it. reflecting back, ive changed so much. not nessescarily for the better but im just happier. from the football games and hanging out with tom and kevin and christian. to meeting taylor. octoberfest with tori and kevin. and going out with kevin and being somewhat miserable. new years at wills. watching wills mom walk in on taylor and kelso making out. tori and toms ins and outs. sneaking out of the riverwalk with will. and hanging out with jackie and will. hanging out at --- and the park on my birthday. hanging out with taylor before i left for china. him kissing and hugging me. being confused. im really going to miss these memories.

forgot to mention some things... 420 is sunday. everyone is gonna be high on monday. cept for me. cus i have no connections except for taylor but i couldnt ask for anything like that from him.... so yeah. oh and TAYLOR LOST HIS FUCKING PHONE. joy. just as i get texting back he leaves his phone on the goddamn bus. which, even if he finds it the kids who get on the bus will have already torn it to shreds or stolen it. so i dont have anyone to text. and i probably wont be talking to him much cus we never really get a chance to really talk at school. grrrrr i need him to have a phone!

hmmm things are going okay on monday it was so great =] me and tori were milling around the building after school waiting till our parents got there to pick us up and then taylor just randomly called me saying that he missed his bus and he wanted to see if he could hang out at my house till his mom picked him up. mmm i was ecstatic. so i convinced my mom to let him come over which was kinda hard cus she thinks hes like a man whore junkie. it kinda sucks. so yeah. taylor came over. first we were kinda bored. we went into my room and got on my computer and he helped me install some kind of virus protection thing...helpful. then my mom came in and was like make sure you leave your door open when there are boys over. wtf. so yeah then we went into my game room and played champions of norath on my ps2 again. haha thats always fun. we both suck. then i was like laying down...and he joined me. and it was very...pleasant. cus we just were able to talk and cuddle and chill together. alsdkf and i just layed there in his arms. and it was really great. i love it when things like that happen but they dont happen often so yeah kinda sucks. i was really sad when he had to go home. and then i starting doubting everything. like is this what how he acts around everyone? should i even bother? ehh idk. i wish i could just talk to him about it but i dont want to ruin things. gahh. and im sorry. this is all i rant about every time i write....but nothing really interesting ever happens. i got my texting back on my phone. that was good. i skipped first hour and some of 4th hour today. i got a 91% on my science test. hopefully that will bring up my grade a bit. umm yeah. the social is coming up. ugh. taylor is going with kelso. i dont even want to go but i have nothing better to do so...i might just to torture myself. yeah ill write later.

so i need to start writing in the journal more cus when i do, it seems to help. its good to vent. yeahh. soo ill start off with friday. hannah, autumn, whitney, tori, taylor, and i were supposed to go to the movies but hannah, whitney and autumn went to the wrong theater. lol. so it was just me, tori, and taylor. it was so fun. we got our tickets then went up to the concession stand cus taylor wanted food or whatever and this old guy started talking to me. yeah he was with his wife, so that lessened the creepy vibe. anyway, the convo went like this: (him=h me=me) h: are you on a date with him? [him, meaning taylor] m: umm no h: so your just friends? m: yeah h: nothing romantic? m: nope we are all 3 just friends. h: ohh. [at this point taylor who didnt know what was going on started randomly dancing] h: is he a good dancer? m: umm i guess [at this point me and tori were cracking up with laughter] so then we like scooted out of the way and the guy comes up to taylor and is like "i think the short one [me] likes you. and taylor just started laughing. hahaha. wtf? it was so weird. anyways, we saw the superhero movie. it was funny but weird. taylor picked the movie, i should have guessed. so that was fun but me and taylor can never do anything when tori is there...hmmm. so then tori left cus her parents are spazs and the movie was over and me and taylor snuck into horton hears a who...it was the only thing playing lol. it was fun. he did that whole thing where he whispers into my ear and puts his face up to my face and looks into my eyes. aoe;rhtgf but yeah then we had to leave it sucked. we hugged and he kissed me on the forehead....bleh. oh well. then on saturday i got all pissed off at my dad cus hes like "your tired because you dont eat anything. you should eat some protein". he should go fuck off and die in a whole. but then i went over to hannahs house. it was so fun. hannah was texting taylor pretending that i was gone and had left my phone with her. then tori came over and we went to the mall. we got hannah a dress for the social. i really want some shorts from pacsun they are so cute. rawr. umm yeah. tori had this idea that we would text tom and tell him all this outrageous stuff. we ended up telling him that tori had tried heroin, cocaine, oxy, and made out with a 20 year old under the influence. haha. then he got all weird and suicidal and scared the shit out of us. but i made things better. hes not suicidal anymore. but after we both left hannah called taylor and told him that i like him. omg. he didnt believe her! wtf. and he also said that he didnt know if he would believe me if i told him! wtf. so i guess ill try to tell him? idk. he asked me to the social today. wow. i dont know if he like formaly asked me.... does it count? not sure the convo went like this m: i dont know if i should go to the social or not t: go with me! :D im being forced to go against my will lol m: ok! lol t: yay! does it count? idk. rawr. cristine is all pissed off with me. whatever. ill write later.

soo tonight should be fun going to the movies with taylor, tori, hannah, whitney, and autumn. originally, it was just me and taylor but somehow everyone got invited. taylors gonna be pissed cus he wanted to hang out with me. whatever. he'll deal. and everyone is gonna ditch us cus i told them to lol. hannah, whitney, and autumn dont understand about me and taylors relationship, they are like spazzing out. mostly hannah. oh well. they'll figure it out. ive come a long way since graham i guess... but yeah. my parents have been spazzing out more than usual lately about my grades, taylor, my phone, my computer. i wish they would just leave me the fuck alone. seriously i want nothing more than that. well ill write again when i can.

im really getting unhappy about my weight and i cant change my insecurity so ill just have to lose this extra weight i need to stop eating ugh i hate feeling full but it wont go away

soooo bobby flay is a douchebag. and yesterday we had om finals. we got 2nd place in both problems....we were one point off from tying with first. that pisses me off. last night i spent the night at hannah's with whitney. it was great, just what i needed. we talked about laura alot which makes us sound bitchy but we really arent that bad...lol. so i found out on friday that laura is bi. and so is sarah. and laura and sarah i guess like eachother. it was so weird. they acted like a weird couple the whole time. my neice and 2 nefews were over today. we went to my nefew jays baseball game. it was not really that fun. jay is only 6 so it was basically like a bunch of ;ittle kids running around all day. i pretty much think my nefew tyler, whos 9, is the coolest kid ever. he was wearing a pirate shirt and skater shoes and made my mom take him to walmart to get some pokemon cards. haha i love that. yeahh. bored as hell. i have to go to school tomorrow. i wanna hang out wth taylor so fucking bad ohmydamn. in 2 weeks is the 8th grade social. fucking disgusting. i dont want to go. jackie needs to break up with jon. jackie and eric could go out. jon and kelso could go out. taylor could do whatever the hell he wants. i love the way chris rock talks. its so funny.

i didnt go to school today, that was nice ehh im sad. things were going so well. but then i had to leave for 2 weeks and now im right back where i was a month or so ago. and im not so sure if i can make things better. not to mention i only have about a month and a half left of school. during summer.... things might change. then next year we'll all be in high school and theres a good chance that i wont be in any of my friends classes. taylor probably has moved on already. and if he hasnt he probably willl. and ill move on too. but i dont want to. i dont want to forget about him and find someone else. so before i left, taylor came over and we went to the park. it was great. he kissed me and we hugged. i needed that. but now i need to know, is it as real to him as it is to me? and ive been texting him. its not the same. oh and while i was gone, my wonderful mother decided to go through my whole entire room. she found my lighters, razorblades, everything. but she only gave me shit about some things i had written in a note to my friend. yeah, it was stuff about taylor, about how hes not a virgin, he used to smoke pot, and how hes bi. so i dont know if ill ever be able to hang out with him without my mom breathing down my neck. there probably wont be any more outings to the park. god. i shouldnt have ever left. hopefully things will change.

i havent written in awhile i cant remember if i wrote about my day in the park with taylor....oh well. i think im gonna go back to cutting. it seemed to help. yeah. the only downside is that it will be summer soon and therefor i might be forced to wear a swimsuit and someone might see the scars. oh well. i dont care anymore. i need to lose weight. 90 lbs. as of today. no more eating. i want to weigh 80 lbs or less.

sooo i was texting taylor and we had been doing that annoying thing where we argue over who loves eachother most.... and then he was talking about how i shouldnt go to china and how he needs me.. T= taylor M= me T: but i need you here M: why do you need me...i dont get it for some reason T: cus i love you M: i love you too. but i need you more than you need me. T: noo M:yeahhuh T: how so? M: well youre really funny and nice. and youre more special to me that you realize. T: aww thanks sweetie. hmmm ohhkay he might come over after school tomorrow funnn yay im excited im gonna miss him so fucking much though :l