lol my last entry was retarded....i was bored oh well sooo im kinda getting confused again about taylor :l like...idk its so confusing hes a really....sexual...person and he kinda talks to everyone in a flirty way [hes bi] soooo idk. if it was anyone else, i would think they liked me fersure. hmmm he hugs me, kisses me on the cheek/forehead, tells me he loves me, and always wants to spend weekends with me. hmmm. last like november he said that he thought he liked me and his cousin said that he thought that he liked me... but things have changed alot since then. we know eachother so much better now. :l i wish i knew i could ask him. but theres always a chance of ruining everything and making things awkward. and i DO NOT want to do that. a;osdhf IDK

LIKES -s'mores flavored pop tarts -cameras -roses -coffee -sparkles -animals -the woods -walking -pokemon ruby version -plastic jewelry -movie theaters -cute fluffy kittens -texting -cupcakes -colored duct tape -the fall -music -black and white -purple ink -graffiti -books -hotels -rain -airplanes -chapstick -astronomy -neon -stuffed animals -art -friends -not getting caught DISLIKES -falling out of love -fights -being awkward -large dogs -annoying small children -traffic -things that don't match -critical people -boys that are pansies -adults -saying the wrong thing -athletics -saying "ily" instead of "i love you"

ohhmmmgee my dads a fucking spaz god i hate him anyways my mom thinks im a whore now. lmao. yesterday will and taylor came over to chill and we started watching across the universe in my living room and like me and taylor were sharing a blanket. my mom kept like walking casually by and stuff. and then she called me in her room and was all like rawrr you guys shouldnt be sharing a blanket its inappropriate, you need to stop sharing a blanket or they are going home. wtf. and then like taylor and will kept talking to my mom. like i dont want anyone to talk to her. they will tell her too much and ill get questioned about it. whatever. it was fun i guess. not my best night though... friday i leave for china. im so unprepared. whatever. ill figure it out. went shopping with will today. i got a good deal on a couple shirts from wet seal. and i got a hoodie from zumiez. those damn hoodies are too expensive. i dont see how people can have like 5 $60 hoodies. uhmmm thats pretty much it... ellen is gonna break up with kevin for tom. she has a bad sense of character in guys. kevin is wayyy better than tom. whatever, she doesnt know what shes getting herself into. i kinda feel sorry for her. yeah. ill write later.

hi so today was okay. but all the sudden all these rumors are starting :l not cool. so today tori came up to me after homebase and she said that jordan likes me. haha. jordan is a friend of zach's. i guess zach doesnt like me anymore. whatever. i just hope jordan doesnt ask me out... but yeah after lunch tori came up to me again and was saying that fred [the asian kid. im not racist, im just trying to give any possible readers some insight lol] told whitney [melissa's like slave] that me and taylor did stuff...i dont excatly know what he told her. maybe that we just kissed? maybe that we made out? maybe that we had sex since he almost spent that night? haha no way would that ever happen but whatever. so whitney told melissa that something happened. lemme tell you about melissa. she acts like shes the shit but shes just a bitch. and she has this 16 year old boyfriend that she brags about yet everyone knows hes cheating on her, even though he goes to a different school. but yeah all this drama happened last year with her, will, jackie, and other people. shes really power hungry. and kinda backstabbing. but honestly, i dont doubt that shes been backstabbed herself her whole life. whatever. basically, i dont want to have to deal with melissa. so yeah fred told whitney who told melissa that something happened between me and taylor. so melissa and whitney talked to will about it and like he was just like ohh he just kissed her on the cheek, no big deal. and so yeah. jackie was i guess sorta mad at will cus he didnt tell her that taylor kissed me. but its cool. the good thing about rumors getting started about you is that its not your fault and you can get pity out of people that know you're innocent. its a sad fact but its true. soo yeah. i dont have school on friday, score. but i have to do a bunch of work for OM cus we have regionals on saturday. and the next friday i leave for china. ill be gone for 2 weeks. mmm yeah so ill write later.

anyone who might actually read my journal should tell me what they think of me in their own journal just sayin... do it! lmao

what the fuck was my last entry about? hahahaha thats too funny! tom as more than a friend? no way. disregard that last entry...i would delete it but i find it halarious. but yeah. today is my birthday. yipee. the birthday party was on saturday. i must say, it was pretty much the best day of my life. well early saturday morning i had to go over to school and play in the percussion ensemble really quick. we got the superior rating. whatever that was annoying... then later jackie, will, tori, taylor, and i met up at the upscale outdoor shopping center [that wont be named here]. it was kinda getting annoying cus like will and tori were being clicky and jackie and taylor were being clicky so i kinda had to mingle between the two groups. we ate a p.f. changs. i met taylor's mom. she totally hates me cus i guess she thinks taylor and kelso broke up and he had a hicky and he was sorta forced to tell her i gave it to him...? even though it was kelso...but whatever. taylor told me that he had wanted to get me a real live baby chick for my birthday but the people at the pet store said that you had to have an icubator so he couldnt get one. but he got me a stuffed chicken. awww. lol but what was i supposed to do with a baby chicken? haha whatever. so yeah. then we went to the yarn store. haha taylor is so like obnoxious its halarious. then we found a little old looking british telephone booth...that we named little britain...idk. then we went to saks fifth avenue. taylor almost got us kicked out cus he was trying on girls clothes in the dressing room. lol. sooo then jackie went home and the rest of us [tori, will, me and taylor] went back to my moms house. we have these weird hippie-ish chairs in our back yard and like taylor and i were sharing one while will and tori were sharing the other. it was awesome. the weather was perfect so we decided to go to the park. i swear i felt like i was on something...i was just like out of it. but it was great. so taylor was being reeally flirty and like putting his hands around my waist and stuff. alsdfaosdfh. and like idk just the way he stands so close to me is just so perfect. and we even found a beer keg...we didnt drink any, instead will decided to get some on tori haha. then we got back to my house and tori left. me, will, and taylor sat in my backyard some more again. but we were ignoring will big time cus he was on the phone with tori. taylor kept saying i was on crack cus i said "woah like it wasnt dark but like now it is". lol. thennn just me and taylor went upstairs to my room and couldnt figure out how to work my computer :l idk. and so we just sat there making interesting conversation. but it was so natural and perfect. then someone found silly string, will joined us, and we found ourselves in my game room. will was still on the phone....idk taylor found this weird spanking paddle in my game room. like why the hell do i have a spanking paddle? oh well. haha it was funny though. then taylor found this soft yet small pillow and wanted me to lay down on it with him so i gladly did. it was like 15 minutes of staring into eachothers eyes. that sounds corny. ehh. well whatever. then we ended up playing a video game called champions of norath. great game, only we totally sucked at it. then he kept hugging me. it was cute. so then we remembered taylor left his phone downstairs and his mom had called him like a bajillion times. idk i ended up asking my mom if he could spend the night...and she actually said yes. but his mom said no :[ too bad. so then will left. and me and taylor continued to play that video game. and then he had to go home :[ but he hugged me a lot. and he kissed me on the cheek and forehead :] everyone says he totally likes me fersure. christine is being a bitch about it and is like you need to tell kelso. whatever. idk what to do. im just gonna go along with things...they will straighten themselves out eventually.

uh oh im actually finding myself thinking about tom as more than a friend. this hasnt happened since like october. he asked me if i wanted to go to the riverwalk with him tomorrow night and idk if i should or not. and i cant talk to will, tori, christine, or anybody about this. no one can know that i might like tom. tom is a man whore, and i dont excatley like him but i need a fix for this lonliness. and i guess that might make me sound slightly whore-ish but....trust me if you knew how much of a cheater tom was it wouldnt feel weird for me to completely use him. and im not gonna break his heart or lead him on...what im trying to say is that if tried to kiss me id let him. to go or not to go? guess ill figure it out...

i hate being nostalgic. i couldnt fall asleep so i turned on my ipod and put it on shuffle. dont cry out by the shiny toy guns comes on. i cant even listen to this song cus every time the memories flush back in and make me sad. ahhh the fall. the street party, before tom was a manwhore and tori hadnt yet fallen in love. and i barely knew christian, kevin, will, jackie, taylor. i didnt know any of them. and toris parents didnt completely hate her. those were the best nights of my life. i remember arriving with tori and meeting up with tom and chris, his six year old brother who kept hugging me. so cute. tom kissed tori. then made out with here...and i sorta ditched them. and will came over and talked to me. and we hungout out. then we went over to the football stadium. charles was there. will left. a lot is a blur. meeting christian. everyone thought we should have gone out but i knew me and kevin had a connection. god now im tired ill finish this later.

mmmm guess who kissed me today? zach..... i was coming out of the science lab and we had been building earthquake-proof houses out of pasta and flour paste [lol that makes me sound like a first grader] and so i had icky paste crap all over my hands. and for some reason, zach was outside the lab and he was like "hey rachael. aww give me a hug." so im like yeah okay. but i couldnt really hug him cus i had glue crap all over me. so when he hugged me i think he said "give me a kiss" or something...but idk and i was like ok noooo. but he kissed me on the cheek. god. like no one likes zach. its kinda sad. poor thing. hes liked me since 1st grade. and we went out in 4th grade [i know lol] and i had to break up with him cus he was like pathetic and obsessive. and its 4th grade, relationships were never real and never lasted more than a week, even that was a stretch. and over the summer he randomly asked me out and i was like no....but he like wouldnt let it go and he convinced me to go out with him. so i did. and then ended it a week later. i mean, ill be friends with him but like i wish he wouldnt push it. hes a sweet guy but hes like not my type...i guess? at all. and i dont wanna hurt his feelings so i dont wanna be mean to him. but then again, i dont want to lead him on and break his heart. so im just kinda caught in the middle. whatever oh well. Christine needs to stop being so bitchy. i just wanna be like geez back the fuck off but im not that mean to my friends. like whenever she sees me hug zach, BAM shes on my case, and shes reeeally bitchy about it. she gets irritated with me too easily. oh well. ill write later.

mmmm hello FIVE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE [im stealing this idea from someone else's journal. just fyi] 1. I really love you. Like not in the sense that you think you love me. I really like you and want to just hold on to you forever. You make me laugh; you're probably the funniest person i've ever met. You are so open to everything. I just want to spend every waking moment with you. I could go on and on... 2. You don't understand me. Honestly, stop taking me for granted. It's always about you. Like, shut the fuck up, no one cares about how you failed science. You act like it's some great accomplishment. Oh wow, you had a conversation with Jackie. It's not like shes going to sit there and ignore you. I didn't parade around when i hung out with her those many times with will. Can't you understand that the things i tell you are a big deal to me? Can't you try to understand? You don't know what it's like to be the way i am. It's really hard. 3. Okay. Stop making me do things i regret. I love you to death, but sometimes like i get this icky feeling when I'm with you. It's like nostalgia mixed with happyness mixed with regret. I don't know what it's about. Don't get me wrong, i wouldnt give you up for the world. you and me - Fresh till Death. 4. Man, i love you. You've always been there. I feel bad, you are like my crutch. When i fall down, you pick me back up, talk to me, and let me clear my head. And that's usually what i need most. You have Ellen now and im so incredibly happy for you. At first i still had feelings for you and was jealous but now im just happy. You deserve the world. Maybe one day we can pick back up where we left off. I wouldn't mind that. 5. You have been through more than sooo many of the people i know. You have a great personality. Sometimes you are a little immature and i have to stop you from making some of the mistakes ive made in the past. But that's what friends are for. We've escaped all kinds of trouble together. I know i get on your nerves sometimes. I apologize for being so self centered. Things aren't as good for you as they should be. You deserve so much better. I'll always be there for you. ill continue this later...and eventually have 10