boredom that's what i can blame it on boredom you can live your life streaming you know just constantly viewing, waiting watching you don't have to be a real person the choice to acknowledge the consciousness, the who am i, what makes me me, is completely up to you i just got sick of my life i guess sick of being told to drive carefully sick of staying up to cram velocity and centripetal acceleration formulas into my brain there was a breaking point somewhere in there, i think some place where i decided i didn't want to own my life recently i've become an organized person my bed is made, the keys are always on the rack there's less panic that way it leaves more time to listen to useless suggestions, swollow down advice by the bottle full everyone thinks they know some special secret and their just dying to blab it all over the world whenever i get too bored inside my head, like at work, the first question i ask myself is who i want to be sometimes i think no one, as if i could do this forever as if with practice, i can completely seperate from my heart and desires, essentially be only a science experiement of a body-exactly as the rest of the world can see me i'm so fucking bored i don't even know what that word means i don't know if it's my fault for not being interesting, or someonne else';s for placing me here when i try to have conversations, i never know what to say i have such a problem making myself care i must have really snapped the tether huh? no, no, dear it's all an act i've merely discovered madness is a way to pass th time and somehow i'm always stuck with so much on my hands

blank pages, empty spaces who am i, where am i, what have i become when i lose my words, i'll reach for images there is nothing meaningful to say, so i'll hide that in a rain fall the way the wetness folds into your skin the sound of laughter springing up from broken hearts these are the memories we all hold onto this is the universal that makes us pretend we're important i get so blown away sometimes by my own insignificance my life is so fucking boring wake up, go to school, drive home safe now press repeat, rewind the tape i tried so hard searching for ways to be different but in a town filled with ice and eyes that just can't stay awake, somethings aren't worth fighting for i found out the hardway you can't look up the answers there's no back of the math book, no asking a friend we just live and live until we're hardly aware of it motions and motions of the here's who we are i once read that no matter how much shit you've taken, the little things still get you even with a heart break , you still cry over a parking ticket even though you know it won't matter, your lost phone or your ugly zit are still far worse than anyone else's holocaust our personal universes are so compact, because they need to be everyone knows a good story has a dilema so even if our only problem is spilling coffee in the car, it still becomes our climax and the only thing worse than this self pity, this pathos is seeing the light of how pathetic you are and realizing you just can't stop i am obsessed with external appearences i judge everyone inside my head the little commentary, the she's so fat, the wow he's ugly, it absolutely disgusts me how did i get to a place where this is what i'm made of? shallow words we've always heard flooding throguh my brain I look back to freahman year, and all i do is cringe the transparency is incredible a cut out magazine copy of the average 14 year old girl but the really scary part is, back then i didn't realize it if i dig deep, i remember thinking "wow i am so fucking specail" i honestly believed i was a shining star so where does that put me now? have i really changed, or did i just want to? are purple hair and pastel tights enough? Can i use the cult movies, the bizarre books to define me|? maybe not and i'm still stuck in place maybe i don't know everything maybe i'm still just a sick twisted 14 year old girl who has grown up to realize she'll never amount to anything extraordinary

there are so many ways to amke your life meaningless telelvision, movies, homework assignments you can get swallowed up in all that viewing if you sit back and let it happen, any thinking disagreeing part of you will just disappear there's something about crossed legs and folded hands that makes me feel safe only getting up exactly on the hour only looking at my watch at the change of a scene routine life in a routine world where nothing extraordinary will ever happen to me I've been watching drug movies. requiem for a dream, spun, and trainspotting zoom in on the dialated pupils fast forward on the amphetamine blurs i live those images, over and over simple pictures and wonderment of a feeling i can't imagine i have never had a rush, never had an oh my god maybe that's how people get addicted the get stuck on a feeling they can't live with out i have no idea what to do with the rest of my time i want to adventure but this town is so freezing i can't get far with all the rules and requirements i'm not allowed to be too different that's okay because my someday is coming and i'm ready to waste some time

Love Just that one word, thought, emotion racing through my veins with all the force of a broken femur When i asked for this, when i begged prayed and pleaded I never envisioned the damage not in the afterglow, but the current side efffects caution: may cause uncontrollable sobbing I cried today I cried so fucking much i torned into a giant tear drop just wet salty mascara black mess tugging a hot pink suitcase all across the airport Being apart makes me physically ill if i let it I can feel love in waves of nausea, in tired eyes drooping when it's still bright afternoon I am in so deep but it's a beautiful stuckness Drowning in a safe place Sobbing in the sunshine I love you so much i am willing to break my own safeties there are no barriers between us, just skin and warmth an whispers When i say you are my everything, i mean your love is all i'm breathing i need our dreams to think on I need your voice a million miles away I am pathetic and i know it, but i let it get this far holding back, pushing down has become no longer an option

It's so easy to blame the town you live in for all of your lost hopes and dreams and shortcomings everyone complains about being here, about how excited they are too jet off into the big wide world where there's more to worry about than cops at parties and running into your ex best friend at the grocery store people as a whole just amaze me we make these connections-a best friend, a love, a secret accidently shared and with little to no effort such closeness can smudge away to faded nothing I never stalk people on fb, but her profile caught my eye Cori Cori Garber so i clicked and i saw a pretty girl in red dresses dancing drunk, the bell of the ball at the party only the best were invited to and for a second i was so proud of her, for how much she'd grown up and become a real person, even though i'd seen her from behind a cloud of dust i had never seen her like that, in a world i was not a part of, in an alternate universe where she smiled and wore dark eye makeup and kissed boys At school, she doesn't talk she was my best friend freshman year, the first one who knew everything about matt, and i loved her becuase she believed all my lies I haven't thought about her in so long, even though i see her everyday i taught her what a blow job was. she tried to teach me how to sneeze more quietly We are in the same english class. even if we were the only two people passing through the hallway, we wouldn't wave. probably not even at the grocery store I used to wait for her outside the bathroom in gym. We were champions at badmitten I find it amazing that she has grown up, moved on she was so innocent, so perfect, just like every other freshman i don't know what i thought happened to her I guess i subconsciously imagined that she had stayed stuck in her world of holding in sneezes but to see her like that, exploding in pictures, well i missed her we were close she was such a sweet girl and all of a sudden everything caved in i am so proud of myself for not just giving up and going to sleep terrified, because i know this was important I am not crying for Cori Garber I am crying for the death of who i used to be Instead of growing up, I have differentiated I have killed off every shred of that innocent little girl, including all the good ones there are so many casualties, so many names, so many people i forgot to thank I wish i could get it back I wish that i was brave enough tomorow after english to say, hey cori can i talk to you? and ask if she remembers mocha chip ice cream In my perfect world, when i did this she would laugh and say she did In the real one she would lie and tell all her beautiful new friends how fucking weird i am we worked ona science project together sophmore year, even after everybody else had disowned me we got along great, just like freshman year she asked me for help on an english paper once i think she even called I don't know why I'm doing this, reminicig I think it's because if i can remember it well enough to write down, there;s still hope for something not with cori really, but for everyone i've ever loved and have ceased to see in my life i want to learn how to stop the sliping can you convince people to hang on for your sake, even if they have found a brighter start to shoot for? I'm really not sure I wonder if anyone has ever looked around and seen me missing probably not but there's always that maybe

Absorbing everyone else is a way to pass the time when i am stuck inside with miles of snow and everything else, every path to friendship and wholeness feels so closed off it's so easy to sit for hours and hours under the iunfluence of powder white adderall as an empty shell just begging to be tainted with other people's words and wisdom i found a website today about finding life's purpose it was for people who want their lives to be amazing, and just for a few hours i pretended I fell precisely into that category i read about luicid dreaming and LSD and learning how to love i want to say i'll apply it all to my life change everything from the ideas in just a few articles but i can't the mainstream is all i know even the tiniest breaks are too much too handle i care about what strangers think of me i still cry when they tell me i'm not good enough i still vow to change just to make everyone happy I'm sick of aquiesing I'm sick of inexistence If I could be anything, I would be a sparkling droplet of light a dancing rainbow, bluegreenperiwinkle, a twist and twirl of colored in smiles People would just know as they walked by, they would look and say "wow that girl must be something special" I would radiate, emulate it, change the world for everyone who wanted closure bracelets on my wrists, up to the elbows, and they would always jingle like perfect chimes, my very own soundtrack The clothes i wore would be a mystery of layers and skin, not sexy but beautiful so nobod could even fantasize about breaking my heart And most of all, I would smile and light up the whole room, and everyone would come close so i could protect them, protect them all from the hurt and hate and boredom and everything else in the world that just plain gets to me they say that visualization is half the battle if you believe it, you will recieve it so maybe in a few years, i can live to be incredible and for now i'll work on embodying me

matt's here and i haven't been writing i appologize dear future me, when you go back and re-read this, see the gaps in entry times getting greater and greater, please don't hate me i kind of feel like i'm losing my mind we woke up together this morning, too late and frantic, a bundle of covers my sister and parents were pissed, but i made it fine i threw on my clothing, makeup done so quickly and he still told me i looked beautiful I love the car rides, the hands on my knee, but sometimes i get the feeling that my life is just based off all i've seen in the movies i feel so ordinary it disgusts me at school the other day, we were talking about a story that we read, about this kid who dies by running through a glass door that image of clear splinters twisting in with the red cuts has been stuck in my head ever since "he wanted his life to be amazing" that line caught me too, and it's still tumbling along in my brain he wanted his life to be amazing it sounds so promising, so wide and vast and beautiful but i don't know if i can really claim that for myself i am far too terrified to genuinely want my life to be anything apeciaL

I am flying high so i should probably start writing I hate much it's started to feel like an obligation lately a homework assignment i leave until two in the morning oh dear, i think i misplaced my motivation again i don't know if i even have enough left to start looking my back really kills and i don't know why i could be pregnant see, there's my deepest darkest secret documented now, my first almost terrible i feel stupid for letting it get that far but it was spur of the moment, bad teen movie, trojan extasy condom commercial excitement wihtout the actual product or for him it was atleast i just gave myself over for me it was blah, payback for him doing my homework but i'm trying to be a good girl so i'm not going to complain i think i might take some e with this random kid i met next weekend i will probably have to lie to matt, but that's ok it's only the getting caught part that i would feel bad about recently, i've started hating everyone okay fine, not recently but just more than usual no one appreciates my condescending comments i can feel myself being hated i go home and talk to matt and read now during lunch so i don't have to worry about staying silent i just wrote an essay about marxism and crime and punishment i didn't read the book i think it came out great i don't really know which class i would fall into under a marxist lens i mean i do have a shitty minimum wage job, but it's kind of fake i don't actually need it, unlike the college dropouts who take a bus to work from hartford oh god that sounded snobby i'm sorry i would take it back but no one ever taught me what to replace it with so basically, i am just a poser in the world of $8 an hour and smile/scan Or atleast a conditional poser Technically it's not me who has money, it's my parents and assuming i go to college get married and give them cute grandkids then i get money too more than $8 an hour kind of money But then again if i don't... well, i'm fucked or atleast fucked until i submit to my opressors of the burgoisie and work the same job i had as a teenager for the rest of my life i really don't know where i'm going with this i think i'll stop we all know i'm going to college

he left this morning and i still can't stop crying my eyes, they're so sick of all the moisture every blink threatens cascades and i keep shooting for the waterfalls I broke his heart last night, although it already seems further I made him break, made his left arm tingle just because i couldn't promise forver the words, though, i didn't realize they'd be so vile so toxic, so disgusting I'd contaminated him, made him sick from my hurt and i knew i had to take it back, so i changed my mind I went ahead and promised I feel safe now though, i really do I am 18 years old and i am making a statement give me regrets, and tattoos, and everything else i can not change i'm still waiting for something terrible to happen it's time to start being reckless with ink and words and hearts, i am becoming a real person in response to every college essay lie, in response to waking up as soneone else's reflection i have begun destroying i am in love, so much in love, but i don't know if i'm allowed to be that happy it feels too off center, a drug altered universe my fingers are crossed, becuase i did mean that promise i believe in forver not lonely but at the same time there is still the pull in the corner of my chest, warning this could all unwravel

for some reason, whenever anyone tells me i am something negative that i don't try, that i'm pessimistic, that i don't quite fit in I just feel the need to prove them right the name they give me becomes a sheild you want bitch, i'll give you bitch you want apathy, i'll put on the show in storytelling today,i got the note "you don't seem too invested in this class-i really hope that changes" and so of course, since i couldn't change, i just made the difference even more blaring i glared off into space while everyone else was laughing i played with my hair, kept my voice so silent, counted down the minutes I think i wanted to hurt her, show she couldn't be the one to "save" me, have that plaque on her imaginary wall I cou;dn't ler her think she understands, that all i neede was a little attention People never realize that i notice everytime i make a mistake there are so few accidents in terms of my growing up they think they are helping, but really it just makes me fight even harder to keep the control when you are 17, you are not even allowed to have principles no matter how much i believe in writing or music, is still have to do my homework even though i know school is not that important, that in ten years i won't even remember the grade i got in ap statistics, i still have to follow the system in a marxist lense, i am the status quo good grades means college means money means happiness just a bunch of simple blended equations and who knows, maybe it works i mean, i'm not even a quarter into the average lifespan maybe eventually, i will find the freedom i keep fighting for maybe on the other end, it all evens out so i'll keep my fingers crossed, keep reading the textbooks because the future is all i have to look forward to