just got back from family vacation in the bahamas not to sound ungreatful, but im glad to be home its not that it was awful, it just wasnt great too much time in one cramped hotel room too many $10 pina coladas and $400 dinners when i pay attention to it, i get a little ashamed of my own greed i could save a starving child with the cost of my apetizer and yet im too lazy to volunteer at a soup kitchen see,i only get to the feel guilty stage it never gets to the point where i actually get up and do something the past three nights i dreamed about chirs and its starting to freak me out i think its because im so obsessed with leaving, getting out and starting over that chill of the need for closure crawls over me and i start holding imaginary conversations in my head this time, i have nothing to ask i only want to explain, from the perspective one year later say: "I know i was immature and i was trying to make you fill a role you never wanted. But god damnit, i fucking cared. and i really hope you turn out okay" just simple declaration i try to make myself promise this will happen, but im so scared and lonely ill keep wishing on it though perhaps thats good enough

my skin, my skull, my breath, my bones everything just feels so dull and lifeless who am i who am i a person, or an image there, but not really a pair of eyes staring books, movies, media florals are so in this year lady gaga is just the greatest i am i am i am not even worthy of claiming a self not even worthy of claiming aspiration just inspiration, inhalation all different kinds of smoke all different kinds of crowds, apartments, places no one ever saw me be i go out, but its not enough i always have to come back home always have to face my own just absolute obsoleteness i am not doing great things, i am not doing terrible things i am just doing no things at all, which is why i am invisible i have left places i thought i was a part of only to realize i made no imprint at all easily forgetten, forgettable, regrettable i play wioth words like toys, cheap and plastic, if it almost rhymes, makes sense in time, i string my thoughts together i am so unmotivated i don't even care not about this journal that used to be my life not about my friends, my songs, my movies only about matt;matt matt matt because he asked to save me and i said yes savior the rest of my life into one word i will never have to try or live or love or feel because i am now just an attatchment of somebody else

sometimes i feel like i am just a pair of feet walking through a crowded hallway everybody else, they push and shove, caught in the crowd, loud loud loud but me, i just wait for my chance to walk on by a thousand days in a hundred classrooms writing, but not really writing just about books i didn't read, about science projects i never finished all those pages of effort, lost and thrown away at the end of the year disappearing into desks and walls and lines and halls that is the sum of my highschool experience the year is over, but we all keep pretending i wake up and get dressed, so colorful beautiful, only to sit around and stare into space to talk about other people to talk about leaving here i wish i could fast forward into an away, but im just so stuck in the lifeless gray ive been making myself go to the gym everyday an hour on an eliptical, 600 calories just gone its something i can use for an example of motivation "all you do is sit around and watch movies" false i go to the gym lately ive been feeling so tired that all i want to do is sleep my year away it seems so sad and wasteful though, so i wont let me now is my time to learn and grow, one last shot before reality hits and takes me down and flame this summer will be special i dont know why i just have a good feeling the weather is begining to shine and im ready to be there greeting life with a smile

I just put new dye in my hair pinkpurpleblue it is one in the morning and im not even tired thank you five hour energy shot i like being awake now, when the house feels so empty a false sense of home aloneness writing in this moment is comfortable i can gather up enough things to say, if I don't try so hard if i just let words flow and flow until i run out of motivation, maybe i can type out the things i need to say It was so nice today, a real start of spring as i was driving in my car, way too fast, it felt just like summer just like sitting out on the beach, carefree simple, complacent on the edge of happy i say it everday but i can't stop thinking about leaving so so close to finally getting to raise myself i don't think i like these everday sessions these words, well, they feel forced not like they used to, when i needed to be here now this journal, this website, feels so worn out i don't want to say i'm above this, but there's something that doesn't fit i feel like i lost my spark i don't know what i mean, im sorry ill try again when the timing feels more right

i am so fascinated with the notion of closure never once in my memory have i left behind a place or person with a feeling of tenderness and satisfaction when i leave, its usually because i feel i have to i am i shimmer and shine kind of girl one minute, i fill a room so bright its mostly blinding and in the next i am leaving through the window I think the reason i speak aloud to myself is to figure out what sounds real before i write things down, i want to make sure i mean them "I miss everything in my life I have ever lost" there, whispered outside the gym on a tuesday night that right there is truth i feel so afraid to talk about chris because once i start, i know it will be a waterall a deluge,a breakdown, a purging of worded feeling but i need to so i can justify everything so you can all see how greedy and helpless i am "look at her, she has the world...a beautiful boy who truly loves her and all she wants is fucking closure" bummer what a waste of human energy potential but thats what it is folks looks like we have another sad sweetheat on our hands that thing i said before, about wanting closure? well that's really a lie closure is just a pretty sane words for what i want what i want is absolution, a reward, an understanding i want chris to tell me he cared, past tense no no, too much too fast i need to mull this one over longer this secret is not stable enough to share

It's been too long again Too many hours talking to myself on lonely car rides, monologues of my life draped in the grandour of an imaginary audience I live with this artificial notion that i am beautifulspecialintelligentfabulous because im terrified of being ordinary i decided that spring will be my time to start living already with the sun coming out, i can taste my hope again i am happy, really and truly happy there is less locked inside me, more air in my shoulders I have room to breathe i am leaving next year, and that thought is so freeing i can make so many mistakes to not face down i can break free of the structure, the rules, the schedule and work on how to smile i went to the gym today, first time since the summer it was fine, because i said it would be easy fake hug, exchanges of words i have forgotten the hurt, my own stupidity mixed cds and summer, backhandsprings and bedrooms i am a grown up version of someone who cared, past tense and i just fucking smiled, left once again, without even saying goodbye

and everything in my heart, the ache of a pressure too great for the walls every blood vessel, every beat pounding was telling me to write so i kept it all inside it felt more normal as if the fact that i wasn't writing meant i was getting better as if i was sick before as if there were some miraculous transition stage i could take and shine on, claim to be a part of but i wasn't getting better i was only getting smaller my focus diminished to a pinprick of love matt, matt, matt alltheallthetime he absorbed me, into his words and his hope and i evaporated like rubbing alcohol he said that i made him happy and that i was his everything i have never been anyone's everything i am the guardian to a another human's heart is there is anything in the entire world more appealing or empowering? and so i accepted, a task i was unsure of when i said i loved, i loved when i said i hurt, i hurt but when i said forever, i couldn't grasp it like a space-time paradox, it was just too big vast and fast for me to wrap my head around i read sylvia plath and i thought about red capped bleeding thumb soldiers i read invisible monsters and i thought about blown of jaw bones and has been beauty i read my own work and i thought about how many hours and tears of my life i have spilled in order to create only a word collection and then i realized it was time to stop trying a kid from my school killed himself on saturday i didn't know him, but when i found out, i felt angry how stupid how god damn fucking stupid people cared about him people wrote nice things on his facebook wall that really seemed sincere and to think someone had to walk in and discover a lifeless hanging mannequin, well that just disgusts me

haven't been writing again haven't been doing anything, anything worthwhile atleast more tv more movies more hours at work, staring out into space feeling the pounding weight of me digging into my feet pain is nothing pain is all relative human capicity for suffering i am only a vessel for everyone else's projections i spent most of my vacation in virginia with him everything seemed boring, so lackluster at first i complained but then i stopped i remembered to stop expecting i remembered how safe it felt to be held and helped and believed in i do love him to tears, i really truly do but somewhere deep in my head i know we will both be broken hearted i miss music i miss writing i miss gymnastics i miss innocence i miss everything and everyone i used to be, but i'm not going to do anything about it next year is coming fast time to start rebuilding

everything is too too loud the fucking spanish speaker in the background my little sister's god damn homework assignment i was doing just fine untile everybody came home i swear to god, i was okay just streaming weeds and a million other movies because that incredible digital world was right at my fingertips but now that illusiion of peace is shattered it is my job to set the table rebecca needs the only good computer we have in this fucking house to do her stupid homeowrk i'm so sick of being home i'm so tired of being so breakable words,words, they all mean nothing they're just little sounds somebody else thought of i am not a writer, a creator i am only dust in a fucking costume being propped up and made to walk around and smile i'm so done feeling sorry for myself i'm so done pretending to be a REAL ACTUAL PERSON i stayed in all day again, even after i promised jesus christ i'm pathetic it's only what i deserve for everything good to be happening somewhere else

another million tv shows another movie, another chapter how many characters and imaginary plot lines can i fill my brain with before there's no room left to remember that i'm wasting away my life there's so much nothingness out there so many magazines with skinny gorgeous girls in all the ads and articles about how everyone is beautiful too many sitcoms with the that would never happens, the perfect love of a scripted chemistry that makes me feel like melting what are you doing? i ask myself after the third show turn that damn thing off and so i do, for a few minutes or an hour, but then... i get bored again and scared because my sister is always on the god damn computer and i quit gymnastics and my body is so sore from that stupid class at the gym with all those 40 year old women who are also just trying to kill some time and so i watch tv because it's s easy my mouth goes slack with my teeth flashing out all over the place i am so disgustingly lazy and everyday it bothers me less and less and less i keep making promises about this summer that's what i do whenever i get too disappointed with my life swear that at some pre set time i will change my entire personality and miraculously make it better i will go to concerts and on road trips with out telling my parents i will have fun and do weird things like play my guitar in shopping centers and not be self conscious but really i know it's all bull shit i am who i am: lazy, boring, and terrified i need something more than a date to change that i need something to actually happen to me otherwise i might just be stuck inside my little tv world forever if there's nothing new worth getting off the couch for