serenity23's Journal

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  • waking up with the lights on

    by serenity23 on May 13, 2015

    I wake up feeling terrified and alone, and the second part is undebatable which makes me accept the first. Terrified. Why? Because I am a writer who doesn't write. i'm a friend who doesnt show. Im a dealer of illness, i am ill, i am ill and im alone and its dark and im scared. I havent ever gotten this far nefore. I know i can turn back, i have to turn back. "You'll be sick" the voice hisses at me. "You need these pills. You'll be in pain". But a few days ago i let someone stick a needle in my arm, and it is only in putting that sentence in words that brings it to life, colors it dark, not an ordinary day. And the saddest part of all i think is that if i hadnt already learned that no one will ever save you, that i could get away with shooting up heroin probably 30 more times before someone would even say something...thats the part that scares me the most. This is your world now go fucking live in it. Pain. Pain casued by degenerated discs and not eating right and doing lots of drugs and hiding like a vampire going only to the chiropractor so i can beg fro tramadol, which i cant even get. I stayed up all night so i wouldnt miss the appointment. I didn't used to need sleep. Now I find myself drifting off waking up from dreams that still seem real. I feel like something bad is about to happen. Mark. Why do you do that? Why do you dip and dash through the pages of my life and we never ever meet so i cant tell if youre reading along or if its all some big sick game. You scare me. You HURT me. I want to scream. it makes no difference. I am utterly and permanently alone. Everytime i try to connect, it gets spit in my face. my faith in the world is at an all time low. and i dont have enough of a place outside it or in it or anywhere not to feel affected. Brian doesnt answer. I am in danger and brian doesnt answer. Is this my life? Am I really signing up for another year of this waste, this recklessness? I suppose I am. Brittany is good at life though. Maybe she can help me, but I sense that I am stronger. Dark overpowers. We can't see clearly to choose and if you never choose inevitably the choice will be made for you. I dont want to hurt her. I dont want to hurt anyone. but hurt people hurt people. i dont know how to take all the pain and turn it into something external that is good, so i swallow it in gulps of sadness, a martyr for nothing and no one, selfishness defined. I am not a good person. I am not extraordinary. I am not immune. I am a drug addict. I am a junkie. I am stuffy and crying and my boyfriend is too busy to call me. i have to move out of my apartment in 12 days. I will be away for 4 of them. I am scared it wont get done. i am scared that it will and brian will hate me. I am lost and no one cares. no one ever fucking cares. thats all im asking for, why is that too much??? Maybe it will be better at kinnection. Ill meet up with Brian, do some k, clear my head and my system out all at once. the scripts will help. I can bring a chair. I can be in pain. I can disappear into the world i used to feel safe in that i realize now is just the real world dressed up in pretty colors with music and some people who are exceptional and some who are sicker than me and this is how we create an identity that disguises it, makes it unrepellent. I have a line of dope left i dont know what to do with. i should save for tomorrow but brian wont talk to me and im scared. and i should get it out of my life. fuck this. i cant write anymore. it used to be beautiful but now my emotions are uncontrollable waves of panic that drown everyone close by which is a good excuse to keep them away. I want to disappear. I havent felt like this in a really long time. Yes, do the heroin. then it will be gone. then no more. 

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  • israel

    by serenity23 on May 27, 2012
    Everyone says it's supposed to be life changing and i guess thats half the battle with such great expectations but when you've found yourself and been in love and seen the world through kalidascope glasses ordinary just wont measure up I'm not going to say i didn't have fun I wish I culd take all the scenes of my ife and hang them up on clotheslines, colorful canvases replacing photographs, something that captured the essence of being and dreaming and living in these moments I wish i could spin out my life like cotton candy, delicious swirls bursting sugar taste and translate that to you, to an observer, and make my words jump off of the paper, to deliver the intention and emotion I try to express as simple as a carnival day dream I guess the best approach is to connect it with something you've already tasted When your toes licked the salt from the sea, did you remember me, did you remember me? When he was talking I just felt that pressure rise in my chest, that creshendo of metals colliding in a rush of audible soud, something measurable in time in space, something with power and purpose to put forth in this world and I listened like it was essential, like my body craved the paceding noise of knowledge and laughter and thought, and nobody else had to see and maybe it was a stretch but that was the point what is the role of the artist? To illuminate or to reflect? the lamp or the mirror? I think its both, but not always at once most people keep the curtains closed for a reason shadows lend to safety, lends to mystery, and a world of gray all of the failing and sadness does not show up in purples and blues expoding in the morning air with sun and warmth
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  • mountain jam 2012

    by serenity23 on May 27, 2012
    I'm so excited to start this summer my hair is long and my skin is gold I have this hope coursng through me like a river like a current a tumbling stone all alone and I want to make new connections but only if they are filled with the light that I see when i close my eyes and the world turns to rainbowews and I touch the core of something soft ansafe like taste of inoocence childhood memories, wanting happiness, delicate words, play fun cereal, spilling on the counter arrange it in milk a million different ways if you squint your eyes and twist your neck the upside down might just be exactly that right shade of red you were looking for all along music and motion patterns i believe in time that it sweerps you off your feet how do you catch the edges of everything special the magic in drops of rainbow containers that you can' grasp that don't dry up in summertime rain If life is a journey and everyday is an adventure then what do I do with each movement each moment do I catch my breath and l,et it flutter do i spill the wind throughout my teeth and taste the sweetness of now I know I know I know I made this instant I made it mine I made it whole and you and i are just a collection of atoms warm and soft and filled with such a sensitivity to the tinniest change in motion and i feel you and you feel me and the essence of that word isnt even enough to scrape off the edge of what we'e expereienceing the epitome of love there were tears on rooftops and music that crashed and danced and slid in waves delicate resistance to the strorm on the edge of the beach an you look out onto the ocean and the afeeling of smallness when your arms are spread as wide as they go and the ends of your fingernails fail to enclose all that you want for the world for your world, what the difference is between being and seeing and dreaming and believing and when its been so long tha all the words pile up like a sandstorm and they swirl at the hint of your finger tips because they have been with you following all along the way
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  • i think i can figure it out

    by serenity23 on August 10, 2010
    today is the first day i didnt cry in the longest time i can remember i still thought about mellissa, but it was different i think what i wrote last night helped stop the bleeding i was able to focus, to remember the goal this is a life and i am only borrowing it for a time i am going to do my best to make it right matt is still mourning and the disconnect is so evident i am living, he is having such trouble breathing i cant tell if he wants me to help or keep my distance so once again i am like a strange bright cloud floating on the horizon there is a new boy and he also claims to care i am allowing him to take me into his life for now i am leaving in 10 days nothing in this town seems to matter he kissed me and i did not want it but i did not back away what i want is matt, the way we used to be but i cant have that and any sort of closeness is better than nothing this is me learning to settle sorry mom, sorry, god, sorry matt im so tired maybe ill do better tomorow
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  • a lifeless ordinary

    by serenity23 on August 09, 2010
    its been three days and i can't stop thinking about you this grief rolling like marbles in the cavity of my chest i know its so undeserved i didnt know you, not really i should't be allowed to cry jess can cry, ben can cry, nicole can cry and i should just sit here and watch our whole town mourn and say "the girl who died? no we weren't ever friends" but i cant its so hard you were so young and beautiful and loved i keep seeing your face in my head, smiling at the dance i never thought to pay closer attention after all,its not like when you meet someone you think to yourself "treasure this moment, just in case" I feel so grateful i had that one night i think thats whats making all the difference there was a memorial tonight that i didnt go to i thought about it all day and after reading your wall tonight i know i made the right call it would have just been so disgustingly blaringly wrong for me to walk wanting to hold matts hand and crying while your whole family was crying too i dont belong to the circle of people who truly loved you i did not plan a future that you were ever a part of my grief is so strange and impure i feel like its personal i dont deserve to cry, to diminish the tears of your sisters and friends i have asked myself many times if im actually mourning something else, but the answer is always no for once, this is not selfish i cry because i am sad you are gone and because my heart truly goes out to all those this has broken in some small way i want this to change me i want to remember feeling this sorry no one had a single unkind thing to say about you to me that's such an accomplishment i know if it were me inside that car, the hurt in this town would be so much smaller i want to be a better person you inspire me, just by leaving behind such a sacred presence i hope you are somewhere safe i hope jess and nicole keep writing on your wall and i hope that makes them feel like you're not completely gone rip mellissa stay beautiful
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  • you're lost little girl

    by serenity23 on August 06, 2010
    and i cant say i knew her well but she was a face i would recognize in the hallway i had sat a a table with her i had danced with her for a few hours, talked about boys and drinking stupid thing words passed to fill silence and now she's dead vanished gone a body left cold and broken she must have been in so much pain he said i dont even want to think about it i have never known anyone lost so young still in high school, still so sheltered and inexperienced its not fair even though we knew that before the words are stronger, more vibrant now its not fair i had no idea that i would care i didn't know her well but i could have and i think that's whats getting to me my heart just goes out to these real live people whose names and faces i know who must be absolutely devastated it is not my place to help but i still feel so shaken
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  • i spent the whole day watching tv

    by serenity23 on July 28, 2010
    its just a box, but you can get lost in there how many hours of my life have i wasted staring into a screen of make believe i feel so useless and empty when i am alone, unless i am creating every breath just feels to big, undeserved if all i do is sit on a couch, then why was i given a capable body i stare at other scripted lives and it always amazes me how easily they do it the way they blend each character connects to one another like the blades of grass in a field the origin of them all is just so obvious and they're always doing nobody ever just sits around there is always a dance or a party or a class and every scene is just five minutes long if i could disappear into a sitcom, i am not sure how long i would last it must be exhausting to be so unrealistically perfect probably even harder then just hanging out feeling invisible and the deepest connection is your butt and the couch if you ask me what i have been doing all summer i will say "working and hanging out" and this will pass as accurate but sometimes i get so caught up on the way we summerize time just gloss over the empty parts at clip it into little categories how could i have been alive for over 18 years and filled so little of that time with meaning? worse still, why is that ok? i dont get it im trapped in a world thats been wasted and nobdy seems to notice
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  • heard you fuck through the water

    by serenity23 on July 20, 2010
    there is this notion we are always meant to be comfortable pain, sickness, and distress are all dealt with as problems it is not acceptable to hurt we are always searching for a solution and this is not the first time i have thought this but a few days ago it occured to me like a revelation that i do not have to care about my life and it is my choice as to whether or not i even want happiness if you live your life as a ghost everyone else will sculpt you into what you should be you can convince someone you love them, that you will save them, that they can fall asleep inside you and inside feel only the emptiness of a shot off cannon the explosion is missing the effort has passed and lies become your only instinct make me, break me, they're one in the same im a lazy dancer when you move i move with you i felt so sick and i still lived i sat through hours without looking at numbers there were television shows involved i know that means im fading when i can still cry over a make believe life and hang up the phone without flying backwards boys will always want me girls will always use me we are all replacable that makes my non existence ok i am going to college in exactly a month even though it goes against the nihilistic attitude ive adopted, im going to write every day i want a document of my floating so one day if i decide i want to own my life again ill remember who i used to be before i left it and then i'm sure ill reconsider i am my own worst enemy i nothing me there is not space and words anymore i am just unthinkable
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  • my heart's not broken enough

    by serenity23 on July 06, 2010
    it wasn't horrible but it wasnt love when i shut down, when my whole chest cavity is colapsing i find someone elses words and i cling to them like a life vest it wasnt horrible but it wasnt love in my head, the whole ride home i say it eyes bleeding water, normal conversation buzzing im sorry,but i cant come to the door right now i am stuck inside a quotation i wish there was a way to make people see inside your head all i want is to undo the zipper and say here:take it all in notice the heartbreak notice the effort please make sure you really take a moment to absorb it through your skin i have a secret and ive already told you just for the record, i really did mean it when i said i would do anything to make you love me when i had you, even in minutes or hours i used to feel special i used to believe so hard in our forever we had a plan in words we had survived miles just to seperate again and now i dont know how to pick up the pieces when you yell at me, i can only tell myself it was never love its just too much blame to take otherwise i just cant conceptualize having the ability to viciously tear apart something so vulnerable i didnt do this to us you didnt do this to us so who then, who in this whole wide world is doing this to me? if i truly believed you would come back, i would cut you out of my life not answer phone calls or texts craft myself a playing field but the problem is i know how good you are at compartmentalizing the parts of you that cant live without me have already been crushed by the parts that can i am no longer necesary i remind you of being happy and that is devestating mostly because you have already come to terms with complacent and that is good enough for now i hope you delete this i dont want you to read it i want to fall out of your life until i can stay this halfway thing isnt working im floating between who i used to be and somebody i dont recognize i just wish you were here im sorry please let me fix this
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  • I'm the lucky one

    by serenity23 on June 22, 2010
    Its finally over and it feels so great highschool four years of my life magically transfigured into a piece of paper all these people who have hurt me,loved me,left me i am moving somewhere past them i took e with ashley for the after grad and it was amazing we danced all night, sweating and smiling while the rest of our grade circled around and just watched when you know you're never going to see these people again its like really? who gives a fuck i made a complete idiot of myself and it was one of the best nights of my life i think i need to do that more often it didnt really hit me until just now, but it makes so much sense why i've held back from transforming in that school, i felt so suffocated by the perceptions its like i wasnt a real person anymore no matter how nice i was, nobody listened no matter how normally i dressed, nobody comented i was always the whore, the weird girl, the bitch labels like that from the kids who you basically grew up with over ride anything you might think you are for tonight, i no longer feel that expectation i feel new, and brave, and even special i know everybody graduates and its not really a big deal, but for me that was never the milestone the end of this year has always meant leaving starting over rebuilding somewhere new where no one knows my name the power to shape yourself into anything you want is incredible without them, i can be a "nice person" i can be a "good friend" new labels, with the letters all in cursive this time i have learned my lessons this time i will not fuck it up starting tomorow, complete transition i will switch sleep schedules i will go to the gym every morning i will eat healthy i will be friendly to everyone its so rare in life we get a chance like this to reinvent and i am fully aware of this moment insead of wishing, i am doing making my world brighter coloring my life with something amazing
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