when i feel like nothing, i always start writing i think its just a way fro me to prove that if i dig deep enough, scrape the residue off all the clogged pipes and vessels i will see there is still something left inside of me that isnt tarnished beyond repair lonely, lost, and empty three words in a row i do not know how to fill my time i do not know how to connect to other people sometimes ill wake up early and just lay there for anpther hour because even that feels more useful than just watching tv i want to switch to a dymnaxian sleep cycle, which is only 2 hours of sleep a day that means there are 22 hours i need to inhale there is a part of me that believes that if i just binge on floating time eventually my heart will crack enough to find something with meaning i want to want to be with other people i want to want to be good and kind and heroic because all i want is for everything to fade away i want to bleed out everything i have ever been taught there is no meaning, no purpose, no culture we are all masks of insignificance begging for others to care when faced with my own mortality, i wonder who will miss me see, it is not myself i care about it is only the fear i have made no impact on all thats left behind

spiral down and around i follow just tuck my head and roll when something bad happens i let myself tumble its easier than walking against the tide we get the news together and somehow it is blindsiding pain no matter how much you psych yourself up, you cant really predict it we cried and hugged, snot tears and kisses i won't became i can't we lied ourselves into pretending there wasnt always a choice they never advertise people who throw their lives away its all talk, no action the nonconformists all go to college we are a generation with enough filler to cover all the wars i watch tv for hours and hours i write nonsense i would go to the gym, but that not want feeling is devestating matt does not want to be here forever means until this gets old i love you is only a present tense i am shaking and smiling, breaking and putting on make up food sleep write always enough distractions i read someone's journal all the way through cutting cutting cutting sometimes i think the main reason ive never tried is because its just so cliche words i can handle blood is just to staining

I would like to start with a quote i still remember from a book I once read in middle school "In the course of a lifetime, what will it matter?" and if you think about it take all the events of your life combined into the tiny microscopic drop you are on this planet almost nothing is significant i am not saying this is something i live by I too am a failure at true nihilism I freak out over math tests I cry when people hurt my feelings I bruise as easily as any apple on a tree but every so often i have moments of clarity when i am incredibly conscious of the smallness of my existence its only an english project only a grade on a paper at a place i am leaving forever so i went into it ready to follow directions she drafted the script of a five minute highschool experience and i nodded my head "great" i said "this is totally absurd" even though in my head i knew it was ordinary, even though the part of me that still cared wanted to scream "you are totally missing the point!" there is keeping the peace and letting yourself be walked all over and i had yet to reach the breaking point of that difference i knew she hated me and the feeling was mutual for four years i had tolerated the ups and downs of a crazy manipulated depression-esque spiral and i was fully sick of it but in the way of most teenage girls, we put on our happy faces the cutting comments were said only to my friends and repeated later on "She thinks you're disgusting, lazy, ugly, stupid" and as much as i could not care or pretend to not care, eventually the combined force of all those little worded blades broke the skin and i felt enough was just enough one thing i have learned in growing up is that getting angry at other people for how they choose to live is a waste of time people don't change for four years i watched as my friends loved and hated each other all in the same rooms and places and for four years i was the voice of everything

I have absolutely no idea what i'm supposed to be doing there is this need, this craving to be productive work, it says give out all that newly minted effort we dont want it in here, clogging up the pores push it out create something meaningless but the stat project, the reason for this feeling, is now out of my control mia took over she did the whole damn thing and now all i have is a guilty conscious and a blood stream dripping with beaded orange motivation i want to help i swear i did but i guess its ok that i dont have to i dont mind, as long as its done right if we ace this, i am golden only three more days of school my god, im feeling magical i get afraid sometimes that nobody likes me i hear the whispers, the awkward moments i notice all that breezes over "We don't like her" simple as that best friends is just a label, like the sticker on a cereal box we all need someone to claim relationships are sticky just that word to throw around is enough how you feel, the way you treat other people when nobody is looking thats the shit we cant ungrasp i feel lucid now because i am writing words and drugs do that to me for a little while i am make believe special there is an airplane filled with 100 strangers in peru and a car filled with someone who has transcended any sort of label in your driveway they are both going to crash but you have the power to prevent one which do you choose? i would choose the airplane, but not because im a good person i only want people to think im a good person sometimes perception is the best motivation the prosepect of this summer is absolutely terrifying i have realized that time makes me unhappy i fill it with tv and sleep, the way you fill a cup with water pouring it all in, a running faucet in the kitchen its so so easy and thats what makes it difficult we are led to believe that life should not be simple so what do we do when it gets stagnant? we fuck it all up so here is what i have in my basket tonight: nothing i see the wicker bottome there is possibility for greatness i suppose but there is also possibility for sameness if i disappear will anyone notice? matt will, and thats comforting one person who cares about me wholy and truly so does that mean i should accept my fate? allow me to be saved? in theory, i could do nothing forever and even if i do melt away, i will have left someone behind to pick up the pieces and lie to everyone that i was special

Typing hands moving across a space faster faster punching in so fluid and mechanical skills have been taught to our body parts instead of to our being the feeling is not inward, only outward here is a gift, this is what i am getting i am no mooching, not begging, not borrowing or stealing just presenting wrapped up like a winter heart

picture this: a heartbeat, mid pump see the blood flow, see the fucking plasma the platelets. the white blood cells now zoom in, to the intangible inside that heart there are memories the veins, they practically throb with them inside that pulpy mess, that sticky goo there is love. there is hurt. there are starts of second chances refocus:you are a piece of dust on a ceiling fan a girl in the mirror studies a reflection its imperfect. you the dust sees this to you, this news is incredibly expected to the girl, it is somehow devastating there are words now, coming from her mouth you are not special. you are not needed. you are a wisp in a field of gold fabric and its true. you the dust feel that resonating more words now, coming from her heart "be assertive" "be proactive" "You are special" "You are a piece of work" memories, advice to you, there is no difference you are just dust they will blow you away and like the girl, you will be forgotten

i do believe there is a part inside of me that is somehow sick and twisted around what everybody thinks i am a mirror image a reflection an accidental eye contact i need to be needed loved despised the gym today, ghosts of the past if you havent, you shouldnt go to the places you used to thrive touch walls that dance with memories and light and recieve, remember all you are is still tinged with a hint of who you were i regress into my old bad habits logic is a game and i am losing notice me, look at me, look look look i am powerful, beautiful, brave and strong i have worked hard for this and gace it all away please aknowledge i am grasping for a piece people never change, not in a certain setting and so when i want attention, all i get is guilt im sorry matt, oh so sorry at first its just an idea, some words filling air and space i dont mean them, not yet i have a remote control fastforward button suprise suprise:this one too shall pass we made love or fucked, whichever works better backseat, sweaty, messy i liked it because it meant safety it meant i could return to the role of matts girlfriend i am slowly crossing out the letters im who i used to be following the rules again, because i so hate consequences speeding tickets and some bullshit excuses i do not want to live hypocritically if im still afraid, im still afraid i will stay for guitar i will sign out at school only a month, count down the days will the sun set in my corner tonight?

i don't know what to write about too much has happened since last time matt is home i got my closure it feels like summer i decided to dress normal prom was a disaster i feel so awkward and the cliffnotes version of my life is all i feel like giving

imagine waking in a room where everything is neat stacks of books. drawers of clothes folded and you get out of bed make it behind you tuck your warmth into the sheets and stare into mirror but you do not see your whole face there are rituals so many you are not sure how you remember them rules mental notes assignments and its time consuming almost obsessive compulsive except mostly, it makes sense you need this its so important to wake up this early otherwise, you will have to rush you will forget to keep your head down and someone at scool will look you in the eye and there will be something from last year that catches you off guard and for the rest of the day you will feel alone and afraid home is easy mostly, you are alone there is always somebody else's life to watch always somebody else's words to sing, somebody else's story to read you are unoriginal and that bothers you the streaming helps you not think about it everybody knows that AP tests are important studying is a must, especially for statistics there is adderall in your room, left over from a former fling and a girl who used to care you take one watch more tv while it kicks in, for the first hour, you feel fabulous weightless stat will be easy your boyfriend is coming home everything is finally falling into place you take out your notes, pages and pages hours really thats the best way to quantify it hours of your life being poured into these numbers, made up facts and people if Jamie studies for 12 hours and the mean amount of studying is 11 hours with a standard deviation of 3.5, what studying percentile is Jamie in? and the thing is, you know the answer you remember how to set up the sampling proportion and distribution you click on the right answer and it lights up but all you feel is a nagging disappointment that your brain has not found something better to cover such information up with you have a system you do online chapter tests 1-11 until it is time for dinner "come set the table", they yell, right in the middle of a problem it takes a while, but eventually you go you are angry for being interupted and it shows you try not to say much, but bits and pieces spill out six hours of your afternoon have gone into stat, but its still not done the adderall has worn off and all the little pieces of what used to be a person are starting to click inside you you realize you don't want to study you don't like what it makes you do you realize that you deserve to have that freedom as nice is it is to be safe and organized, sometimes its debilitating heartbreaking condensing to shut out every little want that pops into your head and then suddenly, they start exploding you want to watch tv you want to leave the dinner table you want to move away you want to start over you want to be more reckless you want an interesting experience you want absolution determinination.spirit.soul the sparks of desire ignite together and spin around your fog cloud wait its more than desire its an answer that question you kept asking, what was it again? what do you believe in? i believe what i choose for myself is important what do you mean by that? i believe that my time here can be wasted. and i am sick of wasting time thats not enough I know its not. I need more. so give it. take it. I believe that even though i am so small and invisible compared to the world, i need to create somethings that matter. I want to create. I am sick of only absorbing. I want to be a real person. I want to love things. I want to hurt things. I want to change things. so change. it's not that easy who said it had to be? nobady. It doesnt have to be. bravery is hard, even when it doesnt seem like much comparatively, you mean? yea. I know just believing that my time matters isnt the same as fighting a war, but for now it is my war. i can't keep writing about having nothing to write about. if there are no terribleawful things, then i'll make do with just action. i refuse to remain stagnant. i am no longer faded so when do you start making your life amazing? I don't know you don't know? no. I...I feel scared again. maybe i should study more. it's getting late You're better than this, you know. You don't need a mask I'm sorry Don't appologize but i'm sorry. i feel like I'm letting you down who? you but I am you. there's no glass in words oh...that's right.I forget you couldn't save me No. So why don't you try to save yourself? Okay. I can try. I'm sorry, but for now its really the best i can do

It's so cold in this room and i dont know why its going to be may this weekend this year is almost over matt comes home in less than two weeks i am excited, but also nervous we've never been together for an extended period of time i hope we dont get sick of each other i guess this will be good to find out if we really are as perfect together as we imagine if not, well who knows i read the perks of being a wallflower the other day i think i found the missing ingredient to an interesting journal my life just isnt fucked enough to have much of a storyline there is no childhood molesting, no abusive boyfriends, no LSD there is just a white town and lots of money and a pretty face and a loving family and there's just not much room to go uphill with that whenever im high, i always start to find society sort of laughable when i do things that are just sooooo stereotypical like talk about prom or even clean my room, it feels a little like life is a game of sims its hard to describe, but i can sort of see how easy it would be to disappear if I wasnt me like if everday was really just a strange simulation, and i could win at a game of happiness and control me from a computer screen, i would probably make me so much braver they say if you are unhappy, you have to change something and i mean, that's obvious unhappy isn't a feeling you want lingering around but no one ever tells you what to do with complacent like most gray areas in this black and white world, the idea of being "just okay" isn't really discussed if i know i am lucky, what if I make a change and mess every opportunity up? is that risk worth the chance to be legitimately thrilled to be alive? anyone who reads this (although why would you, my journals have been terrible lately) please please comment i'm just really afraid of being let down