[16]There's a party by the bay. Rain! December rain is the best to dance in. It's the only time of year that gets cool here. But I can't dance to save my life, so I'll just open a window. =] I love the rain. You have no idea.

[15]Well I'm here, with you. It’s one of those nights I look out the window, and imagine I can hear the echoes of someone calling out to me. But it’s too faint to understand. It’s so still. I'm seeing this everywhere. "Find your own happiness." So I'm trying to find out whether there's a reason I don't want to, or if I'm just incompetent. It's a WIP. (but looks like the latter, interpret at will)

[14]I know it's hard to hear me out again. Taking the easy way out and catching up via other sites I've used lately. [See below.] This has been the longest week. I just can't find anything to do. Motion City Soundtrack and Relient K are love. That is all.

[12] A friend once told me it was ironic; “Usually artists are the more liberal, social types, and people like engineers are quieter and such. But you’re exactly the opposite.” And as he points it out, I realize he’s right. So.. I’m working at it. Slowly, but there may be hope for me yet.

[Eleventh Entry] I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Wants to make a favorable impression and be recogn..."

Click here to read the rest of the results. Yeah, that sums it up pretty well. "Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on his resources." Hooly crap. Dead on with my attitude towards drawing. "Resists mediocrity and sets himself high standards." The other reason I never get any art done, precisely. The results seem more accurate when you just pick the first colors you notice. And use the break timer to forget your order. Nothing else worth mentioning. Life is mundane incarnated.

[Tenth Entry]It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. "We seem so far away from these things we used to know We seem so far away from everything we are" Alienated from myself again today. This whole week has been pitiful. Empty, dull, dry. Sitting in school, effortlessly. Surrounded by fools. Respectless, tactless. Arrive home, without the soul to draw, unable to soak in my music. Too down for talking. "You're not alone!" ...but I'll be damned if Saosin hasn't saved me. *sigh* RosesAtSunset, it's the heartfelt and honest things you and similar people say that ruin reality. Where nobody acts freely. Jovial and friendly, perhaps, but unconditional kindness is less than scarce. It's easier to swim in a shallow world when you're ignorant of the oceans. That's just High School for you though. (or so they say) (the first trick to unearthing a boy's emotions is to catch him unguarded by company and figure out his interests. people are less swift to put up insecure or awkward walls when they're familiar with one another.)

[Ninth Entry]I think I'll go eat cereal, and stare out the window.. Wow. Today I woke up utterly miserable, lack of sleep I guess. The day wore on wearily, without excitement, and minimal homework. When I got home, I was this close to falling asleep, but a combination of guitar, peach Propel, and mySeity's writing not only eased me awake, but put me in the clearest, open-minded state I've been in for a while. I've been very artistically inclined today, though after the music cooled down and spending a few hours on an incomplete sketch it drooped off. Still! Drafty lines have been fluttering through my mind nearly all afternoon, depicting the most amusing and deep things. (that wasn't lame, k? *thumbs up*) Partially inspired by history teacher's expression of distaste for her "inner voice" while reading, I believe I conversed a little with mine. It's.. no, she's nice. Without sounding perverse, a tease. And so simply right. And happy. I swear it's contagious. (Haha. If there's going to be a cheerful voice in my head, a guy would just be too strange.) It's comforting. And if I step back to see myself as two minds, she seems so pure. I find that by trying to please "her," I feel happier myself. Breaking topic, fall, if not winter (thar be no in-between seasons in Texas!), has arrived! Actually, just a cold front. It was so chilly that I had to get under some cover in bed to warm my feet. Must find a blanket to sit on at the computer. I'm excited. And I wonder how soon I'll be able to wear that oversized striped jacket.

[Eighth Entry]The rain then sends dripping, acidic questions I have a dilemma. Since yesterday, I've been thinking of Kat. A lot. It's.. I sort of wish I could be in a relationship with her. Just the more I think about it, the more I realize we have in common. Games, arts, general mindset and views. She wants to pursue literature, me, illustration. Since I've known here for a long time on livejournal, I feel closer to her personal life. She seems more like the type I could just relax and enjoy the time or discuss deep/philosophical sorts of things with. I have done that, to some degree. I can recall the time she was the first that came to mind when I was feeling sort of down/lonely. I've seen a picture of her, so the connection feels stronger. From the moment I met her, there was a sort of connection, chemistry. At least on my end. *sigh* But, she's in Florida for college. I don't know how long, I don't know where she's going afterwards, and I don't know what she thinks of me. I mean, the times when I most often conversed or RPed with her, I was what, 13-15? Heh. I made a lot of foolish, simple mistakes to make myself look clumsy. She's also two years older than I am, and I don't know how that affects her views of me. I even made the blunder of saying I expected to find somebody younger than I was. Hm. Two sides to that. 1. The reality is I would feel better in a relationship with somebody slightly older, because it would seem like there was less pressure on me to influence it, and it would just seem more comfortable. A large part of it is simply level of maturity. 2. Although I am more disposed to the slow, lazy sort of [feminine?lolD:] relationship, part of me would rather be a little more adventurous, etc. This is probably the type I would be in with Carina. Thinking of it though, I can see myself in a long term relationship with Kat.. but notsomuch Carina. I sought her out on the solely because of our loneliness, and probably dramatized emotions on my part. The other side of that is, like earlier, I don't know where Kat will or wants to end up. My path seems to be taking me to California, even right into San Francisco. And.. I do like Carina. I still think about her all the time. If it doesn't work, I can see her as a very close friend with mutual trust. Time will tell...

[Seventh Entry]There's so much more than this. I finally threw a few brushes on a three year old request and submitted it, breaking a 13 week absence from ~project-shadow. :\ That was a little heart wrenching seeing so many old friends or names I admired. For a split second I couldn't even recognize p-s as my own account. Also organized and cleaned tons of old Maple screenshots. That was really discouraging. I'd even forgotten about some things Carina and I had done. Frankly, it ticks me off. I. can't. manage. my own mind. Something feels a bit unsettling. Forewarning. Imminent? Ugh. Mel's doing this time capsule project in school, right? Putting in some letters, notes, music, and whatnot to remind her of these years. I was thinking as I read about it, what would I put in? To represent this period of confusion and utter failure of memory? A blank piece of paper? ...just, ugh. :\ "and I know that it's so cliche to tell you that every day I spend with you is a new best day of my life" Well. That CD might save a few things. But you know? This just gets me so badly too. Even last year, where I might admit to have been under a fairly heavy depression (if not ton of stress), I may have been happier than now. At this moment anyway. There was still hope. I know that. Carina was probably a big reason for that too. Did I have a goal? I suppose. To catch up in-game, and, perhaps I dreamed, to Love her? Heh. Such shortsightedness. What do I do now? Who am I now? After abandoning the Sonic fandom, and dropping out of interest in Maple. What do I identify with? Conversing with Steven about some old games today was nice, but.. just no, not going there. Why can't I identify with myself? If I were just a little more enthusiastic, drew enough to find a theme or niche.. I give up for now. Homework, you know. (I can already hear groans in the future just reminiscing.)

[Sixth Entry.]To get this stopped heart beating again. Oh man, would that be wonderful if it were true. *crosses fingers* A recap of the last few months. At the end of the school year, I somehow found myself asking Carina out. [May 5th] Uneventful remainder of the school year, and come summer.. nothing particularly exciting for the first few months either. Just relaxed, stayed up late, slept in as much as I could with Mom getting me up so early even when it had barely started. Found a few new animes [FLCL, Eureka 7, AirGear, Innocent Venus]. Created ~thecountdown and restarted on deviantART. Right, so. I think I suffered from a weird phase of apathy nearly the whole summer. I can't stand it. With the school year starting again, I feel like I'm falling out of it, but ugh. I feel disconnected most of the time, then occasionally very sensitive and insightful, or clear. Most troubling about that is many times I'm not sure about my relationship with Carina.. I distinctly remember being so hooked, but.. ..^_^ I can't help but wonder if it was thinking of her that made me feel so warm or a fever from my sickness the last three days. Hehe. Well. I think I should be doing more for her. And it seems like ever since we were coupled things have been shaded. Like I, at least, try to censor what I say only to seem optimistic. I can look at Freen and Orin, and easily see that they have occasional arguments or bumps, besides the flirting (hah!), and I wonder if that's something we should be doing. Not to suggest I would incite a disagreement, I'm assuming that if we were more open things would just happen sometimes.. Yet again, Freen and Orin are a few years older, that is very obvious. It feels more natural to me for this to be a more blissful period. I still wish we were more open. I think that may be enough for now.. As to the custom, I'm writing while putting off a load of homework on the eve of a test.