What did you wake up to this morning? alarm clock. worst possible sound. Who were you with last night? myself. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? nah. When is the last time you saw your crush? who cares. Who can you tell anything to? mom. Do you know anyone named Peter? parker. Who is your last phone call with? telemarketer. What's the last thing you said/typed? telemarketer. How's life? dull. fastpaced. Last time you cried? a while ago. Why? over a movie, probably. Have you ever thrown up? sure have. Where was the first kiss you had with the last person you kissed? my room. Do you love anyone who's name starts with an L? sure do. Are you happy? irritated at the moment. Are you excited about anything? GRADUATION. What makes you happy in life? spring.sun.mom. What were you doing at 3 in the morning? sleeping. Do you have any text messages saved on your phone? no text. Do you enjoy life? sometimes, yeah. How long was the last relationship you were in? three months. Would you take a bullet for anyone? i would for someone i loved. What are you listening to? spill canvas-all hail the heartbreaker! Do you like it? love it. Have you ever took medicine that wasn't prescribed to you? yepp. Are you surprised about something? nope. Is there anyone who doesn't like you? probably. Do you feel bad because someone doesn't like you? no. In your household who do you fight with the most? mother. What's the worst thing about hugs? the odor from people is sometimes bad:X What did yesterday consist of? sitting around in my pajamas watching pointless tv shows like antm and tyra. Did you talk to anybody random yesterday? no. If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be? mr. darcy, haha When was the last time you went ice skating? way back in middle school. Who was the last person you hugged? my mother=] What was the last thing that really made you smile? my cat cuddling with me. Someone trips in front of you-what do you do? if it's someone i know, i laugh. if it's someone i don't know, i ask if they are allright. Have you ever failed a class? nooooo. A person says they like you-you say: i don't say anything. i laugh. dumbass. Do you like cuddling? very much. Are you close to your parents? VERY close. Do you go hunting? nope. Do you like to run? at times. most, no. Do you plan on dressing up for Halloween next year? no. What word starts with M? move. What is your favorite day of the week? thursday. Do you have deja vu often? too often. Has your favorite color ever been pink or blue? mine is blue. Do you believe in true love? i would like to. How many hoodies do you own? three or four. Where'd you get the shirt you're wearing? hot topic. What time did you go to bed last night? around midnight. Do you make your bed daily? no. Do you own slippers? about five pair, haha. Is there a TV in your bedroom? yes. Are you afraid of the dark? nope. How was your day? dull.

I'm extremely tired and angry. So why type this out now? Because tired and angry is my motivation. I seem to say more than when I am happy. It just dawned on me today that I am actually graduating. May 29th. I am so excited. I am just graduate and start my life. Get a job. Work for the rest of my life. Get away from people. On to new people that irritate me. So certain boy who leads me on, I like. I've liked him for a long time, and I have no idea why. Maybe it's the, I always want what I can't have, but I like to think that's it's more than that. I actually have feelings for him. Maybe he is being honest with me. Maybe he feels the same way I do. I don't know about him though. Something tells me not to trust him again. He just lets me down, continously. And he doesn't care. How could you not care if you let someone down? Isn't that the ultimate letdown to yourself? Letting down other people? When I hurt someone else, I don't know how to go on with my life. All I can do is cry and say how horrible I am. I hate hurting people. I want to know how I do it. Just when you feel like you have nothing left, someone pulls you back in. Sucks. My anxiety is letting up. It makes me so happy. I feel better than I have in a long time. My mind doesn't race as fast. My hands are still shaky, but that's just a part of me. It's hard to switch to a new dose, but it's worth it. There are my good days, my bad days. Anxiety is just a part of who I am. I am going to worry. I am going to have panic attacks. I am going to get dizzy and black out. I mind, but in a way, I don't. Because, like I said, it is who I am. I am tired more. I eat more. Then I get sick because I eat so much and all I do is sleep. Boy who leads me on is online. What am I going to do? Not to talk him. He could care nothing if he talks to me at all. He could care less.....ahhhhh. I need to stop typing for now.

Today is my last day of spring break. I didn't do anything. at all. I hung out with my friends a little bit, not as much as planned. I suppose they didn't want to hang out that much anyway. Easter passed. It was dull, as usual. And as usual, I was left out sitting with my family. I'm glad this journal is private, because I will type exactly what I feel. fuck. I want to graduate and get out of here already. I need to get away from certain people. Certain guys who just lead me on and act like they will follow through. I wish he wouldn't do that. He makes me want to punch a wall. He repeatedly says all this nice stuff, but it doesn't amount to anything. I think the only thing I will miss is my cat. I'll miss people, but not all that much. No one is enough to make me stay here in this black hole. I'm afraid my ex-boyfriend is getting the wrong idea. I like him still, but nothing will happen. I push him away constantly, so no. Nothing will happen. I'm moving and happilly doing that. Senior year is amounting to absolutely nothing. And I'm glad, it makes me not have to think twice about moving. I'm pretty sure I cannot trust 2/3 of my friends. I know they talk behind my back. I was in the library and I walked in the aisle and two of my best friends just stopped talking when I went in. They tried to cover it up. It's not allright. I feel like they are manipulating me. They want me to do exactly what they would do. They feel like they are so perfect. Well, guess what? They suck. I think way too much. I'm always wondering about someone. Are they thinking of me? Do they care? Why aren't they talking to me? Why don't they say the same things they said yesterday? How can I trust anyone? Even my own mom. How can I trust her with what she is doing? She lies to other people, what makes me so different? She lies to her own mom, ex-husband, and 'boyfriend'. What makes me so different from them? I'm her daughter. My graduation is coming up in about two months. And after that, everything is going to change. And even if it does not seem good after the first few months, KEEP GOING. IT WILL GET BETTER. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP. I NEED THIS. DO NOT GIVE UP, STEPHANIE.

I broke someone's heart. Just because of the way I am. I push everyone away constantly. And I hold grudges forever. And now someone is breaking my heart. Again. Why do I let him do this to me? He comes back into my life inconsistenly. He tells me how much he thinks about me, how much he cares, how he might love me, but when it all comes down to it, he doesn't amount for anything. He won't follow through with anything he says. Now I know why I decided not to talk to him anymore. That was the right choice. Piece of crap he is. I'm leaving here in a while. In a couple months actually. By this time next year, everything is going to change. I'm going to be in a new state and all my friends in a different town. Who knows what next year will bring? I don't why I overanalyze so much. I want to control everything so much. I want to know t he future holds for me and all my friends. I've lost so many friends, there must be something wrong with me, but my best, longest friend ever reassures me that it's not my fault, it's theirs. It's spring break right now. And it's not even spring. I see snow. I see slush. I see dark skies. And some sun. Some spring break. I have yet to do anything. I'm so boring. I need to shower. I need to do so much. I hope I save these random journals that I do at random times, because they actually do mean a little bit to me. I think I'm just going to type stuff out on here. Maybe it will make me feel better. Not like anyone reads my profile anyway. They don't care. Well, I'm off to finish my laundry.

i am home. and it seems all different now. my friends aren't my friends. it's not the same. and no one wants it to be the same. maybe i have different expectations. i don't know what i'm trying to say, really. but i'm home. this is it. and i'm not leaving.

remember for when i come home. don't talk to anyone for awhile. leave myself alone. remember how i feel right now. my mom is the only person i can depend on. spend all my time with her, if possible.