i'm just going to leave you alone because i was pretty much in love with you and i have to stop thinking of ways to get you to care about me again and i still think you're pretty and i hope that you're doing well and i hope you get better at avoiding me because right now you're really bad at it and i'm sorry for being such a creep but not really because i was just being the way i am and if you dont like that then you dont like me and i dont like you anymore because you turned out to be unextraordinary, so bye, and oh your eyes are shit compared to the sky, no offense.

i'm still passing a bottle back and forth outside late into the night, but this time it's green apple soda. i'm crazy and i may have a solution to how much i hate you. though these things require a bit of thought and i dont think about you anymore. i should think about what i really want and the means i really need to get it. i'm not going to force myself though. i'll figure it out when it's really important. i hope, atleast. i'm young and there are still possibilities that life wants to dance with me. i just gotta swing things the right way. and according to truth, it's never too late. but you gotta know that means it's never too early either.

you look like christmas morning, so it looks like i'm going to be sleeping in. fuck blue, it's all about orange now. and the two should never be allowed to come together to break my little old heart. blue was a person. orange is a colour. i'm happy in headache format.

i look like the michelin tires lady in all my field hockey gear. it's pretty fun, but all the goalie equipment is crap since this is the first time we've had this sport at my school. we may be getting some new stuff though. i hope so. i think gained some r-e-s-p-e-c-t from the team by actually being able to block shots. i am craaaazy sore and unbelieeeeevably sick. except for my health being in such shabby shape, i'm glowy. i dont care for [people] like you, but you don't care anyway.

i'm the goalie on the field hockey team now. i've been getting loads of snobby looks from the other players and stuff. i don't really mind much, i just mostly feel sorry for them. honestly, wouldn't you? hannibal the cannibal. that movie was so damn mild. maybe i'm a creep now, but i wanted horror. i'm really sick now. i hate colds. i carry around a kleenex box wherever i go. i want meet someone else in the hallway who has one too. then knock boxes together and say, "cheers!" my innerglow came back all soft and almost warm. i still make mistakes like hell but i know how to be forgiven. i don't know how to return the favour yet though. the only thing i ever loved was my dog. and next in line was peter pan. i broke both their godamn hearts "and some things you can never, ever forgive yourself for."

hahahaha. honestly, you're fucking everywhere. and i don't get hallucinations anymore so i'm pretty sure you're, unfortunately, the real thing. so i broke into my own house today and then the. i have a sore throat. argh, i get sick way to easily because i'm a cake and cakes have layers too. honest. there once was a car that couldn't pass GO because it was always "just visiting" his friends in jail. and my pencil sharpener's fucking electric and half the people think i'm retarded and half the people think i'm a visionary. well, shoot. my mom bought it for me and it's orange so i'm down. too bad you're way up there, eh?

geez, i wish my glow could last for more than a fucking second. i guess it's the need for more sleep getting to me. i just wish you didn't look away so fucking fast. i was trying to read the back of your shirt, but i didn't know it was you. and when you turned around it kind of shocked me but fuck, do you have reflexes. it's cool though, i understand your fear of people who look (like) home(ly). but that's a lie. i'm not home(ly), i'm just tired and i hate your fucking guts. and honestly. you're avoiding ME? after what YOU fucking said about me? i should punch you in the face because i sure as hell wouldn't want to see it, let alone LOOK at it, with anything but a shiner. go fucking fall asleep next to a liar.

private journals shouldn't be put up, i hate seeing that red text. i'm so selfish and mean as of late, it's terrible. i've even been known to rest my feet on broken accordions. it's strange how i complain about being sad and then i follow it by stating how horrible i am. it seems i am deserving of those times when i am not at my best. i used to write in perfect grammar about my discoveries of the mind, heart, and body. but ever since then, my heart's been held ransom and the price being that i keep my fucking mouth shut about things that i don't know enough of. honestly, i'm so full of shit sometimes, it's insane. i miss my old friends. i wish i hadn't flipped out and decided that i should experiment with "devil inside." but jiminy cricket never let me have any fun alors j'ai lui écrasé. pardon by fucking frenglish, but that's what my goddamn french teacher happens to be teaching. no joke. the only class i like is history. it's in french and the teacher actually corrects our grammar. i love that. and i've learned so much about the world wars. i really want to do well in her class. first time in a while i've actually paid attention properly. i'm one of those quickstudy types. though i think i've gotten the silliness out of my system from last year. i hope, really. and i felt one word to 11:11 and it was was the best wish i ever made. I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you.

i'm sorry for being sad. i shouldnt be because things are pretty good right now. it just feels like someone's trying to blow up a derailed train. i'm pretty much gone, if you don't know what i mean. i just gotta cut me some slack now and again. coz you can't exactly keep jumping off buildings if you end up dying everytime. i just badly need to be okay with how people can be sometimes. and i promise to hate anyone who hates brand new. haven't yet met anyone who does and is worth hating. you can't blame someone for staying in their cage after it's been unlocked. if God gave me grace, then why aren't i graceful?

i don't get it. my old journal was fucking horrible. i deleted it last year around june. i hate the fact that people liked it. and it hurts me because my favourite set of words got deleted today. and man, those fucking words. "i am put at ease somewhat by the inevitablity of strange and dark days. not light but the opposite, it is inevitable. this hotel room overlooks a city that i do not understand when usually i am overlooking cities that do not understand me. i dont have any "start over" left inside of me. i wish anyone would understand. all roads lead to longing. the neon signs never turn off here. there are oceans inside of me." i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know who to be. i guess i just pretty much summed up what it's like to be a teenager in those two sentences. i'm going to be honest and say i'm tired of having no one to relate with. i have no bestfriend but a million people to hang out with. i'm so lonely, you know. and i can't trust anyone because i'll honestly go fucking crazy if another fucking person hurts me. i'm sorry i'm so judgemental and harsh. i cant love everything. well, anything.