hoboless parks are a sign that they sleep on the steets. this place is small but so am i. starting to hate new people because too much hope gets vested in them. and shit, i'm done being "the incredible sulk." i have too many friends and not enough enemies. there's nothing to be saved from and i don't know anything else. it's making me insecure as hell. fifteen is better than fourteen but not by much. i'm still clueless.

we see different sides of the sky. we used call each other and argue about whose shone brighter. everytime i went over there, i had to agree. but to my surprise when you dropped by here, you said my stars were million-faceted diamonds. that's about the time when i lost my faith in you. it's how you could crumble so easily. we both knew that i followed you, and we were both fine with that. but for you to cave in to me was indelible. we laughed and we hugged then you left. i stopped returning your calls before they stopped coming. seemed you were almost as shocked. you could never beat me at feelings. you could kill me in chess and arm wrestles, but hell. the only time you ever hurt my feelings was the only time you ever gave me a compliment.

school tomorrow. "sophmore slump or comeback of the year" whatever. i'm not nervous because it's happened all before. "thnks fr th mmrs" who cares. don't really listen to music much anymore. i haven't heard that album with the Micheal Jackson cover. really didnt have it in me. dont have much "fall out boy" in me anymore. all i listen to is Brand New, Bright Eyes and occasionally Say Anything. read The Every Boy ages ago and i'm going to buy it soon. i have to go or something.

perspective usually hides where my eyes are facing when they're rolled back. we're all cooing at how cute it is to be young while swooning over how cool it is to be old. i'm no different, really. i eat reese puffs for breakfast and i read the cereal box every damn time. then i drink bitter coffee and i read poetry. a happy(?) medium would be reese puffs in coffee with poetry glued onto the cereal box. shit, i'll try that sometime. but i'm still drinking make-believe tea with peter pan and i really don't want to let go of that. i have my entire life to fuck it up. i'm going to see Hamlet 2 tomorrow. it wasn't planned like a, "think you can manage to swing this?" well, more like a, "we're watching this." because i'm the patron saint of last minute changes of plans. i'm real nice most of the time, but totally two-faced all the time. i blame highschool more than i blame you. even though it was you who proved me right. thus shifting the axis on which my head was tilted, and thus lending me a sharp dose of perspective. thanks.

gold medal soccer goalie. and we won in a shoot-out too, hot damn. it was purely an underdog story, 99% luck and 99% chance that i love you. last year i screwed us all over by sleeping in and we got eliminated right away. thank you restitution, my head can lie down. no more sleeping pills and no more sleepless nights. i'm starting to think i'm a little too sensitive and obnoxious. today was our final game and we were so laid back that they actually made me play as a forward. i didn't score any goals but you know, 'first time ever' is a pretty good excuse i think. oh, and for some reason everytime the other team tried to score, they missed. one time, it actually hit the top bar and bounced off. i was laughing hysterically because these things shouldn't happen but god do i love it when they do. improv camp was crazy fun. hard with a brknhrt but whatever, i'm too solidified to wonder much. still do a little, hell, it's impossible not to. now i'm doing an arts camp and i'm terrible at art but today was fun. we made buttons and i got some used clothes for reasons i really don't understand but cool! yesterday was crap- we made felt mittens. honestly, it's summer and who wears mittens anyhow? i mean, except kindergarteners but they can get away with pretty much anything. my friend slept over for a few days and she's sleeping over again tomorrow. it's a little funny because we're constantly annoying the hell out of each other. i feel good and it's nice. thnks fr bein thr. nd f yu wrnt, i 4gv yu bcz noon els evr did.

man, oh man. you have to see the cloudy sky through polaroid sunglasses. the kind that you can't tell if you look good in or not because they're too fucking dark to be able to see your reflection. anyways, the parts of blue you see through the openings in the clouds are a deep, rich blue. and it's as if heaven is flashing her wrists at you, like a geisha, you know. i have a headache to own all headaches. i love improv camp. it's amazing and my heart's a little woah because it gets like that when i'm around overly flirty people. but i don't want that, really. but yr head's so warm on my shoulder, and i hope my bones aren't hurting your head. coz mine's the only one allowed to have that. nevermind. landlocked blues. it really doesn't mean much to me, but it's so nice and it's anti-whatever.

i'm desperate, but not really because i don't really have any needs that can't just be considered wants. i'm so so so sad right now but i can't tell anyone about it. just can't put myself out there anymore, but i don't have a choice. i have people who have expectations of me, but they don't really need me there. and it's hot as hell here, but i'm so cold. i asked st. anne for hope, warmth and comfort when i already had them all. so they got taken away. some things are better left unknown. i KNEW you didn't care. i just KNEW. but you didn't need to be a jerk about it, okay? this honestly doesn't matter because i'll be okay tomorrow. 'here vs. now' was never my style anyway. I DONT EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. please?

watched A Beautiful Mind and my own head is spinning. made me realize how crazy i am. i cant explain. all the screaming i hear and the rhythmic bass lines that write themselves down in my nervous system. the way i've switched my preferences to idealistic dreams. it's a coping mechanism. i'm very sensitive to bright light and when i drink tea i tell the host to give me four and a half spoons of sugar because reality is too bitter swallow alone. i'm ever so scared to be alone. but you wouldnt be able to tell with the way i walk like i'm floating. then sometimes, i have my feet stapled to the floor and any pretty bird will tell you what that's like. indifference annoys me because i care too much. and it takes a lot of effort to pretend that i'm normal and "not licked yet!" and alive when you aren't smiling back. its twenty-two past two in the morning and i'm still thinking. i'm the given-up kind of angry right now. my eyes are falling into my skull because of how deep and dark these circles are. but i bet mom always told you to be nice to zombies and other species of corpses with pulses.

i don't want to be in my story anymore, but i guess nobody ever really does. nevermind. sad in a destructive kind of way. i want to sleep all day; scratch that, never wake up. not suicidal but i just wish that i would spontaneously combust. there's a psychology term for it, but i really don't care. i'm like that dog in 101 dalmations trying dust away my footprints, but you know, there's not enough time because Cruella de Vil wants to skin me to make stylish clothing. just kind of drifting away again, feeling like a leper. i don't like this. it feels like i'll never get my late night car rides or early mornings on my front porch ever again. and those are the only things that make me feel awake because of the pleasantness of it all. i've slept so long but its dizzying to stand up. considering the fact that i might be seriously ill, but naaah i'm probably glamourizing something simple. it's funny how much i dislike myself and how in the same way i won't let anyone like me, or worse love me. because in all truth, everyone should hate me for all the not nice things i do. but thats what revenge is for and 'we accept the love we think we deserve'

everyone is so wrapped-up in their own issues right now. i'm not really as troubled as i used to be though. mostly thanks to the fact that i'm beyond exhausted all the time. i swear, nothing else matters. i'm behind in school though. i need to do like 2383913 responses for english for friday but i'm going to ask for an extension till monday. a comic strip for english, but i cant draw for shit. i need to borrow someones french book and do my article responses. i need to write my french presentation. most importantly i need to make my resume but my mom keeps being busy. i'm loving but i'm doing everything possible to make sure that other people dont love me. i miss helena a lot right now. she'd always read my entires and ask me why i was so sad. and we'd spend hours talking about it. we stopped being friends because i started hating hugs and i was always busy so we couldnt talk much anymore. she called a lot at first. then she just kind of stopped and things got weird. she was my bestfriend and then i just got cold and closed. she chased after me for a while before she gave up. now i don't really have much to my name except a stunning pair of circles under my eyes. oh well. people change and seasons don't change a thing. now she's really different. she doesnt like my stories and she doesnt like my songs. the only reason she still talks to me is by habit. she doesnt read this anymore so it doesnt matter that she doesnt like being written about anymore. 'sleep hard. wish well.'