Well I'm eighteen now, and single again. After 5 months of misery. And glad to be single, but it's still tough. Waking up every day and having to remind myself to be happy, to be satisfied with who I am. Every morning I force myself to look in the mirror and say to myself 'I'm pretty ok!' and believe it. To say, 'oh it'll heal itself and it'll be ok after that' every time my skin falls apart because of that costitutional eczema. Every time my hair stands up straight and won't do anything anything I have to say that'll get better with time. Everything will get better. That blasted optimism. And believe it! xxx winterwoods

It really does, especially when it just stops working for like 3 months. So here I am, back again, with renewed internet or something :p. Well, not really much happened, though it feels like everything's different now. I work full time now, receptionist, answering the telephone, administration. It's actually fun. Friendly colleages and everything... And I have a boyfriend, 3 months now already. He's so sweet and... well, mine ^^. And I'm turning 18 in two months, which is of course very cool too. Though I do feel I'm getting quite... old. And mature and stuff. Don't know if that's so cool as it seems. Well, i'm going to enjoy my internet some more. XxX winterwoods

Tonight's graduation! Whiee, I'm so happy. And tomorrow I'm going to the movies with a guy, who's kind of cute :p. Things couldn't go any better :D. I bought this brand new outfit for tonight, I'm wearing it right now. I feel like I'm not even me anymore, but that's cool for one night because I still act like me :). I'm wearing something directly out of the elle girl I think ;). Well I'm going to eat something right now, and after that, it's off to school, for the very last time! XxX winterwoods :D

I just have to express my anoyance for a second. I HATE it when guys don't respond, they don't have to respond in an hour or so. But like, within ten hours or so would be cool. Oh well, last time I didn't respond for a whole day, because I lost my phone... So yeah, maybe he's just busy or lost his phone. I'm not freaking out or anything though :). XxX winterwoods

You know, It's like I've entered a new period of my life or something... I mean, there are these teenage girls who have there first boyfriend at 11 or something and are practically married at 18 (er, or not). I've never been interested in boys at that age, and I've never really been looking for guys in that way. But now, there are like... guys. Everywhere. The worst part is that I don't think I like any of them. Maybe I'm just too picky, because they're all very nice guys, really sweet and friendly and very kind to me. And some of them may actually like like me :p. It's weird, dealing with guys, I've noticed that before, but it so very obvious, I really don't know how to act around them. Especially weird is that this stage of my life should've happened at like 14 or something. O well, I guess I'm a late bloomer ;). XxX winterwoods.

There's this guy, and I think he likes me :S. As in, like likes me. And I don't really like him the same way, he's cool and very nice, but... that's it. I don't know him that good yet, but I would like to get to know him, just as friends though. I'm afraid he will think I like him back if I talk to him or anything, so I'm kind of ignoring him right now. Not the best way of dealing with it, I guess ;). Last saturday I got kind of drunk, again. Good move >_

I passed my exams! No more highschool! Never! Ok, I don't know if I really should be glad about that, but for now I don't want to think I just want to be glad. I'm working now fulltime in a shop, it's awful. People keep asking me if I like my job and I'll be all happy and cheerfull and saying that it's a good job, pays well and mention all the pre's of the job. But I don't really like it. I hate it that I'm dead tired at the end of the day and all I can do is lye on the couch and wait for time to go by so I can go to bed. It's too heavy work for me. Running around in the shop, carrying heavy things. I want to work with my brains, not with ... well my 'muscles'. But oh well, I'll just... go to sleep right now, tomorrow's another day of hard work. xxx winterwoods

Haven't used this journal for a while. I have been on the website, but only for the lyrics. That makes sense, seeing that that is the purpose of this site. Well... Tomorrow I'm getting my test results back, so then I'll know wether or not I've passed the exams. I really hope so, I never want to go back to high school and it would be great to end that period of my life once and for all. Not that I'm so keen on getting old, but it beats being an insecure teenager. I worked the last couple of days, I got a job in a small shop where they sell tea and coffeecups and stuff. All sorts of things that have to do with tea or coffee. Mostly old people come there, and families with small children. I have to make sure the articles are all properly displayed and stuff like that, and I do stuff in the storage. When I'm feeling up to it I can help customers at the cash register, but I don't want that (yet). I also have another job interview this friday, to be a receptionist at a office. It feels kind of like cheating, applying for a job even though you already have one. I'm feeling very guilty right now, frankly. It sucks. I'm not enjoying life much right now, to think that - after university - I'll just have to work the rest of my life, then quit and wait for death to come... It's just so... I don't know. I have always known that life was meaningless, it has just never been so obvious as now. But that'll pass one day. So ... yeah, it's just a few months, this job, and then we'll just see what happens. XxX winterwoods

The schoolplay is over!! It went great and I was so happy and everyone was happy and getting along! We all partied and had so much fun and everybody's friends now suddenly and they want to hang out together! Everyone's just great and the play was great and I'm so sad that it's over :(. We had 4 shows in 2 days and it just went by in a rush. We had diner at school both nights and everything was just fantastic. Now I know that it was worth all the fighting and I should've enjoyed it more. But you always realise such things when everything's over. Well, a lot of people came to see the play, 3 times out of four we were sold out, and the other one we had 4 empy spots. So yeah, it was so cool. I do feel kind of depressed now, because it's all over and I still feel the same, shitty. Still sitting at home on a fridaynight, and saturdaynight. I still don't have anything to do, I never do anything. I hardly have any friends and that sucks. But the schoolplay was wonderful! XxX winterwoods

No, the title does not point at the fact that I need help, professional or not. What I mean is that I think I've found help. I went to the bookfestival in Ahoy yesterday, and it was great. Bookfestivals are just heaven for me, I love them, I wish I could spent all my time living there and read books. Well, of course I spent the most time at the section medical & new age, popular science and English Novel and Literature. At the last section they had all this English classics for just 2 euro's. I've bought like 13 of them, Frankenstein, Dracula, three Jane Austen novels, Jane Eyre, Oliver Twist, Little Women (I know, that's American, but it's a great classic!) and many more. I've also bought these self-help books (hence the title of this log), one called 'choose happiness' that one is a bit... naive and too happy and irrational. Happiness cant be a permanent state of being, then you wouldn't be happy, because you need comparising, you need to know what it's like to feel down. It's just that life goes with ups and downs, I know that. The other one's are books to help me get less shy and stressed out. Because that's why I've felt so bad latley, stress and shyness. But I'm going to change, definitly! I really want to :). Well, erm. I'm going to the movies tonight.. not really that important, tomorrow school, till very late. Right now I still have some homework to do, soo... bye! :) XxX winterwoods